Today the Breakdown came!!

I wish that there was some way to better explain what I am going through.. I truly do... I can't even answer it myself. As you all know my emotions and my mental aren't in a good place right now.. I am going through so much and writing has triggered it..  I tell you trying to get on the road to healing it is just pushing me back into my depression.. Dam it Man.. I now know why I stopped writing.. It always get to me. It causes me to think and when I think.. errrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Today I heard some things that really took me there.. I can't handle this anymore.. I believe I am on the path to a Nervous Breakdown.. I wish people truly understood me and my thought process.. If they did, they wouldn't say the things that was said to me..  You know things that you need to change in life.. We all do.. Doesn't it just piss you off when folks always wanna tell you what you need to do..? Well, it pisses me off. 

I know that I have things that I need to approve in my life. I also am the type of person that doesn't like to be forced or told to do it.. At this point I am not in the mood for the speeches.. 

I felt like the speech was basically saying that I am a lazy, worthless, co-dependent person.. SERIOUSLY.. Not in so many words but if you draw the conclusion to the words in the sermon.. Basically that what was said..  That took me over the edge.. I was so close to choking this person.. I had to bite my tongue, I had to channel out.. I try to tell people over and over.. You have to choose your words wisely around me.. I am liable to flip at any time.. I think no one will understand until I seriously FLIP THE FUCK out on their ASSES.... 

 I keep saying STOP allowing people to get next to me.. Most of the time I don't, but in my state right now... I can't control my emotions..

It caused me to have a really bad day at work.. It was hard to control my crying.. I was crying at things I didn't even know I should cry about.. Yea, it's that bad.. I reached out to my bestest and he just don't understand.. He tells me just to keep praying on it.. He also tells me that I got to stop letting things get next to me.. Sometimes I just wished I was normal.. Life would be so simpler.. . 

So this is it for me.. I am laying low.. I tried to deactivate my Facebook page today so I won't be on there and end up saying stuff that might fuel more gas into the fire.. The bad thing about that I wasn't able to play my games.. In which that is what keeps me calm most of the time anyway.

So I am still there but I am not going to post for awhile, and I am not going to comment on others statuses unless I feel that my comment is warrant.. 

I just want to get better.. Like my prior entry I am also feeling alone in all this.. Mainly cause there are some things I can not share with others.. I am not good at talking my problems with people.. That is why I no longer go to a psychiatrist or the counselor who kept telling me to talk.. Most of the time I would just write down things and let them read it..

Its so weird how much things in the last 15 years of my life... I used to be able to talk to people.. I used to be able to go out into crowds and be a social butterfly.. I was even at one point in my life have solid and comforting friendships with people.. No more.. I have shut out so many people in my life.. I no longer have people skills.. I don't know if it is the hurt that has been brought on me or is it the part I have been in retail for so long.. 

Living in hurts will cause your heart to shut down.. So why is it causing me to go into a nervous breakdown.. Why are things making me feel so emotional..? It is my hormonal imbalanced or am I really on the verge of going crazy? Who knows.. I go through this a lot.. I just never in my living years have went this long going through this.. It is now going on 3 months and the last few weeks has been at it's worst...

At night I've been having long talks with God... This is the only way I know how to cope.. I hope that in time my faith in the Lord will get me through this.. I don't want medication anymore.. I don't want to keep going seeking help where I feel like help isn't really worth the money..

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! I guess it is about that time!!

It must be that time.. Ever few months I go on this roller coaster of emotions..   I am trying so HARD to become a better person.. I am trying to HARD to stop being mean, rude, and angry.. It is just people IRKS me! I am so tired of the front I have to put up day after day after day.. 

I don't know if it Menopause or P.M.S.. I just know it is lasting longer than expected... 

Seems like the more I try to calm down.. No matter if I take my medication.. I am still errrrrrrrrrr with people.. It is mostly my job.. Then a few around here who chooses to make my life a LIVING HELL!!

People think that every thing is so peachy over here.. Well it isn't and I don't say much when people ask me what it wrong.. Heck.. It aint nothing they can do about it.. The only good thing that is coming out of my anger episodes is me writing..  I am able to write this gory suspense dark short story.. I guess I am channeling in my dark side.. LOL

I just want this all to be over with.. I feel that I am pushed back into a wall of sorts. 

I hold stuff in until I explode.. I am trying so hard not too.. I told my manager today that I feel like I am on this grumpy old woman status.. 

I am hanging with my bestest tomorrow.. So hopefully he can get me out my funk.. He is the only one I really open up too.. He is also the only one who know when I need prayer or need a hit upside the head.. Hell he is the only one I truly let get close to me no matter my mood.. He is loyal to the max.. Even though sometimes I wanna punch him too..  

So maybe the weekend will look up and I can get out this funk..