Is is that easy for people to forget and forgive?

I witness something today. I wanted to say something. I just don't want to cause to much confusion and it isn't none of my business either.. I just don't understand..

Example: I have two friends on Facebook.. At onetime, they were both friends.. Then something happened. So one of the friends started trash talking, posting a lot of immature stuff on Facebook with this person. So I am like come on now that stuff is just childish.. It went on for a year or so.. Heck I think about 3 weeks ago she was still talking trash about the other one...  So why is it today they are buddies again.. I am like how do you do that... I am sorry some of that stuff that was said isn't very forgettable in my book.. I will be able to forgive you, but being your friend once again.. HELL to DA NAW...
So I was shaking my head and kept my mouth shut..
Sometimes you just have to keep quiet....


I know for me I carry so much baggage..  I pretend to forgive and forget.. I can tell a person that I forgave them, but deep down inside, I am still bitter.. I have notice that once it built up I ended going off on that person.. To this day I still look at them as an enemy. I just play it off...They can not know that they have that control over me.. I have prayed about it. I even said that life goes on after the hurt.

I just know for me.. After a person have talked junk, tried to run my name in the ground. I just can't be the one to come over your house and act like nothing ever happened.. It must just be me.. I am not so forgiving and I sure in hell don't forget...

WTF?

I know that I am a beautiful and sexy woman.. I will always believe this... 

I am just wondering what is this sudden flock of men coming my way..

I am still wooing over my Heaven.. I am also still feeling the need not to be in a relationship at this time.. 

I know that I am a BIG flirt. I never had men approach me the way they have the last few weeks..

I am a person that I have my standards and rules I live by.. I try my best to stand by them.. I don't care how lonely I get.. There are just some BOUNDARIES you just don't cross...

One of my friends (not going to call her a close friend cause she had done some shyt to me before) her ex boyfriend told me something yesterday that blew my mind.. He approached me in a way I never expected. He  told me that he has always had a crush on me. He wished that he met me first. He said I was always cool with him and I was totally different from my friend. I used to wonder why he hung at my house and job all the time.  I just considered him being a cool person and a good friend.. Well he asked me out. He wants us to start dating. He feels that he will treat me like a Queen.  I am like NO.. You dated my friend, plus I refuse to go behind her. I don't care if it has been 14 years ago.. Me and her still talk to each other every once in awhile..

He thinks that I should put that past in the past.. He says white people do it all the time.. I am like NO.. I am not desperate to stoop to that level.. No one is not gonna call me and start shyt with me.. I am remaining neutral.. I told him we can go to lunch or out for drinks.. But NEVER will those lines be CROSSED.. I think I hurt his feelings, but oh well he will get over it...

What is wrong with this picture? Do people not know the meaning of don't cross that line..? 

Then something else has me kinda eerie.. I found one of my family members that I haven't seen in FOREVER...  So when I saw him on facebook, I was happy to see him.. Why is it  that he said something to me that got me saying (come on dude) get a grip.. He said he really wish he wasn't my cousin.. He has found himself attracted to me. WTF? Note we aren't close kin but he still comes to my mother side of the family reunions..  I noticed the other week when I saw him, I gave him a big hug and he didn't want to let go.. Heck he didn't even want to leave my house.. I didn't think nothing of it. I knew that we haven't seen each other in years..  

I tell you people are walking around with some BIG ole Balls... 

I just got to SMH and walk around looking at people side ways.. 

Yada Yada Yada....

This is just a day was just another day... This weather is getting the best of me.. I am not sure how to dress.. The rain is making me lazy.. I just haven't been in a good mood either.. So this entry is just  random rambles.. My life there isn't much excitement.. A lot of nonsense though...

