Saturday, August 28, 2010

Wondering what's going on....


Yall just don't even know the things that are running through my head right now. I am at a stand still with my thoughts. I try to think back to the particular day and I can't get a grip on it.

It was about 14 years ago and 3 miscarriages later. That I had 2 doctors tell me I can not have children. If  I do have kids, my body will not let me carry a child to full term. Well that has haunted me for years. I always thought I will not be able to have kids what so ever.

The when I was with MC we used protection for the first few years. I even got on the shot to make sure I wouldn't be able to even get pregnant. I don't trust doctors all that well and maybe they needed so type of excuse to just why I kept loosing children.

Well right now. I feel like living crap. SERIOUSLY.. I don't know why I am late. I am thinking that it is stress. Although being broke right now is killing me. I am not stressed over it.  I am also thinking, maybe I am going through the change of life. My mother went through it in her early 30's. In October I will be turning 35.. So I don't think that I need to be going through anything like this right now.

I am LATE.. I am going on a MONTH LATE. I been so tired. I have been so constipated. I even feel bloated.. I don't normally feel this bad when my period is getting ready to start. I just cramp. Well man, I hate this feeling of not knowing. I said I would buy a test if it doesn't come on within this week.  Me and my best friend always have our cycle down pat.. Mine always come on a week before hers. So when hers come on mines is going off.. Well hers has already went off and I still don't see blood...

My crush would be devastated if this happens. I will feel bad for him. It is just because we did use protection. We did see the mishap..  He knows about what I was told from those doctors. He does know that there is a chance of pregnancy it was just a 65 percent ratio.  It just not the time to have a baby with him or anyone else. He is just now getting back on his feet. I tell you hot passion will get you in trouble everytime.. LOL
 
For years my titled uterus and my suffering with endometriosis was the culprit. So if this is possible, I don't know what I am going to do. I am not upset.. I will not cry.. I am just wondering.. Could I finally be Pregnant?


"Update"

I was just starting a new cycle... :)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Obama.. If you want White People of America to like you.. Stop taking Vacations...

This is weeks and weeks of looking at Facebook Statuses.. The News media dragging this out of proportion. I don't think anyone PAID attention in Government Class back in Middle and High School. I think people don't understand what being a President even stands for in America today...

People are fussing about Michelle and President Obama taking these vacation... Is it me or isn't that what families do in the Summer? Well they think that the Obama's are spending all our American money to take these trips.. NOT!!!!!! Do you know that being the 1st family you get all kinds of PERKS.... These places that they go they go for FREE... That is how our Ancestors (well yours) set up the whole thing.
The President DOES NOT and I mean DOES NOT make the laws... He just has the right to ask, veto (and that aint always a sure thing)... If you have a problem the way things are run.,...  Fuss at your Local, State, and DC representatives.  They write the LAWS and they PASS the LAWS.. It starts in Congress People.. CONGRESS are the people you should have problem with..





I feel if the OBAMA'S even the Presidents of the past wanted to take a vacation.. Hell let them..  If you don't like the way this country is run.. Why didn't you run for President?  You can't tell NO one how to live their lives..  Plus aint it the FREAKING Weekend.. No Government Office is ran on the weekends.. When has the court house been open on a Saturday or Sunday?

Also Congress makes more money than the President.. They take just as many vacations as the Obama's.. Most of those Men up there spend the money that we give them on Strippers, their side chicks, and nice rides and homes.. At least when the Obama's take a vacation it is with their kids..

This man is stressed.. I wouldn't want to be this man..  He has to deal with this ridicule that people give him on a daily basis.. People don't like this or that about him. He shouldn't do this.. He is not American.. He needs to stop spending our money and work over time to make this country better...

Let me say this.. This is America.. We are the best.. I wouldn't want to live any where else but here..  Yet some people are just so impatient.. I don't care what anyone says.. This countries people are the most JUDGMENTAL people around..  We are so quick to put our two cents in without knowing all the facts and reasons...

Who says that while they are on Vacation they aren't still working...?

I'm off my soap box... Thank you...

I lived long enough to see 4 Presidents.. I was able to vote through 2 off them.. I don't argue about nothing they do.. I didn't even complain on Bush.. It isn't there job to be Bewitch or I dream of Jenine.. Nothing can be fixed over night, over years, or over decades..There are to many checks and balances in our government.. This is something that might not be fixed within the next 20 years..

I believe find something else to complain about.. Like why is it so freaking hot outside.. Why is it that all these people going around killing and molesting these children.. Why cops beat up on innocent people?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I like you...

