Oceans, Rivers, Lakes...

Oceans, River, Lakes…

How being used has gotten me this far…

All my life I have been a giver.. The only child I was spoiled rotten and pretty much got everything I needed and I guess wanted..  I had friends but they were family so it wasn’t like I was given the opportunity to just have friends outside of family..

Not until I got to I guess the 3^rd grade I ended up having friends.. I had one particular friend that I used to feel bad for. I think my mom sorta adopted her.. When my mom buy for me I would either ask her to buy for my friend or I would give my friend something of mine.  This went on until High School. Then after that we lost touch.. I still consider her as a friend but we rarely talk or see each other..

During those years I found myself taking always being the go to girl. If it was with friends or with Boyfriends.. I was the one always giving.. Just give give give.. It could been money, time, skills, even sex. It became addictive.. If I wanted their time, I knew what I had to do..  It seems like no one likes to be around me unless I were doing something for them.. (It might have been the case, but it sure did seem that way).. 

My 1^st Boyfriend… He liked me mainly because I would bring cakes and candy bars to our 4^th grade class..

My 2^nd Boyfriend… He liked me because He needed me to pass high school and after I started wanting time with him, he walked away because he didn’t want to really be in a relationship with me.. He never finished High School..

My 3^rd Boyfriend… Used me for sex.. I wouldn’t hear from him unless he wanted sex.. Then wouldn’t hear from him again until he was ready again..

My 4^th Boyfriend.. I paid his rent, I took care of his son, I gave him sex anytime he wanted, I cooked, washed his clothes… I left him when he started using me as a punching bag…

My 5^th Boyfriend… I was just used all the way around.. Money, Food, my Friends… He ended up sleeping with 3 of my friend girls I am no longer friends with…

My 6^th wasn’t even a Boyfriend yet it seemed like we were… I did EVERYTHING for this man.. EVERYTHING.. I have yet to hear from him…  SMH!

In all this I didn’t include MC.. I felt like he was my best boyfriend I ever had.. It was just I could never make him happy because he was looking for the Perfect Person with a Perfect Past… I know I am not that person..  So as you see why it is so hard for me to trust ANYONE… As of the last few months… When I was out of work and so forth.. Do you think I had anyone to have my back? NO! I had a few call and ask for money.. I have a few call and ask could I buy their groceries.. Yea, it’s me who is ALWAYS there for others..  Now, going through my health and my moms health (dementia) It has taken all my energy from me. I have no strength to get out of the bed half of the time. I know the last few years I haven’t been the best person… I have built up so much bitterness… All in the process of just trying to be a better me.. It has caused me to really shy away from folks.. I think I have an addiction to helping other until I have nothing but the truth that I shouldn’t have.

I’ve crossed Oceans, Rivers, and Lakes for others.. I don’t even get a puddle… I know I will be Blessed in years to come.. So I am not worried… I am just letting it be known, there is no more of me to give.. I am all out of resources, energy, and time..

Iylana "Fix My Life"... The Pace Sisters!! (my thoughts)... Weighs to cover the pain!!

Oh this show!! This show!! This show!!..

Knowing that I am such a fan of Iylana... This show made me very very emotional.. 

I had all kinds of emotions going through me.. 

I saw their hurt.. I saw their pain.. I could feel their struggle..

Being in a Powerful Family and deep rooted in the church..

Those skeletons will be the death of you.. Maybe not physically, but mentally and emotionally..

You are raised to be a lady at all times, don't sin, and put on a front for the church family..

You want others to think you are perfect all the while you are dying inside..

Growing up there are some things you just don't talk about.. You got to keep it on the hush.. I know when I was younger and something happened.. My grandmother would say.. Hursh it and pray about it.. God is going to make it alright..  Well I am now 37 years of age and I am still waiting.. 

Hey I know praying and my faith in God is helping me cope with all the pain, hurts, and emotions.. I haven't got  to that alright yet.. 

I realized I am a BROKEN woman that wants LOVE to heal me.. 

On this show These sisters main reason for the show was to get behind the reason that all of them being Over-weight and how to do something about it.. How the world know them.. How they came from a strong Religious family.. They have SECRETS... We all know that SECRETS can hurt or kill the family..

The sisters were controlled by the men in their family (father and brother).. One sister was violated by her uncle.. One sister was violated by her brother.. One sister was battling her sexuality.. We all know people will cast down those stones when something like that surfaces.. So they keep the secrets within themselves or within the family.. 

Sometimes weight hides other things.. I don't know about you all but food comforts me.. So growing up in that environment, when you get older it can really shut you down..

After watching this I was speechless.. Not because finding out the the family I grew up listening too and idolize in the Gospel industry... It was because I saw some of me in all them.. Maybe not to their extreme, but how secrets can weigh you down.. How we mange to go day by putting extra coverage over us to hide it..

Life isn't perfect... A Family isn't Perfect... We all have to have our day.. If we can sit and talk let it out.. Then the healing would begin.. If you keep those things inside you it will eat you alive.. If it is hard to talk to someone (in which it is so hard for me) write it down.. Release whatever is troubling you.. Then maybe your Prayers to God will show you a sign and let you know everything is going to be alright.. 

I also heard the word Nice Nasty.... I have had a few people tell me that I am nice and sweet person but at times I can be the nastiest person standing.. I don't think that I am really a bad person.. I do know I don't do well with others.. This is my defense mechanism.. If I give the cold shoulder then I know I won't get hurt... Another way I cover my pain..

I pray that the family continue to heal and become stronger than ever...