It doesn't matter anymore...

Happy October Folks... I hope all is well for each and every one of you.  You know I normally give this big Hoopla about my Birthday every year.. Well this year I am keeping it low key and laid back.. I think I am the only one who has ever made a "BIG DEAL" about birthday's anyway. It seems no one around me really gives a rip about birthday's...

This years is the 1st year in a LONG TIME that I will not be doing anything..  Yes, I am kinda disappointed but you know... I am a big girl and I will get over it.. People tell me.. It's just another day.. So I guess I better get used to it.  It was a few things I wanted to do to celebrate. It looks like I will be doing alone. 

I have shut so many people out of my life.. I thought I did what was best for me. I had to remove myself from the negative folks in my life. Since I did that over a year ago.. I have found myself ALONE. Then those who I would allow in my life.. I am afraid to because of my trust issues. I believe no one around me would have my best interest at hand. 

It's so weird... This time last year, I was having the time of my life. I felt that everything was looking up in my favor.. I was also in love. I was extremely happy.. I am still Happy.. I might not be the jumping up and shinning happy.. I am more on the thankful happy.. I am happy to see another year alive... I thank God for that..  

So as I see another year.. I accept things and people that I can not change.. 

So I am accepting this lonely life I am leading.. I'm relying on God.. I have too.. I believe if I don't will truly go crazy.. 

So come Monday... I will be a 37 year old woman... Older and wiser... 

Free!!

Today I am Free

I am free to be me

I held on as long as long as I could

Today I let go, as I should

No more lies behind lies

No more looking in your face while you lied behind the smiles

You took my heart while it was up for grabs

I can’t believe it was the one thing would stab

I gave you everything I had to offer

I refuse to be the one who sits here and suffer

You go on with your with your life

Cause today I got to see the pictures of your wife

For that I no longer doubt myself

You go on and take care of yourself

I can walk with my head held high

I can take to the sky and Fly

Cause today I am Free

I am free to be me

©2012

Mahoganydymond ™

Even in the midst of loneliness.. You can count on your friends, to cut on the light

As I have had this time to think. This time alone.. This time to go through all my processes... I realized something. I NEVER had a BEST FRIEND... The only people and spirit I have relied on is Jesus and My mother.. Some say, THAT'S ALL YOU NEED... In fact that is to be SO TRUE..  Over the course of the few weeks, I must admit.. I have felt very alone. I have felt that I have to do all things alone.  Thanks for the people who have called and tried to send encouragements my way. I really got to stop thinking I am the only one going through something.. Yea, I gots to get my grown woman on... I thank you Sweeties .. I am the type that does hold a lot in. I am not sure as to why I do these things.. I am hurting. I just try to hold it in.. I am suppose to be the strong person. Today my friend V said something to me.. I tell you.. She was on it.. LOL Gotta love her.

"I would Love for you to put it into play ... I don't like da fact that you're sittin' round mopin' ova someone that could care less.
You have to let go sweetie ... that's what you're havin' a problem doing. You're in Love and want it to work so you're trying to hold on ... but you can't, it's not healthy for you. You have to find a way to let go. & yes I know it's easier said than done ... but look at yourself, really take a good look at yourself ... is this the person you want to become? Or do you want to be the person you once was, yet wiser?
You realize that when you speak things, your speaking the energy and presense of that into existence. I really would like to see you think more positively of yourself ... you think so positively of others but fail to see the same positivity in yourself. We all make mistakes ...  I too have not felt the amount of Love that I give but if you believe in Love like you say, you also know that it has to find you. So don't get down about the experiences and choices that you have had. E'ry thing we go thru is for a reason and you MUST learn from e'ry experience you have. Each trial is a lesson. Take the time to receive that lesson and move on wiser. We're only human & shit happens. We as a people and gender are the hardest on ourselves. Sweetie I know you've talked to others thru their trials ... think about things you've said to them. I know you can do this ... YOU have the power to do this. Remember YOU have to believe in YOU before anyone else will.falling in love w/ folks isn't the problem ... it's realizing that it's not forever, I've been thru it too sweetie. "

It was nothing that I never heard already. From what she says and what the others that I have talked to about my situation... That is what a friend does.. Someone who tries to pick you up when you are down. I am glad that they all care about me. Maybe soon this all to shall pass.. I tell you one thing.. I am ready to go back to work and get my money right again.. I think the rest of this year.. I am going to get me back. I miss Shopping... I miss going out for drinks with my associates.. I miss being being happy with myself. 

