I am not what I'm going through...

I have time to really get my thoughts together.

I don't want folks to think I'm in this self potty mode.

I sometimes just overly emotional. I am ok and everything will be ok.. I have my faith to lead me.. 

Oceans, Rivers, Lakes...

Oceans, River, Lakes…

How being used has gotten me this far…

All my life I have been a giver.. The only child I was spoiled rotten and pretty much got everything I needed and I guess wanted..  I had friends but they were family so it wasn’t like I was given the opportunity to just have friends outside of family..

Not until I got to I guess the 3^rd grade I ended up having friends.. I had one particular friend that I used to feel bad for. I think my mom sorta adopted her.. When my mom buy for me I would either ask her to buy for my friend or I would give my friend something of mine.  This went on until High School. Then after that we lost touch.. I still consider her as a friend but we rarely talk or see each other..

During those years I found myself taking always being the go to girl. If it was with friends or with Boyfriends.. I was the one always giving.. Just give give give.. It could been money, time, skills, even sex. It became addictive.. If I wanted their time, I knew what I had to do..  It seems like no one likes to be around me unless I were doing something for them.. (It might have been the case, but it sure did seem that way).. 

My 1^st Boyfriend… He liked me mainly because I would bring cakes and candy bars to our 4^th grade class..

My 2^nd Boyfriend… He liked me because He needed me to pass high school and after I started wanting time with him, he walked away because he didn’t want to really be in a relationship with me.. He never finished High School..

My 3^rd Boyfriend… Used me for sex.. I wouldn’t hear from him unless he wanted sex.. Then wouldn’t hear from him again until he was ready again..

My 4^th Boyfriend.. I paid his rent, I took care of his son, I gave him sex anytime he wanted, I cooked, washed his clothes… I left him when he started using me as a punching bag…

My 5^th Boyfriend… I was just used all the way around.. Money, Food, my Friends… He ended up sleeping with 3 of my friend girls I am no longer friends with…

My 6^th wasn’t even a Boyfriend yet it seemed like we were… I did EVERYTHING for this man.. EVERYTHING.. I have yet to hear from him…  SMH!

In all this I didn’t include MC.. I felt like he was my best boyfriend I ever had.. It was just I could never make him happy because he was looking for the Perfect Person with a Perfect Past… I know I am not that person..  So as you see why it is so hard for me to trust ANYONE… As of the last few months… When I was out of work and so forth.. Do you think I had anyone to have my back? NO! I had a few call and ask for money.. I have a few call and ask could I buy their groceries.. Yea, it’s me who is ALWAYS there for others..  Now, going through my health and my moms health (dementia) It has taken all my energy from me. I have no strength to get out of the bed half of the time. I know the last few years I haven’t been the best person… I have built up so much bitterness… All in the process of just trying to be a better me.. It has caused me to really shy away from folks.. I think I have an addiction to helping other until I have nothing but the truth that I shouldn’t have.

I’ve crossed Oceans, Rivers, and Lakes for others.. I don’t even get a puddle… I know I will be Blessed in years to come.. So I am not worried… I am just letting it be known, there is no more of me to give.. I am all out of resources, energy, and time..

About Last Night...

It's must be the season of reflecting.. You know the Fall is always my favorite time of the year.. It also brings a lot of emotions my way.  I become distant and isolated...

Last night I cut everything off around 6:30 I laid in bed in total darkness and silence. 

I was that way until around 12 this morning. I even cut my phone off and disconnected myself for everything on the outside world. 

I would lay there listening to my thoughts.. I would also get up and get on my knees to Pray to the Lord.  It got to the point where I felt no one but God with me. As I cried to him and poured my heart unto him. 

I believe that this is one of my things to do when Life as I know it is about to change and not change slowly but drastically. It's about to be something that is beyond my control take major hit in my life. I shouldn't sound so negative but I feel it. This is why I had to take this day and give every thought to silence. 

I do believe some of the energy is released from me. I wish that all was but as I woke this morning I still had the uneasy feeling go through my gut... I just wish things would be better.. I often wonder why do I go through so much.. Especially since I have been so go to so many people. What have I've done wrong to go through so much pain and suffering.? 

Am I really built for this? Am I just over-reacted to all that is hitting me at once?

Why am I so sensitive?  I try not to question the Lord..  He has everything already planned out.. This is what I believe. It's just becoming too much.. Just entirely too much for my spirit..

I hear that I bring so much joy and happiness to others.. Then when why does it drains so much out of me? I look for the good in the world but they world isn't good to me. 