Today starts off bad.. I didn't get much sleep last night, because my weather radio kept going off. So I didn't get back to sleep until around 4.. I had to get back up at 5.. Bammm  I ended up over sleeping. Get to work late and so much went wrong.. I just pray that it will work out in the morning..I just don't want to hear anybodies mouth.. I will totally get ethnic if I do.. Hell we as humans makes mistakes... Also druggie didn't come to work again because she had to go to the Police office to give a statement.. I didn't know it would take all day long to do that.. I still don't know why she has a job... 

When I got home, I just knew I was going to take a nap.. Time I got to sleep.. The phone rings.. I just can't get sleep during the day.. Then the storms started kicking in.. I am so fearful of those things.. I hate that I am but it stems from a childhood event..  I got mad cause I kept calling my doctors office to make a appointment for Friday... Well I never got a hold of them... I guess everyone is sick right now.. So I guess I am going to call 1st thing in the morning.. I really need something to be done with these knots under my arm... They keep popping up.. They tell me to lay off the caffeine.. Shoot it is hard when you work where I work..

I am also going to take another break from blogging. I am getting to the point where, I just don't care to do it..  As I said before.. My life is kinda boring right now.. So I know I am boring my readers.. I mostly do it to release my thoughts.. Then I go back a months to years later to see if any changes happened in my life.. 

I am really hating the mood I've been in lately... I just wish me and heaven can get some time together soon.. I need my escape.. He just been busy doing things with family and work.. So I guess this mood might fade or I can get it taken cared of soon...  

The Truth Never Hurt Anybody... Not me anyway...

Today I became fed up with a lot of things.. When I feel that I am being lied to.. It came make me become really angry... Over the last few years, I have put up with some people where truth is hard for them to tell me. I know from experiences when I person lies to me.. I have became used to it.

Well the guy that I met a few months back via Facebook and Friends.. (he happens to know a lot of people I know personally)... We hit it off right off the bat.. He seems to be cool. I also see him as a good friend.. As I stated before, I am not looking for a relationship at this time. I am still trying to find out what will make me happy... Anyhoo.. When we started hanging out and chatting.. I asked him a few questions that I always ask a man...

1. Are you married or been married?
2. Do you have kids?
3. Where do you work?
4. What are your likes and dislikes?
5. If you are single, do you live with anyone?

He had answered "NO" to all the above. So I was like cool.. I live with my mother right now... I work a lot, but I don't like too.. Also I don't drive at this time, still trying to save to get a car.. I also love my family and friends... I like to hangout with them as much as possible...  I laid all my stuff on the line.. It is no reason for me to lie or fake the funky.. The "TRUTH" always come out in the long run... 

A few weeks had passed.. I started noticing things.. He told me he works 2 jobs.. So I was like since we don't get to see each other much.. Why don't you call me when you get off work.? He never called.. He went out one night.. I again asked him to call when he got in the house.. I even asked him since I was in his town, may I come over..  This man told me no to coming over.. He also "NEVER" calls me when he is at home.. It always while he is working or in his car.. 

So you know me.. I am like this fool lives with someone.. So I started asking him over and over to be HONEST with me.. So you know most men.. He is starting to think I am crazy.. I don't think I am though.. See he is talking like he wants to get to know me.. He is even acting like he wants a relationship... So before I fall for this cat.. I want to know the TRUTH.. 

Tonight I asked him to call me.. He never did,.. He just sent a text.. I told him you better tell me right now.. I am tired of this guessing game.. DO YOU LIVE WITH SOMEONE?  He finally told the TRUTH.. (at least he wants me to think that). He tells me he lives with his Aunt.. I was like ok.. What was so hard about that? I still believe there is something else to this.. Why living with your Aunt equals to you can't call me from your house?  I WANT THE TRUTH DAMN IT....

I am just as confused as Alice in Wonderland...

I fight EVERYDAY of my life to fight away my temptations.. The thoughts that run in my head, I am sometimes so afraid to share with ANYONE.. I find myself going into a world that only I can control.. I've been dealing with oh I don't know how long. So it just becomes a part of me. I go into my secret world on the daily. I get pleasure from it. I go to that place where there is nothing but extreme pleasure. It is the perfect world for me. Just cause my reality sometimes get the best of me.