Deep down I knew this past relationship wasn't going to work. I was warned.. I saw the signs.. Plus it happened so fast.. So I believe I fell for it because I felt I needed it.. See I don't like being Single. I never had.. So now I refused to be anything else. I am embracing this as I GOT TO GET ME IN ORDER.. This is a mission..  

There is no need for me to keep focusing on what I lost.. She isn't worried anyway.. Right now she is with someone having a party this weekend. All she keeps denying the whole thing. I know.. I believe she knows I know.. It is just her way to keep me in her life and let her keep living her life.. Then look at me.. Wanting her to look and see all the things she has done to me. It is my wishful thinking...  A person won't value you when they can't value themselves and vice versa.. 

So I am going to have me a Exhaling session.. My Friday night is Dateline and America's Most Wanted.. Tonight I am going to add extras.. I making me some chicken and some drinks... 

Happy Weekend Loves!!!!!!

Yesterday I was feeling some kind of way.. I am not quite sure what went all over me.. I became frustrated with things once again. I was wondering why I keep putting myself in situations that I know will affect me later.

  I don’t like being alone. I really don’t.. (Well not alone in that sense)…  So I always linger on to people I need to let out of my life.  I try holding them as friends. Some I hold on to just in case the next person doesn’t work…  Ex-boyfriends, Ex-girlfriends, associates, friends etc… etc…

This is not going to help me seek the relationship I want.. I say I forgive these people who have done things to me. Do, I? Cause the more I think about it. It still bothers me. I still feel that once they done those things, they still doing it. I don’t think I get over it, at all.

So I am finding time to find ways to clear things up.. I disappointed myself. I let myself down… I refused to let it get the best of me anymore. I feel the need to get back to me. I was doing just fine until this last ex…  Once being with her, I realized that I was missing the need of companionship. So that brought all kinds of emotions again.  So here I am picking up pieces of my face…

I don’t know why LOVE always does this to me.  I have truly been in love 3 times in my life.  After those relationships FAIL.. I become so depressed and feeling worthless, I just don’t know why.  I hate to fail at something.  I also question myself to why they never worked..

I had a very good talk with God…  I feel that if I keep myself on track and focus on what is important. I will be ok… My path is leading me to the right destination… It is going to end a peaceful place.  I am going with the flow….

                                                                      graphic from "Mediaatvictory.com



I am starting to get tired of being Misunderstood.  I don't get why people think I suppose to act one way... I don't get why people refuse to listen to my side of things.  Some feel like I complain a lot. Also think that I need to just suck it up and get over it. In some cases that could be true. I have a right to feel though...

As you all know I lost 3 people that I was close to right when I started dating my former SOS. The people I went to have a good time with. The people that I went to when I needed a friend to talk to.. The people who kept me company when I was down and depressed... I NO LONGER HAVE THOSE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.

Since I've been out of work due to my surgery. I been to myself. I can't hang out.. Even if I did, who would I hang with. I have been getting a little depressed again. I have too much time to myself. So when I have that time, I THINK A LOT.. Me and thinking don't get along.

So today while talking to my Former SOS.. I became kinda PISSED... I wasn't mad, but I wasn't to happy. We were talking about how I have been acting lately. Yea, I haven't been in the best of moods.. It has nothing to do with the reasons she feel is the problem. She thinks I need to get out meet people and start back doing the things I did before I met her. (she fail to realize) I can't do those things at this moment and time. I am still in recovery. I am still broke.. I no longer have local friends.  As of late she has been dishing that out.. Well DUH!! You are part of the freaking reason..

I can make up and try to reconcile my friendships.. Why though? It was some hateful, rude, and embarrassing things that were done and said. How can I get that friendship back? What if I decided to get involved again in another relationship? They might start tripping again... I don't need that...

What I need for them to know... I have every right to feel the way I feel... You think you know me... Seriously you don't....

Day 2...... The Best Love Ever....

Day 2~ Best Love...what they meant/mean to you...


Now mines is a little different.. It isn't what they meant/mean.. It what I mean to myself...
This love affair started around 2008.  I never thought that it would be possible. Then one day I woke up. I had told myself that NO ONE CAN EVER LOVE ME the way that I LOVE MYSELF... 


The Best Love I ever had is the LOVE of SELF.. See I tolerated so much when it came to relationships. I never valued myself too much. I didn't even know why I even existed in this world. 


