On the go blogging...

I'm sitting here in the office while I'm waiting on the doctor... Man, in the last 4 months I've been here I know 17 times...
I'm glad I finally know some of MY problems... As much as I hate being here.. I know I'm getting better... I don't like this rapid weight loss though.. Well, I do and don't.. lol

I finally let go of my dead weight, mentally... It was hard but my mental health is also important...

Its Holiday season too and my depression and anxieties are on overload ...  It always take so much out of me. ... I become so stressed because I'm not able to give gifts the way I used too.. I used to love to give give.. Now my finances aren't where they used to be... Now working part time and my extremely high medical bills. ... Nope nope Noe!!!
I do hope you all have yourselves a Merry Christmas!! ❤❤❤❤🎍🎄🎁 

He says I am just a Friend.. A series of stories...

Hi everyone... I have been working on a story and I thought I would share a little of it here with you all..

He Says I'm just a Friend

By:Mahoganydymond™

Vedda has always been a looker, her spirit, her fashion, and her intelligence is what draws people to her. 

Vedda just has bad pickins when it comes to the men she chooses to fall in love with. She has been dealt bad hands when it comes to relationships. She is going to come across a man who she thought was her everything. He was fun, strong, compassionate, and everything she wanted in a a man, so she thought.

His name was, Andrez.. 

Vedda and Andrez met by passing.. They always knew of each other but never really met..

It was the Summer of 2011 and Vedda was at a friends house for a cookout. She made time for her friends. They always came to Vedda for advice or just to have a great time. Vedda is the life of any party.

While dancing and laughing with a few people Vedda eyes were still on Andrez. Thinking to herself, He has always been attractive to me but his bad boy image was kinda the turn off.  It was just something about him tonight.. 

The sun was gone in and everyone was starting to leave. Vedda stayed on to help her friend out with the clean up. It was more like getting some more info on Andrez. Vedda and her friend Ceisha ended up talking to about 3 in the morning. Vedda headed on home and once she got home she looked up Andrez on Facebook..

Vedda: Hi Andrez, I was noticing you at the cookout earlier.. We have been in passing for years and we have so many mutual friends. I wanted to say hi.. I am going to send you a friends request if you don't mind, accept it.. :)

Vedda gets in the shower and then get ready to go to bed. Church, is in the morning..

As she turn back the covers, the notification goes off and it was Andrez..

Andrez: I accepted your request.. :)  So Miss Vedda, what's up?

Vedda never responded but she stared at that message over analyzing it.. Thinking to herself, did she make an mistake or not. 


Andrez is a guy that don't have all his shyt together, but is a really nice guy. He is in the process of getting his life back on track from being in a little trouble a few years ago. He also getting over a past relationship that he was in for 4 years. 
He is a dark medium built guy. Sorta a loner but is also the life of the party when around a group of people. His growing up is way different than Vedda's.. Vedda's family was loving and free spirit type of family and Andrez was strict and religious..

As this story goes you will find out how Vedda and Andrez connects and how their love for each other blossoms.. You will also find out how both of them become toxic. Especially when there becomes a big obstacle they both face...  

Oceans, Rivers, Lakes...

Oceans, River, Lakes…

How being used has gotten me this far…

All my life I have been a giver.. The only child I was spoiled rotten and pretty much got everything I needed and I guess wanted..  I had friends but they were family so it wasn’t like I was given the opportunity to just have friends outside of family..

Not until I got to I guess the 3^rd grade I ended up having friends.. I had one particular friend that I used to feel bad for. I think my mom sorta adopted her.. When my mom buy for me I would either ask her to buy for my friend or I would give my friend something of mine.  This went on until High School. Then after that we lost touch.. I still consider her as a friend but we rarely talk or see each other..

During those years I found myself taking always being the go to girl. If it was with friends or with Boyfriends.. I was the one always giving.. Just give give give.. It could been money, time, skills, even sex. It became addictive.. If I wanted their time, I knew what I had to do..  It seems like no one likes to be around me unless I were doing something for them.. (It might have been the case, but it sure did seem that way).. 

My 1^st Boyfriend… He liked me mainly because I would bring cakes and candy bars to our 4^th grade class..

My 2^nd Boyfriend… He liked me because He needed me to pass high school and after I started wanting time with him, he walked away because he didn’t want to really be in a relationship with me.. He never finished High School..

