I am OKAY!!

Today wasn't so bad after all...  I got to see my Diva (my friend, my cousin).. We had laughs and drinks..  I still see that it isn't so bad.. I guess I just needed the laugh and the comradeship. 

I just knew my normal Friday without Dateline was going to be sucky.. Well by Dateline not coming on.. I got to chat and start to mingle with a few people online.

I just got to get myself back out there. I have to stop being afraid of people. I read this picture on Facebook.. Happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.. I totally agree.. I am always thinking about the what could have been's.. I should just think about what it is going to be..

I don't know if it is my Daiquiri's talking or what.. Me and my baby steps.. One day at a time!!!

Even in the midst of loneliness.. You can count on your friends, to cut on the light

As I have had this time to think. This time alone.. This time to go through all my processes... I realized something. I NEVER had a BEST FRIEND... The only people and spirit I have relied on is Jesus and My mother.. Some say, THAT'S ALL YOU NEED... In fact that is to be SO TRUE..  Over the course of the few weeks, I must admit.. I have felt very alone. I have felt that I have to do all things alone.  Thanks for the people who have called and tried to send encouragements my way. I really got to stop thinking I am the only one going through something.. Yea, I gots to get my grown woman on... I thank you Sweeties .. I am the type that does hold a lot in. I am not sure as to why I do these things.. I am hurting. I just try to hold it in.. I am suppose to be the strong person. Today my friend V said something to me.. I tell you.. She was on it.. LOL Gotta love her.

"I would Love for you to put it into play ... I don't like da fact that you're sittin' round mopin' ova someone that could care less.
You have to let go sweetie ... that's what you're havin' a problem doing. You're in Love and want it to work so you're trying to hold on ... but you can't, it's not healthy for you. You have to find a way to let go. & yes I know it's easier said than done ... but look at yourself, really take a good look at yourself ... is this the person you want to become? Or do you want to be the person you once was, yet wiser?
You realize that when you speak things, your speaking the energy and presense of that into existence. I really would like to see you think more positively of yourself ... you think so positively of others but fail to see the same positivity in yourself. We all make mistakes ...  I too have not felt the amount of Love that I give but if you believe in Love like you say, you also know that it has to find you. So don't get down about the experiences and choices that you have had. E'ry thing we go thru is for a reason and you MUST learn from e'ry experience you have. Each trial is a lesson. Take the time to receive that lesson and move on wiser. We're only human & shit happens. We as a people and gender are the hardest on ourselves. Sweetie I know you've talked to others thru their trials ... think about things you've said to them. I know you can do this ... YOU have the power to do this. Remember YOU have to believe in YOU before anyone else will.falling in love w/ folks isn't the problem ... it's realizing that it's not forever, I've been thru it too sweetie. "

It was nothing that I never heard already. From what she says and what the others that I have talked to about my situation... That is what a friend does.. Someone who tries to pick you up when you are down. I am glad that they all care about me. Maybe soon this all to shall pass.. I tell you one thing.. I am ready to go back to work and get my money right again.. I think the rest of this year.. I am going to get me back. I miss Shopping... I miss going out for drinks with my associates.. I miss being being happy with myself. 

Deep down I knew this past relationship wasn't going to work. I was warned.. I saw the signs.. Plus it happened so fast.. So I believe I fell for it because I felt I needed it.. See I don't like being Single. I never had.. So now I refused to be anything else. I am embracing this as I GOT TO GET ME IN ORDER.. This is a mission..  

There is no need for me to keep focusing on what I lost.. She isn't worried anyway.. Right now she is with someone having a party this weekend. All she keeps denying the whole thing. I know.. I believe she knows I know.. It is just her way to keep me in her life and let her keep living her life.. Then look at me.. Wanting her to look and see all the things she has done to me. It is my wishful thinking...  A person won't value you when they can't value themselves and vice versa.. 

So I am going to have me a Exhaling session.. My Friday night is Dateline and America's Most Wanted.. Tonight I am going to add extras.. I making me some chicken and some drinks... 

Happy Weekend Loves!!!!!!

Yesterday I was feeling some kind of way.. I am not quite sure what went all over me.. I became frustrated with things once again. I was wondering why I keep putting myself in situations that I know will affect me later.

