Oooo Light bulb... You Crazy!!!

My woman's intuition told me that something just wasn't RIGHT... Just a few months ago, I ran across a guy that I thought was nice... He seemed to be cooler than a fan.. It also seemed that we had ALOT in common..  As the weeks progressed... I noticed that something wasn't quite right.. I kinda over looked it..

It was until that day I allowed this man to come over to my cousin's house.. I was sick.. It was back when I had bronchitis.. So he was saying that he wanted to take care of me and hold me. I thought that was also strange.. I mean I didn't know this guy really for him to be all giving..

Anyhoo he came over the following week. I was still sick but I was like what da hell.. I do miss being around men..  Why oh WHY did I let this man come around.. He was very very touchy.. He kept on touching me in ways I didn't like. I also told him to STOP.. Then he became some type of devil.. Really rude, very mouthy, and just FLAT OUT NASTY... So I told him to leave and I meant right then. So then I get text messages about how dumb of me to pass up on a good thing such as his self..  I was like Dumb isn't what  I am...

A few weeks passed by.. He apologized. He was saying he just can't help himself around me. (That was the second light bulb click).. I wasn't falling for it, yet I did allow him to text and call.. I did like talking to him. He was funny.. I just had to make sure he KNEW the RULES... We things were kinda looking up. I still wouldn't  go see him or let him visit me. I told him that it was just going to be a time to time phone conversation. I just didn't feel safe around this man.

Last week I was off all week. It was because I had jury duty. So he wanted to met up. Again I told him no. I didn't feel like it would be a good idea. Although I might come by that Saturday with a bunch of my friends.. I was going to be in the neighborhood and it was my friend's birthday.. So when Saturday came  I changed my mind. I didn't even want him to get the pleasure to meet them.. This wasn't a guy I was feeling.. In no way shape of form.. It was because he violated me.. He had no respect for me... So why would I give this man any more of my personal space... Let's just say.. I think he finally has the hint.. I was just not into him... On Sunday he sent this VERY NASTY TEXT... Basically it was on the line that he will no longer deal with me..  I thought that was very funny noting because I was the one giving him the cold shoulder to begin with...

Then one person that I think is such a nice person.. I consider them being a friend. This friend came to me out of concern. This friend was worried about me and this guy dating.. The friend saw that me and the guy had been communicating. They know each other through other circumstances..  This friend was telling me just how crazy this man was.. I found out some of the things that he has done in the past and trying  to do now.. It was becoming a pattern for him. (I knew it) this man was a crazy disrespectful human being..

I told my friend that I had it covered and didn't have to worry about me.. I already knew just by this man's actions and his words.. I am so thankful that I have learned to notice these things.. Those flashing lights are something else... I am glad it never went any further than it did..

Men aren't too clueless...

Facebook today we were playing the Number Game.. It was very enjoyable I might add.. The thing starting to make me think.. It were a few guys that I let slip away from me. It brought up the " what if's".. I hate those "what if's"...

I started to think about the type of men I came across also. I don't think men are totally dumb anymore.. A man seeks out the type of woman he wants.. Men know about us before we can really know about them.

So I am no longer trying to be everything to a man. They all want what they want at that time.. Like MC when we were dating I noticed he always was looking for the easy freak.. Someone to give him some type of quick satisfaction.. The times he cheated on me with a few women, it was always women he knew he wouldn't have a life with. He wanted a gang of women to boost his self esteem..

Then when I dated ZV he told me I was wifey material and that was something he wasn't ready for.. I was like ok.. I was so confused for a long time by that comment.  We dated for a very long time. So I was like why are we still together if it isn't going to be something between us.. He could never answer..


Even the men that I liked and my crush.. I started playing in my head the type of women they date.. It isn't anything wrong with me. I am perfectly normal. Men choose not to date me because I do have my right mind. The type of men I come in contact with aren't ready for what I have to offer.. I am a good, loving, and honest woman. I try not to sleep around. I don't hang out in the clubs.. Plus I say what is on my mind at all times.. I believe that they just can't handle that. I am just a little too much for them..

So men are smart.. They know getting with a woman like me.. You have to give me 100 and I wont accept anything less than that...

The Truth Never Hurt Anybody... Not me anyway...

Today I became fed up with a lot of things.. When I feel that I am being lied to.. It came make me become really angry... Over the last few years, I have put up with some people where truth is hard for them to tell me. I know from experiences when I person lies to me.. I have became used to it.

Well the guy that I met a few months back via Facebook and Friends.. (he happens to know a lot of people I know personally)... We hit it off right off the bat.. He seems to be cool. I also see him as a good friend.. As I stated before, I am not looking for a relationship at this time. I am still trying to find out what will make me happy... Anyhoo.. When we started hanging out and chatting.. I asked him a few questions that I always ask a man...

1. Are you married or been married?
2. Do you have kids?
3. Where do you work?
4. What are your likes and dislikes?
5. If you are single, do you live with anyone?

He had answered "NO" to all the above. So I was like cool.. I live with my mother right now... I work a lot, but I don't like too.. Also I don't drive at this time, still trying to save to get a car.. I also love my family and friends... I like to hangout with them as much as possible...  I laid all my stuff on the line.. It is no reason for me to lie or fake the funky.. The "TRUTH" always come out in the long run... 