What is so funny about the whole thing is..(don't think I am crazy because I really don't feel that way) When I try to bring it into reality, I am not happy with it.. I don't get it.. I like women, I have tried to be with women. I guess this is why I never really fully came out.  In my fantasy world it is all wonderful.. Everything is just happy, happy, happy..

A few years ago, After me and MC broke up one time.. I approached this woman that I messed around with time to time. I am not going to say mess around.. It was like a friendship that sometimes went a little deeper. I asked her to be my girl. She agreed, so there it was.. I was dating her.. Keeping it to myself.. I didn't want anyone to know. Everyone that saw us didn't think anything.. We hung out a lot so they knew we were friends.. A few weeks pasted and I was about SICK of it.. It was like I felt disgusted. I didn't want to be near her. I didn't even want to touch her.. Heck.. I didn't even call her in a few days.. I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with her.. (it was an WTH moment)... I couldn't handle the shame I felt.. I couldn't deal with others finding out about it.. It was just too much stress on my part..

I started sheltering myself. I isolated myself and even became more anti-social than I already am. I didn't want to deal with people altogether.. I started back going into little world again.. The place where I like and I know that my worries are of someone else's...

It has been times that I wanted the female touch.. Then there are times where it makes me sick to my stomach.. I tell you this girl got some serious issues... I am now at the point to where I want to find out what is really going on. I tried talking to someone about it. They tell me it is suppressed feelings.. It stems from the fact that I care what others would think of me.. It comes down to where I was raised and the moral issue of it all.. I don't think that is the case.  Hell I don't know what in the hell it is.. I just know I am living a confused LIFE...

Just this pasted Saturday.. I went out with my friend girls.. She is actually a friend of my sister's  We call her Diva.. She is so cool and her spirit is sorta like mines.. We like to have fun and drink.. I see a lot of myself in her.. Back when I was her age I was so full of life... Well she is in a Lesbian relationship.. So I decided to hang out with her...  Well we goes to the spot.. It is a gay hole in the wall..It is cool.. I just have a problem looking at the men.. There are some fine men in there that shakes their ass better than I do.. lol

Right now we all know how the Gay community is suffering with all this bullying going on in schools and internet.. It is like being Gay in America is worst than being Black in America.. What is up with that? So at times I think this is why I am having these anxieties... Growing up I always knew I had a problem.. Then when I started watching my sister grow up.. I knew that she was.. Although I am still a prissy and so full of myself..  So what does keep me together is the fact that I see my sister living her life the way she wants. She struggled herself so many years.. She lived a lie just so everyone else would be pleased.. When she came out.. She really did struggle.. For awhile her mother was so disappointed.. My dad nearly flipped but always thought she was..She was even shunned out of her church...

So once I finish finding myself.. I will no longer have to escape into my fantasy world.. I will be able to live life to the fullest..  I will be able to know what it is I want.. I can go on in life and know that I will be ok..  I believe this is why I haven't gotten into another relationship with a man.. I love men.. I love sex with men.. I just don't think I connect well with men.. Only time I do is when we are just FRIENDS nothing else nothing more.... So who knows what road I am going to turn.. I just wish I can stop being so freaking confused by my feelings...

It is just something about her...

I know from time to time, I might post one of my female crushes on here... I remember back in uhmmmm like 2007 on Yahoo 360 that I posted a list of my female crushes.. I really wish I still have some of that work saved...  I had about 15 of them.. My number one person was not seen by everyone.  They didn't really agree with me.. I frankly didn't care, because it is something about her..

She puts me in a trance every time I see her on the Television.  Her smile, her bubbly personality, even her warm caramel skin.  Watching her interviews and even when she is in a movie. She is really what I call the "Black Beauty"..  I like how she carries herself too.. Have you just saw someone that you would love to be around because it seems that their vibe is so down to earth.. I know I don't know this woman personally, but I would hate to think she is not what she portrays herself to be..

