Bye Bye 2016

In all my life I think this has been the hardest year on record..
A lot of changes happened.. I learn who my real friends are. I also realized those who genuinely supports and respects me.

Seeing the changes in my mother have been heartbreaking.  I am glad that she has me though. Back in May I had to leave my job to be home with her. When I tell you when you are at the bottom most people that you have been a support to will leave you with no problems.  I guess you can say, They were never a friend to begin with.

This year I lost one of my best friends from childhood. She lost her life due to cancer... She fought long and hard for about 3 years with the disease. I truly miss seeing her smile.. My prayers are with her family especially her Daughters.. She was the glue to the family..

The celebrities death, man oh man... So many of them.. Prince was hard on me, I still upset about that... Then Rickey Harris, Boy George, and Maurice White, and so many others.. I think I counted around 50 of them that passed away this year. So sad...

2016 seem to have been a year of mourning, disappointments, and hardships for so many people.
So yes, I am ready to see this year go. I thought at 1st 2015 was bad... NOT it was a doozy  compared to this year.

I think the good thing that came out of this year was that I moved into a home that I can be proud of. A nice home, a beautiful home, and comfortable home.. Now paying the bills is another thing.. LOL


I hope each and every one of you have a Happy New and Prosperous New Year...

1 Love!!

Settled in....

I never thought that I would ever move out of my childhood home. So many memories...

Besides still going through it day by day.. I am finally settled in...  I think I am happy in this new place.. It is a step up from the old and so much space... I wanted and needed a bigger house and I finally got it.. It still is taking a little to get used to because I rarely in my bedroom like I once was.. (haven't had a lazy day in months)..

I am kinda scared of what my electric bill is going to look like. I'm barely making it as is.. I am hopeful though.. A way will be made some kind of way..

Mom is liking it. Her sleep patterns is so much better than it used to be. She occasionally wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom but as far as that, she is sleeping very well.

I pretty much have all my decorations in order.. My living room is Afrocentic and my Bathroom is too.. My bedroom is a little of Afro, Bohemian, and Glamour.. You can call it eclectic.. My kitchen is red and sunflowers... Mom's room is old country chic..

I hope to make this home a home that I can be comfortable in for a long time. So far it is..

Ready for a blessed and promising new year!!

In a different place in life..

I have moved.. A house that I lived in for all my life beside a few times I left and came back...
A house that my mom was in since 1963...

The last few years I was getting frustrated with the house that we were in. The neighborhood sucked as well.. It wasn't what it once was. I remember my childhood being such a peaceful loving place.

This past Tuesday was my first day in my new home and I can say.. I love it.. It is what I needed right now in my life.

At first I didn't know if my mom would be able to adjust to the move but she did... So far she is doing a little better with her memory and stuff.. I am glad plus she is sleeping so much better... Plus I have noticed her attachment to me. She follows me in every room... She also has noted that I sleep in the bed with her and watch tv... lol I love my moms and I know right now we have been in a struggle to stay a float but I wouldn't change anything.

I quit working to make sure my mom be in her best care. I am happy to do such..

As the month goes along I will be sure to update everyone..

Doing the Work...

I have been following the "Fix My Life: The Healing House"  I can say I see so much of myself in all these women. I been following along with the Deeper Dive that she has on YouTube as well. The exercises are helpful too.

As I look at these Brave women it gives me a sense of self. I used to think only me go through these things because everyone around me seem to live in this perfect head space.

There are a few  labels that I identify with totally.

Hurt
Anger
Unloved
Lost
Fear
Hopeless
Disappointed
Ashamed
Alone

Those labels resonate with me.. I can say I feel all of these labels and sometime I do act out because of having these feelings..
Those of you who have followed me over the years.. You see how my life is a roller coaster and not all ways peachy.. I have a lot of unresolved issues.
I've been a person who like CLOSURE and those that have affected my life never had the consideration to give me that.
So as I continue this process of healing myself and my heart I am going to try and let go off all this that makes me angry, bitter, confused, and hurt.