I am back at it again.. I don't know what I can say. I sat down and talked to my crush. We still decided on just being friends, but I still am so crazy about him. It is so hard to explain. I learned over the last few weeks, that we have so much in common. When it comes to music, art, and even women. I was so shock at the things I've learned. Well not so shocked but he seems to be suck a quiet person. So to know these things, made me feel special.


He is a great listener.. I was feeling a little down after talking to my ex boyfriend the other day. See my ex reads to much into my FB Statuses.. So we kinda started arguing. So my crush was there to put a smile on my face and make me laugh. What I hate the most is I am so sexually attracted to my crush... I mean REALLY. After the 1st time I believed that I was hooked totally. Yet it seems that he rather talk that have sex. O I am not complaining one bit about it. It is a breath of fresh air. Most men wouldn't be like that.  Knowing me though, I love having sex. So it is hard for me to not bring it up around him.

Again I don't expect much from my crush. He is a nice guy, and so fun to be around. I hope that my aggressiveness doesn't run him away. Yea I am so direct and blunt to what I want. I had to catch myself just last night. I blurted out, When are we going to do it again? LOL  He just looked at me and smiled. Then I had to just bust out laughing.  The look he gave me was like, I wanna do it but I am scared of you.. It was hilarious.

All it all.. My crush makes me feel really good about myself.. My crush makes me happy... My crush is one hell of a guy.. With all his issues and what he is going through.. He makes me feel good all over..I really am not ready to let all of that go. I am really not ready to loose this feeling..  

I just don't get it... How could a Mother/Parent do this....

Another parent has taken the lives of her kids.. What is going on these days? I know children can be a handful but not to take a life of your children. This woman from Orangeburg, SC took the life of her young sons. It was said that she wanted to be free and got tired of her mother telling her how bad of a parent she was.. Is that a reason to take their lives? Absolutely NOT...

It sickens me  to see something like this happen.. I still say there are many ways that those children could have been taken cared of. Why is it that these people are having children and they end up doing this? I will never understand. Here is part of the story from WHNS...


The mother accused of suffocating her two young sons and trying to cover it up by staging an accident says she is remorseful and has been speaking with the family minister, her attorney said Wednesday.
"She's tearful, as anybody would be under these circumstances," defense attorney Carl B. Grant said after a brief hearing. "She's been very sad, very remorseful about all of this stuff, all of the allegations." Orangeburg County Sheriff Larry Williams has said 29-year-old Shaquan Duley expressed little remorse when she confessed Monday to killing her two young sons, ages 2 years and 18 months. Duley, who is unemployed, told authorities she smothered the boys after a fight with her own mother, who badgered her about her failures as a parent and inability to provide for her family financially. She first told investigators the boys drowned after her car plunged into a river early Monday morning. "She truly felt, 'If I don't have these toddlers, I can be free,'" Williams said. About 80 relatives, friends and curious onlookers attended Wednesday's hearing, Duley's first court appearance since she was charged with two counts of murder. Her family has largely kept silent about her arrest, but before the hearing, her sister said she think Williams' portrayal of events has been fair. "I don't feel that he's dragging my sister through the mud," she said outside the home she shared with her mother, sister, niece and nephews. "I actually feel that he's speaking fairly compassionately on her part." Adriane Duley said her family has been too overwhelmed by the media attention to do day-to-day tasks such as taking out the trash or getting the mail, let alone grieving and planning two funerals. "I've had enough," she said. "My family needs their privacy." Shaquan Duley's mother, Helen Duley, told a Columbia television station that her daughter is a loving person who became overwhelmed. "There is a deep hurt. This is a very dark time in our lives," Helen Duley told WLTX-TV in Columbia. "I'm asking people not to judge her for what's she's done but to understand that we all have problems and we never know when things might get out of hand. That's why it's important not to keep things bottled up in you, but to let somebody know and out of this tragedy, we feel like somebody will be blessed because if you have a problem, please seek help." A date for a bail hearing has not been set, and Grant said he would wait until then to lay out more details of his client's case. "There's more to be said, but this is not the place to say it," said Grant, who was retained by Duley's family Tuesday and had not yet reviewed her confession. "I know the world wants to know, 'What happened with Shaquan Duley?' That will come out." Duley lived with her sons, a 5-year-old daughter and her mother in a rented home in Orangeburg. Out of work and estranged from the children's father, she relied on her mother for support. But after the two argued Sunday night, Williams said, Duley left her daughter at the house and drove 2-year-old Devean C. Duley and 18-month-old Ja'van T. Duley to a motel several miles away. Late that night, in a corner room tucked at the back of the rundown, one-story complex, Duley suffocated the boys with her hands, Williams said. She then strapped them back into their car seats, drove to a boat ramp some 10 miles away and rolled the car into the slow-moving water, investigators said. Duley walked down a country road, flagging down a passing motorist to call the Highway Patrol at 6:15 a.m. Monday. A man on the tape of a 911 call released Wednesday tried to give an operator the car's location and information about the children. He can be heard asking someone else at the scene for specifics. Asked whether the driver is also trapped, the man responds, "No, she got out some kind of way." The children were still strapped in their child seats when divers found their bodies. The older boy had bruises that suggested he had been in a struggle, coroner Samuetta Marshall said. Renuka Patel, who owns the motel, said she came to Wednesday's hearing to get another look at the woman she checked in late Sunday night. Deputies have removed the evidence tape that sealed off Duley's corner room, but Patel said she views the place more as a tomb. "When we will see that room, we will just remember the children, how painful they must have been that night," she said. "How can she do that, to those children?" Funeral services for both boys will be Friday at St. Paul Baptist Church, officials with Simmons Funeral Home said. Dorothy Parker, a community organizer who saw Duley and her three children at a free school supplies event last week, said she has set up a fund where contributors can help with funeral expenses. "My heart goes out to them," said Parker, who has a child of her own. "This is just so sad.".

