Doing the Work...

I have been following the "Fix My Life: The Healing House"  I can say I see so much of myself in all these women. I been following along with the Deeper Dive that she has on YouTube as well. The exercises are helpful too.

As I look at these Brave women it gives me a sense of self. I used to think only me go through these things because everyone around me seem to live in this perfect head space.

There are a few  labels that I identify with totally.

Hurt
Anger
Unloved
Lost
Fear
Hopeless
Disappointed
Ashamed
Alone

Those labels resonate with me.. I can say I feel all of these labels and sometime I do act out because of having these feelings..
Those of you who have followed me over the years.. You see how my life is a roller coaster and not all ways peachy.. I have a lot of unresolved issues.
I've been a person who like CLOSURE and those that have affected my life never had the consideration to give me that.
So as I continue this process of healing myself and my heart I am going to try and let go off all this that makes me angry, bitter, confused, and hurt.

I know for one, I am really tired of feeling my feelings.. You know Black Women can't break and that causes us to be in a lot of unhealthy relationships as well as just health... I want and need to feel worthy and for me to get to that point.. I have to Do The Work.. I can no longer neglect myself to make others happy.. I can no longer be passive/aggressive..

I am going to try to always do what is right for me and just let others fend for themselves..
With me taking care of my mother and having no job and no income coming in, has taught me a lesson.. I am going to put in the work.. I have to... I can no longer deal with life the way that I have been dealing with it.

Oceans, Rivers, Lakes...

Oceans, River, Lakes…

How being used has gotten me this far…

All my life I have been a giver.. The only child I was spoiled rotten and pretty much got everything I needed and I guess wanted..  I had friends but they were family so it wasn’t like I was given the opportunity to just have friends outside of family..

Not until I got to I guess the 3^rd grade I ended up having friends.. I had one particular friend that I used to feel bad for. I think my mom sorta adopted her.. When my mom buy for me I would either ask her to buy for my friend or I would give my friend something of mine.  This went on until High School. Then after that we lost touch.. I still consider her as a friend but we rarely talk or see each other..

During those years I found myself taking always being the go to girl. If it was with friends or with Boyfriends.. I was the one always giving.. Just give give give.. It could been money, time, skills, even sex. It became addictive.. If I wanted their time, I knew what I had to do..  It seems like no one likes to be around me unless I were doing something for them.. (It might have been the case, but it sure did seem that way).. 

My 1^st Boyfriend… He liked me mainly because I would bring cakes and candy bars to our 4^th grade class..

My 2^nd Boyfriend… He liked me because He needed me to pass high school and after I started wanting time with him, he walked away because he didn’t want to really be in a relationship with me.. He never finished High School..

My 3^rd Boyfriend… Used me for sex.. I wouldn’t hear from him unless he wanted sex.. Then wouldn’t hear from him again until he was ready again..

My 4^th Boyfriend.. I paid his rent, I took care of his son, I gave him sex anytime he wanted, I cooked, washed his clothes… I left him when he started using me as a punching bag…

My 5^th Boyfriend… I was just used all the way around.. Money, Food, my Friends… He ended up sleeping with 3 of my friend girls I am no longer friends with…

My 6^th wasn’t even a Boyfriend yet it seemed like we were… I did EVERYTHING for this man.. EVERYTHING.. I have yet to hear from him…  SMH!

In all this I didn’t include MC.. I felt like he was my best boyfriend I ever had.. It was just I could never make him happy because he was looking for the Perfect Person with a Perfect Past… I know I am not that person..  So as you see why it is so hard for me to trust ANYONE… As of the last few months… When I was out of work and so forth.. Do you think I had anyone to have my back? NO! I had a few call and ask for money.. I have a few call and ask could I buy their groceries.. Yea, it’s me who is ALWAYS there for others..  Now, going through my health and my moms health (dementia) It has taken all my energy from me. I have no strength to get out of the bed half of the time. I know the last few years I haven’t been the best person… I have built up so much bitterness… All in the process of just trying to be a better me.. It has caused me to really shy away from folks.. I think I have an addiction to helping other until I have nothing but the truth that I shouldn’t have.

I’ve crossed Oceans, Rivers, and Lakes for others.. I don’t even get a puddle… I know I will be Blessed in years to come.. So I am not worried… I am just letting it be known, there is no more of me to give.. I am all out of resources, energy, and time..