I know for one, I am really tired of feeling my feelings.. You know Black Women can't break and that causes us to be in a lot of unhealthy relationships as well as just health... I want and need to feel worthy and for me to get to that point.. I have to Do The Work.. I can no longer neglect myself to make others happy.. I can no longer be passive/aggressive..

I am going to try to always do what is right for me and just let others fend for themselves..
With me taking care of my mother and having no job and no income coming in, has taught me a lesson.. I am going to put in the work.. I have to... I can no longer deal with life the way that I have been dealing with it.

No Excuses..

I know I have been going through a lot lately...

Until i saw this photo, it got me to thinking... I have over the years moved mountains for others..

Some one I have cared for and been there for has claimed his love for me..
Over the years I've been dumb to think things would change and he would really be there..
At first things were good.. I saw much of him... Now since I'm in this situation.. I keep getting excuses.. Its like its too hot, i don't have air conditioning in my car..  I'm tired, you know I'm getting old.. I been working more shifts.. I had too many drinks.  Etc Etc Etc..

My whole thought is.. IT YOU LOVED ME, YOU WILL MAKE A WAY...
I'm not happy.. I been in this relationship again for 7 months now.. Silly of me to think this go round would change..

He tells me he has so much going on and he feels he don't know what to do.. He goes on to say Im hard to please.. STFU . Im not..

All i ask of him is to be there.. All i ask is to show me you really want to be a part of my life.. Yes, me taking care of my mother is a strain... I just need to feel someone cares for me.. So no.. I am not hard to please..

I don't know... I do know if you love someone there shouldn't be excuses..

Da Bug...

Over the weekend my mom was really sick.. I had to rush her to ER.. Found out she had a stomach virus.. I did everything in my will not to catch it myself.. Low and Behold my arse is now sick.. I haven't been able to eat since Monday after noon.. Mom is feeling a little better now, but yesterday I couldn't even get out the bed. In which I felt bad because I wasn't able to fully look after my mom. Today I managed to cook for her but trying to get her to eat is a chore too.

I don't like being sick, however when I am sick I tend to lose weight lol..
I hope that this clears up soon.. I've been bleaching and lysoling everything..
It must been going around I talked to a few people who said that they are suffering from it..

Be Careful of who you tell your problems to... #FamilyRunMouthatrateofSpeedingLight

I tell you... I feel that I can't do anything without someone always got something to say.. If not who they are going back to say it too..

A few months ago I stopped talking to my father. Mainly because he was being an ass.. He really has never done much for me and I was ok with that. My sister and brother has had more of a relationship with him than I ever had.  I am ok with that too.. You all know my mother is my beating heart.

With things being so tight and not able to have extra funds I had to let some of my bills go.. I am behind but I don't care because my mother is important to me. I don't have much of a life that I didn't have much of to begin with. Anyhoo... The light bill has been TOO DAMN HIGH the last couple of months.. So I went without my cell phone and I didn't get my medication..

Well my auntie knows about what is going on and she told my dad.. UGH!  I am totally in a head space to where I still am mad at him. He never called to see if I was ok from my last doctors appointment. That was back in June after he showed his arse on me. Plus I never wanted to say anything I would regret so I walked away from him and didn't say anything else. He calls told getting on my case about my medicine. I was being petty... I asked him why was it any of his concern and why is he questioning me. He has offered to pay for it and I am like I don't want anything from you. I truly don't.. He hurt my feelings very badly and I just don't know if I can deal with him.

My auntie is bad about telling stuff. I love her dearly and I know she might told him to make him pay for it. My aunts have a way of making my dad feel bad. (what I love most about them)... He listens to them and if he upsets me they show their arses on him.
As a child they did more for me than my dad ever did.. I was always with them...

At 40 I never thought I would still have to depend on my parents.. NEVER! However me being my mother caregiver, I wouldn't change nothing.. As I say, she is my heart beat. Hopefully by next month I will be back on track.. Especially with the power bill going down.. I know it is because of it being so hot...

Programs that suppose to help you...