Associated Press writers Jack Jones and Page Ivey in Columbia, S.C., contributed to this report.


 I hope that one day this type of thing does not happen again. Children are wonderful. I don't care what anyone says.. I pray for this family... I hope that this mother suffers for what she did.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Black Women and Relationships.. Through my eyes,,,,

I was sitting here thinking just after me and Tessa got on the subject about being married.. Then I clicked on the article that Karen shared about Could the Black Church keeping Black women single... I just want to know what is the big deal now a days.. A woman can be happy being Single.. A Woman can make it without being married..

Why is America making a BIG freaking deal? They having articles and Radio show host talking about why there are so many Black Women being single.. Well from my point of view...

It is not the Black Church keeping us Black Women single.... It is the Black women are FED the F up.. I might have some people call me bitter.. I really don't care what you think of me... We have always been taught to be strong woman. Yet some of us believed a sorry ass man at some point...

I believe in love.. I have gave some of my best loving heart to 3 men in my life. I stood by them through it all.. Heck one went off married someone else. One still can't stay out of trouble.. The other one don't know what in the hell he wants... But all in all I was good to them..
I once was told that I was too good for him.. I was a wifey material, and he wasn't ready..

We all want to be loved. We all want that happy day.. Women we grewn up to think that is what our Adult life was to be like.. You know you get old, find a husband and have kids.. Heck to be really clear.. Back then in our grand parents days.. They only knew each other for a few months before getting married.. So I think the woman never had time to see that that man could be a trifling negro...
Oh.. let me take that back.. Not all men are trifling...
It is some women out there that is not so perfect either.. I must admit I am one of them..
Yet a man can get hurt once and then become just as bitter as us women.
A man sees how you carry yourself and from the 1st day of meeting you. He will judge you. From the 1st day he will set out to test you. You could either be the part time fling, the one time fling, or the life time fling. If he sees you as easy and gullible.. You should hang up any type of commitment from him. He aint gonna do it.. It is a proven fact...

This is what I believe the problem is... Men are afraid. If the man is still immature and still trying to go for his. He aint really feeling much of anything.. You can tell what type of man will respect you. A man that loves and adores his mother more than anything else. Will be a man that will respect and cherish a woman. Now sometimes you might find a sheep in wolves clothing though. You have to be careful. It isn't all the time though.

Then it is men out here that is trying to gain something. If a man doesn't have goals set out for himself. He will find a woman that can give him what he needs, until he can't get where he needs to be.. This becomes the sad thing now a days.. He will tell a woman all kind of crap just to make her fall in love and get what he wants. Then in the long run he gets tired and move on to the next one.

Black relationships are something that is hard to come by these days. Our relationships have been tainted since our ancestors was taking from Africa.. We were seperated. They made the black man feel less than what he was. Some still walk around with that mental. A man wants to be able to provide for a woman. When he feels less than a man, he will never commit..

