I need some serious motivation...

I must admit that I have wasted a lot of my years... I wasted doing absolutely NOTHING.. What I mean by nothing, is something worth my wild.. I been working so hard the last 6 years... I really don't have nothing to show for it but, maybe my credit score.. lol
I wasted on men... I wasted it because of fear.. I wasted it because I no longer have motivation...
I believe a lot of it has been the stress I've been under.. I believe a lot of it where I am not getting much time alone.. I am always doing something for someone.. I am always paying bills, to where I don't have money to save up.
I really want to do something for me.. God willing, I want to save up enough to take a trip (alone)... I am still in the process of looking for another job, so that is motivation ( a little lol)....My dreams of my own business is still my main focus and I haven't given up.. It just seems that folks don't wanna pay for catering...  In this area anyway... Man, if I had the money to play the lottery and win... Then that's all the motivation I need..
The seasons are changing now too, I want to get back out.. I want to take walks, eat right, and get back on my healthy kick.. I think that would help my motivation.. I will have the energy..
I was talking to my friend guy on Sunday and he was telling me, I am no longer the Tracy he once knew. He said I was so much of a social, outgoing, fun person.. Now, he says I am complacent, moody, and drabby..  Damn, really? I think it is my age.. Things I used to do I don't do anymore.. It's not that my interest has changed.. My mindset has.. All of the friends I used to hang out with.. Married, Engaged, and kids..  I am the only one in my circle that has yet, to meet a man, worthy..
So yes, I no longer do the things I once did.. I don't think I am drabby (whatever that means).. hehehhee
Being with depression for the last 6 months, people really don't understand what it is to feel this way.. Yea, some say they are down, but a lot of folks don't know.. My diagnoses was my answers I needed.. I didn't understand why I kept feeling the way I did.. It wasn't anything going wrong in my life, I just feel like I had no motivation to even get out of bed sometimes. I didn't want to face people.. I didn't even wanna get up and put on clothes.. (even got to the point,  I didn't want to bathe).. Depression is something I don't wish on anyone. It puts your life at a stand still.
I can't  believe that I have wrote two blogs in two days.. I guess walking away from Facebook, has given me a peace of mind.. Now, hopefully motivation is next.. :)

It is me!!

I tried to let go.. You wouldn't allow me.. I tried to forget you.. You wouldn't allow me.. Now as months passed and I still can't forget what happened in the past.

I've been searching for other outlets to share my scream.. I believe it is me... 

It's me who won't let go.. It is me that keep the good times afloat.. 

How can't I get my mind off of you, when I still love you..

I am not in love with the cheater.. I am in love with the liar.. 

I am in love with the person that you made.. It is me..

When I found out the reasons to what broke us apart...

It didn't matter.. You still holds my heart.

I know I am foolish.. I know I am crazy...

But you made this girl life so amazing..

The little things that you still do..

The comfort you give me when I am blue...

The words you give me to make me smile..

All the bad stuff I try to hide...

Now future is so different.. 

I feeling like I am just stagnant.. 

What we once had is now non- existent..

I just wish what happened did not..

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel that way..

Being around you seems to always make my day..

Even if we fussed and fussed until we fought..

Now we are in the friend role..

It still doesn't make me whole..

I wish and I wish I was the one that you would have forever to hold..

It is me.. I got to learn that things don't last forever...

Who am I kidding when I say I would never..

If it was a time I could of had you back...

I would have took you back in a snap..

It is me who has to learn to let go.. 

It is me who has to stop letting my feelings show..

In time I will get over you...

It is up to me who has to know how to do it soon.. 

Mahoganydymond 2012