The past couple of months our Electricity bill has been sky high.. It's because of the weather being so hawt.. However I been cutting back usage.. I don't dry clothes anymore.. I wash every two weeks.. I don't run lights half of the time.. Heck I been keeping the air on 78... 

I am still waiting on my mother case worker to get things in order so I can get paid to stay with her or get someone to be here while I go to work. It is taking forever it seems.. 

I called the local Share for the past 4 weeks about getting help I kept getting "We are not taking appointments".. So I also called some churches that offer help to and they are all out of funds too. 

I truly hate going through this. I for one don't like to ask for help.. I used to be the helper.. The people that I was helping as you know, I don't hear from them.. 

I'm not suffering or anything but with all this going on, I have to let things I like to go to the waist side. 

I also think these programs need to hire people friendly folks. These people have been so rude. I mean that is a esteem blaster.. I already feel depressed and upset about this change in lifestyle then to have people talk to me like I am useless and unworthy really has taken it's toll on me. I never would treat people that way and never have. A lot of folks like myself can't help the situations that they are in. They need people with compassion and a heart.
I got to the point where I felt that they just there collecting a paycheck and not wanting to help people. 

I think once I get back on my feet I am going to start up a program or some kind of support system for folks that takes care of their parents and can't get extra help from these government programs and other non profits.  

Dear The Love of my Life...

I'm proud of you.. The sacrifices you have made you are extraordinary..I love you.. It used to be a time that I would fight to love you.. It was people all around saying that they loved you but I could Never tell you.. Couldn't figure for the life of why people loved you... You wasn't no where beautiful or deemed perfect..  So many people would come in and out your life. I sat back and wondered how life would be if things were different.. Sometimes you are so cold.. You tend to hide your feelings.. You was just sometimes complicated...

Then more and more I spent alone time with you, I realized the love I have for you...  I love you.. Your height, figure, skin, eyes...  I love your strength, personality, and your loving heart..  It took me some time but I love and adore you Tracy...

The love letter to myself.... ❤

I am not what I'm going through...

I have time to really get my thoughts together.

I don't want folks to think I'm in this self potty mode.

I sometimes just overly emotional. I am ok and everything will be ok.. I have my faith to lead me.. 

Time on Earth is Precious...

Over the weekend I lost my childhood best friend. It took some time to process.. I knew the time was coming when the Doctors gave up on her. I really thought that she was going to get through this battle.. Cancer left once then it came back with a vengeance. She remained strong through out it all. I was amazed how strong. I know with me I would have gave up at the first signs.. Her saying, I never knew how strong I was until Strong was what I had to be.
Over the years with drifted a little.. She has children, got married, and move to another city.. We would talk and we still had love for one another.  She really didn't want me to really see her because of my ability to handle stuff like that.. I tell you I am a crier and  a nervous wreck when it comes to sickness.. I never really had to deal with stuff like that. I prayer daily for her daughters and the rest of the family. She was the glue and she ran the whole family.
I was asked to be a Flower girl. I agreed even though I am not a funeral person..

I sit back and look at my mother and how things just keep getting worse, I love my mom and I hate seeing her go through this. Sometimes I can't believe I am doing this all alone too. I am going to enjoy my mom while I have her here.. Time on Earth is so Precious and I can't waste another minute not celebrating...

Prayer goes out to the State of Louisiana..

When you are just TIED!

I have been through the ringer.. At least the way I feel.. In my Thoughts Audience.. I tell you I am at my end. I can't take people anymore.. See all my life I have been a person who always looked out for folks. I am a big hearted person.. I am a giver.. I am the one when you want something done, I did it for you.
I was the girl that was in school always looking to make sure my friends were ok and taken cared of.. I am the person when your life sucks, I am the one to cheer you up..
I am the one that you came to when you didn't have everything that you needed..

Now.... I am tired.... I can no longer be that person. I am not emotionally, mentally, or financially able to be that person.. I think back on all the people that I feel used me, I was so naive... I believed people had the heart that I had. As I've gotten older, some people just SUCK..   I am not mad at those people because I allowed all that to go on.. So I only blame myself. Me being that loving and caring person can be a curse,especially these days.. We live in a selfish world...