My 3^rd Boyfriend… Used me for sex.. I wouldn’t hear from him unless he wanted sex.. Then wouldn’t hear from him again until he was ready again..

My 4^th Boyfriend.. I paid his rent, I took care of his son, I gave him sex anytime he wanted, I cooked, washed his clothes… I left him when he started using me as a punching bag…

My 5^th Boyfriend… I was just used all the way around.. Money, Food, my Friends… He ended up sleeping with 3 of my friend girls I am no longer friends with…

My 6^th wasn’t even a Boyfriend yet it seemed like we were… I did EVERYTHING for this man.. EVERYTHING.. I have yet to hear from him…  SMH!

In all this I didn’t include MC.. I felt like he was my best boyfriend I ever had.. It was just I could never make him happy because he was looking for the Perfect Person with a Perfect Past… I know I am not that person..  So as you see why it is so hard for me to trust ANYONE… As of the last few months… When I was out of work and so forth.. Do you think I had anyone to have my back? NO! I had a few call and ask for money.. I have a few call and ask could I buy their groceries.. Yea, it’s me who is ALWAYS there for others..  Now, going through my health and my moms health (dementia) It has taken all my energy from me. I have no strength to get out of the bed half of the time. I know the last few years I haven’t been the best person… I have built up so much bitterness… All in the process of just trying to be a better me.. It has caused me to really shy away from folks.. I think I have an addiction to helping other until I have nothing but the truth that I shouldn’t have.

I’ve crossed Oceans, Rivers, and Lakes for others.. I don’t even get a puddle… I know I will be Blessed in years to come.. So I am not worried… I am just letting it be known, there is no more of me to give.. I am all out of resources, energy, and time..

In my Thoughts:Cosby.....

I have been on the fence with this since the news broke on this.. I was just like many others on Cosby Defense. It was until so many women came out. How did this many get away with doing that to all those women.? Why did these women wait so long to come out and why did some keep going back afterwards.?

My biggest issue is them taking the Cosby Show off the air... On Saturday's that was my thing to watch if I was at home.. The Show was funny and very good.. It was part of my growing up and I just don't understand why would you take that away from those who love the show. 

This cover of EBONY brought all kinds of words into my mind and I don't like it..

Why can't they separate the man from the show, as they did many others? Cliff was so different from Bill? Actors with money and power think they can get away with so much so they do the most..  We don't base their characters they play with the person they are.. So why tarnish our love of the Huxtables..? I know that Media will ruin a lot by just getting that Story... 

I want the show I watched as a youngin and a show that to this day still love to watch be remembered for what it was,,, It was a show that showed us the Blacks could be successful and raise families.. We need to be reminded that this show impacted us all and in a good way.. 

If you want to punish Bill Cosby, that's one thing.. Don't punish the rest of us.. 

I am now 40 Something...

Lord, I am here.. I am here and I thank you for allowing me to see another day... 

Yesterday was my Birthday and I turned 40 years of age.. 

I may not look it, I sure do feel it most of the time. 

This was Birthday 1st for me... It felt like any other day.. I went to work (yes, I am back at work,, Another story I have to fill you all in later on).. I didn't make a big hoopla about my Birthday.. No, one took me out or gave me gifts... I had to remind my mother several times that it was my birthday..

So it was sorta of Bittersweet.. I guess that is the age where you just thankful to see another day..

I see myself changing so much.. I had a health scare last month so I have been just taking it easy.. Plus my mom's health isn't too good either.. So I been laying low and staying close to home. So there isn't much going on and I guess it gets like this.. I had 2 friends to recently get engaged so I haven't been out in months.. So I am the last one of my friends that has yet to meet someone... LOL

It would be nice but with my health and my mom, I am not in the mood, trying to meet someone new.. I already had one walk away because they felt like they were in the way of me taking care of my mom.. So I said go the hayal on.. I tell you the character of folks is something else.. 

Let's see if my 40's is going to be better to me than my 30's were...

Lifestyle Changes...

I am sorry that I have been away for such a long time.. I been busy and on that same not I was wearing myself very thin.. I am now officially in the High Blood Pressure Club... :(

I know things going on with my mom, me not working, me wanting to start my own business, and things with the Bestest have taken me through loops.. I still don't see how I am now part of this club..

So now I am going back to trying to exercise and also not put too much pressure on myself.. I am always trying to be the superwoman, when I just need to sit down and just chill..

