The run down of the run down...

Happy New Year to you all... I am kinda glad for this new year. Last year well last month was HORRID for me.
It seems like after Thanksgiving everything in my life was falling apart.. It first started when my depression kicked in 10 folds.. It was so bad that I had just really had to take a break from almost everything.
 Mom got sick and it seem like nothing helping her. Her doctor prescribed a antibiotic it worked while she was taking it but a few days later she was back sick again.  I was so afraid I was about to lose my mom.. She even stopped walking and stopped responding to most things. She wanted to sleep a lot and it was nothing I could do..  One Sunday I just couldn't take it anymore, I called EMS and we headed to ER...  We found out she was dehydrated and also had Pneumonia.. So they pumped her with a lot of antibiotics and IV fluids. In two days mom was back to being alert but however still not able to walk. She totally depends on me for everything.. I bathe, feed, change her, and give her medications. It's rough doing this alone even though we have aides and nurses to visit the home.

Speaking of At home help... (emotional part of December)One of my mom's aides that we adored so much lost her life on Christmas Day.. She was such a BIG help not only to my mom's life but mine. We didn't have to  worry with La-Shun around.. A beautiful woman inside and out.. She was genuinely a fresh of air. She cared for people.. Man, she was a SWEETHEART! I didn't have to worry about my mom with her. I didn't have to work period. She helped me get things that my mom needed when he case worker was just so stagnant, She helped me decorate for Fall and Christmas.. She even helped pay for my Birthday celebration.. She was my sister.. I didn't know her long.. We met in August after mom slapped her last aide. Mom LOVED La-shun.. Even to this day mom didn't really know her name yet she still calls out.. She would look at me and say "where is she?" Every time I get tears forming in my eyes.  On Christmas Day she came to help me bathe and get mom dressed for the day. I normally gave her holidays off but since mom is no longer walking I needed her help. She was so full of life that morning.. She gave mom gifts and watched her open them. She ate breakfast with us.. I am normally depressed and so gloomy on Christmas so she tried everything in her power to cheer me up.. She was excited to spend time with her family.. She said see you tomorrow and for me to please smile for her... I gave a fake smile..  Three hours later the company she worked for called and told me she was dead.. On her way to her next client she had a car wreck that threw her out the window and she went into cardiac arrest and died.. I am still trying to cope with the fact she is gone. I also couldn't watch the local news because they kept playing the video at the scene.  I got new aide but they will not measure up to her.. I even had to let one go after working  3 days.. The heffa put her feet on my chair and came in high.

I had a total of 5 people I knew died in the month of December.. La-Shun, then my former church pastor that was big part of my life growing up.. My Best friend that died two years ago her mom died 3 days before Christmas, one of my friends that I had in school..I also had a cousin to pass...
So you all see why December was not a good month for me.

It's a New Year so I claim in the name of Jesus this year will be so much better.. Mentally, emotionally, and physically better..

Is it me..

I have been talking to one of my past loves... We normally talk at least once a month, to see how each other been doing... Lately it's been almost everyday..
No, I'm not falling for him.. We are friends and sometimes I think he is the only one that I can confided in.. He is unlike my bestest... Me and him been through hayal and back.. So he understands me.. A lot of our 1st were done together.. I have a lot of love for him. 

This the thing, he told me he has always loved me... He still loves me and he never wants to hurt me.. So me, think its too late for him to tell me.   I know that he has cared for man, over 20 years.. If not we wouldn't still kept in contact with each other..

Plus 5 years back he got married, so I backed away.. I was hurt a little but I said as long as he is happy, then I'm happy.. I didn't get in between him and his wife... I let them be.. Well 2 years ago his wife left him, and he was so devastated.. I was the shoulder he cried on.. I hate seeing him like that, but as a friend I was there... He is still hurt by his wife leaving him and it hurts me too.. I know he has a lot of flaws and issues... I understand why his wife left.. With all he is going through he is still a good person.. Its going to take a really strong woman to deal with him. 

I don't know but I think it's me.. Everyone always look to me to bare their emotions on.. I guess I'm a comforter... Who knows!!

Our Issues...

We both (me and my Bestest) have some major issues that we both have to work on.. 

This is one of the reason why we are still in a stand still about taking our love and friendship further. We've been fighting this feeling for so long.  We both agree that our friendship is more important than anything. I believe that is why we are able to talk about our feelings. 

As I sit an think.. We are so much alike. Our mood swings, Our in search of ourselves.. 

He tells me that he doesn't want to lose me. I believe him.. Even on the days I want to knock the bat shyt hayal out of him...