So stop all this talk about why there are so many Black women single.. We are single cause why put up with the BS.. I know why I am single.. I loved a man so hard to I couldn't see straight.. I spent 6 years of my life with my world centered around his.. When he ended it.. I am loving myself.. I am enjoying myself... Sometimes we just got to take a break. When I am ready again, believe me this will be for life. I have no more time for fake and meaningless relationships...

So it is so many single Black Women out here, because some of us choose to be... A Man will never validate my worth.. A Man will not be the reason for my happiness.. A Man is never going to be the one to complete me.. I am in love with myself.. I know my worth.. I make my own self happy...
If he wants me to fully commit to him.. He better listen to Beyonnce.. You better put a ring on it.. LOL
ok.. I am now off the box.. LOL

What 's going on with em and me...?

Got this photo from: "http://thewarpedmind.blogspot.com/"
It seems that I am always going through something. I don't know how things happen, or even why things happen. I just know I have always stood my ground with each and every issue that comes my way.

I just wish that most of the people I deal with, would see things the way I see them. I sometimes feel like the only person with logic and reasons. I guess that we all feel like that in some ways.

I also wonder what does it take for a person to realize that someone doesn't mean them any good. How many times your heart has to be broken until you WAKE up and smell the coffee and the roses.? Those are questions that most of us ask.. What is really the deal breaker and the breaking point? I just witness some one I care about going through something. I don't understand why she is going through it. Hell I've always thought she was the strong one. I guess that we all become weak at some point. I will be there for her, but it is my time to keep my mouth shut.. I have nothing really to say anymore...

I am still out looking for  a part time job...  I am going to survive..  Not going to let this world and the people in it tear me down...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

This economy...

This is ridiculous. I have been looking for a part time 2nd job. See at my job I am only getting around 25 hours a week. This is crazy knowing that I am full time. The business is really slow right now and it is driving me nuts. I am really struggling to make it right now.

It seems like this time every year I get really mad about my financial situation. I am also going on my 4 year without getting a raise. I know that sucks and I feel like it is going to get worst. I am about to get my budget in order once again. I have to also let go off somethings once again. My cell will be cut off until I can get back on my feet. Due to this ordeal.. It is getting my spirits down.

I don't even want to a party on Saturday. They want all of us to bring something and I won't even have extra to bring. So I might be just chilling at home once again on the weekend. I don't want to borrow the money cause they will bring me further in debt.

So keep me all in your prayers that I don't flip out... I am sitting here thinking why am I even working.. So many people abuse the system and I just don't understand those of us who work so hard still get shytted upon.. 

Monday, August 2, 2010

Seeking out while weeding out...



I have been actively seeking out a mate. I am tired of sitting home lonely and bored. I want to date. I said this before and it didn't end up the way I wanted it too.  I have also weeded out those who refuse to just let me go. I am starting to wonder, if I am so special and you care so much. Why is it that you left me the first time?
I have a few from my past relationships that are still trying to contact me. Most of the time they get ignored.

I don't mind being single. It is just getting to the point that I wonder is it something about me.. I think that I am a very good catch. I am pretty much a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed. I am a terrific cook. I am very loving and understanding.  I work hard. I keep myself up. So what is the freaking problem?

I sit here and evaluate myself.  I truly don't see anything wrong at all. I asked some of the other people that knows me so well. They said, they don't see anything either. What is wrong with today's men? It seems that none of them are ready for relationships.. It is a few that are. The last two months I have saw a few friends and family get engaged or married. This Saturday I have a cousin that is getting married...

I can't just settle anymore. I have always done that. I never been one to just talk to someone because of them liking me. Although I have dated men that was borderline.  Meaning that men that I accepted their flaws. It was something about them that I was attracted to and liked. Then they turned out to be full of shyt. 

So now I am more on a looking for the right one. The person that will be all and more that I am looking for. I want an honest person. Someone is spiritually connected. The person who see the good and be thankful for it. Someone who sees the bad and is able to cope with it.  I want a person who knows what love means..

Everyone tells me my time will come. I will be 35 this year and I seriously see myself ending up like my mother. I am not saying that being my mother is bad. It is just she never gotten married. She is also to the point where she is set in her ways. She doesn't care if she gets married or has a boyfriend. She has gotten so used to being alone for so many years, to now she doesn't even want to be bother with it.


I am still trying to make sense of it all.. I am going to remain hopeful. Let's see where this is going to lead me...

I can't believe...

 It has been this long since I last posted here. Nothing really has changed but my mentality.. I truly believe that I've gotten wiser an...