So after countless of meaningless relationships, sexual relationships, and abusive relationships, I had enough.. I took the time to see what, who, and why... I found out what would really make me happy. I have my days, but I can say I am finally at peace with everything. I will not allow another person in my life, if they can not Love me as much as I love myself. 
Now that I am loving myself. I see things on a more positive note. I have my confidence back. I know now that no matter what anyone say, I am a valued human being. No more would I let anyone give me fake promises and broken dreams.. This Love that I have for myself MEAN the WORLD to ME!!!!

Time Will Tell...

I have been keeping myself busy.. If it wasn't for these Blog Challenges and Reading a very GOOD BOOK.. My depression might have been set off again.. I've tried to not think so hard on what is really going on with me. I'm keeping my positive outlook a float.

You know they say Trouble don't last always.. I so I am going to be optimistic.. Time will tell when all this will be over.. It did hurt me just for a second..

One of the people I value the most. A person who was there for me when I thought about ending my life.. A person I haven't even had the chance to meet yet.. A dear internet friend that I have known now for 12 years.. She is recovering from a bout with Cancer.. She asked me today VIA FB was I coming to her recovery party.. It kills me that I can't be there for her, when she made it a point to be there for me.
I am broke as hell, I am trying to move, and my job still not paying out any more money.. So a trip to Cali doesn't look like it is going to be in my near future..

Still holding on the the hope, that one day it will truly get better...

Who am I?

Ambitious, Emotional, Great Friend, Honest, and Sincere..... 
I sent out a mass text message to those who know me all so well.. I asked them to tell me how do the see me.. What kind of person do they think I am...

Is this how people view me? I know these are some qualities that I have.. I am very emotional.. Almost everything touches my heart... When I feel strongly about something.. I can go all the way out with it.. This is what makes me so human...

I don't know too much about Ambitious.. I know this year I am going after everything I want... Before it wasn't so much as Ambition than it was lazy.. I would have so many opportunities to be great... I just sat back and let others do it..  Now since I am on this I am going to LIVE my life now.. I am so ready to start living.. Once I get that all settled.. I am going to be at my GREATEST point..

Honest....  I tell you sometimes I am a little to honest... You all read my blog.. I will tell most of my daily life on here.. If I am a friend I will always be upfront.. I hate when those don't do the same.. If I don't approve of something... I will let it be known...

Good friend and Sincere.. I am try my darnest to always treat people the way I want to be treated.. I care about people feelings so sometimes I might hold back some things... I wish everyone a happy and well life... So this is the person that I am.. Add full of life, inspirational, and crazy then you will get the total package.. I am so glad I am still living and well.. I will one day impact someones life..

Writing it out.....

For so long I bottle my feelings up.. All this free time that I have I continue to hold my grudges and hatred for things that has happened to me... The people who have deeply changed me for life....

I try to break their hold on me. Seriously,  I have been saying for years that I am letting go.. You know that statement is harder to do than to say.. I can say it until my head explodes.. It will still carry some kind of weight on me...

My childhood... As far as I know... I don't remember much... I do remember bits and pieces... I remember crying for my mother to stay home with me.. A few nights out of the week. My mother would go stay at her boyfriend's house. I would be home with my grandmother..  I used to cry until I fell asleep at night.
So now I am trying to break free from my mother.. See when I moved back in with her. I was saying that I wasn't going to leave her again. I said I want to be married the next time I do.. Well as you all have saw.. I am not having very much luck when it comes to men.  It is coming close though to where.. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE...  My mother is now so depended on me.. I don't even think I have time to myself. I don't mind and I love my mother dearly.. She gave up a lot of her life to make sure I was happy.  I need my freedom and my space.. When I am not in the mood to do something.. I really don't want her to keep giving me this guilt trip...

My job.... It is becoming more and more of a disadvantage than anything. I've been hearing stories from a few  people. My manager is and has been talking mad shyt about me. She is questioning people about my life. She want to know this and know that... Well you know it is bad when I have found myself getting hives from work. I am so stressed at that place.. I don't know how to deal with it. It is frustrating me so much... I want to say how I feel about all the changes.. I just can't though. You know jobs are hard to come by so we got to bite our tongues and zip our lips.. I just pray I don't have a heart attack in the process...

Men.......... I truly do dislike them to a point. Two of my exes have been calling. I wish that they leave me alone. I try to be nice yet nice is not working.  I am tired of the types that approach me. I am tired of those who are so different in the beginning then turn out to be like the rest in the end... I am just TIRED of everything..