On Tuesday I was just going to the doctor for an infection that I thought I had.. I have been suffering real bad headaches so I thought it was a migraine or a sinus infection..
I got to the Doctor and they took my BP and told me to go straight to the Emergency Room...
I got to the ER and they told me I was on stroke level high.. (crying).. My life has just changed... I didn't want to be one of those women who has to be depended on pills. I am not a bad eater (at least I don't think)..

So right now I am on bedrest for a week.. Man, this is so hard, but my life is really important..

My changes is going to be to stop worrying about things I have no control over.. I also going to cut my intake of fried foods, and stop smoking.. I ask my followers to just send a prayer for me..  <3 p="">

In my thoughts... This week in History..

Well Well Well.. This week has been so full of emotions and a lot of news..

Starting with this Flag issue and Woo Hoo to Bree Newsome.. I guess she is about tired of hearing about they flag as I am. 

I was highly upset that the focus was more on this flag than the 9 innocent lives that was taken by a terrorist.. 

Facebook showed me a couple of my friends acting all crazy about why they don't want their heritage taken away.. I had one go as far as say take away Black History Month if they take the flag down.. I had one talking about they aren't going to celebrate Martin Luther King day if the Flag is taken down. I tell you this thing has gotten out of hand. 

When they whole mess started I didn't see the point of the flag taken down. One is that it's will cause more problems here in the south (in my opinion) you know Racist Redneck will do a sneak attack.. Also that the flag has been flying this long it isn't going to change anything...

I had to delete so many people off my list because it was getting on my nerves the bickering..

Then seeing President Obama give the Eulogy at Senator Pickney's Funeral, was AMAZING!! I love it. Even if he can't sing a lick, it was still moving.. I don't care what other's say about that man, he is the 1st President in my lifetime that has showed so much Humanity.. I told my mother today we might not ever see again that much awesomeness in the White House again.. Then he had to say Nigger and people go in an uproar. He had to for that context.. People gonna be mad regardless..

Another good thing ObamaCare isn't going anywhere no time soon... I am glad of that because being unemployed right now, it's a life saver.. 

Then all HAYAL breaks loose when they legalized Gay Rights for all 50 states.. 

Facebook blows up again.. Every religious person came out of no where.. I am like this is the 1st time they ever said anything about religion. 

It's been a week.. of Historical Events I should say.. Just be careful and not get to distracted.. These events are just being distractions so we won't pay attention to the real issues.. I still pray for the families of the Charleston 9... 

Prayers for Charleston SC... My heart is so heavy...

My Beloved City is in morning.. Since last night I been sick to my stomach. 

Someone so Evil and Hateful could so something so horrific... 

My prayers are with my friends and family affected by this in Charleston.. 

I hope they catch this suspect and alive..

#prayersforCharleston

The Baby is almost here... My weekend fun family time!

My cousin Maya is about to have baby Madison come next month.. So over the weekend we had her a Pink Lemonade Baby Shower.. It was great, stressful at first because of the prep.. It turned out awesome. Me in my costume was fun too.

I am waiting for Baby Madi because you all know I love the kids.. Me and my mom brought her tons over clothes and what nots., I already told her I want her every weekend that I am not doing anything. A baby is still something I want but I know I am at the age to where, it might not be possible. So I am ok with that now.. So I get to spoil other peoples babies.. LOL

Thankful for family and friends...

When the fight isn't worth fighting..

This is the year I turn 40.. Yea I have mention that a time or two already..

I am TIRED everyone.. So tired.. I feel like I am back in my 20's.. I am dealing with some many emotions right now. I am trying to remain positive and keep my head up. 

Over the weekend I was just debating how and why things are the way they are. 

I am not fighting anymore.. I am tired and I going to let things be as they are.. 

You can't save or be there for someone who don't see the wrong in their ways..

He didn't come for me, He came for her!

Last week I got some news.. I mean news 5 years ago would have been exciting to me.. It hasn't phased me much since I heard the news..

MC told me last week that he was moving back to Greenville for Good.. For years I wanted him to move back, just to see if there was something still between us. After the last couple of visits he made down here, he promised to meet up with me.. He never came.. Beside about one time, when I went up there I never saw him.. He was either busy or just didn't have time. So they you know the way I felt about him, I felt that it's a lost cause and just move on.