This woman that has had my eye ever since Baby Boy is no other than..... Tarjai P. Henson..

I truly adore her...

Why? ( a random Post)

I am at the point to where I got a lot of changes to be made.. I just trying to keep my head up and stay in my happy place.. I just hate being pushed on the daily..  I am still trying to understand why I let people push my buttons.. 

Just the other day.. My ex.. I swear he is on some shyt right now.. I think he is a lonely human being.. I already don't trust him. He has a track record with me. It seems he is always trying to hit up my friends.. It was a point and time where he was trying to screw one of my friends.. Well anyhoo.. I tried to remain friends with person. We were friends before we dated..   One day logging on to Facebook, I get about 5 messages from some of my female friends on my list.. (this is why my list is blocked to this day)... They were fussing about why in the hell is he trying to add them.. See they know our issue..  So I kindly told him, my friends are NOT your friends.. So you know he gets mad.. He feels that it is the web.. But I told him he must lost sight of what Facebook was about.. I told him they don't like him.. So he agreed and said that he would back off.. Low and Behold.. The bastard did it again..  Going around waiting to see who post to my statuses.. What in Da Hell?  This is becoming embarrassing. My friends are starting to ask questions again...  I tell you.. If you can't find your own friends then you have a problem.. 

I just got a text from another busta... "It was it is OVER.." I looked at it all funny and what not.. I was like when was it EVER anything..  I mean dude we are friends.. If you feel the need to end our friendship, shoot go right ahead.. Ise don't care.. One less person to irk my nerves.. I am like come on get serious, grow some balls...

See I hate that people try to push me.. I don't think that I am going to change my views or my actions. I just wish they stop thinking that I am going to do so.. 

 I am moody.. I am a smart-ass (when I want to be).. I also treat people the way they treat me.. I will never be a push over.. I tell you what I like, and if you can't handle it.. Then oh well.. Move on...

Looking out the window, things can look pretty.. The other side never see how broken the glass is...

Today I was watching Oprah. She had Tyler Perry on the show. He put all his truths out there. I hate to hear stories like this. I feel no child should be abused emotionally, physically, or sexually... A child needs to be loved and cared for. These such events can really change a child's life. Just like Mr. Perry said, that child died when he was young. You tend to loose the person who your were. You try to become something more.. In order to survive you have too..

For me I don't have much of a recollection  of my childhood.. I know I told my mother about it a few weeks ago and it made her really sad. She said all kids should remember some of their childhood... I don't and it upsets me that I don't. The things that I do remember are little things mostly whoppings and getting my hair braided.. I even told my mother I don't even remember her growing up...  It was always me and my Granny..
When it comes to my pre teens.. I know all to well those horrors..

I can go back to at least the age of 8 or 9.. I remember doing things that a child my age shouldn't even know existed.. I was masturbating... WTF I had a brush that was pink at the handle and I remember I used to go in the bathroom every chance I got.. Why is this part of my childhood I remember most?

 I remember talking to my childhood friend about a year ago.. She remembers the things that I did. She told me that she has forgiven me.. I was looking at her all clueless, because to this day.. I don't know exactly what I did to her... All I remember is that she moved and I never saw her again until I was graduating high school.. I never saw her again to ask her what it was..

Then when my pre teens came. I looked like I was around 16to 18.. I was 11 or 12 and tall.. I was fully developed. I was assaulted by my best friend's bother.. He made me feel good and bad at the same time. See I do remember growing up, my self esteem was shot to hell.. I always thought I was ugly because of my height. I always hatted that I had these big ole breast too..  Soon after that event they moved and nothing was never really done about it. All my grandmother would say is Pray on it.. I think this is why I really am not a religious person..