Me... I hate the things that I've done. I hate all the secrets that I hold within me. To be honest,  I might even hate myself.  I am far from being a bad person. I just hate that my life isn't what I wished it was.. I hate that I can not live my life the way I truly want too.. I hate that I can't loose weight.. I hate that I seek some type of happiness and when I get close to it.. It becomes a living hell.. I HATE THAT I TRULY DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE...  I have this warped sense of myself...  I've been abused in all types of ways.. So trying to really grab grips of my life... I just want it all to be set free...

How do I do just that? What process do I need to take? How much of letting go actually work?  What are the things I need to let go? How can I release myself from all the hurts?
These are questions I ask myself all the time... I still trying to seek the answers...

The old saying.. "Let go and Let God"... I've even tried that... I said, God is going to truly take care of those who hurt me...  I am so ready to open myself up.. I want the locks and chains removed... I want these dark clouds to open up and let the sunshine in........... When will my day come? Will I be ready to accept it?

I'm not PERFECT..........

I never claimed to be the PERFECT person in the world.. I have had so many downfalls in life. I never claimed to be the victim of circumstances...

I am just a human that has lived life... I am a human that has been through rough patches.. Sometimes I am a Beautiful Disaster...

I hate the way my mind wonders into dark territories.. Nah... Not like those serial killer type minds.. The world of lust, sex, and anger...  It does something to me.  I feel that I am my own secret society.. I know that sounds funny.. Yet didn't I just say,... I am not PERFECT...

It's a shame that I only share my deepest thoughts with a few of my friends.. So the other day when my BFF called and told me she had a surprise for me.. I was thinking it was something that I have been asking for....  I started to feel bad.. Just cause I try so hard to keep my wants to myself...  The funniest thing though... I can't use it...  It is was not the right fit... LOL

So bad to the drawing board.. I need to complete my strap on quest... I think her mind and heart was in the right place.. She has been telling me for YEARS to be true to myself...  I  am trying..

My thoughts are keeping me Isolated....

I took a week to think about things.. I had time to reflect on what happened to me over the last week and the past few years.. I still haven't came to grips on my life.. Meaning I know the things I want.. I know how to get to that point of full and total bliss.. I am just struggling to do it.. I still living in fear of the outcome.. I still live with this burden trying to keep my life in order...

Today I was looking at my sister's status message while I was at work... It brought tears to my eyes..  She was talking about how every morning she wakes up and give praises to God.. She thanks him how he keeps her sane and gives her hope...  I myself do the same thing.. I thank him for allowing me to see another day... It is just my sister LIVES her life. She doesn't worry about what others think.. She keeps it moving... So I told her to give me encouraging words... I am at the low point as of right now..

I have my days now.. Some days are better than others..  The things that play in my head is keeping me from living.. I WANT A NORMAL LIFE.. Why does these thoughts and feelings keep playing a MAJOR role in my life?  One of the people that I think highly of wrote a blog entry one day.. She was talking about living your life...  I had to comment on it.. I made a comment that went something life this... " I rather live in misery than to let the truth come out"... Isn't this sad..? I mean seriously..  I found the reasons to why my relationships doesn't work.. I knew it all along.. I just keep right on lying to myself..   I don't know why.. I just do..

I am a grown woman and I still can't face my truths and my demons... So most of the time, I front when I am around  people.. I am good at reading others.. So I feel that they can read me back. So I continue to isolate myself from a lot of people.. I have gotten to the point where I don't like to be around some.. I know that I am not living the short life that I have.. . I am a woman full of mystery..  I pray that one day,  I will be able to break this.. Still a work in progress..

I am going to be ALRIGHT.....

After having a night to where I didn't get much sleep... I still gave thanks to the Lord for giving me another day.. This week has already been a challenge.. Going through all the things Ive been through this week.. I surprise I am still standing... I have yet to figure out what is really going on.. 

I still keeping my faith.. I am still keeping love in my heart..I have been through worst things.. I saw this as God's way of helping me. He is helping me get rid of those who aren't going to do me any good. 

I still have a lot of life to live... I am not ready to give up.. I am not ready to call it quits.. I am going to be ok.. I  might had the wind knocked out of me for a quick second... I still gonna keep my smile....

My Mindset....

I aint going to let things get to me.. Today MC posted his relationship status...  I truly believe I am over it.. I seriously didn't let it get to me..  I congratulated him and wished him all the happiness in the world.. The funny thing is I MEANT IT... He seems to be happy and I am glad..

My mindset right now is to have a positive outlook.. My world could be shut down and torn to pieces right now..  I thank God that it isn't.. Last week I lost a good friend due to cancer..  She was a fighter to the end.. She was always in a happy spirit even though her life took a different turn.. So right now she is truly my inspiration...