  I don’t like being alone. I really don’t.. (Well not alone in that sense)…  So I always linger on to people I need to let out of my life.  I try holding them as friends. Some I hold on to just in case the next person doesn’t work…  Ex-boyfriends, Ex-girlfriends, associates, friends etc… etc…

This is not going to help me seek the relationship I want.. I say I forgive these people who have done things to me. Do, I? Cause the more I think about it. It still bothers me. I still feel that once they done those things, they still doing it. I don’t think I get over it, at all.

So I am finding time to find ways to clear things up.. I disappointed myself. I let myself down… I refused to let it get the best of me anymore. I feel the need to get back to me. I was doing just fine until this last ex…  Once being with her, I realized that I was missing the need of companionship. So that brought all kinds of emotions again.  So here I am picking up pieces of my face…

I don’t know why LOVE always does this to me.  I have truly been in love 3 times in my life.  After those relationships FAIL.. I become so depressed and feeling worthless, I just don’t know why.  I hate to fail at something.  I also question myself to why they never worked..

I had a very good talk with God…  I feel that if I keep myself on track and focus on what is important. I will be ok… My path is leading me to the right destination… It is going to end a peaceful place.  I am going with the flow….

                                                                      graphic from "Mediaatvictory.com



I am starting to get tired of being Misunderstood.  I don't get why people think I suppose to act one way... I don't get why people refuse to listen to my side of things.  Some feel like I complain a lot. Also think that I need to just suck it up and get over it. In some cases that could be true. I have a right to feel though...

As you all know I lost 3 people that I was close to right when I started dating my former SOS. The people I went to have a good time with. The people that I went to when I needed a friend to talk to.. The people who kept me company when I was down and depressed... I NO LONGER HAVE THOSE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.

Since I've been out of work due to my surgery. I been to myself. I can't hang out.. Even if I did, who would I hang with. I have been getting a little depressed again. I have too much time to myself. So when I have that time, I THINK A LOT.. Me and thinking don't get along.

So today while talking to my Former SOS.. I became kinda PISSED... I wasn't mad, but I wasn't to happy. We were talking about how I have been acting lately. Yea, I haven't been in the best of moods.. It has nothing to do with the reasons she feel is the problem. She thinks I need to get out meet people and start back doing the things I did before I met her. (she fail to realize) I can't do those things at this moment and time. I am still in recovery. I am still broke.. I no longer have local friends.  As of late she has been dishing that out.. Well DUH!! You are part of the freaking reason..

I can make up and try to reconcile my friendships.. Why though? It was some hateful, rude, and embarrassing things that were done and said. How can I get that friendship back? What if I decided to get involved again in another relationship? They might start tripping again... I don't need that...

What I need for them to know... I have every right to feel the way I feel... You think you know me... Seriously you don't....

Hello Readers.....

I know I have been MIA...  I am ok and I am keeping my head above water... So much has happened since my last post. I sometimes feel that if shyt happens it happens to me and me only.
 I am still coping with my issues.. I am still single...  Which might just remain until the day I die.  I don't have no more love left in me.. I still believe in love... I am just not able to give it.. I realize that my emotions is not capable of dealing with another heartbreak..

Which is odd right now.. The one person who has been here for me, is the one who has broken my heart.. I had surgery back in May on my back...So physically and financially has been really hard.. She has made sure I have everything I need. She calls me everyday to check up on me. Also coming by almost everyday just to sit and talk to me. She knows at this point I have no one around me, besides my mother.. So she tries to give my mother a break.. So I really don't know how I feel about this. We aren't going to get back together... I choose that is not an option for us. I am grateful for her being here.. Really I think she should be. It's cause of my relationship with her left me alone with no friends...

My other issue is with my Insurance company... SMDH!! I pay these people faithfully every week.. It's been so hard for them to hurry up and get my short term disability started... Bills are piling high.. I have called and emailed for the longest.. All I get is we working on it.. I go back to work in July.. I feel like they are giving me the run around until I go back to work. I am about tired of the run around....

The lastly... My new word is NO... I am always the person that people run to when they need something done or want something from me.. I used to be so giving and willing to help everyone out.. Well I am TIED.. I am at my lowest right now.. I noticed that none of those people I break my neck for has even picked up the phone... None of those people have came by to see me.. None of those people even offered just to check up on me.. Well once I get back on my feet.. My word is NO and Fuck You..... I can't be a people pleaser anymore.. I am riding on SOLO and #ICANT no longer.. It doesn't mean I don't love ya... I just can't help ya,......


I am sorry for the long wait.. Maybe sometime soon I will be back on the up and up.... right now Life is boring and I am healing...