I don't know what is to become of all this and I gather that it will make me stronger or kill me slowly..

Have a wonderful Sunday and Be Blessed!!

I figured it out!!!!!!!!

For awhile I was thinking it was me.. I was the reason for all my failed relationships.. Or why so many men see me as just a friend type person... 

I am partly the reason because of the men I attract.. Also the type of men I am attracted too..

See I have no qualms in being single.. I have to work hard and I also have to take care of my mother who is now in 1st level of Dementia.. Yes I haven't spoken on that because I really don't want anyone coming to my mother feeling sorry for her.. She is still strong willed, she just have some good and bad days..  So I think I was just looking for outside fulfillment to get me through the rough part. 

Well anyway the common words I always get from men is :You are too good for me: You are Heaven Sent: You deserve better:... So am I continually going for the wrong men.. YES!!

The light bulb  lit up after talking yesterday to an old internet friend.. He asked me what do I look for in a man (relationship) and what are the type of things I do in the relationship..

He said I all the qualities of a GOOD WOMAN and a GOOD Wife.. He said I just go for the wrong men. He said he doesn't understand how a person like me fall for the uneducated, crazy, temperamental, Childish men.. He said he has watched over the years the different types of men I've dated.. He asked me was I truly ready for relationships... I told him after he put that out there.. I am not quite sure. 

Then I talked to my Life Coach and how I told him about a few things that were bothering me yesterday.. It was my birthday and I tend to go all out with others. The only things I got from my Bestest was a call early in the morning singing Happy Birthday.. :(  I went all out for his.. He even promised to call me back later in the day... He did not.. I even got drunk and called him.. He didn't answer or did he even respond to my Facebook message.. He told me to let that go, squash it, and just do me.. Why am I still drawn to this type of pain.. I really don't know..

I was watching last week Fix My Life.. Another light bulb moment.. Brokenness attracts Brokenness.. I have said before I have Daddy Issues.. Me and my father are some what closer than we ever been once I got older..  Growing up I didn't have a bad childhood I was just one who had to grow up way earlier than most.. I was cooking full meals at 8 years of age.. I had to help my mother take care of my grandmother and when my mom worked I had to make sure my grandmother was set, fed, and cleaned.. 

Then I also have separation anxieties..  Everything I love the most tends to leave me.. I thank God my mom is still here though.. I am somewhat anti social but when I get around folks I feel comfortable around I am good.. I sometimes feel at ease with strangers than I do people I know the most.. That way they don't know the pain and struggle I have on day to day life..

Besides all the emotions I was going through yesterday on my Birthday.. I can say it turned out to be pretty decent.. I got money, cards, balloons, hugs, kisses, and a dinner.. The most important thing was to still be here to share it with those who love and care for me deeply.. I will be having a few friends over on Friday.. :)

Take a Look in the Mirror and don't walk away until you fall in love with yourself!!

This morning talking to one of my friend guys.. He was asking me what was really going on in my life. He had been getting signals from my Facebook Statuses and he wasn't happy about it. I gave him the run down and he said this...
"u don't love yourself enough bc u keep allowing yourself to be hurt from the same type of situation...remember people don't change they just become more of who they really are! So go stand in front of your mirror and don't move until you fall in love with the person u see in it....."

This got to me, because I am one who always say I love myself daily.. I truly believe I love myself. So this got me to question myself.. Do I really?

I think that I am a ok looking woman.. I work hard to provide for myself. I am a loving person. I help people when I can. I don't ask for much. I live day by day with optimism.. So where am I failing? I don't think that I am a failure... I try to live my life right..

I just want to feel.. I want to feel LOVE.. I want to feel WANTED.. I want to feel BELONG to.. I don't think that is not Loving myself. Yes, I have allowed people to continue to hurt me. I think that is cause I am easily to get hurt. I play strong but I am so into my emotions anything can trigger that.

It's a process everyday to learning how to give myself props. I haven't hurt anyone in my lifetime as I know of. So I will never say it is Karma. I just believe when I LOVE someone I LOVE them. Getting over the hurt and pain always seem to live longer than the relationship.. It's the reasons behind it, I believe.. I am a good person. I give my honesty, my Loyalty, and all the respect in the relationship. I am starting to believe it is ME..I has to be. People LOVE me only in spurts. I said this before and I am going to say this again.. I am not CUT out for this. Even though deep down inside I crave it..

So I am going to work on How to Love me More... I must have lost the memo on it..
Have a great and wonderful Sunday.. It is beautiful here in SC..