In my thoughts.. In my feelings.. Just a little something...

In Your Presence

The scent of you

The glimpse of you

The touch of you

Sends of a stream of electricity flowing through my body

It’s the spark

It’s the chemistry

That makes me smile every time you are near

I can’t ever imagine my life without you

Your love

Your smile

In your presence I am complete

In your presence I am happy

In your presence is where I want to be

It feels like a distance memory

I don’t know the last time I was in your presence

I don’t even know what went wrong

One day you loved me

The next never heard from you again

You stopped calling

You stopped texting

You stopped coming by

I was so into you I didn’t notice the signs way before you stopped doing all of those things

In Your Absence I was once sad

In Your Absence I found me

In Your Absence You no longer have that same effect over me!  

Mahoganydymond 2015

I am not going to fight anymore..

With everything that is going on in my life right now.. I had decided to give up the fight to be someone's all.. It isn't leading me any where but a doubtful broken heart.. I am so tired of trying to be everything to one person. So I know what patient means but I am done.

This whole week I been back and forth to the doctors with my mother. So I am beyond stressed and on top of that I got to go tomorrow and Tuesday to other appointments with her. I hope that they will find out what is wrong with her.. It is getting to the point that it is making her upset.. I hate seeing my mother down because she the one that actually loves me... 

So after going through the week full of emotions. I decided what is best for me. I really wish I was the type that actually like being around people. I hate that my trust issues over the years has really brought me to the point to not even want to meet new people. I do need something going on about my life. I am becoming an emotional wreck again. 

I feel worse than I did when me and Cooper ended everything. I guess because this person hasn't actually did anything. He just doesn't see me more than a friend. I guess that is why it hurts.. I respect that he has been honest with me. I respect the fact that he really does love me. It's on another level.. So I will stop fighting with my heart and mind,..  Letting it go!

I am really meant to be single.. I thought if I gave myself enough years to grow God would send me someone that truly adores me.. He did but he brought one of my best of friends.. So I guess that is what I suppose to have.. Undying friendships.. They all I seem to be to these men these days... Friends... When being the Homegirl is going to end?

In My Thoughts: Social Unrest

We still having so many Black Men UNARMED being killed or shot at by Police or wanna be Cops.. It is like every time you turn on the News  there has been another person being killed by the Cops.. We never know when someone we Love will be murdered just by the act of  Racial Profiling.

There are so many families out here hurting because they lost someone in their lives through such.

Then you watch the News and see how some say that us as Black America bring it on ourselves. We have so much Black on Black crime in our community.. I heard somewhere a long time ago and I am not sure as to where.. "If you treat them like a savage beast, they will act as such".. How are these Young men suppose to feel? I have said before a lot of it does come from the environment in which they were raised, BUT the way some of the Cops patrol the neighborhoods, looking for trouble. I see how they act here and I live in a small town in South Carolina.. They call where all of us live Across the Tracks... They drive slow and stare at you like you done or about to do something.. The Ironic thing though, A lot of white people have moved over here now, CAUSE MORE HAVOC and you don't see the Cops riding by anymore.. They are over here a lot because either Me or a Neighbor is calling on them.. 

I want Fergerson to heal.. It is in my mind a Modern Day Rosewood. The town is never going to be the same and as of Last night 2 Cops were shot. So they are looking for the suspects (i betcha they will serve time for what they done). The city is in Ruins. I pray for them but I also see that a lot of the Black if they could will move out the city. Especially when you see that even the Police Department had so many Racist Emails and so forth. 

Like the song Michael Jackson had "They really don't care about us".. More and more I am starting to think this is to be true. Do they Hate us that much they want to get rid of us all. I pray that one day this world will all be called HUMANS that live in America. No more color categorizing. If we go back to the Early times of America, remember we were BROUGHT here against our will.. 

Then the Oklahoma University SAE Chant that has been bombarded the media as of late.  WOW! Is all I can say.. I wasn't upset about the Chorus more than I had been with the words in the lyrics.. The hanging from the tree... It made my blood boil.. Now the one leading the Chant apologized, but it really doesn't matter. They were saying that it was taught to them.. Ok if you know they words are hurtful and offensive, Why repeat it?

I believe we are in the days when there will never been Justice, Respect, Honor, and Love in this Country.. I will the word Hate never existed. 

I think I just need to be in my own little world.. I wish I had the ability to change the world.. 

It's my Decision..

Pretty soon as I stated in my last post, that I will be out of work come next month.. I choose not to stepdown and go to part time when I have been full time for the last 19 years... People want me to stay with the company and they want me not to draw unemployment.. Everyone is trying to talk me out of it.. I refuse to do it.. For sometime now I have been praying to release myself from anything that isn't making me happy.. I Loved the job I did but it was taking so much of my life away. Then as hard as I work I wasnt getting the pay for the type of job I was doing. So I feel like it has run it's course and it is time for me to find something else while I am still some what young. 

I been on that job for 20 years and I just feel it's time.. 

What am I going to do? The question everyone is asking me.. I don't know but I want my dreams of my own restaurant since you know I love to cook.. I am still praying for that and in time I hope I will be doing that. 

I wish well to my fellow co workers that choose to stay within the company..  

It's is in God's Hands..

I've been on my Job for 21 years tomorrow. On Friday we found out that we will  be closing.. On April 22 the job I've know my whole Adult life is no more. The are talking about moving me to another store, yet I am not sure about that right now.  

Over the last few years I have asked God to release me. I guess now it's time. I have other things I want to do but as you all know that is a leap of faith and I am leaving it all to him.  Everyone is bummed out about it, and I am over her like OK..

I had it made on my job even though somedays was better than others..  I do know I wanted to be out of retail. Now I am almost 40 and I am not sure as to what to do. 

I do know I still want my own business, yet that take money to start. So I have a month to decide what I actually going to do. 

So I am going to Rely on God and he will see my way through..