The Holiday's are approaching..

I am not ready for this.. Not what so ever... Around the holiday's I know that I am with family but sometimes that get so over whelming for me. I do all the cooking (in which I don't mind) but I do all this and wonder why..


Then the Holiday's is also when I go into DEEEEEEEEEEP depression.. I guess more so around Christmas.. I think Christmas is for kids and I don't have any.. It is also lonely around that time because people that are in LOVE do the IN LOVE stuff and gifts.. I normally give to friends, their kids, and my family.. I rarely get anything in return, I don't mind that.. I am just getting tired of hearing "What you get for Christmas'? In return I have to say.. I got love of family and friends..

I want every one to have a safe, joyous, and blessed Holiday.. So I go out of my way to make sure I help them have such. This year is going to be iffy anyway.. I am not sure how I want to spend this year.. I will be working my arse off I know that.. LOL

Happy Father's Day!!

Tomorrow is Father's Day.... I  like to wish every Father out there a Happy Father's Day!!

We always go out our way to celebrate Mother's Day.. This is about the only time that Father's get recognized.. We live in a society that most kids are raised by just their Mother's... I for one was raised by my Moms and my Grandmother...

I have always been a girl with "DADDY ISSUES"... I have never been really close to my dad.. Mainly because my father doesn't show affection.. (and I am a sensitive person) When he does try it sounds like a screaming match.. This year is going to be one of those AWKWARD Father's Day.. I haven't spoken to my dad in 2 months... I am still waiting on him to apologize to me.. I have yet to hear one.. So that is why I haven't talked to him. He said some things that hurt me.. So I just don't even bother. I love my father , he did help bring me into this world.. 

Growing up, I wanted my father's attention.. He was one of those dads he didn't come around unless my mother asked for money.. I rarely talked to my father as a child unless I was spending the night with my sister's sister.. He was dating my sister's mother at the time. So when they did family events that was the only time I was around him.. I started to feel my father didn't have time fort me. To this day he wonders why I am so close to my Mother's side of the family. 

It was when I was near death in the hospital with my last miscarriage when I. for the first time felt I mattered to my father.. He was there everyday while I was in the hospital those two weeks.. At that time I was 21 years old.  (It was a little to late)... Over the years I have tried to build something with him. I would call him, I would cook for him.. Even at the time he was getting sick.. I made sure I was there for my father.. 

I feel like nine times out ten, I will always be there for him when he needs me. 

So I wasn't going to get him anything for Father's Day, just cause I am still upset with him.. 

My mother kept pressing the issues that I need to get him something.. She was like... "You only have one father and one day you will regret it if you don't.." Now I am trying to figure out what the REGRET will come in.. I never been close to him.. It is so hard talking to him because he YELLS.. I got upset with my mother just cause of her saying that.. I am like I haven't did anything wrong.. WHY is EVERYONE making it seem like I am at fault.. (my life anyway people always blame me for something).. 

So I broke down and got him something.. I was going to put it in the mail.. This way I still will not have to come in contact with him.. My mother flipped again.. SHE WAS LIKE.. I DIDN'T RAISE YOU TO BE SO HATEFUL... (where is the hatefulness at?)  I was told that I am going to call him tomorrow, fix him a plate, and give him his gift.. Hmmmmmmmmm? You think? 

It would have been nice growing up where I was the little girl that sparkled when she saw her father.. It would have been nice to be the girl that when she had a problem she could run to her father.. It would have been nice to have a father that showed me how a man should act.. 

I love my father, but at this moment... Isn't it to late for the Father and Daughter relationship?

I know my dad is a loner.. I know that he moved out his parents house at 15 and been on his own since.. I am some what like my father.. This is why my mother say we always bump heads.. 

I remember back when I was 17 and I asked my father could I move in with him.. He was like NO.. You need to stay with your Mother.. I remember I was going through a rough patch in life. I asked my dad for something.. He said, Don't you got a job?  So, I never asked him again for anything.. I think at that time I was about 25 years old.. 

Now I am not trying to paint this bad picture of my dad.. He is a good person.. He help out a lot of people.. He even have a heart.. He stick by his sisters, brother, Family,  friends, and some of the people who grew up with.. 

It's just the Father I needed.. I never had.. I guess he loves me the only way he knows how... 

Happy Love Day!!

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Aww the day of love.. The day everyone spends a lot of money on candy, flowers, dinner, and jewelry...

