The other day I had a talk with someone.. We were talking about relationships.. Also the reason why I am not sure if I want to get into another one. I truly believe I am meant to be single. I don't know if it my choices or is it really me.
Over the years I dated men.. I dated women.. Out of both of those relationship which over the last 10 years I've only been in two relationships.. The one with the guy (which you all know was MC) it lasted 6 almost 7 of those years.. It had it ups and downs.. We had more good times than bad. He wasn't able to commit to me until he thought he was losing me.. That was in 2007 and we started dating in 2004.. His love for me started fading in 2009.. That was when we called it quits.. Well he pushed me to call it quits.. LOL
It took me awhile after that to decide to date or not.
Then this woman came into my life in 2011 and it changed everything. I mean everything. I felt like that was where I was suppose to be. I felt good. I felt happy. I felt understood. I finally stopped fighting the battle with myself and how I felt. I gave up a lot to be in the relationship.. Friends, Family, Partying, and Men.. For What? I sometimes ask myself. It ended just a few months later in 2012. March 2012 to be exact. When I found out about her lying and cheating ways. I was forewarned but it I was naive to believe she wasn't like that. Well you all know the story to that too.. I have tried to remain friends with the woman because she is good people but not in the relationship sense. We have our days.. We have our fights.. Well not to long ago before Christmas I went off on her and physically tried to hurt her. So I had to step back on the friendship.. I saw that she wasn't trying to treat me as a friend. I had to see there is still something in my heart for her too.. So I had to numb them feelings in my mind. Guess what though.. Since I've been acting like who gives a damn, I am getting better at just going along with my life.
Okay, the conversation I had.. I was saying how I don't know if I could be with another man again. I would like to just cause I still feel that I am attracted to men.. The issue is that I believe that I am only physically attracted to men. I don't know if I have the emotions to connect with another man anymore. MC put me through the ringer mentally... My friend goes to say, Female on Female relationships are about just SEX.. If they don't have a great sex life then there is nothing else for them.. I was like huh?
My last relationship with a woman was NO INTIMACY!! Yea time to time we might did something but not often.. We had more of a caring, talkative, cuddling relationship. I was able to talk to her about everything.. Now I will say when it came to my feelings, she might dozed off. LOL I think she listened to other stuff.
I really don't know what either relationship suppose to work.. I don't know one from the other. LOL
I just know I don't think I am ready to go down that road anymore. I am not one that picks up pieces quickly. When I go into a relationship I give my all and then when it ends, I don't know what to pick up or what to leave crumbled.
As 2014 keeps on going and I keep on moving.. I might be at a better place this year.. I started getting it right toward the middle and also sought help for my anxieties.. I am still trying to maintain a healthy way of living.. I hope and pray that in time I will know what's right for me and what is wrong.. Right now a relationship will just crowd my space.. I am aiming for the BEST ME POSSIBLE!!!
