Bedrest, BullShyt, and Boredom...

I feel like I can Scream and everyone on this planet will be able to hear me. I tell you the last few days has BEEN HAYAL!

Where do I begin... Hmm let's get the BullSHYT out the way first... I feel like this, If someone that says they LOVE YOU and they see you are having a hard time right now and you reach out to them, they should be there.. Point Blank.. I am there for them, so why can't you be there for me.. (sorry arses).. Someone that I've been dating (yeah) since December... Known him for over 20 years but never saw him as potential but he is fun to be around..  Anyhoo, me being home taking care of my mom and not being able to work right now. I wanted to start trying to do businesses that I can do for home. So  I asked him would he be able to help me out. NOTE: He has a good paying job and he has 2 other roommates. He doesn't have a car payment nor do he has any kids to take care of... To make it clear the money his roommates gives him it pays all the bills.. (smh) Well for the past month he has been coming up with excuses.. Then I asked him again this passed week.. He comes out his mouth "GET YOUR ARSE A DAMN JOB"...  I don't know if the devil got in me or what... Let's just say I am no longer dating (again) lol.. I don't even know if he is my friend anymore. It got to the point I had to say Fuck You.. See about a month ago I had to do my father the same way.. It's crazy.. They see what I am going through on a daily basis but they insist to make me feel like I am not shyt.. That's my momma.. She has taken cared of me, sacrificed for me, and I owe her this.. See her health declining faster than I thought it would and I know how my mom is.. She isn't and doesn't want any stranger in this house with her.

I don't ask people to help me normally.. I have always been the giver and helper.. Heck, I used to help his crazy arse when he used to get into trouble and what not.. So you would think that he would be open and willing, since he goes on how I have always been the one.. They one he loves and always had... BullShyt!!


Bed-rest and Boredom goes right along with each other.. I've been having female issues for over a year now. I still waiting on the ok to have my hysterectomy..   Well I am not going into be details with all that because I know some of you already know.. LOL.. Well the doctor has put me on bedrest for a few days and I have to take it extremely easy and drink a lot of fluids.. #UGH I don't know how bedrest I am when I have to keep on pissing every minute..  I want my life back.. I want to be able to socialize and deal with folks.  Everyone now that used to be my clique married, getting married, in a relationship, got a few kids.. So I don't have hanging folks, plus I don't like going places alone.. (I know how am I going to meet people)... It's just how I am..
I do have something coming up next week.. I can't wait.. I get to get out the house for awhile.. LOL

It is What it Is!! No Regrets...

I used to think that so many others had an warp sense of what LOVE & Relationships suppose to be like.. I think it might be me with that problem.. (seriously)...  I am starting to think I live in some type of fairytale love life. The KEYWORD is EXPECT a little to much out of relationships. I have read too many love stories, watched too many movies, and saw too many soap operas in my day..

Wanting that perfect love can sometimes kill everything in it's path..

Now you know that me and my friend was trying to see if it would workout between us. We are still cool but for us to maintain that strong bond in our friendship we got to slow it down. He is still in the process of getting his life back to normal and I am just to STRONG willed to wait.. If that makes sense. It has gotten to the point where we would argue because I didn't understand what was going on,, He is one of those types that you have to beat a word out of.  (I didn't hit him)..

You know he started back working all the time.. When it was time for us to spend together he would be just too tired.. So I was feeling as if he just didn't want to be bothered.. So You know me.. I want to know why there is no time spent with each other.. Then that led into TRACY YOU EXPECT TO MUCH FROM ME.. argument.. I know I've done it in the past.. So I just started backing off.. I would go days with out talking or texting him.. Hayal, the last time I actually saw him in the physical was September 13th.. Yea that was the last time.. So this was around October 1st when it was becoming an issue with me. 

So we took the time to have a very long and deep conversation.. We love each other dearly.. We know that.. He said he rather lose me as a lover than to lose me as a friend. He rather have me for a life time than a short time.. I understand where he was coming from.. It is what it is.. I see that once again. Men only love me for my friendship.. LOL I guess that's a good thing and I am not mad at him what so ever.. Some just aren't ready for what and who I am.. 

I am quite sure no one will ever be.. 

I talked to my Life Coach about this.. He told me that is the best form of LOVE... He goes on to tell me, relationships don't always last just like friendships.. Yet to have someone to love you enough to let you go and find what you really need in your life.. Is someone that truly loves you and know you deserve the best.. 

I'll take that.. 

My Happy SINGLE Awareness Day.......

I didn't think today was going to be a good day for me.. You know everyone is ALL so MUSHY.. I took it is stride though.. I got a Happy Valentine's Day Text from Heaven.. I also had a few other friends do the same.. They know I never celebrate the day... The last Valentine I did was back in elementary school..  So  I thank them and made the best of it...

I don't knock anyone down about being in Love.. Love is such a wonderful thing when you are with the right person.. I caught all kind of crap when I posted a status on Facebook about Love Fades.. It is the truth.. Someone can love you for years and that ends.. You get tired.. I know I did.. Love always turned to hate on my part..

I called a few friends and wish them the same.. They all are going out tonight to celebrate with their mates.. So I sit here at home thinking and also pampering myself.. I gave myself a facial and a pedicure.. I took the time out to do something for ME.. I LOVE ME so much that I had to do something for myself.. Since right now my life is in such a bind and money is so short.  This is the part that has been getting me down lately.. I don't have money to do anything anymore.. I do know next month.. I am going out of town and I am going to enjoy myself..

My cousin  (my daughter) she brought me some flowers by the house.. I thought that was sweet of her.. She said that I am her Valentine.. I almost shed a few tears, but I held it back.. It is nice to feel LOVED.. It is nice to feel you are on someone's mind.. I appreciated that very much Missy..

I am off the rest of the week because I got jury duty..  Something I was praying that I wouldn't get. So I am taking this week off to be good to myself.. I will also get to see Heaven on Wednesday..  I am loving that and I can't wait.. I hope that everything goes the way it should...

So to all the Single folks out here.. Happy Single Awareness Day...!!!! It isn't so bad...  To all the Lovers in the world.. Happy Valentine's Day to you... I hope that this will continue on and on...

I just Love me so ME...............