Da Bug...

Over the weekend my mom was really sick.. I had to rush her to ER.. Found out she had a stomach virus.. I did everything in my will not to catch it myself.. Low and Behold my arse is now sick.. I haven't been able to eat since Monday after noon.. Mom is feeling a little better now, but yesterday I couldn't even get out the bed. In which I felt bad because I wasn't able to fully look after my mom. Today I managed to cook for her but trying to get her to eat is a chore too.

I don't like being sick, however when I am sick I tend to lose weight lol..
I hope that this clears up soon.. I've been bleaching and lysoling everything..
It must been going around I talked to a few people who said that they are suffering from it..

Be Careful of who you tell your problems to... #FamilyRunMouthatrateofSpeedingLight

I tell you... I feel that I can't do anything without someone always got something to say.. If not who they are going back to say it too..

A few months ago I stopped talking to my father. Mainly because he was being an ass.. He really has never done much for me and I was ok with that. My sister and brother has had more of a relationship with him than I ever had.  I am ok with that too.. You all know my mother is my beating heart.

With things being so tight and not able to have extra funds I had to let some of my bills go.. I am behind but I don't care because my mother is important to me. I don't have much of a life that I didn't have much of to begin with. Anyhoo... The light bill has been TOO DAMN HIGH the last couple of months.. So I went without my cell phone and I didn't get my medication..

Well my auntie knows about what is going on and she told my dad.. UGH!  I am totally in a head space to where I still am mad at him. He never called to see if I was ok from my last doctors appointment. That was back in June after he showed his arse on me. Plus I never wanted to say anything I would regret so I walked away from him and didn't say anything else. He calls told getting on my case about my medicine. I was being petty... I asked him why was it any of his concern and why is he questioning me. He has offered to pay for it and I am like I don't want anything from you. I truly don't.. He hurt my feelings very badly and I just don't know if I can deal with him.

My auntie is bad about telling stuff. I love her dearly and I know she might told him to make him pay for it. My aunts have a way of making my dad feel bad. (what I love most about them)... He listens to them and if he upsets me they show their arses on him.
As a child they did more for me than my dad ever did.. I was always with them...

At 40 I never thought I would still have to depend on my parents.. NEVER! However me being my mother caregiver, I wouldn't change nothing.. As I say, she is my heart beat. Hopefully by next month I will be back on track.. Especially with the power bill going down.. I know it is because of it being so hot...

Programs that suppose to help you...

The past couple of months our Electricity bill has been sky high.. It's because of the weather being so hawt.. However I been cutting back usage.. I don't dry clothes anymore.. I wash every two weeks.. I don't run lights half of the time.. Heck I been keeping the air on 78... 

I am still waiting on my mother case worker to get things in order so I can get paid to stay with her or get someone to be here while I go to work. It is taking forever it seems.. 

I called the local Share for the past 4 weeks about getting help I kept getting "We are not taking appointments".. So I also called some churches that offer help to and they are all out of funds too. 

I truly hate going through this. I for one don't like to ask for help.. I used to be the helper.. The people that I was helping as you know, I don't hear from them.. 

I'm not suffering or anything but with all this going on, I have to let things I like to go to the waist side. 

I also think these programs need to hire people friendly folks. These people have been so rude. I mean that is a esteem blaster.. I already feel depressed and upset about this change in lifestyle then to have people talk to me like I am useless and unworthy really has taken it's toll on me. I never would treat people that way and never have. A lot of folks like myself can't help the situations that they are in. They need people with compassion and a heart.
I got to the point where I felt that they just there collecting a paycheck and not wanting to help people. 

I think once I get back on my feet I am going to start up a program or some kind of support system for folks that takes care of their parents and can't get extra help from these government programs and other non profits.  

Dear The Love of my Life...

I'm proud of you.. The sacrifices you have made you are extraordinary..I love you.. It used to be a time that I would fight to love you.. It was people all around saying that they loved you but I could Never tell you.. Couldn't figure for the life of why people loved you... You wasn't no where beautiful or deemed perfect..  So many people would come in and out your life. I sat back and wondered how life would be if things were different.. Sometimes you are so cold.. You tend to hide your feelings.. You was just sometimes complicated...

Then more and more I spent alone time with you, I realized the love I have for you...  I love you.. Your height, figure, skin, eyes...  I love your strength, personality, and your loving heart..  It took me some time but I love and adore you Tracy...

The love letter to myself.... ❤

I am not what I'm going through...

I have time to really get my thoughts together.

I don't want folks to think I'm in this self potty mode.

I sometimes just overly emotional. I am ok and everything will be ok.. I have my faith to lead me.. 

Time on Earth is Precious...

Over the weekend I lost my childhood best friend. It took some time to process.. I knew the time was coming when the Doctors gave up on her. I really thought that she was going to get through this battle.. Cancer left once then it came back with a vengeance. She remained strong through out it all. I was amazed how strong. I know with me I would have gave up at the first signs.. Her saying, I never knew how strong I was until Strong was what I had to be.
Over the years with drifted a little.. She has children, got married, and move to another city.. We would talk and we still had love for one another.  She really didn't want me to really see her because of my ability to handle stuff like that.. I tell you I am a crier and  a nervous wreck when it comes to sickness.. I never really had to deal with stuff like that. I prayer daily for her daughters and the rest of the family. She was the glue and she ran the whole family.
I was asked to be a Flower girl. I agreed even though I am not a funeral person..

I sit back and look at my mother and how things just keep getting worse, I love my mom and I hate seeing her go through this. Sometimes I can't believe I am doing this all alone too. I am going to enjoy my mom while I have her here.. Time on Earth is so Precious and I can't waste another minute not celebrating...

Prayer goes out to the State of Louisiana..

When you are just TIED!

I have been through the ringer.. At least the way I feel.. In my Thoughts Audience.. I tell you I am at my end. I can't take people anymore.. See all my life I have been a person who always looked out for folks. I am a big hearted person.. I am a giver.. I am the one when you want something done, I did it for you.
I was the girl that was in school always looking to make sure my friends were ok and taken cared of.. I am the person when your life sucks, I am the one to cheer you up..
I am the one that you came to when you didn't have everything that you needed..

Now.... I am tired.... I can no longer be that person. I am not emotionally, mentally, or financially able to be that person.. I think back on all the people that I feel used me, I was so naive... I believed people had the heart that I had. As I've gotten older, some people just SUCK..   I am not mad at those people because I allowed all that to go on.. So I only blame myself. Me being that loving and caring person can be a curse,especially these days.. We live in a selfish world...

Going through what I am going through right now.. I have to become a hard.. People aren't taking me serious when I say I CAN'T HELP YOU!  Since now that I have became the No person and I can't help person.. Where are these people? It's crazy man.. I don't expect anyone to help me or be around.. I just know, (in my J Low voice) Ain't it Funnay!

I am looking into some programs that will give a little relieve for me and my mom. I also plan on doing a little more writing and so forth. As you can tell I am posting a lot more of entries... LOL
Hopefully in due time I will get a life that is worth reading hehehe!!