I need some serious motivation...

I must admit that I have wasted a lot of my years... I wasted doing absolutely NOTHING.. What I mean by nothing, is something worth my wild.. I been working so hard the last 6 years... I really don't have nothing to show for it but, maybe my credit score.. lol
I wasted on men... I wasted it because of fear.. I wasted it because I no longer have motivation...
I believe a lot of it has been the stress I've been under.. I believe a lot of it where I am not getting much time alone.. I am always doing something for someone.. I am always paying bills, to where I don't have money to save up.
I really want to do something for me.. God willing, I want to save up enough to take a trip (alone)... I am still in the process of looking for another job, so that is motivation ( a little lol)....My dreams of my own business is still my main focus and I haven't given up.. It just seems that folks don't wanna pay for catering...  In this area anyway... Man, if I had the money to play the lottery and win... Then that's all the motivation I need..
The seasons are changing now too, I want to get back out.. I want to take walks, eat right, and get back on my healthy kick.. I think that would help my motivation.. I will have the energy..
I was talking to my friend guy on Sunday and he was telling me, I am no longer the Tracy he once knew. He said I was so much of a social, outgoing, fun person.. Now, he says I am complacent, moody, and drabby..  Damn, really? I think it is my age.. Things I used to do I don't do anymore.. It's not that my interest has changed.. My mindset has.. All of the friends I used to hang out with.. Married, Engaged, and kids..  I am the only one in my circle that has yet, to meet a man, worthy..
So yes, I no longer do the things I once did.. I don't think I am drabby (whatever that means).. hehehhee
Being with depression for the last 6 months, people really don't understand what it is to feel this way.. Yea, some say they are down, but a lot of folks don't know.. My diagnoses was my answers I needed.. I didn't understand why I kept feeling the way I did.. It wasn't anything going wrong in my life, I just feel like I had no motivation to even get out of bed sometimes. I didn't want to face people.. I didn't even wanna get up and put on clothes.. (even got to the point,  I didn't want to bathe).. Depression is something I don't wish on anyone. It puts your life at a stand still.
I can't  believe that I have wrote two blogs in two days.. I guess walking away from Facebook, has given me a peace of mind.. Now, hopefully motivation is next.. :)

I embrace it all..

Going through much of what I am dealt with.. I think my BIGGEST problem is trying to understand the WHY... I don't know if I am equipped for this. Years on Years of disappointments really draining my soul. I always have said if people really KNEW me. People would really understand why I feel the way I do. 

Just this week I had  2 people to tell me I am a negative person. I always think the worst in things. I don't see myself as a negative person because I always try to see the good side of things. It are those I trust and there are those I don't. Nothing really good has ever happened to me. Then the things that I thought was great, in the longer run it turned out to be not so great. You know after all the abuse mentally and physically that I have endured just takes me to a place of empty space. 

I am truly scared to get close to people . Then I keep running to the people that have hurt me because I am so uncomfortable to be around strangers. I don't like living in misery, I just don't want to put faith in people for them to show me that they are all in the same. It was one point I was in my HAPPY place and then It disappeared. WTF?

I truly do need to get lost in something. Something to take my time away from my thoughts. My mind is the very thing that is slowly killing me. Just the other day I was taking a walk and as I felt the air, listened to the birds, all I could do was cry. I mean cried so hard until I had to stop where I was and just look all kind of crazy. Cars passing me looking at me like I lost my dog or something. It was so bad when I got home I went to sleep and slept for about 3 hours before I got up to go to work.

I am on Vacation this week and I think there will be a lot more thoughts to come my way.. I just hope that they will soon become HAPPY thoughts.. Enjoy your weekend if I don't hear from you then..

It doesn't matter anymore...

Happy October Folks... I hope all is well for each and every one of you.  You know I normally give this big Hoopla about my Birthday every year.. Well this year I am keeping it low key and laid back.. I think I am the only one who has ever made a "BIG DEAL" about birthday's anyway. It seems no one around me really gives a rip about birthday's...

This years is the 1st year in a LONG TIME that I will not be doing anything..  Yes, I am kinda disappointed but you know... I am a big girl and I will get over it.. People tell me.. It's just another day.. So I guess I better get used to it.  It was a few things I wanted to do to celebrate. It looks like I will be doing alone. 

I have shut so many people out of my life.. I thought I did what was best for me. I had to remove myself from the negative folks in my life. Since I did that over a year ago.. I have found myself ALONE. Then those who I would allow in my life.. I am afraid to because of my trust issues. I believe no one around me would have my best interest at hand. 

It's so weird... This time last year, I was having the time of my life. I felt that everything was looking up in my favor.. I was also in love. I was extremely happy.. I am still Happy.. I might not be the jumping up and shinning happy.. I am more on the thankful happy.. I am happy to see another year alive... I thank God for that..  

So as I see another year.. I accept things and people that I can not change.. 

So I am accepting this lonely life I am leading.. I'm relying on God.. I have too.. I believe if I don't will truly go crazy.. 

So come Monday... I will be a 37 year old woman... Older and wiser... 

Mixed Emotions...

