Oceans, Rivers, Lakes...

Oceans, River, Lakes…

How being used has gotten me this far…

All my life I have been a giver.. The only child I was spoiled rotten and pretty much got everything I needed and I guess wanted..  I had friends but they were family so it wasn’t like I was given the opportunity to just have friends outside of family..

Not until I got to I guess the 3^rd grade I ended up having friends.. I had one particular friend that I used to feel bad for. I think my mom sorta adopted her.. When my mom buy for me I would either ask her to buy for my friend or I would give my friend something of mine.  This went on until High School. Then after that we lost touch.. I still consider her as a friend but we rarely talk or see each other..

During those years I found myself taking always being the go to girl. If it was with friends or with Boyfriends.. I was the one always giving.. Just give give give.. It could been money, time, skills, even sex. It became addictive.. If I wanted their time, I knew what I had to do..  It seems like no one likes to be around me unless I were doing something for them.. (It might have been the case, but it sure did seem that way).. 

My 1^st Boyfriend… He liked me mainly because I would bring cakes and candy bars to our 4^th grade class..

My 2^nd Boyfriend… He liked me because He needed me to pass high school and after I started wanting time with him, he walked away because he didn’t want to really be in a relationship with me.. He never finished High School..

My 3^rd Boyfriend… Used me for sex.. I wouldn’t hear from him unless he wanted sex.. Then wouldn’t hear from him again until he was ready again..

My 4^th Boyfriend.. I paid his rent, I took care of his son, I gave him sex anytime he wanted, I cooked, washed his clothes… I left him when he started using me as a punching bag…

My 5^th Boyfriend… I was just used all the way around.. Money, Food, my Friends… He ended up sleeping with 3 of my friend girls I am no longer friends with…

My 6^th wasn’t even a Boyfriend yet it seemed like we were… I did EVERYTHING for this man.. EVERYTHING.. I have yet to hear from him…  SMH!

In all this I didn’t include MC.. I felt like he was my best boyfriend I ever had.. It was just I could never make him happy because he was looking for the Perfect Person with a Perfect Past… I know I am not that person..  So as you see why it is so hard for me to trust ANYONE… As of the last few months… When I was out of work and so forth.. Do you think I had anyone to have my back? NO! I had a few call and ask for money.. I have a few call and ask could I buy their groceries.. Yea, it’s me who is ALWAYS there for others..  Now, going through my health and my moms health (dementia) It has taken all my energy from me. I have no strength to get out of the bed half of the time. I know the last few years I haven’t been the best person… I have built up so much bitterness… All in the process of just trying to be a better me.. It has caused me to really shy away from folks.. I think I have an addiction to helping other until I have nothing but the truth that I shouldn’t have.

I’ve crossed Oceans, Rivers, and Lakes for others.. I don’t even get a puddle… I know I will be Blessed in years to come.. So I am not worried… I am just letting it be known, there is no more of me to give.. I am all out of resources, energy, and time..

I Release You!

To my Past Loves & Lovers:

Today I release the pain that came with involving myself with you.. This is my Open Letter to you all.

Over the years I held on to the hurt, the pain, and the scars. I wasn’t allowing myself to grow pass it all.

I became the product of each and every one of you made of me.  I held on it for so long I myself believe I might never be able to Love again.. I won’t say that some of it never caused me to become a bitter woman. It has, and for that I have to RELEASE you. I thought holding on to it would guard me from falling for the wrong person again. The truth be told, it allowed me to keep falling for it. I was just a girl that later became a woman that wanted to be loved.

I release you because I want to live again. I release you because I want to find the LOVE that at one time I thought was impossible to have. To have the life I envision for myself has to one of Unconditional Love. A love that, every day is a BEAUTIFUL day because my love is right there with me and in my heart.

I won’t say being with you was all bad. We had our good days. I learned from each and every relationship. I want you to know, when I said I loved you. I did.. I was loyal, faithful, caring, understanding, and was there no matter what. I wanted the same from you all.  Even though our relationship ended I still carried the love in my heart.  I no longer hold unto the anger.. I forgive you; this is why I have to release you.

I wish you all well as some of you may be moved on, married, and living the dream. I hope that you too learned something from me as I did with you all. Take care be Blessed and know that I THANK YOU ALL for what we shared.. The Good and The Bad… The woman who once Loved & Cared