Oceans, Rivers, Lakes...

Oceans, River, Lakes…

How being used has gotten me this far…

All my life I have been a giver.. The only child I was spoiled rotten and pretty much got everything I needed and I guess wanted..  I had friends but they were family so it wasn’t like I was given the opportunity to just have friends outside of family..

Not until I got to I guess the 3^rd grade I ended up having friends.. I had one particular friend that I used to feel bad for. I think my mom sorta adopted her.. When my mom buy for me I would either ask her to buy for my friend or I would give my friend something of mine.  This went on until High School. Then after that we lost touch.. I still consider her as a friend but we rarely talk or see each other..

During those years I found myself taking always being the go to girl. If it was with friends or with Boyfriends.. I was the one always giving.. Just give give give.. It could been money, time, skills, even sex. It became addictive.. If I wanted their time, I knew what I had to do..  It seems like no one likes to be around me unless I were doing something for them.. (It might have been the case, but it sure did seem that way).. 

My 1^st Boyfriend… He liked me mainly because I would bring cakes and candy bars to our 4^th grade class..

My 2^nd Boyfriend… He liked me because He needed me to pass high school and after I started wanting time with him, he walked away because he didn’t want to really be in a relationship with me.. He never finished High School..

My 3^rd Boyfriend… Used me for sex.. I wouldn’t hear from him unless he wanted sex.. Then wouldn’t hear from him again until he was ready again..

My 4^th Boyfriend.. I paid his rent, I took care of his son, I gave him sex anytime he wanted, I cooked, washed his clothes… I left him when he started using me as a punching bag…

My 5^th Boyfriend… I was just used all the way around.. Money, Food, my Friends… He ended up sleeping with 3 of my friend girls I am no longer friends with…

My 6^th wasn’t even a Boyfriend yet it seemed like we were… I did EVERYTHING for this man.. EVERYTHING.. I have yet to hear from him…  SMH!

In all this I didn’t include MC.. I felt like he was my best boyfriend I ever had.. It was just I could never make him happy because he was looking for the Perfect Person with a Perfect Past… I know I am not that person..  So as you see why it is so hard for me to trust ANYONE… As of the last few months… When I was out of work and so forth.. Do you think I had anyone to have my back? NO! I had a few call and ask for money.. I have a few call and ask could I buy their groceries.. Yea, it’s me who is ALWAYS there for others..  Now, going through my health and my moms health (dementia) It has taken all my energy from me. I have no strength to get out of the bed half of the time. I know the last few years I haven’t been the best person… I have built up so much bitterness… All in the process of just trying to be a better me.. It has caused me to really shy away from folks.. I think I have an addiction to helping other until I have nothing but the truth that I shouldn’t have.

I’ve crossed Oceans, Rivers, and Lakes for others.. I don’t even get a puddle… I know I will be Blessed in years to come.. So I am not worried… I am just letting it be known, there is no more of me to give.. I am all out of resources, energy, and time..

In my Thoughts:Cosby.....

I have been on the fence with this since the news broke on this.. I was just like many others on Cosby Defense. It was until so many women came out. How did this many get away with doing that to all those women.? Why did these women wait so long to come out and why did some keep going back afterwards.?

My biggest issue is them taking the Cosby Show off the air... On Saturday's that was my thing to watch if I was at home.. The Show was funny and very good.. It was part of my growing up and I just don't understand why would you take that away from those who love the show. 

This cover of EBONY brought all kinds of words into my mind and I don't like it..

Why can't they separate the man from the show, as they did many others? Cliff was so different from Bill? Actors with money and power think they can get away with so much so they do the most..  We don't base their characters they play with the person they are.. So why tarnish our love of the Huxtables..? I know that Media will ruin a lot by just getting that Story... 

I want the show I watched as a youngin and a show that to this day still love to watch be remembered for what it was,,, It was a show that showed us the Blacks could be successful and raise families.. We need to be reminded that this show impacted us all and in a good way.. 

If you want to punish Bill Cosby, that's one thing.. Don't punish the rest of us.. 

I am now 40 Something...

Lord, I am here.. I am here and I thank you for allowing me to see another day... 

Yesterday was my Birthday and I turned 40 years of age.. 

I may not look it, I sure do feel it most of the time. 

This was Birthday 1st for me... It felt like any other day.. I went to work (yes, I am back at work,, Another story I have to fill you all in later on).. I didn't make a big hoopla about my Birthday.. No, one took me out or gave me gifts... I had to remind my mother several times that it was my birthday..

So it was sorta of Bittersweet.. I guess that is the age where you just thankful to see another day..

I see myself changing so much.. I had a health scare last month so I have been just taking it easy.. Plus my mom's health isn't too good either.. So I been laying low and staying close to home. So there isn't much going on and I guess it gets like this.. I had 2 friends to recently get engaged so I haven't been out in months.. So I am the last one of my friends that has yet to meet someone... LOL

It would be nice but with my health and my mom, I am not in the mood, trying to meet someone new.. I already had one walk away because they felt like they were in the way of me taking care of my mom.. So I said go the hayal on.. I tell you the character of folks is something else.. 

Let's see if my 40's is going to be better to me than my 30's were...