It's been days that I have been so MEAN and Hateful toward him and he just ignore me. We even stop talking for a few days.. Then when we have calmed down, we talk like nothing ever happened.. 

I love that man.. I have for a very long time. It's just it becomes clearer everyday.. To have a friend that means so much to me is priceless.

Today me and his sister in law (my childhood friend) had talked about US.. She is so team US for some reason. She wants US to be together so bad.. I have to tell her when it is time, it will happen.. We aren't going to rush into anything. We were talking about how he is so crazy about me and how he loves everything about me. She was like Girl, that man has and still is trying to change his ways.. She said the change in him is due to him wanting to be a better man for me. 

It is so weird.. I told him that the song Think Out Loud is really us.. It was a point and time, I just looked at him as just another dude I know.. Then we became the BEST of Friends.. Now we are at the point to where we are so in love with one another but scared of what that Love can do to the both of us. So we got some work to do.. :)

Continuous Drips

Title: Continuous Drips

Authors: The Collective (composed of Da'Kharta Rising, Synful Desire, and Queen of Spades)

Genre(s): Short Story Anthology, Multi-Genre Anthology

Word Count: 28,990




Blurb: 
Different colors of ink collide in this short story anthology Continuous Drips:

Take a trip into darkness with Da'Kharta Rising with "Unrest", "Omitted" and "The Kutters".

Love, loss, and erotic heat hypnotically swirl in the mind of Synful Desire when reading "Derailed Endurance", "Final Prep to Happiness" and "FAN-tasy Island".

Episodes of human interaction displacement are given in doses when Queen of Spades presents "Misfortune", "Afro Shock", and "Útil."




Amazon Pre-Order
The official launch date for Continuous Drips is November 12th but pre-order is available:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OTQVO9C



Networking links:


Da'Kharta Rising

• Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/dakhartarising)
• Amazon Author Page (https://amazon.com/author/dakhartarising)

• Blog: Thoughts of a Slightly Social Anti-Socialite (https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8183620.Da_Kharta_Rising/blog)

• Koobug: (http://www.koobug.com/dakhartarising)

Synful Desire

• Facebook Author Page (https://www.facebook.com/synfuldesireauthor)
• Amazon Author Page (https://amazon.com/author/synfuldesire)
• Blog: Synful Interludes (https://www.synfuldesire.blogspot.com)
• Twitter @synful_desire (https://twitter.com/synful_desire)

Queen of Spades

• Facebook Author Page (https://www.facebook.com/authorqueenofspades)
• Amazon Author Page (https://amazon.com/author/queenspades)
• Blog: A Queen's Ramblings (https://www.aqueensramblings.blogspot.com)
• Website (http://www.authorqueenofspades.com)
• Twitter @authorqspades (https://twitter.com/authorqspades)

When there is nothing else but to let God...

I had to just come and write tonight.. Today has been such an amazing day full of hope and promises.. 

I had the most in depth, heartfelt, spiritual conversation.. 

Me and the man I've been calling my Bestest over the years.. 

Let me introduce my Bestest.. 

He is an amazing man who is often misunderstood even by me.. :)

He has been one that even before MC was someone I knew was going to always be in my life. 

He brings out the BEST in me and sometimes the WORSE when he pisses me off. ;) (who doesn't from time to time)..

Well in the past we have always been very close friends.. We have  always been able to talk about anything.. Have a debate and agree to disagree.. He is one man that keeps me in my place.. You know I am someone who always got to control every situation and he makes sure to give me an reality check. 

I LOVE this man to the MOON and BACK..

He is my Ying to my Yang..

I speak highly of him.. I guess you all are wondering why this isn't my husband.. I wonder that myself.. I believe in time he will be the one that walks me down the isle. Until he will ALWAYS be my BEST FRIEND the man I call my BESTEST.. 

Anyhoo I hung out with him yesterday.. I tend to always sleep over from time to time when I need to get away from home.. 

This morning waking up and seeing him, something came all over me. I mean I was feeling some type of way and I had to talk about it.. 

Over the years I have been burned by people.. Whether it was work, church, friends, and family.. So I discussed my concerns.. I have been on this spiritual journey over the last few months.. He has always been a spiritual person himself.. When ever I was in a test of faith mode, he was the one I always had turned to..  

I just say this.. When a person can cry, pray, and laugh together... REMAINS TOGETHER!! 

I never experienced this with a friend or family before..

It was like GOD was really speaking through our conversation today.. We shed tears, amazement, and had a very moving moment.. 