Going through what I am going through right now.. I have to become a hard.. People aren't taking me serious when I say I CAN'T HELP YOU!  Since now that I have became the No person and I can't help person.. Where are these people? It's crazy man.. I don't expect anyone to help me or be around.. I just know, (in my J Low voice) Ain't it Funnay!

I am looking into some programs that will give a little relieve for me and my mom. I also plan on doing a little more writing and so forth. As you can tell I am posting a lot more of entries... LOL
Hopefully in due time I will get a life that is worth reading hehehe!!

Bedrest, BullShyt, and Boredom...

I feel like I can Scream and everyone on this planet will be able to hear me. I tell you the last few days has BEEN HAYAL!

Where do I begin... Hmm let's get the BullSHYT out the way first... I feel like this, If someone that says they LOVE YOU and they see you are having a hard time right now and you reach out to them, they should be there.. Point Blank.. I am there for them, so why can't you be there for me.. (sorry arses).. Someone that I've been dating (yeah) since December... Known him for over 20 years but never saw him as potential but he is fun to be around..  Anyhoo, me being home taking care of my mom and not being able to work right now. I wanted to start trying to do businesses that I can do for home. So  I asked him would he be able to help me out. NOTE: He has a good paying job and he has 2 other roommates. He doesn't have a car payment nor do he has any kids to take care of... To make it clear the money his roommates gives him it pays all the bills.. (smh) Well for the past month he has been coming up with excuses.. Then I asked him again this passed week.. He comes out his mouth "GET YOUR ARSE A DAMN JOB"...  I don't know if the devil got in me or what... Let's just say I am no longer dating (again) lol.. I don't even know if he is my friend anymore. It got to the point I had to say Fuck You.. See about a month ago I had to do my father the same way.. It's crazy.. They see what I am going through on a daily basis but they insist to make me feel like I am not shyt.. That's my momma.. She has taken cared of me, sacrificed for me, and I owe her this.. See her health declining faster than I thought it would and I know how my mom is.. She isn't and doesn't want any stranger in this house with her.

I don't ask people to help me normally.. I have always been the giver and helper.. Heck, I used to help his crazy arse when he used to get into trouble and what not.. So you would think that he would be open and willing, since he goes on how I have always been the one.. They one he loves and always had... BullShyt!!


Bed-rest and Boredom goes right along with each other.. I've been having female issues for over a year now. I still waiting on the ok to have my hysterectomy..   Well I am not going into be details with all that because I know some of you already know.. LOL.. Well the doctor has put me on bedrest for a few days and I have to take it extremely easy and drink a lot of fluids.. #UGH I don't know how bedrest I am when I have to keep on pissing every minute..  I want my life back.. I want to be able to socialize and deal with folks.  Everyone now that used to be my clique married, getting married, in a relationship, got a few kids.. So I don't have hanging folks, plus I don't like going places alone.. (I know how am I going to meet people)... It's just how I am..
I do have something coming up next week.. I can't wait.. I get to get out the house for awhile.. LOL

2016 Elections...

Man oh Man... This is the 1st crazed Election I've lived through... I always hate this time of year just cause I live in a Republican city and state.. I've been a Democrat all my life.. Hey I am as liberal as they come.. LOL  Being a Free spirit and compassionate person,  who else would I be..

Been keeping up with the Conventions and HANDS DOWN the Democratic Convention has been the most energetic, positive, optimistic Convention.. I LOVE IT! Last week was just so comical and depressing.   I don't know who in their right mind would vote for Donald Trump... I don't know where this man head is at and I don't know where he is going with any of the REAL ISSUES.. I don't think he would be the best fit for this country... Not at ALL!

On Monday Night Michelle Obama speech had me cheering, tearing, and shouting.. She is so good with her words.. She is so beautiful and intelligent. I am proud to say she is our first lady... Last night President Obama BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN! His speech was amazing too.. I love it.. This is a proud moment in my life. I really am so sad that they are leaving..  I am voting for Hillary Clinton in hopes the momentum will still be on going.