I wanted my mother back then. She always provided for me. She was always a hard worker.. My thing was when she did have free time, it wasn't really with me. She dated this man. He was a good man though.. He took me to school everyday.. I would always have one hell of a birthday or Christmas. My mother and him made sure of it.  It was just that at night my mother didn't stay with us. She stayed with her man.. It would be me and my grandmother at the house... My grandmother was a strict old woman.. She loved me and I know she just wanted what was best for me. I just needed and wanting my mother to give me some type of direction. My grandmother was all that Old School type of raising.. She didn't understand the change of the times.. See this was the mid 80's... She was still stuck in the 60's when she was raising my mother and them...

I have always wanted to be NORMAL.. I never truly felt that I was.. See even during this time, I started noticing that females turned me on. I had crushes on young boys and such.. I just knew in the back of my mind a female got me aroused. I never been aroused by the looks of a man's penis.. It has always been the looks of a womans beautiful smile, body and thighs.  Don't get me wrong, if I am feeling the man.. It is not until he touches me a certain way or even insert his thing in me, I get aroused..  So for years and years, I kept this secret.. A few of my friends would always say things to me about how they felt I had those tendencies..  I would always deny them.. Cause I never wanted anyone to know.. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and not cool..  It was not until I saw the girl of my dreams.. She was a friend of mine back in Middle School.. Yall have heard me talk about her before.. (so I am not going to go into that)... It was her that made me feel the need to let it out. I finally had someone to talk to about how I felt. It was so rejuvenating..  Never knowing her story and what she went through..So we were there for one another... I stopped feeling that I wasn't normal...

After all that, I made sure I told the guys I got serious with that I was on the Bi side.. Some approved, some didn't care for it. So there again, I was feeling less that normal.. So I became the freaky hood chick.. I mean I was doing it all.. I became labeled.. I met this guy he was a little older than me. I felt that he was my on my level.. I really did love him.. Until he turned me into something that I don't even want to tell you all.. I feel this is where my life changed... I was out there searching for something.. I wanted to be loved.. I wanted to feel wanted.. I always felt that I wasn't loved by no one. Not even family..

I happened to met a man that I thought had it ALL.. He was single, good job, and he was raising his son. I ended up with him. I thought finally my life is going to be normal.. Well it was for awhile. Then he became abusive.. He shut me out from my friends and family. He even found out about my secret. My world came crashing down on me when I lost the baby that we would have shared. I was happy but that happy didn't last forever...

So for years I lived in my misery. I was in and out of relationships.. I would find any means for attention.. I even did things I hate I've done to this date. I became sheltered.. I would stay in the house just not to deal with the outside. The only time I did go anywhere was just to go to work. I was ashamed and having the labels that some put out there about me was wearing me down..  I was broken.. I hated myself so much..  I always wanted to know the reasons as to why my life was going the way that it was.. I questioned myself as to what I did to people to deserve the type of treatment and events that happened...

Things to this day still haunt me.. I have put a lot of it behind me. I even blocked most of it out of my memory.. I see what Tyler said today about being FREE.. It was just last year when I broke free from all my hurts.. As I say I am in my happy place.. I can no longer let my past hinder me from living.

See for years I showed everyone I came in contact with that everything was ok. My life was a good life.. Little did these people know, behind my smiles was a woman that was broken.. A woman that was confused.. A woman who lived her life with so many questions... Thank God that I am now able to live life, and stop having my past live me...

I believe in Jesus.. Really I do...

I have noticed that this certain woman that comes in my place of work is always talking to me about Jesus. I have been nice to the lady and never fussed with her. She has always gave me pamphlets and cd's. She wants me to read the pamphlets and call her to discuss whats in it.

She has giving me her number a few times. She says that I am a good person and she wants to lead me to Jesus.. I am looking at her like she is about crazy. I know that it is the Christian thing to do. You know lead people to Christ.. I have no problem with that. My problem is her constant harassment. I have told her I know Jesus.. I know my Bible, but in no forms am I religious.. I am a Spiritual Human.. I believe God loves everyone. I believe as long as I know right from wrong. I pray and believe in his higher power.. I am doing what is expected of me.

Just today she sent me a card with the SAME booklet in it.. it says..