A few weeks had passed.. I started noticing things.. He told me he works 2 jobs.. So I was like since we don't get to see each other much.. Why don't you call me when you get off work.? He never called.. He went out one night.. I again asked him to call when he got in the house.. I even asked him since I was in his town, may I come over..  This man told me no to coming over.. He also "NEVER" calls me when he is at home.. It always while he is working or in his car.. 

So you know me.. I am like this fool lives with someone.. So I started asking him over and over to be HONEST with me.. So you know most men.. He is starting to think I am crazy.. I don't think I am though.. See he is talking like he wants to get to know me.. He is even acting like he wants a relationship... So before I fall for this cat.. I want to know the TRUTH.. 

Tonight I asked him to call me.. He never did,.. He just sent a text.. I told him you better tell me right now.. I am tired of this guessing game.. DO YOU LIVE WITH SOMEONE?  He finally told the TRUTH.. (at least he wants me to think that). He tells me he lives with his Aunt.. I was like ok.. What was so hard about that? I still believe there is something else to this.. Why living with your Aunt equals to you can't call me from your house?  I WANT THE TRUTH DAMN IT....

This post is all about ME... Who I was.. Part I

I was talking to my cousin (best friend) just yesterday. It used to be a point where things were all about me. How I wanted things to go... How I did things just because I was doing me. It gave me such power. I loved it at one point. I tell you though... The backlash of the lifestyle I used to live. It is not good. I now live in a lonely world now.. My karma has finally set in.

I know that I might put to much of my business out here for the world to see. I am just writing what is on my mind. I am writing because in some ways, it might be other people out here going through what I have went through. I don't regret the things I have done. I just wonder what happened.. What made me do the things that I did. Was I that lost to what I didn't really know what was going on.....

I am about to tell you all some things.. I might get a big ole eye roll.. I might get a maybe that is why she acts the way she does type of comment. I am just going to tell you... This post is all about me.. My life, the way I lived, the way I am now getting over it all..

The first thing is.. I am a total freak. Sex used to be a STRONG part of my life. When I say I have done almost everything there is to do sexually I have done it. I played both roles. I was a freak and at some point I might have been a whore.. I loved sex. I needed sex... I needed that physical contact. It didn't matter if was from a guy, girl, or my toys.. It all started early in my teens... I was masturbating at the age of 11... I started fucking at the age of 12...  I knew I like girls at the age of 9.. So I don't know what in the hell I went through. I don't remember hardly anything on my childhood.

Then I was constantly dating older guys. At the age of 16 (which people thought I was like 21) I was dating a guy who was already out of school and had children. I think he was like 22 years of age.. He would pick me up everyday and fuck the hell out of me.. When I say I couldn't get enough. He was a small guy.. Yet I would let him play in my pussy all day if he wanted too.. Well after I would leave him.. I would call up another guy and literally beg him to come over after my mother went to sleep...Now he was a BIGGER dude.. Man I loved it.. To this day I sometimes have flashbacks on how good his stuff was...

It hurt me when I found out #1 was messing around with someone else.. Then #2 ended up going to jail.. So there I was... I was not getting dick for a hot minute... That's when I started kicking it with my best friend.. I knew that she was bi at the time.. We always had similar qualities...  So we got along good.. (whew I miss her)  We ended up having a private thing going on... It was cool while it lasted...

Then back in the mid 90's... I met my match... I met a man that was going to give it to me anyway I wanted it.. I met someone who like my twin soul. He loved sex.. The freakier the better.. I am not going to go into all of the things me and this man used to do.. I will say... It has changed my life forever... So when I say.. Karma is a bitch... I am living it right now...

My Thought of the Day.. Friends with Benefits...

My thought of the day has been on my minds for years. I can not quite get the point of some people. The conversation I had with a good friend from the past triggered me. It fired me up last night. So then this morning I went to ask a few more men about the subject.

I am talking about men and maybe some women who wants only sex and nothing more. Come on people, where is the respect in that. I am so FREAKING tired of that lifestyle. Who in the hell ever came up with it? It is on the same lines of this Independent Woman shyt. I don't like it what so ever.

In my early 20's, I went out with a few dudes. I kicked it with them and maybe one or two I screwed. It came a point where I had to put a stop to it. I wanted more and they was saying crap like it is better just the way it is. I was like huh? How is it better? Is it better because you can go out and screw whom ever you want and not have to answer to anyone else... Well to those who are willing to suck themselves on that and taking a chance of catching something, go right the hell on. My door will not be opened for you...

So back to a friend of mine, he was saying that he was wanting to find someone that he can screw from time to time. I told him to go out and find a girlfriend. He was like Hell Naw, I don't want that. So I was getting confused. Cause who is just going to screw a man and her not being his girlfriend? He said I want... A Friend with Benefits... I said, what woman wants to be in that type of relationship.. I told him go out and find a steady WHORE... He just better make sure he has more money in his pocket.. A dick aint just enough when it comes to that type of relationship. He said he can't handle the more that a woman wants. He don't want the drama that comes with a relationship. He likes his own space and freedom.. I think those type of men are COWARDS.. They don't know how to be a real man. He lacks how to treat women with respect. So whore hurt him in his past and he don't know how to get out of that rut..