I think he has been in town for the last  3 days and I haven't heard a word.. I know when he was dating someone else from this area they broke up because she wanted him to move back down here. Well I know how much he loved her. Yea, he would call and talk to me about their problems. He felt that he was getting the Karma for the way he treated me. In which that could be so.. LOL Anyhoo, I don't know but I do know when he comes here he does see her..

I used to wonder, How can he love her? She has several kids, she is materialistic, she thinks everything suppose to be about her.. Then I got to see her once.. She is gorgeous.. She is a redbone (high yella almost looks mixed). She is a heavy girl but big in the right places.. You know big hips and booty.. Me... Darkskinned, Out of Shape, Flatbooty, and Dreads.. Now I know I am cute, you can't tell me I am not. I do know these men around here I am not appealing too.. I posted before how the light brights and the white chicks get all the men around here. Also me being a woman who loves black men (darkerskin) I get over looked..

Even my bestest still lusting over his ex girl. So I decided to just stop fooling myself with him. We are friends and we have been friends for years.. I am not going to taint that relationship with him, because I love him. So I don't want to lose what we have. So we are going to remain that, nothing more.
Even me and MC have grown to respect each other as far as being nice to one another..
So he is back, and it really doesn't matter.. I can say I am finally moved passed that and going to continue to live my life..
I wish him well...

It's almost official...

Owning my own business has been a dream for the longest time. 

After leaving my job for 21 years, I said it was time. 

I have been working on my idea and looking to what to do first. 

I said I would cater 1st. I also thought about starting a GoFund me page but I don't know. 

I am ready.. I already have a job set up for June 6th and August 27th.. I am however going to 

do a taster.. So I can let those know what I offer.. 

I getting closer and closer to my dream. :)

I am starting on my 2nd full week of Unemployment. I needed this break however I am getting bored.. I am also getting frustrated with waiting on my paperwork with my former employer.  I can't do what I need to do without them. 

I am trying to start my business.. In late summer I will be opening my own catering business.. It's going to be my baby. I figured why not do what I love to do.. I know the 1st year or two is going to be hard. I have to really budget, budget.. I am ready for these challenges.. 

I got to do 1st thing first though.. You might see me writing more since I have plenty of time now.. LOL

In My thoughts: When I think Racism will end..

I been thinking of this for awhile but I really didn't want to say anything about it. Well after watch a video on Facebook today, it got me thinking. It was a video on how Black Women act differently over seas with white men.. You know how black men think we are aggressive and non submissive.. My opinion, we act according to how we are treated.. If you talk mess to me, I'm gonna talk mess to you.. If you are good to me I am good to you..

Back to my post..

The way some Black men lust and swoon over white women or bi-racial women, and how NOW some white men are finally being honest with liking black women.. Also with Black men hooking up with other races... It the future let's say 2047 there will be no true race.. So this will cut out a lot of racism, It will hardly been any pure race. I am starting to see it now.. Especially in my little ole town of Easley, it's mixed kids popping up everywhere. So maybe, even though this town everyone is mostly undercover racists. This might just bring a closer relationship with each other..

Although I choose not to date outside my race because I have no desire too.. I also don't find what I would have in common with someone of another race unless they are Asian or Latin and that is food that we would have in common.. LOL

I am ready for all this to end. I want us all to get along or be able to have a great dialogue on why we have a hard time to communicating and understanding one another. The headlines the other week was they Love our Culture but doesn't Love us.. It is pretty accurate in my eyes. They are now getting butts, big lips, doing the whip, and the shanae-nae..  My only issue with all of that, is don't try to be hood if you never grew up in the hood. See it is so easy to pretend and never had to live it..

I just hope my theory will come true.. I give it another 50 years.. Since we are the only country that define people by race instead of the country we live in.. We will see, God Willing..

The older I get...

I am at the point that I have no time for nonsense.. I have been that way before but it's getting to the point where I can't tolerate nothing anymore. If it rubs me the wrong way, I either react or walk off.. 

See with everything I am going through I can't afford to deal with certain things. 

So when folks have tried to get me off focus.. I have to cut them off. I know it seems mean, knowing the person that I am.