"Tracy, I would really love to talk with you about the things in the little booklet.. We never have enough time to talk when I am in there shopping. I know that the people on your job with no share your info with me.  I want to take you to lunch sometimes so we can talk... I would also love for you to call me sometimes so we can share words. I would love to pray with you. I will also love to tell you about Jesus.. So please call me so we can set up a place and time."

This right here creeps me out so much. I don't understand, WHY ME? She thinks that I am such a sweet and lovely person.. Do I have the devil written all over my face or something. She is really pushing me to my end..

I love Jesus.. I know Jesus... I have my own personal relationship with him...

What a Weekend.. Fill with Booze, Fun, and even stupid.. (crap)

This weekend has to go down in the books as one of the best I've had in a VERY long time.. I celebrated my birthday with lots of fun.. It also had a few down too.. I am just thankful I made it to another year... Thank you Jesus...

I stayed over my cousin's house for the weekend.. I know that was my best bet to enjoy my Birthday. It seems that my cousin had a better time than at first.. Then I got it cracking... We went to see my favorite band downtown. I love that group.. I swear I got to make it more often.. I was grooving.. Also the guy that I met a few weeks back, came to celebrate with me. He was also throwing out the doe... :) He made sure I was going to enjoy my birthday.. After the band we left and met up with a few more friends at this bar and grill I like. That's when the party got started right. I love how that dj mixes up the music.. He has new music, Old School, and Phil Collins.. LOL  Then me and my friend that I met.. I tell you I don't know if  I was drunk or I am really feeling him.. We made some type of connection.. We were kissing up a freaking storm.. It was weird, because I look at him as the quiet type that doesn't make the 1st move... Yet he did.. (he is a VERY good kisser too) We were having such a good time until booooooooooooooom.. My cousins boyfriend called. I swear this relationship of hers is starting to really wreck my nerves.. She had to leave cause she had to go pick him up... Ughhhhhhhh..
So got back to her house and by this time I was really pissed.. Up until my phone rings and it was someone I really had been thinking about.. He came over and sat up with me.. We ended up talking until 8 something that morning... The rest of the day became a blur.. I was sleeping off and on all day...

Well Saturday night was cool.. We went to this little hole in a wall.. I didn't like it there much because of the music and the kids. You know those young folks and that Gucci Mane music.. So we stayed there long enough to have a few drinks.. I was also in the presence of my cousins friend.. Dang that woman is cute as a button.. I couldn't keep my eyes off her... So then we went off to my favorite Strip Club.. Club Money.. I tell you that I don't like to pay to get in, but if you are the type that loves to see Beautiful, Nicely Shaped Women,  plus a few of them does some awesome tricks..It is one woman that I swear I would be so nervous around. She is beautiful, thick thighs, thick booty, and boobies.. You should have saw all that money she was carrying around.. Men were make it rain on her like it was no tomorrow.. I see why she is there most of the time...  I even had to throw her a couple of dollars...(don't get me wrong, I feel that sometimes strip clubs are degrading to women..) I just love the atmosphere there.. Plus there are A LOT of security in that place.
Then Boooooooooooooooom my cousins boyfriend got kicked out.. She left with him but refused to answer her phone so me and the others after 30 minutes left out. He pissed me off so bad.. I kept asking her why in the hell she remains with this damn child.

Then came back home yesterday to spend time with my family from NC... I enjoyed this weekend and I can not wait until next year that I can do it all again.. Well not exactly wait until next year to have a good time but my birthday is always on point...,...

It's my Birthday... (tomorrow)

Yea Yea Yea... This time tomorrow I will be celebrating 35 years of my life. I thank God for everyday that I live. People always laugh at me. I am one of those people who thinks your Birthday is just as special as Christmas.  I see a lot of folks complain about how old they are etc etc.. Well I tell you  I love it.. I love being able to say I am getting older. It are a lot of folks who aren't so lucky.