I have always been fans of the Clinton's..Bill was one of the BEST in my Lifetime..
So come November I pray and hope that the country thinks the way I do. Allowing the best person fit for the job win... I am with HER! I think Hilary would be a great fit and she already know the ins and outs.. So she is really qualified for this job...

I had to debate and block, even delete some of my people on Facebook.. They are so Republican.. smh.. The mean things that they are saying, I don't have time for that.. I don't know these people heads are at.. They CRAZY..

Looking forward to November.. I am ready for the craziness to be OVER!

At Times

At times I wonder what would my life be like if I made different choices... Its now early Sunday morning and my mind is on over load... I want to go to sleep but Its so hard to do so...
I have pushed so many people away and I don't have many solid friendships.. To be honest I have only one and that's a family member.. In which she is about to get married and moved to another state.  My other close friend is locked up. She will be out early 2018.
So I lay here bored out my mind. I don't really have time (mentally) for a relationship because me being my moms caregiver. Plus I don't get out much anymore to meet people. Then when I do men tend to think I'm mean and unapproachable. I do sometimes give the stank look (habit)... 

As you all over the years that have read my blog I've been hurt by love so much, I just guard myself really tight now. I know exactly what I want now and instead of being patient and overlooking I'm blunt upfront. I know it might result in a lonely life but, Hey... What am I supposed to do?

America The not so Beautiful...

I tell you this past week has really been draining and just so uneasy... I hate the events that has happened.. I know last week I talked about Mr. Sterling.. Then right after that Mr. Castile lift ended in the hands of a Police Officer.. Then the killing of 5 officers in Dallas.. I tell you Friends that I grew up with really showed me their true colors.. I am glad that they did.. It gave me a sense of ease.

This world really need peace... It is going to take time and I don't see it in my lifetime..
This is something I wrote on my status on Facebook...

"Hey Faces... I can't say this is a good morning because I woke up PISSED... I have slept on and I've prayed on this.. I might lose some friends, I might lose some family members.. I'm just TIED! I changed my ways of thinking about 20 years ago. I did it for my way of life and not anyone elses.

Everyone wants us to sing Kum Ba Ya and hold hands and be subdued... I get it. I want to live in the world where I can live peacefully .. I don't want to be judged because I wear my African Garb and my keep my head in a turban... I am what you can Black as a person can get... My way of thinking, my way of life, and the way I dress. I can love all people and give them respect but because of the way I look and act some might look at me as a threat...

It seems like I have to say this over and over and over....

You don't know how it feels to be Black and in America if you aren't.. You just DON'T.. White Privileges is real... Back when I was working and I was good at my job and it was time for me to be promoted a manager asked another one "Do you trust her with this job?" "The regional manager at the time sent a email out to the company stating "Do you want someone like that Leading a Store"... Yea, I know all the things that were said about me... I am a Black chick with dreads... I am a threat (they think).. I went own to show them I am more than qualified to do my job and done it well at that... Weekly was getting emails about how well my office ran... I also got emails on how my customers loved and enjoyed me.. My name was mentioned all the time.. So am I really a threat?

This is not the 1st time this has happened in America... Those men was MURDERED... Then for SOME of YOU want to tarnish those Men name is RIDICULOUS! It's always they don't want to believe that it is some bad cops out here.. It is... No man deserves to be shot down that wasn't given no threat.. Alton Sterling WASN'T A CHILD MOLESTER he was 17 went the female was 15.. They both were kids.. So for SOME OF YOU TO SAY another child molester dead is a good thing... You just don't know how strong my side eye was...Him being behind on his child support.. Damn it man, he sold CD's... At least he was freaking trying... Hell, I sell cd's 3 to 5 dollars aint shyt....You all are being FUCKING judgmental... No one deserves to be murdered but SOME OF YOU want to justify this shyt.. CRAZY! I have lost all respect, just know that.. I will never be rude.. I will never say anything out the way.. Just know I have lost all respect...