Then to hear Tracy, you are the one.. Never think that you aren't.. I am ready for God to lead me to you and be front and center of our relationship/friendship.. I love you and I know you love me.. So lets let God lead our direction..

(do you all know how that made me feel) I NEVER in my life had a man nor woman say that to me.. 

I started crying again.. Then laughed because I saw how serious he was.. Then I felt bad because I thought he was joking at first.. But this man is serious.. So we are going to see where this road is going to lead us.. Just know you all.. I am Happy to still have my BESTEST in my life.. 

I have learned so much from him and he has learned a lot from me.. It just seems in time.. Our paths or going to be going the same direction.. No rush just enjoying life on my way.. 

I Love YOU!!

For a few years I have became really close to someone..  I mean letting this person in my life I was kinda skeptical of him at 1st..  I didn't know how to allow him in there since I used to have a mild crush on him. So I wasn't prepared for it..

So years and years of chatting with him, speaking to him out and about.. Then one day he moved next door to me.. Knowing the person he was living with (my cousin) I was feeling like he is up to no good.. So I would speak but not hold a conversation with him. One day we all were outside and after everyone left me and him sat on the porch at talked... 

From that conversation we have built one of the best friendships ever.. This guy is so understanding, loving, honest, and just a breath of fresh air to me.. In so many ways, we are just a like.. We go through some of the same things when it comes to people and how we want to be treated.. He is genuine and I LOVE that about him...

When he goes through something I am there for him if he needs me.. If I am going through something he is there for me.. Lately you all know that my depression reared its ugly head once again.. Guess who was there.. Yes, my Bestest!! We ended up staying up all night talking about life, what we want to do to move forward.. Plus even learned that the Wright Brothers could possibly been BLACK.. We always have a great time with one another.. 

Everyone always saying that it is not possible for man and woman to be friends.. That is truly a DAMN lie.. The best relationship I have had thus far is the one with me and my Bestest.. Right now he is getting his life back on track and I standing behind him 100%... I am so proud of him at least trying to focus on himself, because for so long he didn't have the drive to do it..  

I LOVE this man..  

I really thank you for everything.. Just listening to me and being the shoulder and my strength.. I will never turn my back on you.. You are a Blessing and NEVER forget that..........

It is me!!

I tried to let go.. You wouldn't allow me.. I tried to forget you.. You wouldn't allow me.. Now as months passed and I still can't forget what happened in the past.

I've been searching for other outlets to share my scream.. I believe it is me... 

It's me who won't let go.. It is me that keep the good times afloat.. 

How can't I get my mind off of you, when I still love you..

I am not in love with the cheater.. I am in love with the liar.. 

I am in love with the person that you made.. It is me..

When I found out the reasons to what broke us apart...

It didn't matter.. You still holds my heart.

I know I am foolish.. I know I am crazy...

But you made this girl life so amazing..

The little things that you still do..

The comfort you give me when I am blue...

The words you give me to make me smile..

All the bad stuff I try to hide...

Now future is so different.. 

I feeling like I am just stagnant.. 

What we once had is now non- existent..

I just wish what happened did not..

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel that way..

Being around you seems to always make my day..

Even if we fussed and fussed until we fought..

Now we are in the friend role..

It still doesn't make me whole..

I wish and I wish I was the one that you would have forever to hold..

It is me.. I got to learn that things don't last forever...

Who am I kidding when I say I would never..

If it was a time I could of had you back...

I would have took you back in a snap..

It is me who has to learn to let go.. 

It is me who has to stop letting my feelings show..

In time I will get over you...

It is up to me who has to know how to do it soon.. 

Mahoganydymond 2012

It is almost that time.. I am about to head back to work after having 2 months off.. It is so BITTERSWEET cause I know, the same crap will be going on..  I needed this break… I hate that it was because of Surgery though.. Hey who wouldn’t want to take 2 months off in the summer?  I have to get back on the grind though. I can no longer hate work.  I have to wake up every day with positive thoughts.  I have to learn how to like people. Even though there are so many walking around with the lack of common sense.

This recovery time off took me through some CHANGES I tell you.. All that time sitting around thinking of things and people I’ve lost. Whew, it was killing a sister.. I think I cried more these few months than I did when I was a child. Seriously, I felt like I had NO ONE.  People always tell me. Call me… I am not the type of people that likes to call people. I don’t like the phone to much.  Of course if I haven’t talk to you in a while I might spend a few minutes talking.  I don’t think I like texting either..  Well I don’t like the shorthand stuff.  HEHEHE!!  Sometimes I try and figure out what they are saying.