I also take time off for work to celebrate. To me I need that time off. People at work call me the Queen.. They never saw someone make a Big Deal about their Birthday..

Today I started getting myself geared up for tomorrow. My job had a Banquet for years in service awards... See me, I've been on my job for 15 years.. The food was great and I am glad that I went.

Well tomorrow is that big day.. I hope it all comes out as planned.. Going Downtown to hear my favorite local band.. Then off to Club Money to see my FAVORITE stripper..  Then after that who knows.. I just going to enjoy it no matter what  I end up doing...

Imma Changing....

Have you ever been just tired of BEING nice.. Have you ever been tired of BEING the happy go lucky  person... Well I am .. It is not that I am in a pissed mood are anything.. I AM JUST FREAKIN TIRED OF EVERYONES MOUTH... I seriously want people to SHUT THE F UP...

Part of it starts with my Job.. Everyone is so UPTIGHT.. We are going through something there. We basically have to run the store with less hours to give.. So we are doing work for more than one person.. So when the other employees doesn't get hours, they are fussing.. The ones who got hours are fussing.. Then their are those who NEEDS to be fired and they are still there..  They just need to understand.. EVERYONE can't get their way.. We win some or we lose some. I wish they just get the hell over it...

Then it comes to these people with THEIR judgmental views... It is sad that someone can not live in the world and live their lives the way they see fit.. I sit back and look and say, why are you worried it that person is gay... Growing up I was taught that love everyone no matter what. Even it these people make you mad, just pray for them.. (heck I have been doing a lot of praying)...Me being a Bi-Sexual woman and My sister being a Lesbian. I take all this recent attacks on the LBGT  community to heart..  I love all people, even if I don't agree with their views... I am tired of these kids being bullied and killed. I still say that ignorance is one of the reasons My Timmy is not here with me now...

Lately I am having people tell me how I should live my life. They are telling me the things that I need to do.. Well I say F yall too.. Why is MY LIFE so important to these cats..? I believe they are seeing that I am living a happy life and they want to put salt in it. I just don't get it.. These are people whose life aren't so great, and I have always been their for them.. They are just not liking my "NEW" attitude.. Yea I am in my HAPPY place.. I am having a great time.. I am in that place because I stopped WORRYING about people. I STOPPED doing for people.  I am DOING me and I have no care in the world..

I am doing exactly what that graphic says above.... Ya Digg... :)

I call him "My Heaven"...

Have you just ever met someone that is a breath of fresh air... Someone who you believe truly understands you.. I swear that we have the coolest friendship.. I know that at one point it was some bumps in the road. It was just things that he was going through made him become so distant... Now since that is all behind us.. We been kicking it once again... It is not like before though.. It has been a little more of a deeper connection..

It has nothing to do with our physical chemistry... I knew from the 1st time I saw him as a grown man.. I was attracted to him. When we look at each other is was like MAN.. We did all that other stuff.. It was wonderful that is about how he got the title "My Heaven".. But since we had that brief time apart... Not only did we miss each other, we became more open.. We talk more and he seems to feel more comfortable talking to me about things...

I just can't describe how he makes me feel. I don't even know how to say the words either... We did say, well I said that I didn't want anything more than just a friendship with him.. Then just the other day, I didn't feel all that well. He came and just laid beside me and held me. I tell you I haven't had that in a long time. It became to the point where I was just a little upset when he left. Him just holding me gave me so much pleasure than having sex with him. He said, "I just wanted to come and check on you.. I wanted to make your day.. " I tell you having him him and him just holding me.. I felt really special..

"My Heaven" isn't perfect.. He is still a work in progress.. Other people might slander his name.. I just know that he might be many things to other people.. I just know he makes me feel alive.. He makes me smile.. He even keeps me comfortable when I am down.. I am glad to know him.. I am happy to have him as my friend...

I just wish I can keep him around, just to hold me and talk to me. It would be nice if at night I go to bed, I would have my friend laying right beside me.. I truly feel that he needs to be there...