There is no longer a need to dwell on what I don't have.. It is no need to keep crying over my failed relationships.. All I need to do is be happy and keep on living life.. God has me here for a reason and I don't know what it is, but I will one day find out.

I feel some type of relief of the pressure.. I used to believe that I had to have certain things in order to be happy.. Well I no longer think that way.. I am a SIMPLE woman.. I have accepted the fact that I just want to live a normal, free spirited, simple life.  If I find a man or woman that is equally yoked as I.. Then  I will settle down..  Life is seriously too short to continue to worry.. So I am definitely looking on the BRIGHT side of things... Any and everything is possible...

I am going to Think, I am going to be POSITIVE.. I will no longer live my life with negative thoughts, actions, or spirits..

Happy New Year... 2011

Looking toward what the future brings..

A New Year....

Here comes a New Year.. A time that everyone start fresh.. They make resolutions that most don't keep.. Thanking the Lord above for making it another year.. It is a blessing to make it to another year.. For me anyway.. I never thought I would still be standing here in my right mind...

I am not going to make a bunch of sayings that I am going to do this and I am going to do that.. Nine out of ten.. I might not even do one.. I have gotten so complacent in life. Every time I try  to make a change.. I always fall back into all over again... So I am not making any promises.. Let's just say... I am going to try my best.. That is all I can do.. I am going to try to live better.. I am going to try and make better decisions when it come to my Health, My finances, My Educations, and my Social and Personal life..


I suppose to hang out with my friend's and Heaven tomorrow night... My friend is having a house party to bring in the New Year.. Let's hope that turns good... Until Next Year....

Happy New Year...

What this Girl Wants...

I was chit chatting with my friend..  We were talking about my past events of the week.

I am just ready to live my life. I am tired of fooling with the nonsense of others. I don't even want to be bothered anymore. 2011 is my year and I know it.

It started this year when I said I was tired. I started wanting a change in my life.
I saw myself not to long ago about to take another step back down the same road. I had to stop and shake that off. So yea I am thankful right now for standing my ground and getting my life back in order. It took awhile and I still working on it. I have a drive in me.. So I am ready to continue the road to my own personal success.

Although I am in my happy place right now.. I am beginning to want some companionship. I've been single now for almost 2 years now. I am happy to be single but it isn't always a cake walk. Especially around these Holidays, it would be nice to have someone to spend it with. So yea I am ready for a relationship.. A slow, honest, fulfilling, and loving relationship.

Money rules the world. The prices of everything is going up. I sometimes feel that I work just to eat and pay bills. My job isn't really promised anymore. They are still cutting hours and what not. So what I want is out there somewhere.. I've been looking and still trying to land another job.  I don't want to struggle anymore. I want to be able to say, my credit, my bills, and everything else is paid. I need this right now. Just the other week, I told my moms, It's a shame that I will have more when I am dead than while I am living.. Pretty soon, I will no longer be living check to check.. This is what I want.. This is one want I know will come true.

It has been months since I last went out anywhere.. Well I am ready to get back to the social scene I once had. I remember I was the life of the party at one point of my life. I even would have parties at my house. I am ready to let my hair down again. Me and some friends are going to Atlanta for New Years.. I really can't wait for that. I am in need of a GOOD TIME.. I just pray that my girls are ready.. Cause I know I am...

So at this point all I want is a Good Relationship, More Money in the bank, and Have a Good Time.. Is this too much to ask.. I don't believe so...

Tracy, I just can't believe you are "SINGLE"....

I don't know what is wrong with people... Can a woman just be HAPPY by herself...   I swear people are starting to wreck my living nerves... My Co-workers, my friends, and even some strangers... When they ask, "Are you Married?" I say... "No"  Are you dating anyone? "No".. I just can't believe you are "SINGLE"...

This guy that I reconnected with kept saying this to me over the weekend.  Was going on and on about it. Telling me it is so strange. I am a good person.. I am nice looking and I can cook my ass off. He just don't understand why a man just can commit to me.. I don't know the answer to that just like he doesn't but it doesn't upset me one bit...


I am about tired of explaining myself. Do someone have to be in a relationship when they get a certain age? If so that is something my mother never told me about.. My mother is a single woman. She has been single for a few years now. She tells me, I have dated and came close to marriage so many times that I am just happy to be alive. She told me when it came to marriage, even my father ended up doing something to want her to break it off.