In other news.. Me being single is starting to weight heavy on me.. Not, in the sense where I want a relationship, but the chances of being in one is slim to none. I don't mind being single. I just didn't think at this age I will still be single. Yes, I have the companionship of my Bestest.. It is just not what I desire. I want to be the sunshine in someone's life. The town I live in as I stated before, they are mostly family or they date outside of their race. Being a brown girl in my town it's hard to find a man who isn't family or date within the brown race.  So you go to near by towns and guess what, they are either your cousin or someone you know once dated them.. Give me a Break.. lol My friends tell me to date outside my race and I JUST CAN'T... I am not attracted to anyone who isn't black,.. I am not into trying to blend cultures.. I know I am what you call Pro Black and I love my race. I love everything about my race.. Yes I can be friendly and what not.. I can go hang out and drink and dance.. I want that Black Love..

I really don't want to become that grumpy old woman.. LOL

In my thoughts.. In my feelings.. Just a little something...

In Your Presence

The scent of you

The glimpse of you

The touch of you

Sends of a stream of electricity flowing through my body

It’s the spark

It’s the chemistry

That makes me smile every time you are near

I can’t ever imagine my life without you

Your love

Your smile

In your presence I am complete

In your presence I am happy

In your presence is where I want to be

It feels like a distance memory

I don’t know the last time I was in your presence

I don’t even know what went wrong

One day you loved me

The next never heard from you again

You stopped calling

You stopped texting

You stopped coming by

I was so into you I didn’t notice the signs way before you stopped doing all of those things

In Your Absence I was once sad

In Your Absence I found me

In Your Absence You no longer have that same effect over me!  

Mahoganydymond 2015

I am not going to fight anymore..

With everything that is going on in my life right now.. I had decided to give up the fight to be someone's all.. It isn't leading me any where but a doubtful broken heart.. I am so tired of trying to be everything to one person. So I know what patient means but I am done.

This whole week I been back and forth to the doctors with my mother. So I am beyond stressed and on top of that I got to go tomorrow and Tuesday to other appointments with her. I hope that they will find out what is wrong with her.. It is getting to the point that it is making her upset.. I hate seeing my mother down because she the one that actually loves me... 

So after going through the week full of emotions. I decided what is best for me. I really wish I was the type that actually like being around people. I hate that my trust issues over the years has really brought me to the point to not even want to meet new people. I do need something going on about my life. I am becoming an emotional wreck again. 

I feel worse than I did when me and Cooper ended everything. I guess because this person hasn't actually did anything. He just doesn't see me more than a friend. I guess that is why it hurts.. I respect that he has been honest with me. I respect the fact that he really does love me. It's on another level.. So I will stop fighting with my heart and mind,..  Letting it go!

I am really meant to be single.. I thought if I gave myself enough years to grow God would send me someone that truly adores me.. He did but he brought one of my best of friends.. So I guess that is what I suppose to have.. Undying friendships.. They all I seem to be to these men these days... Friends... When being the Homegirl is going to end?

In My Thoughts: Social Unrest

We still having so many Black Men UNARMED being killed or shot at by Police or wanna be Cops.. It is like every time you turn on the News  there has been another person being killed by the Cops.. We never know when someone we Love will be murdered just by the act of  Racial Profiling.

There are so many families out here hurting because they lost someone in their lives through such.

Then you watch the News and see how some say that us as Black America bring it on ourselves. We have so much Black on Black crime in our community.. I heard somewhere a long time ago and I am not sure as to where.. "If you treat them like a savage beast, they will act as such".. How are these Young men suppose to feel? I have said before a lot of it does come from the environment in which they were raised, BUT the way some of the Cops patrol the neighborhoods, looking for trouble. I see how they act here and I live in a small town in South Carolina.. They call where all of us live Across the Tracks... They drive slow and stare at you like you done or about to do something.. The Ironic thing though, A lot of white people have moved over here now, CAUSE MORE HAVOC and you don't see the Cops riding by anymore.. They are over here a lot because either Me or a Neighbor is calling on them.. 

I want Fergerson to heal.. It is in my mind a Modern Day Rosewood. The town is never going to be the same and as of Last night 2 Cops were shot. So they are looking for the suspects (i betcha they will serve time for what they done). The city is in Ruins. I pray for them but I also see that a lot of the Black if they could will move out the city. Especially when you see that even the Police Department had so many Racist Emails and so forth. 

Like the song Michael Jackson had "They really don't care about us".. More and more I am starting to think this is to be true. Do they Hate us that much they want to get rid of us all. I pray that one day this world will all be called HUMANS that live in America. No more color categorizing. If we go back to the Early times of America, remember we were BROUGHT here against our will.. 

