30 Days of Thanks.. The words that I speak...

Just today I was told sometimes I might need to fall back.. Every word doesn't need to be said..

I never payed much attention to how my words affect others.. I just like to say how I feel.. Sometimes if I do say how I feel I go into a silence distant place.. 

I know sometimes I can be a little blunt. Even if I feel like things are going the way it should go I speak my peace..

Is that something wrong..?

I like to speak my truths...

I can't help it that others might perceive it to be cruel and harmful.. That is not my intention..

I am thankful for it though.. I might end up the world all alone and with no one.. I do know if that happens I spoke my peace..

Day 10... The Open Book..

My life so many know has had it ups and its downs.. I can a very well say that over the years it has been an OPEN BOOK.. I share a lot with folks when I feel the need to let those in. 

 I am currently in the process of writing my own  BOOK but have been afraid of letting others read it.. I know ODD right, just cause I have shared so much with you all.. I got to work on my writing skills, my words, and learn how to stop putting so much of my personal self in my writing..

Day 10.. A Day I would love to Forget!! (maybe if it never happened.. I would be a different person)

May 30th 1997........ A day that I would like to forget.. This day still haunts me.. I still mourn over this over and over again... I feel if things would have went differently.. I would be a MOTHER!! I would have the child I have always dreamed of...

I wasn't feeling good.. It was a warm Saturday morning and I was laying it bed.. I normally slept in on mornings I had to close later..  My boyfriend at the time was going to work some over time.. I went to get up and fix his lunch to take with him..

BAM!! I falls to the floor in maaaaaaaaaajjjjjjjoooooooooooorrrrrrrrrr pain... I didn't know what to do.. I couldn't get up I couldn't even crawl or walk.. I screamed so loud my boyfriend ran in there to see what was the matter..  I called my mother and told her that I was having pains and I couldn't walk..
I didn't know what was wrong with me I was so scared.. I had 2 miscarriages before and I was really worried.. I was passed 6 months into my pregnancy so I knew I was going to have this baby.. I wanted it, I needed it, I was so in love with my baby..

See  I would sing Mary J Blige song You are everything every morning to my baby.. I would read every night to my baby.. I wanted this baby to know He was loved although my relationship with his father was a abusive one.. I would feel him move around when I read to him.. He would kick when he heard me sing.. I guess he didn't like my singing or he was dancing one.. hehehe

My mom told me to come over and stay with her for the day and call my job and tell them I wouldn't be into work.. I get to my moms.. My boyfriend had to carry me into the house.. I laid in my bed trying to calm down and stop crying.. I was so AFRAID.. I felt I was being torn in half...

I went to get up and adjust myself.. HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I screamed.. My mom, boyfriend, and his son came running into the house.. Water was everywhere.. My Water broke.. (face full of tears).. So he gets me into the car and I was still in pain and was rushed to the hospital..

What hurts so bad was they wouldn't let me see my child.. My mother got to see him.. My baby was DEAD.. (I am crying as I write this).. As I stated I have 2 miscarriages prior to this.. I was with child close to 7 and half months.. I heard his heart beat.. I saw the sex of the baby.. I felt the baby mooooooveeeeeeeee!! I had already named him.. Kahsey Hill-Haley Williams...

The news of me never being able to carry a baby full term rocked my world..  The news of I would never be able to have children have made me feel less than a woman.. I feel that God punished in a way that really sent gloom forever over my life..

I was in the hospital for weeks because I refused to eat.. I went into a deep depression that my mom had to get our pastor to pray over me.. I was ready to die.. I had nothing to live for.. I was worthless..
Time to time I think of my baby wishing I got to see him.. Hold him and love him... Only good thing that came out of all of it.. I had the strength to leave the abusive relationship after getting back on my feet.. I love you Kahsey!!

I wish that day never happened.. I hate I had to experience it..