 I think the same has been in my life too.. I have been engaged twice and I am 35.. Once was with someone right after high school.. He gave me the ring and made me feel special.. He was a good man.. Then one day while at his house. I find something that belonged to a woman. Comes to find out, she was a young girl. She too was in High School.. I think she was a few years younger than me.. I was like o hell no.. This man was dating little girls.. He was like 19 and I was 17.. This girl had to be 15.. So I broke it off.  The next one was good until after I got the ring.. He became very very abusive. So I had to get out of that relationship too..

Then it goes to good old MC.. I just knew he was gonna pop the question to me.. We had a relationship of 6 years. Then after all that bullshyt.. The drainage, the wasted time, I am finally free from all that. As I keep saying, I am in my happy place.. So why people can't be happy for me? I just don't get it..  I will wear my SINGLE HOOD PROUD....

I love me some me... 

I CAN'T give anymore of me...

Yesterday I took the time to really get deep into myself.  It was something that I've been meaning to do as my process to stay in my Happy Place continues...  I had to block my communications to a few people.. I am even limiting who I will be chatting with via "social networks"...  I got to get to a better me.. I got to clear my head.. No distractions needed..

Sunday night I got a call from a former user... He used me.. It is that time of year.. See I would always fall back into his trap.. I used to care about this guy.. I mean A LOT if you all knew the things I went through and did for him.. Yall would have slapped me over and over until I got the clue..

His Birthday is coming up and you know what.. He wants me to show him how much I love him..  Every year he comes around during his Birthday and Christmas.. He spends a lot of time cause he knows how I feel about Birthday's and Christmas..  He thinks he is gonna get an ass off gifts and all the coochie he can get..  I learned last year... It was no way I was going to allow this to happen.. I was stupid, dumb, and naive to think this man was real anymore. Word got back to me once, "Ahh Mah will get me anything I ask for".. He would go to his friends and brag about how much I would give him. How I didn't everything he asked.. He would say, It is because she LOVES me..  To be honest folks.. I didn't love him.. It was mostly feeling sorry for his ass.. I am a sucker for a charity case..

One year I brought him a lot of gifts.. It was nice seeing the smile on his face.. When everyone came to me and say, "what did he get you?" I was really ashamed to say... NOTHING.. I mean even saying that brought tears to my eyes. I did more for him than I did myself. He is not the only man who has done this.. Out of all the men I've dated, only one ever brought me a Christmas gift.. It is only a few that went out the way for me... So after the Holiday's he would disappear.. I wouldn't hear from as much.. He wouldn't even come around.. See I allowed myself to put up with this shyt..

Well now I am done.. I am closed.. I can no longer give anymore of myself to anyone.. I am drained. I can't help NO ONE.. I am at a point where I am struggling with life, health, and money.. Where are all these people that I gave my time, my heart, and money too.. Like they are always... No where to be found...

It was a lesson learned...

I am just as confused as Alice in Wonderland...

I fight EVERYDAY of my life to fight away my temptations.. The thoughts that run in my head, I am sometimes so afraid to share with ANYONE.. I find myself going into a world that only I can control.. I've been dealing with oh I don't know how long. So it just becomes a part of me. I go into my secret world on the daily. I get pleasure from it. I go to that place where there is nothing but extreme pleasure. It is the perfect world for me. Just cause my reality sometimes get the best of me.

What is so funny about the whole thing is..(don't think I am crazy because I really don't feel that way) When I try to bring it into reality, I am not happy with it.. I don't get it.. I like women, I have tried to be with women. I guess this is why I never really fully came out.  In my fantasy world it is all wonderful.. Everything is just happy, happy, happy..

A few years ago, After me and MC broke up one time.. I approached this woman that I messed around with time to time. I am not going to say mess around.. It was like a friendship that sometimes went a little deeper. I asked her to be my girl. She agreed, so there it was.. I was dating her.. Keeping it to myself.. I didn't want anyone to know. Everyone that saw us didn't think anything.. We hung out a lot so they knew we were friends.. A few weeks pasted and I was about SICK of it.. It was like I felt disgusted. I didn't want to be near her. I didn't even want to touch her.. Heck.. I didn't even call her in a few days.. I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with her.. (it was an WTH moment)... I couldn't handle the shame I felt.. I couldn't deal with others finding out about it.. It was just too much stress on my part..

I started sheltering myself. I isolated myself and even became more anti-social than I already am. I didn't want to deal with people altogether.. I started back going into little world again.. The place where I like and I know that my worries are of someone else's...