I want to start back going out doing things. I am a single woman with no children.  I got to stop this hermit mess.. Yes, people are going to hurt me.   I know that I am hurting myself also. I try to avoid situations.  I don’t know where and when I got this phobia. I used to be a go out mingle type of woman.  Hey, this is how I know a lot of people.  I might not be in their circle, but I know a quite few.

Not too long ago my Diva (cousin/friend) was talking about how she misses having a Sisterhood.. They type like Girlfriends, Single Ladies, Sex in the City.  The only time I had that type of friendship was when I was in High School.  No, wait I take that back… It was when I had my friends Tessa and Dee..  Those girls were my rock, my sunshine, and my fun times. They weren’t from here but they had moved up here cause of one of their family members.  I trusted those women with my life.  We went out together. If we didn’t go out we would hang out we would hang at the house with drinks, food, and movies.  I told Dee the other day that I miss her so much via Facebook.  She agreed.  I told her it is so hard to find a trustworthy friend here.   She agreed to that too. So I plan on taking trips down there.   I miss them entirely too much.  Plus I she has had more children and I haven’t got to meet them.  She is back in school and it is hard for them to make it up here.  Tessa included.  I have seen her though I think the last time I saw her was about 5 years ago or a little bit more.  I haven’t seen Dee since 2000.

I know that I am not totally over my ending with ex S.O.S. I do miss being in a relationship.  I think it is so much simpler than trying to date numerous people.  I do like dating, but now a days it is so hard to find a person to date.  I mean they don’t want to take you anywhere. Some say they don’t have the money to do this and that.. I do know the next person I date. They will not know that I know how to cook.  It seems once they find out. They stop wanting to take me out. It is like; you know how to cook this and that. So why is it a need to go out?  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Not this time buddy.  I want to experience so much more now. Life is so short. I am not promised tomorrow.   I hated even go near to finishing what I want to do before I am 40. Oh well.. I might not get to anyway…

Hello Readers.....

I know I have been MIA...  I am ok and I am keeping my head above water... So much has happened since my last post. I sometimes feel that if shyt happens it happens to me and me only.
 I am still coping with my issues.. I am still single...  Which might just remain until the day I die.  I don't have no more love left in me.. I still believe in love... I am just not able to give it.. I realize that my emotions is not capable of dealing with another heartbreak..

Which is odd right now.. The one person who has been here for me, is the one who has broken my heart.. I had surgery back in May on my back...So physically and financially has been really hard.. She has made sure I have everything I need. She calls me everyday to check up on me. Also coming by almost everyday just to sit and talk to me. She knows at this point I have no one around me, besides my mother.. So she tries to give my mother a break.. So I really don't know how I feel about this. We aren't going to get back together... I choose that is not an option for us. I am grateful for her being here.. Really I think she should be. It's cause of my relationship with her left me alone with no friends...

My other issue is with my Insurance company... SMDH!! I pay these people faithfully every week.. It's been so hard for them to hurry up and get my short term disability started... Bills are piling high.. I have called and emailed for the longest.. All I get is we working on it.. I go back to work in July.. I feel like they are giving me the run around until I go back to work. I am about tired of the run around....

The lastly... My new word is NO... I am always the person that people run to when they need something done or want something from me.. I used to be so giving and willing to help everyone out.. Well I am TIED.. I am at my lowest right now.. I noticed that none of those people I break my neck for has even picked up the phone... None of those people have came by to see me.. None of those people even offered just to check up on me.. Well once I get back on my feet.. My word is NO and Fuck You..... I can't be a people pleaser anymore.. I am riding on SOLO and #ICANT no longer.. It doesn't mean I don't love ya... I just can't help ya,......


I am sorry for the long wait.. Maybe sometime soon I will be back on the up and up.... right now Life is boring and I am healing...

Being the strong one... When my own life is complicated....

It's hard loving someone and seeing them hurt. It sometimes make you feel there isn't much for you to do. You just try to be strong for them, comfort them, and give them a chance to grieve. This past Saturday SOS lost her favorite and close uncle. I tell you she is taking it hard, yet she is strong.  I am amazed on how well she is taking it. At first she did a lot of crying. See her uncle wasn't sick. He was laughing and carrying on like he normally does... I haven't known him long, but the time I did share with him was all good fun. He was a nutcase. He was very funny, helpful, and loving... Such a great man.