So once I got up this morning I call the King of I don't want a relationship... I asked him what is it with men and not wanting to commit themselves to a woman. His big answer was, I am scared... I was like how in the hell a grown ass man can be scared? He said if his feelings get hurt he gonna cry or something. I asked him he don't want to get hurt but he is constantly hurting the females. He said he aint doing such, because he told the woman before hand he didn't want one.

I think men and women need to stop playing these games with one another. If you don't want a relationship, then don't pursue that person. If you just want sex go buy a crackhead or whore... I am so tired of the mixed signals. I am so tired of the saying, Friends with Benefits. I am a woman who wants and needs more. I want a friend, a lover, a companion, security, and commitment. I don't need a man on the side.. I don't need a booty call. I want a man to be mine and all mine.
So I say no... to this...

My Thoughts of Today.. Men Who Can't Love..

It has been 48 hours since I last talked to him. Over the last few weeks it seemed that everything was going fairly well. I don't know what and why, I haven't received a call back from him. Frankly I don't care. I called a few times and today, I left a message.. "I will not call back".

I am serious about this. I am tired of always being the loyal one. I am tired of always being so concerned and what not. Well I take it he does not want to talk to me. It is his choice and I am not putting a gun to his head.

I represent a woman that loves and care about the future. Not just my future alone, but the future of the man I love. He always had commitment issues. I never tried to force it. I just tried to deal with it time and time again. I think he has gotten used to the fact that I always there. Always there when he need to feel loved.

Well you know there are times that I need to feel loved myself. Lonely nights are not so wonderful, if you know what I mean. Living far from a person the only connection you have is a simple phone call. When that becomes non existence you feel neglected. So you start to question the last conversation you had with this person.

Well I stopped years ago wondering what I did wrong. I know that it has never been me in the first place. I have always been upfront, understanding, and loving. I try to put things into place. Then his actions becomes so contradictory. One minute I am the love of his life. The next minute he wants to be freed of me.

I wrote on my other blog a few weeks back about how I am not so independent. It was a conversation I had with him. He was mad because he wants an Independent woman. Now note ( I take care of myself. I have raised myself since I was 14. I work and pay my own bills. I never asked him or anyone else to do jack shyt for me). I just feel in a relationship, there are things that a man should do.

It kills me when a man wants to be treated like a man, and then turn around and act like a punk. It boggles me, what are they thinking... You have to act like a man to be treated as one. Ya feel me?

I had this book for awhile now Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart".
I started reading this book today. It has been on the shelf for a few years. Heck it has been on the shelf since me and MC first meet. I see where the author is coming from. I have put myself in this type of relationship over and over again. I used to think it was me. I know this is not the case.

I had an ex once tell me after we were together for 8 years, You are like a wife and I am not ready for marriage.. This statement has stuck with me for years. I know I am not a perfect person, but damn, it makes me feel like it.

It goes to show you that some men rather be with a whore than a good woman.. I will never be that. So if it means that I must remain single, I'll be that...

My Thoughts of Today.. Men

I love them Lord knows I do. I just can't get a grip on how SOME of them act. I been trying to figure them out all my life. I guess it goes both ways. I do know I try not to keep them in the guessing field long. I let them know how and why I act the way I do. So what is so hard for them to do the same for me.

I think it started back with my father. He is a non emotional man. He will never show you his weaknesses. He also is not verbal with anything that he has qualms about. Now if he is mad and pissed at you, that is when he lets it all out. (SMH)

It has been years on years I wanted to hear I love you from my dad. Don't get me wrong he is an excellent father. He has always given me what I needed and some of what I wanted. I think the only time he was really there for me was when I was in the hospital near death. I just hate it took that for him to really open up with me. Maybe that is just his way of not letting me see his emotions.

The next man was my 1st love. Now I was 14 years old when I met him. I loved and still love him to death. He was everything a girl could ask for. It was one thing though, I could not tear this man away from the streets. Yea I said it. He was only a year older than me and he was out with his friends and do heaven knows what. He had his 1st child when he was 16 and he was still my boyfriend. (SMH) Every time we broke up, he would pop up with another child. That's when I just had enough of the thug life. He later went to jail and served a few years. He said he is done with all that. So far he has been clean, I just don't know how long that is going to last.

Then we have the last man on my list.. I have been seeing him for the last 5 years. I am so confused when it comes to him. One day he is lovie dovie. The next day he is like hell on feet. I know he loves me, he has proven that over time and time again. I just can't get any sense on why it is so hard for him to COMMIT. I am not asking for much when it comes to him. I think we dated for 3 years before we actually had a relationship. Which that only lasted 3 months. He keeps on saying he is scared and he don't want to hurt me. I want to know what in the hell he is so afraid of.

I came to terms with it all. It is what it is.. Just a freakin friendship... LOL

Men, you can't live with them.. You can't live without them.


"I guess I am better off being single and keep the men as friends."

I will never understand your logic in life...