When things like this happen WHITE GUILT gets all up in uproar... They think the NIGGERS about to show out.. Nah, man... We were raised on the teachings of MLK.. We are not crazy folks... Yea it's some dumb arses but that's in any race...
Bringing up black on black crime... "we kill where we live"... The media only show Black on Black crime because it gets ratings and because it is another way to paint a dark picture on our race.. Whites are perfect, Blacks are evil...? Remember it's always been this way in the media.. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP! Don't act like it doesn't exist... It does and we see this.. We see we aren't respected and we aren't valued... So this is why I always show images of black people.. I always so when we do good things in the world.... I sometimes feel I stand alone but damn it man... WE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME! Get that in your head and you will understand how we feel..

Now, it's sad what happened in Dallas.. Again no one needs to lose their life. I hate it happened and I want this world to heal. I want Dallas to heal.. This being a national crisis though? It was a separate isolated indecent.. Cops killing unarmed or non threatening Black Men and Women been a national crisis in the last 6 years...(Don't want to admit that) Police Brutality been a national crisis since hell before I was born...(you wouldn't know if you aren't black or brown)..

I say 1 <3 span=""> Love at most of my statuses because I want that one love... I want to live together in peace and happiness,,, I have no hate in my body.. STOP THE JUDGMENTS.."

I swear everytime things like this happens you see people ugly faces... No we aren't going to live in a perfect world, I just wish it was a nice one...

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Another Black Man Killed... Is it or will it EVER End... #AltonSterling

I woke up this morning with the news and saw the video... 

May this Husband and Father rest in peace...

#AltonSterling

My prayers are with his family and friends.

I don't normally write about this.. I just make a Facebook or Twitter Status.. 

From what I have heard that Mr. Sterling had permission to sell cd's in front of the store. 

One of his family members also stated that he said the Police have been harassing him all day yesterday or for some time now.. 

I am watching CNN to hear his family speak.

Stuff like this hurts me to my soul. This happens so much and not always does it get video or media coverage...

This very thing seems like it happens every summer... 

I pray for peace and understanding in all this.

CNN interviewed his Aunt and she said beside of a small incident her nephew didn't carry a gun nor was he a violent person.. She called him a Gentle Giant..

May God keep his family covered with love, strength, and peace..

#BlackLivesMatter

#AltonSterling

#StopKillingUs 

My Randoms...

It's been HAWT! I mean really... Here in South Carolina it has been one HAWT summer so far.. It normally doesn't get real hot until Late July or August... Shyt!! It's been HAWT since May.. The light bill this month JESUS is going to be high... I don't know what to do.

It's been so HAWT I haven't wanted to get out the house at all.. I haven't went hardly anywhere.. I don't know I might become crazy sitting here in the house with my mom... She is doing fairly well since I have been here.. I had to let my job go to take care of her.. I am doing it for her, but this chick hates being BROKE.. It will be ok though..

Yesterday, the family got together to grill.. It was nice.. As I said, I like when family gets together.. I just don't like the clean up.. lol It's been a struggle for us all the last few months.. We are trying to make as many memories we possibly can.. My mom memory is fading and she is resorting to the past and I wan't her to see family..

I just came by to let you all know that I am well and everything is going well..  If anyone still reads blogs.. hehehe!!

The Weekend..

I tell you my hood always wanna turn up on the weekend.. If my mom would just like to move, then I would be happy... She has been here since 1963 and she doesn't wanna go anywhere.. People I grew up with are gone.. People I grew up with now live in other places. My mom, doesn't wanna go anywhere.. So at her age, I just want her to remain at peace... So I don't push it.. I just let her be happy..

I watched a fight go from the bottom of the street to top of the street... The Police interviewing people they were here for about an hour.. Then after that they patrolled the neighborhood all night long.  Then ended up pulling one of my neighbors over in the morning..

Sunday was suppose to me my lazy day.. HaHaHa! I ended up going to this Hip Hop Workout in the park.. I am feeling  the PAIN this morning.. See I was thinking it was just Dancing (Zumba)... I thought wrong... It was an eXtreme workout.. It was fun though... My legs are KILLING me this am...

