GOODBYE MARCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This just wasn't the month for me... I am so lost... I don't really know how to get my happy back... I'm trying.. Lord knows I am trying my DAMN-EST to get it back... There has been NO LUCK for me.. I keep getting hit in the head... I surely don't know where to turn... So I came here to write out my frustrations... I tend to do that.. 

It started off my Grandmother dying... Which it was during the time of my vacation... So just say my mourning took   place while I  was on vacation.. Enjoyed my time off but I miss my grandmother... I still haven't got over that... 

Then the one person I finally felt I could connect with start having trouble.. So we ended the relationship that I lost everything to have... I am still not over it... It seems not to even phase her.. She has been coming around but it isn't the same. I can't even talk about my feelings. I think that is the part that hurts the most. She goes to say.. My family comes 1st... So yea.. Can't argue with that...

Then this week I took ill.. So I been sick all week.. I haven't felt good in awhile but had so much going on.. I ignored it and try to play that I was ok... Well it caught up with me... I am doing better but not my best...

Then just yesterday I got a call from my Aunt.. My uncle died... He died a month later after my grandmother (his sister)... I can't take much more of this..

I spent most of my day crying...  I want my LIFE back... I just don't know how to go about picking up the pieces... 

I'm Cool with it!!

At first I didn't think I could handle everything going on... It was this time last week, I asked the question (via text) to my SOS about our relationship... I my mouth dropped open when I saw the words... "With everything going on with my family, I have no time for this relationship anymore..."  I was hurt at first.. I went into my SELFISH mode... How dare she do this to me? I have sacrificed everything to be with her..  

I know the last few months things were changing, because she had so much on her plate... I respected that.. On days that I was mad at her.. I didn't say anything cause, we all go through the motions... 

So for about a week, I wasn't getting much of an understanding... Just couldn't figure out... 

So today, I had my talk with her.. I let her know how I felt... She finally told me the real reason behind it all.. 

So now I am good... I am moving past this.. I am good with this... I will be OKAY!! I still love her.. Since this breakup wasn't on cheating and lying... I think I can be friends with her...

I can't get back anything I've lost.. But I still have my sanity... That all that matters.. LOL

I am thankful for the experience...

Don't know how to feel!!

Man I tell you.. I just keep getting bombarded... Sometimes I don't think I am just cut out for this... The more I try to move forward in life and LIVE to be happy... A DAMN brick hits me in the face!! I am starting to think I have a freaking OMEN. 

As you all know, I go through depression from time to time.. Some days I think it is because I over think things. Then other days just cause I don't like the way things are.  I want the happiness I had a few months ago.. When I just was so HAPPY.. I finally thought the depression was going to go away.. I need to really go back to therapy.. Things are becoming TOO MUCH for me. 

I am now taking the backseat in my relationship.. I love SOS dearly.. It a BRICK that is being thrown.. You know that wall that comes around in a new relationship... I promised that I wouldn't give up just yet.. I think my emotional state and my need for attention is causing friction.. Her dealing with family issues is keeping her away from me. So she is not able to give me the time and attention I once had.. I HATE IT WITH A PASSION.. I am trying to be strong and understand... (seriously)  I know that her mother and daughter are IMPORTANT...  Why did it have to happened at such a FUCKED UP time..? 

So you know where that leaves me... Doubting myself.. Me feeling like I am being selfish.. Sitting at home with hardly anything to do.. Going to work is about the most exciting thing I have done.. You know I don't even like working..  

What hurts so much,is the fact that I sacrificed  a lot to be in this relationship... So going to see where we go from here... Maybe it won't be long before I can spend  QUALITY time with my girlfriend... Until then, I'll take what I can get.. I wish her mother well though... I wish her daughter can get back on track... 

Love is Challenging me..........

Wow.. How can I really put this all into words... I must have changed a lot... I guess I am becoming a better person... I never knew just how strong I really was until now... If you all have been one of my long time readers.. You know I don't do to well in relationships.. AT ALL!!!!!! 

When I love... I LOVE hard.. I become some what selfish... I want all the time and attention... I used to feel like they were up to something if they didn't call or want to spend all their free time with me.. Yea I am also a smothered lover... ( I am still like that in ways) I just have grown to know that the WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND ME....

In the last few weeks... Love has changed me...  It has also brought forth some challenges... 1st off.. I did loose my grandmother on the 29th of February... It was hard pill to swallow.. I am just glad she doesn't have to suffer anymore. She was having such a hard time.. She is now with God... So she is doing just fine now.. 

Once again it seems that me and my S.O.S haven't been spending much time together.. Work and some family matters has taken her time away from me. It hurts inside.  It makes me feel like not even my feeling matter..  (this is when my issues begin).. I am although being the supportive girlfriend.. I am putting aside my feelings and emotional baggage..  Why am I doing this?  It's cause I love her... It's funny.. It used to be a time I would have pitch a flying bytch...  I used to be so demanding in a relationship... *i guess that's why none of them lasted*  ... So this is a challenge for me.. More and More I am becoming a better person.. Not just for myself but for the person I am with.  I just hate these challenges are being tested so freaking close together.. hehehe.. 

I am also on vacation that what took the cake.. NOT ONE DAY did I get to do anything I wanted to do...  I just sat in the house..  I wrote in my journal.. I played my FB games. So yea this has been a relaxing vacation (just a tad)... I can't believe it but I truly miss work... LOL