I've been also busy trying to be there for her and be here for my family. Just today my grandmother had triple by-pass surgery. I haven't gotten to go see her yet. My plans is to go see her tomorrow. Since she is in ICU there isn't much we can do at this time.. They said that everything went fairly well... I hope and pray she comes out back in tip top shape... I know that me and my dad side do g hoe much... I have my reasons.. Yet they are still family and I love them.  Boy when they find out I am with a woman.. Lord they might cut up.. Well not to bad since my sister is a Lesbian herself. They didn't like that much either.. I am the 1st and oldest grand... SO YA KNOW... They stay hard on us...

I helped SOS write out her uncles program for the funeral. I happen to run across a poem that I online a few years back... The author is unknown.. It fits Mr Roy's life perfectly... He will truly be missed... Here is that poem...

He Set Me Free Author Unknown

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free,
I'm following the path, God has laid you see.
I took His hand, when I heard him call,
I turned my back, and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work, to play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I found that peace at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Oh yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and peace to thee,
God wanted me now; He set me free.

I love SOS and her family dearly... I hope that their family will be able to make it through...

What's in a Letter....

Ive been doing the 30 Days Facebook Challenge... Well today was  A picture and a letter... Today I posted this letter (which was inside a card) from my cousin.. This was back in 2004 when she wrote it. I kept it because it had a lot of meaning...
See I keep things like this...
In the letter she was saying about how I was acting when I first started actually dating MC... It was how she felt she had to start acting like the BIG Sis.. See I always took care of her..
I wish to this day she would read this same exact letter... See the words she wrote is the same words someone needs to tell her... She was saying how she would never lose her self or love another man that didn't love her in return.. A relationship that wouldn't hurt her...  Well guess what folks.. She is doing just that... I do not approve of her relationship.. He has been physical with her.. I feel as if he is using her.. He isn't working, he is ignorant. To top it off he  is young without an education.. She is in college and raising two children on her own.. I just don't get it...
How can you preach something you don't practice? I can tell you that MC wasn't never a bad boyfriend.. He just wasn't ready for a relationship..  At the time of her writing this letter, she was having her 1st child.. She felt that I wasn't there for her when she was pregnant..  I felt that I was but I did have to share time with my man..  Now with the relationship she is in.. I been slowly backing away from her.. I used to hang at her house on the weekends that I am off. Now it is that I really don't care to be there and listen to the mess... I don't approve of them always arguing with each other in front of the children. So what do you do... This person really isn't the person that wrote this note.. I truly believe some where she lost herself... I pray that one day she will once regain her strong, positive mind...

Who am I?

Ambitious, Emotional, Great Friend, Honest, and Sincere..... 
I sent out a mass text message to those who know me all so well.. I asked them to tell me how do the see me.. What kind of person do they think I am...

Is this how people view me? I know these are some qualities that I have.. I am very emotional.. Almost everything touches my heart... When I feel strongly about something.. I can go all the way out with it.. This is what makes me so human...

I don't know too much about Ambitious.. I know this year I am going after everything I want... Before it wasn't so much as Ambition than it was lazy.. I would have so many opportunities to be great... I just sat back and let others do it..  Now since I am on this I am going to LIVE my life now.. I am so ready to start living.. Once I get that all settled.. I am going to be at my GREATEST point..

Honest....  I tell you sometimes I am a little to honest... You all read my blog.. I will tell most of my daily life on here.. If I am a friend I will always be upfront.. I hate when those don't do the same.. If I don't approve of something... I will let it be known...

Good friend and Sincere.. I am try my darnest to always treat people the way I want to be treated.. I care about people feelings so sometimes I might hold back some things... I wish everyone a happy and well life... So this is the person that I am.. Add full of life, inspirational, and crazy then you will get the total package.. I am so glad I am still living and well.. I will one day impact someones life..

Putting all things aside...

Today has been very emotional for me.  A person that I still love and care a great deal about. Someone that I have talked about here on MC....

He told me today that he lost his mother.. Something went through me. I know that me and him have had some rough patches. I know he is hurting..

He was a Momma's Boy... They talked everyday. If she didn't like something he didn't like it either. They was so close. Although she had 14 children. She was a mother that made sure ALL her CHILDREN was taken cared of. She also made sure all of them went to college and made something of themselves.  So I respected the woman. She didn't think I was the right fit for her son in the beginning.  After she noticed that I loved him unconditionally and knew I wanted the same from him. She begin to understand.

My prayers and thoughts go out to his family. I know how hard it is to loose someone very close. A person that raised you and nurtured  you. When I lost my grandmother.. I thought the world was ending.... So I see him trying to be strong. I am putting all things aside now...