Well this year I didn't have someone to smother me with gifts... I still overall enjoying my day.. I pampering myself... 

Got my pedi & mani.. I also cooked me a thick ole T Bone Steak... I don't have to have someone to enjoy my day..

I am happy for those who spend their day being showered with love and affection...

Enjoy the rest of the day and evening!!!!

Love is Beautiful and I am Loving my Beautiful self..

It is Christmas time again.. The year is almost coming to an end.. I am not in the place that I was in this time last year.. I was floating on CLOUD NINE last year.. I in a place of pure bliss and I was living my dream life.. Yes that life turned out to be just that a DREAM!!  

Once the new year came everything went down the drain.. I became again.. A NON Factor in a person's life that I fell in love with. I sure know how to pick em.. Right?  Well this Christmas I am not only not in the mood for Christmas.... Christmas is such a giving and joyful time of year.. Well me... I have nothing to give.. I am also not in the joyful state of mind. 

So far I have only brought my mother, god daughter, and my auntie a gift.. Even my mind is at an stand still.. I used to know what to buy people.. I used to be on top of my gift giving.. Heck I have the tree up and have yet to wrap a gift.. 

I hate the mood I am in.. I wish I didn't go through these emotions and feelings... I just want to be in a great state of mind mentally and emotionally... In due time a guess..  I am going to try and make that one of my priorities for the new year.. I don't want to go down the same path again.. I am so ready to live life and stop it from passing me by..

Although I am a loner and I tend to isolate myself from the world.. I hate the feeling of loneliness.. When the holidays come around..  I think of having a special love... Today I was telling my moni that I am angry.. I am mad at myself.. I am mad at the fact that I was blind sided.. I am getting older.. I want that intimate family..  Me and that special love of my life.. The kind of love that their main reason for waking up everyday is me.. 

I will continue to be patient though.. I will also keep in mind that I am truly blessed to have loved in my life if it doesn't come my way again...

I am wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.. If I don't post anything else this month.. 

Merry Christmas...

This weekend is Christmas.. I am almost finished shopping... I still have a few here and there things to get. I feel like this year I was more into the spirit way before the time came near... Now working being as stressful as it is.. I am too tired to do anything. So that is the main reason why I haven't did too much.  As I am typing this I took a break from getting ready for work.. 

I am wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

My Happy SINGLE Awareness Day.......

I didn't think today was going to be a good day for me.. You know everyone is ALL so MUSHY.. I took it is stride though.. I got a Happy Valentine's Day Text from Heaven.. I also had a few other friends do the same.. They know I never celebrate the day... The last Valentine I did was back in elementary school..  So  I thank them and made the best of it...

I don't knock anyone down about being in Love.. Love is such a wonderful thing when you are with the right person.. I caught all kind of crap when I posted a status on Facebook about Love Fades.. It is the truth.. Someone can love you for years and that ends.. You get tired.. I know I did.. Love always turned to hate on my part..

I called a few friends and wish them the same.. They all are going out tonight to celebrate with their mates.. So I sit here at home thinking and also pampering myself.. I gave myself a facial and a pedicure.. I took the time out to do something for ME.. I LOVE ME so much that I had to do something for myself.. Since right now my life is in such a bind and money is so short.  This is the part that has been getting me down lately.. I don't have money to do anything anymore.. I do know next month.. I am going out of town and I am going to enjoy myself..

My cousin  (my daughter) she brought me some flowers by the house.. I thought that was sweet of her.. She said that I am her Valentine.. I almost shed a few tears, but I held it back.. It is nice to feel LOVED.. It is nice to feel you are on someone's mind.. I appreciated that very much Missy..

I am off the rest of the week because I got jury duty..  Something I was praying that I wouldn't get. So I am taking this week off to be good to myself.. I will also get to see Heaven on Wednesday..  I am loving that and I can't wait.. I hope that everything goes the way it should...

So to all the Single folks out here.. Happy Single Awareness Day...!!!! It isn't so bad...  To all the Lovers in the world.. Happy Valentine's Day to you... I hope that this will continue on and on...

I just Love me so ME...............

Christmas 2010

I hope that you all had a WONDERFUL Christmas... This year it didn't feel like much of a Christmas to me. I was under so much stress and just wasn't feeling up to par. I didn't have the Jolly Jolly attitude.

I worked and just came home everyday and CRASHED. I also had somethings I had to deal with. I am still wanting to clear things up with them. They just haven't called to do so.. I offered my number to them, if they needed to straighten things out.