Then the Oklahoma University SAE Chant that has been bombarded the media as of late.  WOW! Is all I can say.. I wasn't upset about the Chorus more than I had been with the words in the lyrics.. The hanging from the tree... It made my blood boil.. Now the one leading the Chant apologized, but it really doesn't matter. They were saying that it was taught to them.. Ok if you know they words are hurtful and offensive, Why repeat it?

I believe we are in the days when there will never been Justice, Respect, Honor, and Love in this Country.. I will the word Hate never existed. 

I think I just need to be in my own little world.. I wish I had the ability to change the world.. 

It's my Decision..

Pretty soon as I stated in my last post, that I will be out of work come next month.. I choose not to stepdown and go to part time when I have been full time for the last 19 years... People want me to stay with the company and they want me not to draw unemployment.. Everyone is trying to talk me out of it.. I refuse to do it.. For sometime now I have been praying to release myself from anything that isn't making me happy.. I Loved the job I did but it was taking so much of my life away. Then as hard as I work I wasnt getting the pay for the type of job I was doing. So I feel like it has run it's course and it is time for me to find something else while I am still some what young. 

I been on that job for 20 years and I just feel it's time.. 

What am I going to do? The question everyone is asking me.. I don't know but I want my dreams of my own restaurant since you know I love to cook.. I am still praying for that and in time I hope I will be doing that. 

I wish well to my fellow co workers that choose to stay within the company..  

It's is in God's Hands..

I've been on my Job for 21 years tomorrow. On Friday we found out that we will  be closing.. On April 22 the job I've know my whole Adult life is no more. The are talking about moving me to another store, yet I am not sure about that right now.  

Over the last few years I have asked God to release me. I guess now it's time. I have other things I want to do but as you all know that is a leap of faith and I am leaving it all to him.  Everyone is bummed out about it, and I am over her like OK..

I had it made on my job even though somedays was better than others..  I do know I wanted to be out of retail. Now I am almost 40 and I am not sure as to what to do. 

I do know I still want my own business, yet that take money to start. So I have a month to decide what I actually going to do. 

So I am going to Rely on God and he will see my way through..

Been on a little Hiatus..

I know that sometimes I don't update my blog as often as I would like.. You know LIFE will have you going in all different directions.

As of late I've been working really hard. A lot of hours mostly because of the bad weather and what not.. 

I hope that this year I will have a lot to share with you all. I am going through the process of getting back to the things that I love doing.. Shoot I know a lot of time I have thoughts in my head then I turn around and do even post it.. LOL

I am also going to get back to my thoughts.. 

The things that run through my head is sometimes crazy and then sometimes awesome..

Me and the Bestest is still doing well. Good things are starting to happen to us..  I let go of the idea of  how it suppose to go. I am just letting things go as it is going.  I am in a good place with myself so I don't worry about what it could be.. I think that what was stressing the both of us. 

I hope that you all haven't strayed away to far. I will be coming  back more often.. I was just touching with you all.. 

Our Issues...

We both (me and my Bestest) have some major issues that we both have to work on.. 

This is one of the reason why we are still in a stand still about taking our love and friendship further. We've been fighting this feeling for so long.  We both agree that our friendship is more important than anything. I believe that is why we are able to talk about our feelings. 

As I sit an think.. We are so much alike. Our mood swings, Our in search of ourselves.. 

He tells me that he doesn't want to lose me. I believe him.. Even on the days I want to knock the bat shyt hayal out of him...

It's been days that I have been so MEAN and Hateful toward him and he just ignore me. We even stop talking for a few days.. Then when we have calmed down, we talk like nothing ever happened.. 

I love that man.. I have for a very long time. It's just it becomes clearer everyday.. To have a friend that means so much to me is priceless.

Today me and his sister in law (my childhood friend) had talked about US.. She is so team US for some reason. She wants US to be together so bad.. I have to tell her when it is time, it will happen.. We aren't going to rush into anything. We were talking about how he is so crazy about me and how he loves everything about me. She was like Girl, that man has and still is trying to change his ways.. She said the change in him is due to him wanting to be a better man for me. 

It is so weird.. I told him that the song Think Out Loud is really us.. It was a point and time, I just looked at him as just another dude I know.. Then we became the BEST of Friends.. Now we are at the point to where we are so in love with one another but scared of what that Love can do to the both of us. So we got some work to do.. :)

I'm NOT STUPID.. By all means, I see the pattern..