It is a new week.. I hope to get myself together and finish getting this house in order.. I really wanna LIFE! I guess once I get my budget plan together.. I will start going out more.. Since I am a sit a home person now.. This is my first month and I am seeing how everything is going to work out..

It isn't even Summer yet... Just a rundown on what's been going on..

I tell you I love the South... I just HATE Summers here.. Oh man, it isn't even summer yet, and the humidity is OMG horrible.. It is so HOT! I think I won't be able to be outside much this year.. It seems that I have been having trouble breathing when it is really hot.. As a child I would have nose bleed, now it is breathing..

I left my job (again)... After working there for years and then going back.. I wasn't happy.. I worried more about my mother the whole time I was working. My mom health isn't at it's best and plus she has been doing some WEIRD things that have me worried.. So I let it go and I just have to make more sacrifices in my life. I will not have a steady income coming in but I will try to make money the best way that I can, My mother is more important than anything...

My love life is no longer either.. I am tired of the game people play.. One week they seem they are all into you the next week not some much, then to come back another week and repeat.. Then one I rather not even be bother with him and his issues... I don't know why some from your past always wanna come back when you are so OVER them, then with a bunch of baggage.. I am set in my ways.. I like to go out on dates, but that is even an issue.. Seems like people don't really date anymore either. What's up with that? People are just being lazy... Plain LAZY!!

Hopefully this summer will not get the best of me.. I have a wedding that I am catering and then a family reunion that I am organizing. So once I get my  name out there, I will be able to do more.  I am excited!

I need some serious motivation...

I must admit that I have wasted a lot of my years... I wasted doing absolutely NOTHING.. What I mean by nothing, is something worth my wild.. I been working so hard the last 6 years... I really don't have nothing to show for it but, maybe my credit score.. lol
I wasted on men... I wasted it because of fear.. I wasted it because I no longer have motivation...
I believe a lot of it has been the stress I've been under.. I believe a lot of it where I am not getting much time alone.. I am always doing something for someone.. I am always paying bills, to where I don't have money to save up.
I really want to do something for me.. God willing, I want to save up enough to take a trip (alone)... I am still in the process of looking for another job, so that is motivation ( a little lol)....My dreams of my own business is still my main focus and I haven't given up.. It just seems that folks don't wanna pay for catering...  In this area anyway... Man, if I had the money to play the lottery and win... Then that's all the motivation I need..
The seasons are changing now too, I want to get back out.. I want to take walks, eat right, and get back on my healthy kick.. I think that would help my motivation.. I will have the energy..
I was talking to my friend guy on Sunday and he was telling me, I am no longer the Tracy he once knew. He said I was so much of a social, outgoing, fun person.. Now, he says I am complacent, moody, and drabby..  Damn, really? I think it is my age.. Things I used to do I don't do anymore.. It's not that my interest has changed.. My mindset has.. All of the friends I used to hang out with.. Married, Engaged, and kids..  I am the only one in my circle that has yet, to meet a man, worthy..
So yes, I no longer do the things I once did.. I don't think I am drabby (whatever that means).. hehehhee
Being with depression for the last 6 months, people really don't understand what it is to feel this way.. Yea, some say they are down, but a lot of folks don't know.. My diagnoses was my answers I needed.. I didn't understand why I kept feeling the way I did.. It wasn't anything going wrong in my life, I just feel like I had no motivation to even get out of bed sometimes. I didn't want to face people.. I didn't even wanna get up and put on clothes.. (even got to the point,  I didn't want to bathe).. Depression is something I don't wish on anyone. It puts your life at a stand still.
I can't  believe that I have wrote two blogs in two days.. I guess walking away from Facebook, has given me a peace of mind.. Now, hopefully motivation is next.. :)

La La La Blah Blah Blah

I tell you my boring life has came to be somewhat chaotic. I have broken free from most of my Social Media sites.. I had to walk away from Facebook for awhile. People and their issues or negativity was getting the best of my spirits.. I couldn't function I noticed that too much of my day was consisted of what to post, what others post, and telling too much of my personal business... lol

I remember that at one point, I wanted to be an internet sensation.. Now, I rather lay low.. I don't know, but for me the internet isn't what it used to be. It was fun to connect with others and all, now I see more people I already knew to begin with... I have also gotten tired of dealing with those who have some type of hatred toward me, yet remains my friend.. smh

Me and the Bestest is on speaking terms.. Yea, I know.. Im not going to read into it too much... I think he is going through something and needs a friend to listen. I haven't been mean to him but I am not falling for that trap again..