It has been times that I wanted the female touch.. Then there are times where it makes me sick to my stomach.. I tell you this girl got some serious issues... I am now at the point to where I want to find out what is really going on. I tried talking to someone about it. They tell me it is suppressed feelings.. It stems from the fact that I care what others would think of me.. It comes down to where I was raised and the moral issue of it all.. I don't think that is the case.  Hell I don't know what in the hell it is.. I just know I am living a confused LIFE...

Just this pasted Saturday.. I went out with my friend girls.. She is actually a friend of my sister's  We call her Diva.. She is so cool and her spirit is sorta like mines.. We like to have fun and drink.. I see a lot of myself in her.. Back when I was her age I was so full of life... Well she is in a Lesbian relationship.. So I decided to hang out with her...  Well we goes to the spot.. It is a gay hole in the wall..It is cool.. I just have a problem looking at the men.. There are some fine men in there that shakes their ass better than I do.. lol

Right now we all know how the Gay community is suffering with all this bullying going on in schools and internet.. It is like being Gay in America is worst than being Black in America.. What is up with that? So at times I think this is why I am having these anxieties... Growing up I always knew I had a problem.. Then when I started watching my sister grow up.. I knew that she was.. Although I am still a prissy and so full of myself..  So what does keep me together is the fact that I see my sister living her life the way she wants. She struggled herself so many years.. She lived a lie just so everyone else would be pleased.. When she came out.. She really did struggle.. For awhile her mother was so disappointed.. My dad nearly flipped but always thought she was..She was even shunned out of her church...

So once I finish finding myself.. I will no longer have to escape into my fantasy world.. I will be able to live life to the fullest..  I will be able to know what it is I want.. I can go on in life and know that I will be ok..  I believe this is why I haven't gotten into another relationship with a man.. I love men.. I love sex with men.. I just don't think I connect well with men.. Only time I do is when we are just FRIENDS nothing else nothing more.... So who knows what road I am going to turn.. I just wish I can stop being so freaking confused by my feelings...

Looking out the window, things can look pretty.. The other side never see how broken the glass is...

Today I was watching Oprah. She had Tyler Perry on the show. He put all his truths out there. I hate to hear stories like this. I feel no child should be abused emotionally, physically, or sexually... A child needs to be loved and cared for. These such events can really change a child's life. Just like Mr. Perry said, that child died when he was young. You tend to loose the person who your were. You try to become something more.. In order to survive you have too..

For me I don't have much of a recollection  of my childhood.. I know I told my mother about it a few weeks ago and it made her really sad. She said all kids should remember some of their childhood... I don't and it upsets me that I don't. The things that I do remember are little things mostly whoppings and getting my hair braided.. I even told my mother I don't even remember her growing up...  It was always me and my Granny..
When it comes to my pre teens.. I know all to well those horrors..

I can go back to at least the age of 8 or 9.. I remember doing things that a child my age shouldn't even know existed.. I was masturbating... WTF I had a brush that was pink at the handle and I remember I used to go in the bathroom every chance I got.. Why is this part of my childhood I remember most?

 I remember talking to my childhood friend about a year ago.. She remembers the things that I did. She told me that she has forgiven me.. I was looking at her all clueless, because to this day.. I don't know exactly what I did to her... All I remember is that she moved and I never saw her again until I was graduating high school.. I never saw her again to ask her what it was..

Then when my pre teens came. I looked like I was around 16to 18.. I was 11 or 12 and tall.. I was fully developed. I was assaulted by my best friend's bother.. He made me feel good and bad at the same time. See I do remember growing up, my self esteem was shot to hell.. I always thought I was ugly because of my height. I always hatted that I had these big ole breast too..  Soon after that event they moved and nothing was never really done about it. All my grandmother would say is Pray on it.. I think this is why I really am not a religious person..

I wanted my mother back then. She always provided for me. She was always a hard worker.. My thing was when she did have free time, it wasn't really with me. She dated this man. He was a good man though.. He took me to school everyday.. I would always have one hell of a birthday or Christmas. My mother and him made sure of it.  It was just that at night my mother didn't stay with us. She stayed with her man.. It would be me and my grandmother at the house... My grandmother was a strict old woman.. She loved me and I know she just wanted what was best for me. I just needed and wanting my mother to give me some type of direction. My grandmother was all that Old School type of raising.. She didn't understand the change of the times.. See this was the mid 80's... She was still stuck in the 60's when she was raising my mother and them...