I just wished I could wake up every morning and just be so Happy..  Don't get me wrong.. I am in a very good mood.. I am happy that I finally feel at peace.. Its just some days I want to wake up to be happy...I want everything to be in order...  

I am having mixed emotions on different levels in my life.. 

 I don't want to get hurt again.. So I want to be single.. Then it is this feeling that I don't want to be alone.. I miss going out on dates.. I miss phone calls just to say hi.. I miss laying in bed with a body next to me.. I miss the hugs and kisses on the daily..  Yet, I got to take this time to get myself back together.. .
Then the desire of being in a relationship with women is just as bad as being in one with a man.. When things are good. The relationship is GREAT.. Then when there are a few obstacles it becomes BAD.. I just don't know.. Really just don't know...

Doctor bills are irking me.. So I am trying to catch all that up... I dont know where to start though... I have so many and I still trying to catch up the bills at home that piled up while I was away... I just want to HOLLA! I know that everything is going to be ok.. My Day is coming and I have to trust in the Lord that is and will be ok..

As far as other things.. It seems that the former S.O.S is coming out about all the stuff... I don't know why she waits until now to tell me. I don't know what to feel.. I do believe that she still loves me. We were just not meant to be.. Plus I believe she in love with both of us women. She just don't know which one she can't live without.. I told her I am the one that she can live without.. Mainly because I am not about to play the games with her.

I really want to get away from all of this... Then maybe I will be able to think clearly..

Free!!

Today I am Free

I am free to be me

I held on as long as long as I could

Today I let go, as I should

No more lies behind lies

No more looking in your face while you lied behind the smiles

You took my heart while it was up for grabs

I can’t believe it was the one thing would stab

I gave you everything I had to offer

I refuse to be the one who sits here and suffer

You go on with your with your life

Cause today I got to see the pictures of your wife

For that I no longer doubt myself

You go on and take care of yourself

I can walk with my head held high

I can take to the sky and Fly

Cause today I am Free

I am free to be me

©2012

Mahoganydymond ™

To thee be over..

You chase me…

You said yourself; you wanted to get to know me…

At first I didn’t want to start anything with you…

I saw you around, but I never knew of you..

You weren’t my type and It was so new.

After all the weeks of talking,

I started falling…

You promised that you would never hurt me, I was the one that made your life complete.

Cards, hugs, kisses, even date night were so special…

Came close to moving in with you, by that time I knew it was official.

I fell in love with you… Flaws and all….

We shared laughs, we shared cries.. We shared secrets and from my part they were never lies..

Months started passing…. I started to feel comfortable… I told most of my family about you..

I was happy I came out with you…

You started to change, things wasn’t the same..

It became too complacent… The things you used to do, you stopped doing…

You would do things with me not included. Going out of town on trips…

It was a time where we were inseparable. The loneliness I started feeling was unbearable.

My world came crashing down all in one month… You said, “ I don’t have time for this relationship”…

I couldn’t believe… How could this be true.. You said you Love me and you know I love you..

All the changes, all the sacrifices that were made just to make you happy.

You wanted us just to be friends no longer soul mates..

Now I stand here alone with nothing or no one. Missing out on doing things I used to do and facing the world.  I can’t get up enough energy and too embarrassed to face it.

You HURT me in ways you once said you wouldn’t..

I know that things aren’t promised to be forever.. I just can’t forget those words you said, WE WILL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER…

Yes, I fell in love with a false sense of a person.. You weren’t completely honest with me. I know this to be true..

I can say, although we aren’t together in the relationship sense of the word. You have been there for when I was sick and down.. Is it that you still care? I’ll never truly know..

I can’t keep going on this rollercoaster emotional ride. You already have another woman by your side.

You say it isn’t like that… I know it is.. It is a true fact…..

I would never be able to trust you again after all the pain you caused me. If that time comes again when you say you want me…

So now that we are friends, it seems you still have a hard time dealing with me. It’s like when I say things about me wanting another, you get so agitated.  When I bring up your relationship with the other, you get so defensive..

I no longer try to read you.. I no longer even care about the other.. I just hope that the way you did me, you won’t be that way with her..

I don’t hate you.. I am disappointed in you.. You broke my heart when that was the last thing you said you would do from the start.

I made a vow to forgive you.. I figured it out you wasn’t the right one for me. I need someone to understand, love, cherish, and inspire me…  I wasn’t right for you.. So as I close this and remember the times that we shared… The good, the bad, the ugly is not going to make me sad… It was an experience that I needed to go through… After all is said and done… Life goes on.. New memories need to be made.. You was a person I loved.. Now, where do we go from here?

Yesterday I was feeling some kind of way.. I am not quite sure what went all over me.. I became frustrated with things once again. I was wondering why I keep putting myself in situations that I know will affect me later.

  I don’t like being alone. I really don’t.. (Well not alone in that sense)…  So I always linger on to people I need to let out of my life.  I try holding them as friends. Some I hold on to just in case the next person doesn’t work…  Ex-boyfriends, Ex-girlfriends, associates, friends etc… etc…

This is not going to help me seek the relationship I want.. I say I forgive these people who have done things to me. Do, I? Cause the more I think about it. It still bothers me. I still feel that once they done those things, they still doing it. I don’t think I get over it, at all.