MY finances also made it VERY hard to buy much of gifts.. So that also dampened my Christmas Spirit..  I am always the one who buys many gifts for people. I am glad they understood... Heck I did make a big breakfast for everyone to come and eat.. It was a small hand full that came.  I bet if I had them a gift they would have came over to the Breakfast.. Some just always expect something. Don't they?

Heaven came by and spent the night with me. I don't know what got into him. You know we haven't been seeing much of each other lately. He said that he has been thinking a lot about me lately. He was talking to his cousin and was saying things about me. He said through it all I have always remained his friend. This whole speech about how I have always understood, stuck by him, and gave him great advice. So he loves that about me. He said in this world it is hard to find a TRUE FRIEND and he believes that I am one of them.  I really didn't jump on that speech much.. Cause he has been the one who has been distant with me.

Anyways it was still good to bring Christmas in with him. I have missed him. I am also glad that he understood what I've been trying to say the whole time.. Although when we used to hang out we would have sex... Well this time it was just us talking and enjoying each others company.. So I believe I got the best Christmas present ever... Having Heaven just hold me through out the night was a wonderful present...

Can you believe that South Carolina had a WHITE CHRISTMAS yea.. We ended up with snow yesterday. I wasn't to thrilled about it. My plans for Christmas night was to Parrrrrrrrrtaaaaaaaayyy..  So I ended up staying at home.. My uncle and his fiancée was suppose to cook Christmas dinner.. Yet they didn't and didn't tell us until late Friday... So we didn't have the big Christmas dinner that I always provide for my family on Christmas day.. Something told me to still cook.. I ended up getting a plate from my cousin.  I cooked tacos and me and my mother enjoyed our evening anyway.  Watched an ass of movies.. So overall Christmas was pretty good.. I have life and family so that all that matters.. Today I think I am going to just enjoy the rest of my time off and get ready for my work week ahead.. I am taking a semi-vacation coming next friday.. I am going to bring in the New Year... Hopefully in the Atl...

Being Thankful... My Thanksgiving post....

I know I am kinda late on this. I just haven't been in my blogging mood lately.. I said now I know I need to post something at least.. I had that I go through these motions...

Thanksgiving Day.. It was ok. I had to work all week and plus Thanksgiving morning..  So I didn't even have to cook, that was a blessings.. Although I wish I hadda... I love my family...  It is just some I really hate being around. Especially those who don't even speak to me when I see them... We also have some honorary family members...  It is one I call "JESUS WALKS"... She always make every occasion in to a church sermon..  I understand praying before the meal.  I tell you we had church up in that building. We had singing, testimony, and a sermon.  She even caught an attitude with the parents who kids was running, talking, and walking in and out during the whole thing. That is when I caught my attitude. I wasn't in the best of moods after that. Everyone knows my stands of forced religion.  I also have a hard time believing that this woman is a CHRISTIAN..  She first caught the attitude, then she talks about everyone behind their back.. She thinks that she has a beamer that it is all about her, and she was dancing to the Cupid Shuffle.. LOL
She was even one that said not to be greedy and left out with 5 plates..

As far as that goes, I am thankful for my family. I love my close members that has always been apart of my life. I love my Mother, Auntie, and cousins.. I am thankful for another year in good health (sorta good) and the ability to live my life to the fullest. Having a job that I can go to.. Even though never have money to spend.. LOL

I am also thankful for my friends that have stood by me when I couldn't even stand  with myself..
We all have something to be thankful for and I am glad that I have my life..

October is around the corner...

I was on my way to bed.. Then as I was reading all the twits on  Twitter.. I started thinking about my Birthday Month.. Yay.. On the 15th I will be 35 years of age..  I am getting older.. It seems that time is just going by so fast.  I was also thinking about what I am going to do.. I really want to do it up this year.. The last few years I have been sick during the time of my birthday.. See now that my birthday falls on the weekend.. I got to do SOMETHING.. I don't want it to be another lonely Friday night.. So I hope that my money is straight.. Cause this year.. I wanna do it big.. I am not sure how long I have left on this earth...

I am at my happy place and I want to spread my joy... One of my friend girls said that something Wild and Crazy needs to be done for my birthday.. Well I am always down for the Wild stuff.. I just don't what kind of Crazy she is talking about.. Heck you never know people these days.. She might be trying to get me into some deep trouble that I am not ready for.. LOL