I am opening my arms wide. I am going to be there if he needs me. It will not mean that I am forgiving him for all the things he has done.. I am just being a friend that cares... I have to give him that.. We spent almost 7 years of our lives together....

It was a matter of time...

Tonight folks.. I had to hear about something that really has been on my mind a lot lately.. It was just a matter of time. So I am sitting here hurting for my cousin/friend..  I've might have posted about her boyfriend.

I had stopped hanging around her, because I could not deal with all the mess he has put her through and she refused to listen to any of it.. It began from the 1st time they started dating.. I didn't care for him. He was to young and she has a lot going for her..

Then I found out about him and his abusive past. I knew it when I 1st laid eyes on him.. I tried telling her. I've been with his type before so I recognized the signs. Yet she kept telling me he isn't like that.

A few months later me and him got into it because he wrecked her car. I told her then.. LEAVE HIM ALONE. She wouldn't do it. I didn't know what hold this man had on her but I didn't like it. They would argue all the time and it just wasn't healthy for her or her kids. She didn't even know this man that long and he was already turning her life upside down... It became that me and a few of her other friends just stopped coming around. I knew we would catch a charge if we had to be around him.. She told me that she had been tell him that she needed for him to leave. She wasn't happy with the way the relationship was going. He even started accusing her of things..

So tonight she told me what he did to her. It broke me down. Cause it wasn't something I wanted her to go through. I've been through it myself...  I am going to be there for her.. I just pray that she doesn't take him back again... Love is suppose to be kind and loving.. A person you suppose to care about is not suppose to hit you.. A person that claims to love you suppose to make you happy.. I wish this type of thing would end..  No person suppose to lay a hand on their wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend.. It is just not right..

I am just glad that she finally saw what so many of us have been telling her.. I just hate that it came out this way..

Just going out for a little while makes a difference... :)

I wasn't planning on going anywhere tonight. My plans was to stay at home and watch the good movie line up on TvOne. Then my home girl Shay the one in the middle of the photo.. She was your sister's girl friend birthday is coming up and she wants us to come out and have a have few drinks...  Well we head on to Clemson.. My sister works at this bar and she was got off early..  So we stay there and ate some pizza and had some drinks..

I don't know what it is but I always get these drunk white girls always getting attached to me. So this woman was drunk out her mind dancing with me and spitting in my face.. I was like go on.. Her and her boyfriend was rapping every song that came on.. It was so funny I couldn't stop laughing...

Then we stayed around for a second or two... I can say I had a good time even though it was for about an hour or so... I always like being around people who can make fun just by going out for a few drinks....

I love you girls...

I CAN'T give anymore of me...

Yesterday I took the time to really get deep into myself.  It was something that I've been meaning to do as my process to stay in my Happy Place continues...  I had to block my communications to a few people.. I am even limiting who I will be chatting with via "social networks"...  I got to get to a better me.. I got to clear my head.. No distractions needed..

Sunday night I got a call from a former user... He used me.. It is that time of year.. See I would always fall back into his trap.. I used to care about this guy.. I mean A LOT if you all knew the things I went through and did for him.. Yall would have slapped me over and over until I got the clue..

His Birthday is coming up and you know what.. He wants me to show him how much I love him..  Every year he comes around during his Birthday and Christmas.. He spends a lot of time cause he knows how I feel about Birthday's and Christmas..  He thinks he is gonna get an ass off gifts and all the coochie he can get..  I learned last year... It was no way I was going to allow this to happen.. I was stupid, dumb, and naive to think this man was real anymore. Word got back to me once, "Ahh Mah will get me anything I ask for".. He would go to his friends and brag about how much I would give him. How I didn't everything he asked.. He would say, It is because she LOVES me..  To be honest folks.. I didn't love him.. It was mostly feeling sorry for his ass.. I am a sucker for a charity case..

One year I brought him a lot of gifts.. It was nice seeing the smile on his face.. When everyone came to me and say, "what did he get you?" I was really ashamed to say... NOTHING.. I mean even saying that brought tears to my eyes. I did more for him than I did myself. He is not the only man who has done this.. Out of all the men I've dated, only one ever brought me a Christmas gift.. It is only a few that went out the way for me... So after the Holiday's he would disappear.. I wouldn't hear from as much.. He wouldn't even come around.. See I allowed myself to put up with this shyt..

Well now I am done.. I am closed.. I can no longer give anymore of myself to anyone.. I am drained. I can't help NO ONE.. I am at a point where I am struggling with life, health, and money.. Where are all these people that I gave my time, my heart, and money too.. Like they are always... No where to be found...