I embrace it all..

Going through much of what I am dealt with.. I think my BIGGEST problem is trying to understand the WHY... I don't know if I am equipped for this. Years on Years of disappointments really draining my soul. I always have said if people really KNEW me. People would really understand why I feel the way I do. 

Just this week I had  2 people to tell me I am a negative person. I always think the worst in things. I don't see myself as a negative person because I always try to see the good side of things. It are those I trust and there are those I don't. Nothing really good has ever happened to me. Then the things that I thought was great, in the longer run it turned out to be not so great. You know after all the abuse mentally and physically that I have endured just takes me to a place of empty space. 

I am truly scared to get close to people . Then I keep running to the people that have hurt me because I am so uncomfortable to be around strangers. I don't like living in misery, I just don't want to put faith in people for them to show me that they are all in the same. It was one point I was in my HAPPY place and then It disappeared. WTF?

I truly do need to get lost in something. Something to take my time away from my thoughts. My mind is the very thing that is slowly killing me. Just the other day I was taking a walk and as I felt the air, listened to the birds, all I could do was cry. I mean cried so hard until I had to stop where I was and just look all kind of crazy. Cars passing me looking at me like I lost my dog or something. It was so bad when I got home I went to sleep and slept for about 3 hours before I got up to go to work.

I am on Vacation this week and I think there will be a lot more thoughts to come my way.. I just hope that they will soon become HAPPY thoughts.. Enjoy your weekend if I don't hear from you then..

A Talk with Someone...

The other day I had a talk with someone.. We were talking about relationships.. Also the reason why I am not sure if I want to get into another one. I truly believe I am meant to be single. I don't know if it my choices or is it really me.

Over the years I dated men.. I dated women.. Out of both of those relationship which over the last 10 years I've only been in two relationships.. The one with the guy (which you all know was MC) it lasted 6 almost 7 of those years.. It had it ups and downs.. We had more good times than bad. He wasn't able to commit to me until he thought he was losing me.. That was in 2007 and we started dating in 2004.. His love for me started fading in 2009.. That was when we called it quits.. Well he pushed me to call it quits.. LOL

It took me awhile after that to decide to date or not.

 Then this woman came into my life in 2011 and it changed everything. I mean everything. I felt like that was where I was suppose to be. I felt good. I felt happy. I felt understood. I finally stopped fighting the battle with myself and how I felt. I gave up a lot to be in the relationship.. Friends, Family, Partying, and Men.. For What? I sometimes ask myself. It ended just a few months later in 2012. March 2012 to be exact. When I found out about her lying and cheating ways. I was forewarned but it I was naive to believe she wasn't like that.  Well you all know the story to that too.. I have tried to remain friends with the woman because she is good people but not in the relationship sense. We have our days.. We have our fights.. Well not to long ago before Christmas I went off on her and physically tried to hurt her. So  I had to step back on the friendship.. I saw that she wasn't trying to treat me as a friend. I had to see there is still something in my heart for her too.. So I had to numb them feelings in my mind. Guess what though.. Since I've been acting like who gives a damn, I am getting better at just going along with my life. 

Okay, the conversation I had.. I was saying how I don't know if I could be with another man again. I would like to just cause I still feel that I am attracted to men.. The issue is that I believe that I am only physically attracted to men. I don't know if I have the emotions to connect with another man anymore. MC put me through the ringer mentally... My friend goes to say, Female on Female relationships are about just SEX.. If they don't have a great sex life then there is nothing else for them.. I was like huh?
My last relationship with a woman was NO INTIMACY!! Yea time to time we might did something but not often.. We had more of a caring, talkative, cuddling relationship. I was able to talk to her about everything.. Now I will say when it came to my feelings, she might dozed off. LOL I think she listened to other stuff.

I really don't know what either relationship suppose to work.. I don't know one from the other. LOL
I just know I don't think I am ready to go down that road anymore. I am not one that picks up pieces quickly. When I go into a relationship I give my all and then when it ends, I don't know what to pick up or what to leave crumbled.

As 2014 keeps on going and I keep on moving.. I might be at a better place this year.. I started getting it right toward the middle and also sought help for my anxieties.. I am still trying to maintain a healthy way of living.. I hope and pray that in time I will know what's right for me and what is wrong.. Right now a relationship will just crowd my space.. I am aiming for the BEST ME POSSIBLE!!!