Over the last year I have been tested in so many ways.. People already know how short tempered I am.. So for someone to try and test me, they just want an reaction out of me. 

I have been trying to change my ways and the devil still trying to keep his hold on me. 

One thing is the in an outs with a certain person. I know their habits and I have seen their pattern. Then they look to me like I am the dumb and doesn't have any sense. When in all it is them.. 

I get a text asking why I haven't responded to them.. HAHAHA! I have been the one texting and not getting a response.. smh..

Then I goes to call and get sent to voicemail.. 

I aint got time for this mess.. I am so over it. 

Then yesterday, I found a mice in my kitchen and if you know me.. I CAN STAND RATS OR ANYTHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A RAT..  I freaked out and I was so scared to go into the kitchen.. I didnt eat at all yesterday... I had called, text, the bestest and his arse didn't response until after I had already found someone to come move the stuff out the kitchen so I could bleach and sanitize everything to put down the traps..  That pissed me off too.. Because I am always there for him.. (about to be a change in that too).. I know I am too nice to people but that's just my nature.. I just don't understand how people can just treat someone that is good to them like crap shyt.. 

Anyhoo.. I am fed up and I thought I would share this with you all...

Have a wonderful Sunday!

Update: The Mouse is gone.. I am no longer freaked out.. Plus the Bestest phone was broke.. All good in the neighborhood now.. Well I havent seen the mouse  and I hope I scared and ran it away.. 

Is it possible to Love someone so much as to the point you don't want to be with them?

This has been a question pondering through my head.. 

As you know that me and my bestest has this deep love for one another. 

We have been there for one another for awhile now. 

Have our ups and downs.. We still manage to be each other comforter..

Then this question gets me. We are sorta toxic toward one another too.. You can feel our chemistry and the passion, yet we don't see eye to eye on things. So from time to time, we might misunderstand one other.. I will be thinking one thing and he will be thinking another. 

Today we had a long and very intense conversation. I know this man loves me.. This man tells me that all the time. What got me in this conversation was powerful... his words..

"I would not hurt you physically and I sure don't want to hurt you mentally. I love you more than you will understand and I want you to be happy. I will not make you happy at this point in my life. You mean a lot to me.. I am not mentally ready for a relationship with you.."

So it had me thinking that maybe we really aren't meant to be in a relationship..  Could we still love one another and never be with one another?  Do love has to always be in a relationship with one another.? Couldn't you love someone and not be with them.. I know people do it all the time, but what good is a love of a person when you can't share everyday together. 

I want more than anything for him to be happy. He has had his share of bad just as I have had.. 

So who knows what our future holds.. We don't know.. I do know that it has been a long time since I have felt love like this.. What makes it even more strange is it is from the very person that knows ALL ABOUT ME... They say Friends make the best lovers.. I am not sure.. In time it might be the best  for us. At this point I don't think so.. 

You know if we go further what if it doesn't work out.. Would we lose the friendship that we once had..?

Time will tell with us.. Right now, it feels good to know someone loves me enough to be honest about their heart...

A New Year!!! Let's see what's in store..

I know it's been a long minute.. Sorry about that.. I've just haven't been in the mood to publish anything. 

A new year is finally here.. I'm glad to see another year as always.. This year I will be turning 40... :( I can't believe it's been 10 years since I was 30.. So I have been doing a lot of reflections as of late. 

I am almost 40 and to say, I haven't accomplished anything that I am totally proud of. 

I am still at a job that I have been working for 21 years... I still home with mom, because of her illness.. I am still single.. with one prospect but he can't get right.. I am still childless... For some reasons I will not display on here...

Just the average Jane that works and comes home.. I have another blog that I talk about my boring life.  I posted on my facebook the other day how I need to find something to do. The ones that I call my friends, they are married with kids, have kids, or still partying.. I am not one who likes to party the way I once did. 

I am in the process of getting my life back on track. I am still in a spiritual journey that I am putting all my faith and worries in God's hands. I see that life with him is so much better than trusting in man. I also being trying to restore trust in people. 

The weight loss journey is about to start all over again. I pray that I will be able to succeed and keep it all off this time.. Also going to try and stop smoking.. They are raising my insurance an extra 125 a month just cause.. No one have that kind of money to blow.. Even if they did I am not sure they want to pay that much..