I have always wanted to be NORMAL.. I never truly felt that I was.. See even during this time, I started noticing that females turned me on. I had crushes on young boys and such.. I just knew in the back of my mind a female got me aroused. I never been aroused by the looks of a man's penis.. It has always been the looks of a womans beautiful smile, body and thighs.  Don't get me wrong, if I am feeling the man.. It is not until he touches me a certain way or even insert his thing in me, I get aroused..  So for years and years, I kept this secret.. A few of my friends would always say things to me about how they felt I had those tendencies..  I would always deny them.. Cause I never wanted anyone to know.. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and not cool..  It was not until I saw the girl of my dreams.. She was a friend of mine back in Middle School.. Yall have heard me talk about her before.. (so I am not going to go into that)... It was her that made me feel the need to let it out. I finally had someone to talk to about how I felt. It was so rejuvenating..  Never knowing her story and what she went through..So we were there for one another... I stopped feeling that I wasn't normal...

After all that, I made sure I told the guys I got serious with that I was on the Bi side.. Some approved, some didn't care for it. So there again, I was feeling less that normal.. So I became the freaky hood chick.. I mean I was doing it all.. I became labeled.. I met this guy he was a little older than me. I felt that he was my on my level.. I really did love him.. Until he turned me into something that I don't even want to tell you all.. I feel this is where my life changed... I was out there searching for something.. I wanted to be loved.. I wanted to feel wanted.. I always felt that I wasn't loved by no one. Not even family..

I happened to met a man that I thought had it ALL.. He was single, good job, and he was raising his son. I ended up with him. I thought finally my life is going to be normal.. Well it was for awhile. Then he became abusive.. He shut me out from my friends and family. He even found out about my secret. My world came crashing down on me when I lost the baby that we would have shared. I was happy but that happy didn't last forever...

So for years I lived in my misery. I was in and out of relationships.. I would find any means for attention.. I even did things I hate I've done to this date. I became sheltered.. I would stay in the house just not to deal with the outside. The only time I did go anywhere was just to go to work. I was ashamed and having the labels that some put out there about me was wearing me down..  I was broken.. I hated myself so much..  I always wanted to know the reasons as to why my life was going the way that it was.. I questioned myself as to what I did to people to deserve the type of treatment and events that happened...

Things to this day still haunt me.. I have put a lot of it behind me. I even blocked most of it out of my memory.. I see what Tyler said today about being FREE.. It was just last year when I broke free from all my hurts.. As I say I am in my happy place.. I can no longer let my past hinder me from living.

See for years I showed everyone I came in contact with that everything was ok. My life was a good life.. Little did these people know, behind my smiles was a woman that was broken.. A woman that was confused.. A woman who lived her life with so many questions... Thank God that I am now able to live life, and stop having my past live me...

Imma Changing....

Have you ever been just tired of BEING nice.. Have you ever been tired of BEING the happy go lucky  person... Well I am .. It is not that I am in a pissed mood are anything.. I AM JUST FREAKIN TIRED OF EVERYONES MOUTH... I seriously want people to SHUT THE F UP...

Part of it starts with my Job.. Everyone is so UPTIGHT.. We are going through something there. We basically have to run the store with less hours to give.. So we are doing work for more than one person.. So when the other employees doesn't get hours, they are fussing.. The ones who got hours are fussing.. Then their are those who NEEDS to be fired and they are still there..  They just need to understand.. EVERYONE can't get their way.. We win some or we lose some. I wish they just get the hell over it...

Then it comes to these people with THEIR judgmental views... It is sad that someone can not live in the world and live their lives the way they see fit.. I sit back and look and say, why are you worried it that person is gay... Growing up I was taught that love everyone no matter what. Even it these people make you mad, just pray for them.. (heck I have been doing a lot of praying)...Me being a Bi-Sexual woman and My sister being a Lesbian. I take all this recent attacks on the LBGT  community to heart..  I love all people, even if I don't agree with their views... I am tired of these kids being bullied and killed. I still say that ignorance is one of the reasons My Timmy is not here with me now...

Lately I am having people tell me how I should live my life. They are telling me the things that I need to do.. Well I say F yall too.. Why is MY LIFE so important to these cats..? I believe they are seeing that I am living a happy life and they want to put salt in it. I just don't get it.. These are people whose life aren't so great, and I have always been their for them.. They are just not liking my "NEW" attitude.. Yea I am in my HAPPY place.. I am having a great time.. I am in that place because I stopped WORRYING about people. I STOPPED doing for people.  I am DOING me and I have no care in the world..

I am doing exactly what that graphic says above.... Ya Digg... :)