So I am finding time to find ways to clear things up.. I disappointed myself. I let myself down… I refused to let it get the best of me anymore. I feel the need to get back to me. I was doing just fine until this last ex…  Once being with her, I realized that I was missing the need of companionship. So that brought all kinds of emotions again.  So here I am picking up pieces of my face…

I don’t know why LOVE always does this to me.  I have truly been in love 3 times in my life.  After those relationships FAIL.. I become so depressed and feeling worthless, I just don’t know why.  I hate to fail at something.  I also question myself to why they never worked..

I had a very good talk with God…  I feel that if I keep myself on track and focus on what is important. I will be ok… My path is leading me to the right destination… It is going to end a peaceful place.  I am going with the flow….

Love is Challenging me..........

Wow.. How can I really put this all into words... I must have changed a lot... I guess I am becoming a better person... I never knew just how strong I really was until now... If you all have been one of my long time readers.. You know I don't do to well in relationships.. AT ALL!!!!!! 

When I love... I LOVE hard.. I become some what selfish... I want all the time and attention... I used to feel like they were up to something if they didn't call or want to spend all their free time with me.. Yea I am also a smothered lover... ( I am still like that in ways) I just have grown to know that the WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND ME....

In the last few weeks... Love has changed me...  It has also brought forth some challenges... 1st off.. I did loose my grandmother on the 29th of February... It was hard pill to swallow.. I am just glad she doesn't have to suffer anymore. She was having such a hard time.. She is now with God... So she is doing just fine now.. 

Once again it seems that me and my S.O.S haven't been spending much time together.. Work and some family matters has taken her time away from me. It hurts inside.  It makes me feel like not even my feeling matter..  (this is when my issues begin).. I am although being the supportive girlfriend.. I am putting aside my feelings and emotional baggage..  Why am I doing this?  It's cause I love her... It's funny.. It used to be a time I would have pitch a flying bytch...  I used to be so demanding in a relationship... *i guess that's why none of them lasted*  ... So this is a challenge for me.. More and More I am becoming a better person.. Not just for myself but for the person I am with.  I just hate these challenges are being tested so freaking close together.. hehehe.. 

I am also on vacation that what took the cake.. NOT ONE DAY did I get to do anything I wanted to do...  I just sat in the house..  I wrote in my journal.. I played my FB games. So yea this has been a relaxing vacation (just a tad)... I can't believe it but I truly miss work... LOL

Feelings.. whoa whoa whoa FEELINGS....

My emotions is all over the place right now.. I don't know if I should SCREAM or should I CRY... I  don't think today was a day for me.  

I had thought about staying in bed all day today. I want to get some rest and what not. I had got some news yesterday that another one of my family members has AIDS... So I was hurting about that. Just after seeing what Tim went through. I don't know if I am emotionally strong to go through it again.  I am going to try though. I know that once they decide to come back home. I am going to have to be strong for them.


Today was also my first time seeing MC in 2 years. He came down for a party for one of his homeboys.. So he called my mother and told her that he was going to come by to see me today.  I didn't know how I was going to feel or say if I ever saw him again.  I was also shocked to see him. The last vision of him in person was the day he left while I was in North Carolina for a meet and greet. The last words he said to me in person  was " I don't LOVE you the way you LOVE me".. Those words was stronger than any KNIFE...  Yea we are friends via Facebook.. Yet being face to face always have a different effect...  Deep down inside it made me feel happy to see him.. Why can't I let my feelings for him go.. Why do I still LOVE this man?  It felt good to have him hug me once again. It felt good to see his smile once again...

So yea my feelings are all over the place.. Once again I am lost.. All those things I try to put behind me, came back today...

Taking the time out for ME...

The last few weekends. I've been going out. I've been hanging with friends. I know in my current situation it is something that is good for me.  I am getting tired of laying my burdens on other folks. I am not in a happy state right now. So why spoil my friends fun. I don't like when people rain on my parade. So I don't want to be the one that does it to them.

I took yesterday off from work. I will not be back at work until Monday. So I am taking  this time to be by myself.   I don't know what state of mine I will be in once I come out this shell. I just know I need this time. I need to free up space in my mind. I have so much running through it right now.

I am also at the point to where.. I got to stop putting people before myself. It is my many issue right now. I am so tired of not being able to deal with my own problems because of everyone else.  All I want to say now is God, cover me.... Today he called to see how I was doing. Then when I refuse to talk to him. It seemed like he was trying to turn the blame on me.  I am like... Why would I talk to someone who is the reason of my depression?

It's weird that people don't truly understand one another. It is easy for some and hard for others. No one person is alike. Ok, you can get over love. You can move to the next one with no problem. Well for me.. It is not all that easy. Especially when your world revolved around them. So hey, give me time to get through it. I have to just work through my problems alone.

So this weekend, I am going to compile a list of what that can make me happy. I also going to make a list of what I will not tolerant next.