It was a lesson learned...

What a Weekend.. Fill with Booze, Fun, and even stupid.. (crap)

This weekend has to go down in the books as one of the best I've had in a VERY long time.. I celebrated my birthday with lots of fun.. It also had a few down too.. I am just thankful I made it to another year... Thank you Jesus...

I stayed over my cousin's house for the weekend.. I know that was my best bet to enjoy my Birthday. It seems that my cousin had a better time than at first.. Then I got it cracking... We went to see my favorite band downtown. I love that group.. I swear I got to make it more often.. I was grooving.. Also the guy that I met a few weeks back, came to celebrate with me. He was also throwing out the doe... :) He made sure I was going to enjoy my birthday.. After the band we left and met up with a few more friends at this bar and grill I like. That's when the party got started right. I love how that dj mixes up the music.. He has new music, Old School, and Phil Collins.. LOL  Then me and my friend that I met.. I tell you I don't know if  I was drunk or I am really feeling him.. We made some type of connection.. We were kissing up a freaking storm.. It was weird, because I look at him as the quiet type that doesn't make the 1st move... Yet he did.. (he is a VERY good kisser too) We were having such a good time until booooooooooooooom.. My cousins boyfriend called. I swear this relationship of hers is starting to really wreck my nerves.. She had to leave cause she had to go pick him up... Ughhhhhhhh..
So got back to her house and by this time I was really pissed.. Up until my phone rings and it was someone I really had been thinking about.. He came over and sat up with me.. We ended up talking until 8 something that morning... The rest of the day became a blur.. I was sleeping off and on all day...

Well Saturday night was cool.. We went to this little hole in a wall.. I didn't like it there much because of the music and the kids. You know those young folks and that Gucci Mane music.. So we stayed there long enough to have a few drinks.. I was also in the presence of my cousins friend.. Dang that woman is cute as a button.. I couldn't keep my eyes off her... So then we went off to my favorite Strip Club.. Club Money.. I tell you that I don't like to pay to get in, but if you are the type that loves to see Beautiful, Nicely Shaped Women,  plus a few of them does some awesome tricks..It is one woman that I swear I would be so nervous around. She is beautiful, thick thighs, thick booty, and boobies.. You should have saw all that money she was carrying around.. Men were make it rain on her like it was no tomorrow.. I see why she is there most of the time...  I even had to throw her a couple of dollars...(don't get me wrong, I feel that sometimes strip clubs are degrading to women..) I just love the atmosphere there.. Plus there are A LOT of security in that place.
Then Boooooooooooooooom my cousins boyfriend got kicked out.. She left with him but refused to answer her phone so me and the others after 30 minutes left out. He pissed me off so bad.. I kept asking her why in the hell she remains with this damn child.

Then came back home yesterday to spend time with my family from NC... I enjoyed this weekend and I can not wait until next year that I can do it all again.. Well not exactly wait until next year to have a good time but my birthday is always on point...,...

Can we Talk?

It's been months and I can say I miss my sisterhood... We had some good times together, but as it goes.. Good things don't last always.  I never thought in a million of years that ONE man could change everything. See me and the girls got together almost once a month and we had a party.. It was at first just a small group of us. You know the ones that are always together. Then this man comes along and changed everything.

I am happy for one of my girlfriends. I don't care for her choices, but if she feels happy oh well.. This man has made me not even want to step foot in her house. I try to keep positivity around me. I try to be my free spirit and  happy self. It is hard when you feel you are being watched by some creature...  He is the type of guy who is so jealous of his girlfriend friendships. He tried everything to destroy it.. I tell you he has succeed. I didn't want that to be the case. I felt I had no other choice.

I want to sit down and get my group of girls together and just talk. I've want her to know that it isn't that we abandoned her. We just can't deal with the disrespect and the fact that he is so young. What can this man do with 30 something year old women and men..? He is not over 21 as of yet. We have told her we don't feel comfortable around him.

She feels that we are wrong. She feels like we should accept her choices in life. She wants us to respect her choices..  I have, I don't bad mouth that sorry ass, ugly muthafudrucker to her face.. I still call her and we talk about other things.. I don't want to loose the friendship and the bond we have over this young nig... Me and the other girls are just outside looking in.. We only see what is visible.. I don't know what goes on when we aren't around.. We don't know how he treats her.. We just go by what she says and what we saw...

I just don't see how a woman can still forgive a man that wrecks your car, curses you out, and don't want you to interact with your friends.. Yet he checks her phone calls.. He calls back numbers of the last person she talks too..  I remember after he wrecked her car.. She said.. They have good times together.. We only been around when the bad stuff happens.. So we need to lay off him.. So yes this is what I did.. I wish her all the luck in the world..

