My thoughts are keeping me Isolated....

I took a week to think about things.. I had time to reflect on what happened to me over the last week and the past few years.. I still haven't came to grips on my life.. Meaning I know the things I want.. I know how to get to that point of full and total bliss.. I am just struggling to do it.. I still living in fear of the outcome.. I still live with this burden trying to keep my life in order...

Today I was looking at my sister's status message while I was at work... It brought tears to my eyes..  She was talking about how every morning she wakes up and give praises to God.. She thanks him how he keeps her sane and gives her hope...  I myself do the same thing.. I thank him for allowing me to see another day... It is just my sister LIVES her life. She doesn't worry about what others think.. She keeps it moving... So I told her to give me encouraging words... I am at the low point as of right now..

I have my days now.. Some days are better than others..  The things that play in my head is keeping me from living.. I WANT A NORMAL LIFE.. Why does these thoughts and feelings keep playing a MAJOR role in my life?  One of the people that I think highly of wrote a blog entry one day.. She was talking about living your life...  I had to comment on it.. I made a comment that went something life this... " I rather live in misery than to let the truth come out"... Isn't this sad..? I mean seriously..  I found the reasons to why my relationships doesn't work.. I knew it all along.. I just keep right on lying to myself..   I don't know why.. I just do..

I am a grown woman and I still can't face my truths and my demons... So most of the time, I front when I am around  people.. I am good at reading others.. So I feel that they can read me back. So I continue to isolate myself from a lot of people.. I have gotten to the point where I don't like to be around some.. I know that I am not living the short life that I have.. . I am a woman full of mystery..  I pray that one day,  I will be able to break this.. Still a work in progress..

I am going to be ALRIGHT.....

After having a night to where I didn't get much sleep... I still gave thanks to the Lord for giving me another day.. This week has already been a challenge.. Going through all the things Ive been through this week.. I surprise I am still standing... I have yet to figure out what is really going on.. 

I still keeping my faith.. I am still keeping love in my heart..I have been through worst things.. I saw this as God's way of helping me. He is helping me get rid of those who aren't going to do me any good. 

I still have a lot of life to live... I am not ready to give up.. I am not ready to call it quits.. I am going to be ok.. I  might had the wind knocked out of me for a quick second... I still gonna keep my smile....

In just 2 days...

All I can do right now is laugh my ass off... In just 2 days I have managed some how to piss some people off.. Yea really...  I frankly don't care about it.. It is just the saying comes to my mind... "What do I look like, Ho?" What do people really want from me? Seriously.. I have been nice.. I have been cool..  I haven't did shyt...

First of all it started yesterday with my ex...  MC... He has moved on.. He claims to be happy.. So I haven't talked to him in a few weeks.. Why should I anyway?  So he kept on saying that we aren't friends anymore..  I was like ok.. So boom out of no where.. He started cursing me out.. He was mad and saying all kind of shyt to me.. So I just deleted everything that had to do with him.. I was not about to let him talk to me any kind of way... I am still dumbfounded...

The new guy I was talking about.. He too is now deleted... Just say the things that he said to me wasn't what he actually wanted.. He came to my house today.. Just say he wasn't looking for nothing more than him getting  his kicks.. I am sick.. Went to the doctor office today and I have Bronchitis...  Thinking that he just wanted to come and check up on me..  Oh well he had other ideas.. So when I showed him that isn't what he was going to get.. He got mad.. He got pissed..

So in just two days.. I guess those who didn't mean me a bit of good are out of my life.... I sure do know how to pick them don't I...

I love it just as much as the next person...

BUT WHY MUST EVERY MAN THINK THAT IS ALL I WANT TO TALK ABOUT...

Yes like I said I was going to narrow down a few men to get back to the dating scene.. I am tired of not having much of a male companion..  So I have met a few men that are cool. They even make me laugh.. (Which is a BIG turn on for me)..  

So why is it that the one guy that I am feeling the most, has baggage also.. Damn Damn Damn James...  I was willing to put it to the side just a tad.. So been chatting it up. Trying to get to know him and get heads up about him. I suppose to have a date with him tomorrow.. I am just not quite sure I want to.. Cause as of the last few days.. All this man has to talk about is SEX.. I mean come on now.. 

I love SEX.. I love the thought of SEX.. I just want  a regular conversation sometimes. 

Is this the new thing when dating? I don't want to date a woman if she is not tuned into me sexually... I am starting to get confused all over again.. I see if I was the one that started it.. I swear this time I wasn't... 

I will let you all know if I broke down and went ahead and went out on a date with him.. 

Heck this is the 2nd guy that I tried to go on on a date with that all they do is think about SEX..  The last one was the same way.. I see if these where younger men... You know younger men tend to be hot all the time.. These are men well in their 40's or close to it..  I was trying to get a change of pace and it seems to be the same ole same... Damn I hate dating... 

Wish me luck...

My Mindset....

I aint going to let things get to me.. Today MC posted his relationship status...  I truly believe I am over it.. I seriously didn't let it get to me..  I congratulated him and wished him all the happiness in the world.. The funny thing is I MEANT IT... He seems to be happy and I am glad..

My mindset right now is to have a positive outlook.. My world could be shut down and torn to pieces right now..  I thank God that it isn't.. Last week I lost a good friend due to cancer..  She was a fighter to the end.. She was always in a happy spirit even though her life took a different turn.. So right now she is truly my inspiration...

There is no longer a need to dwell on what I don't have.. It is no need to keep crying over my failed relationships.. All I need to do is be happy and keep on living life.. God has me here for a reason and I don't know what it is, but I will one day find out.

I feel some type of relief of the pressure.. I used to believe that I had to have certain things in order to be happy.. Well I no longer think that way.. I am a SIMPLE woman.. I have accepted the fact that I just want to live a normal, free spirited, simple life.  If I find a man or woman that is equally yoked as I.. Then  I will settle down..  Life is seriously too short to continue to worry.. So I am definitely looking on the BRIGHT side of things... Any and everything is possible...

I am going to Think, I am going to be POSITIVE.. I will no longer live my life with negative thoughts, actions, or spirits..

Happy New Year... 2011

Looking toward what the future brings..