I think a lot of him coming back around is that he has noticed that I am seeing someone now. I am in the I am not ready for the relationship..  I just want someone to hang out with.. Someone to laugh with... Nothing more than that.. I am being really clear with people upfront now.. I am just tired of this dating and getting to know people then later find out.. THEY LIED...

I am still doing a little bit of writing and I am excited the way things are turning out.. You just don't know how long this has taken me to write these stories and feel very comfortable about it.. Maybe one day, I will become a writer, and get paid for it.. ..  I hope so anyway.. I really am not a fan of my job that I am doing now. Still hoping, working, and prepping for my own...

Is it me..

I have been talking to one of my past loves... We normally talk at least once a month, to see how each other been doing... Lately it's been almost everyday..
No, I'm not falling for him.. We are friends and sometimes I think he is the only one that I can confided in.. He is unlike my bestest... Me and him been through hayal and back.. So he understands me.. A lot of our 1st were done together.. I have a lot of love for him. 

This the thing, he told me he has always loved me... He still loves me and he never wants to hurt me.. So me, think its too late for him to tell me.   I know that he has cared for man, over 20 years.. If not we wouldn't still kept in contact with each other..

Plus 5 years back he got married, so I backed away.. I was hurt a little but I said as long as he is happy, then I'm happy.. I didn't get in between him and his wife... I let them be.. Well 2 years ago his wife left him, and he was so devastated.. I was the shoulder he cried on.. I hate seeing him like that, but as a friend I was there... He is still hurt by his wife leaving him and it hurts me too.. I know he has a lot of flaws and issues... I understand why his wife left.. With all he is going through he is still a good person.. Its going to take a really strong woman to deal with him. 

I don't know but I think it's me.. Everyone always look to me to bare their emotions on.. I guess I'm a comforter... Who knows!!

In my thoughts: When Blogging was the IT thing...

I remember about hmmm, 10 years ago.. Blogging was it.. I had several websites and my own that I would just pick a topic and blog on.. It was the it thing.. You had something that was on your chest, and you blog it.. Now, it seems like just a fad that is passing away..
Yahoo 360, was so fun.. I had all kind of things I would blog about.. I truly hate that they took it away.. Those we the good old days... I used Typepad, I did Greymatter the whole nine.. It was so much fun..
We couldn't wait to see what I friend's post and what not. I met a few good people in my Blogging days.. I think they have been better friends than the ones I just run across on day to day basis.. I swear sometimes I miss this and then sometimes, I don't even feel like typing.. I always got excited when I was requested to do the blog challenges.. If gave me an idea on what to write. Now at times I get to the point to think of what.. I know this is my personal blog and I tend to talk about what goes on in my humdrum life. I know some of you all are like, really.. LOL
I said I was going to try my best this year to do better, I tend to say that every year... So I can only try.. I think the downfall to blogging is Facebook and Twitter.. You really don't have to write paragraphs anymore to express your thoughts and feelings.. You can just sum it up in a few sentences and that will be the end of it..

Welcome 2016..

It is a New Year.... I am thankful to see another year.. Another year to get it right.. I lost so much in 2015.. I am happy for this New Year.. I've started my frugal living too.. I want to be able to save money.. I trying to get back on the financial track. I trying my best to catch up my bills and what not. So maybe soon I will be able to be free from this debt. I was almost on to the good credit until life happened.. :(

My goals for the new year are:

Spend no more than 50 dollars is groceries a week..
Save at least 20 dollars a week..
Pay my bills on time...
Find another part time job...
Continue to live in peace...

I know it seems minimum  but hey... I live for the simple life..
I wish you all well in the new year!!!1 <3 br="">