I just want to say Girlfriend, can we get together and talk....
.. You know this is what friends are for.. We are each others shoulder...

Letting it all reflect...

 

It was back to work for me today. I did end up having a great weekend. It took me pushing myself out of the house on Saturday.  I never did make it to my father side of the family cookout. I really did want to go so I can see who else I am kin too. It seems like they are floating every where. I told my dad onetime his family is a bunch of whores *the men of course*.. LOL

I went out with my bestie..  Then another one of my friends from Georgia came up.. Went out to party and I can say we had a GREAT time. The only thing that was bothering me was the fact that my Georgia friend man was working my nerves. It seemed that he wanted and felt he needed a play by play of her where a bouts.  I tell you I wanted to curse him out so bad. Then he gets mad because her phone lost signal.  She did come back to where they were staying at a certain time. I tell you I am so happy I am single right now. That made me really not even want to be in a relationship. I even posted on my Facebook page, Thank you Jesus I am single.  What was so funny is that he commented on it... I was like go ahead stupid ass.. This man has cheated on her so many times until it is pathetic.  I guess they have an understanding.. I sure hell don't... 

Then Sunday went to two Cookouts. One just went and ate. Then other one just stopped by for a few drinks and chit chat. I was glad that I did get out the house. So good to be around good people. I can't wait until the weekend. I think I am going to do it up.. I want to go get so wasted.. LOL

Then I had one of the best conversations. See I am a closet freak. I love hearing things that has to do with sex. Hell I am a sexual being. I just can't help it one bit. We were talking about somethings. About over hearing someone have sex. Hearing the moans and groans just make ya moist and wanna masturbate or even join in the fun.. LOL  The only problem is one of the people I don't think I could get down with. They aren't my cup of tea.  Yet they want me to join on in.  I want to because it will get me a chance to be a little closer to someone I really really enjoy being with. So who knows.. You might get a play by play on what happens, only if I let it happen. 

I also FINALLY got to see my crush. It was almost 2 weeks since I last saw him. He came over last night after dropping his daughter off. He took her to see the fireworks. I was so happy to see him. He seen my mother at church yesterday and he asked about how I was doing. I don't know why he did such a thing, because I just talked to him the day before. My mother loves him to death. She likes that he has so much mannerism.  I told her I believe he is just scared of her. LOL

Well anyway, we laid around watch tv and talked. I wanted him to stay the night but, he felt that since I had to go back to work in the early am. It would be best if he left.  I ended up not sleeping. Fireworks and gun shot consumed my night. Even thinking about my crush kept me up half the night. He is just so freaking awesome. I just wish he think the same. He don't believe in his greatness all that much. 

I am starting to see golden skies. It is a wonderful feeling right now. I am reflecting on it. I might go through a lot of storms but in the end, the sun always shines on me.  I love it.. I hope that is more to come. 

You know what.... I don't know what to think...

I am at a lost for words again. I don't know what to think of the events of the last few days. I just know I am not liking it. As I stated in the earlier entry that I am happy right now. I feel that I found someone that would be the right suit for me. Enjoying his company and not rushing anything.

Well the last few times I have noticed him getting aroused when we touch. I have noticed that he looks all dreamy at me. I think it is cute and it is a real boost of confidence for me.  I still want to take this slow. I am not ready for what sex might bring. Sex always seem to damage my way of thinking.

Yesterday was even more awkward.  I didn't stay at home the night before. I hung out with my cousin. So I told him that I will meet up with him later on that day. Well I don't live by myself. So he asked me would I like to come over to his house for a change. I thought about and I was like no.. I can't trust myself being alone with him right now. I am most comfortable at my own home. Well he agreed that it was cool and everything. He said he would hit me up when he is on his way.. That was around 5pm yesterday evening. I haven't heard from ole dude yet.

This morning I saw him on FB for a hot second. I didn't get any response from him or nothing. So I am so dumbfounded. I took a chance to talk to this man and he is acting funny. I have known him all his life but I never thought that he was this type. I might be jumping the gun, but I didn't get no type of call.

So it leads me to believe that because I wasn't willing to give into sex, he is not interested. I could be wrong but what am I to think. My cousin believes he is backing off because he wants it and he doesn't want to get to close right now. I am just shocked by his actions right now. I hope and pray that it isn't what I thought.

I really enjoy this guy. I want to see where this might lead us. I just hope it won't break the friendship that we have now.