Don't give what you can.. Give what I ask for... Paying money to go to Church...

Today a lady from the church that my uncle attends stopped by they house to give out flyers...   I was listening to what she was saying. I didn't say much I basically smiled and took the flyer.. Cause from the jump I was about to flip. She said Donations is 20 dollars. "WHAT?"  So when the lady left, I sat down and read the flyer...

It was a flyer for their Pastor's Anniversary..  It stated to please where RED if you are going to attend.. It also said "Donations 20 dollars at the door"... I was like she was correct... Twenty dollars to go to church.. I never in my life.  I believe in giving to the church. I don't believe it is ethical to tell someone how MUCH you want them to give.. That is like charging at the door.. I am no member of this church and I feel iffy about this..

I talked to my mother and she was saying they said donations.. I go on and on to tell my mother what donations mean... It is to give what you can.. At this rate 20 dollars can break me.. That is my lunch money for the week.. I said God knows my heart and my Soul..

Another reason this got me.. Is that they just built this church two years ago.. Their pastor has a nice car.. Then some of the members that I know is always hollering BROKE.. Even a few had check writing problems.. They were bouncing check from left to right.. I know a few of them.. I have witness that some of them never had money problems until they joined that church.

All in all I thought that was rather tacky to put that on the flyer.. I think they should have put donations would be accepted or donations are welcome.. I think by them putting that on the flyer makes someone not want to go to church.. If I won't pay 20 to get into the club.. Why would I give 20 to go to church..

Maybe their heart was in the right place.. I just don't know what would make them put such a thing on there... I can sit at home and get the word.. I can turn to Gospel network and hear some of my favorite Gospel singers.. I just don't see myself going to church to see a pastor that I not to keen on.. Also to give them 20 of my dollars...


See why I remain Spiritual and not Religious...

Fear of what is to become....

"Fear is the highest fence.  ~Dudley Nichols"




This quote is so true... I live in fear.. It is my defense mechanism.. I fear of what is to become of my life. I have found myself the last few years of keeping myself from getting hurt. When I need to reflect on life I shut down everyone else out. 


I also hold a lot of my emotions and concerns to myself. I really see  what my future may be like and what I have seen, It doesn't look to good. I pray that it won't end that way. Only God holds it in his hands.  I remember a few weeks ago telling my mother, she might out live me. She totally flipped out. She was like stop thinking like that. 


I try not to think that way.. Yet what do you do..? I don't truly want to live my life a lone.  I am living in my happy place but still I feel like I am going to die a lonely soul. This is one fear that scares me so much. I have even set aside insurance that will pay for me to live in a retirement/rest home. Some say that right now that would be a waste of money. I looking into the future and I truly want to be prepared... I don't believe that I am going to have anyone to be here for me, if I take ill. 


If I live to see my golden years, I don't want to be in a state to where I can't take care of myself. I don't want to depend on no one.. I want to keep living my independent life. 


 I remember back when my Granny was living. When she took really ill. She developed dementia. I saw she had to depend on us more. It became a burden to my mother.. Although my moms didn't mind. It was to the point where she worked a full time job, then came home to work another full time with my granny.. After my Granny had 3 strokes back to back and having epilepsy too.. She was living partially paralyzed. 


I would hear my mother cry to God at night. It was a lot of stress and it seems that her other brothers and sister didn't want to help out. It wore my mother down.. So I always said if I ever get to that point, I don't want to be a burden on my friends and family. 


So I will continue to live in the "NOW"..  So when this time comes..I won't be to fearful to face it....

If liking you is wrong... I don't wanna be right...

I changed the words to the song.. Mainly because I am not ready for love... I am hiding from it.. Love is something that is beautiful but it also causes so much pain.. I've been living in my happy place and I just am not ready to change it... I am having an awesome time LOVING myself..

It is been a guy that I have talked about on here.. I have mentioned him a few times. He makes me mad a lot but hey I am not in a relationship with him and don't really want to be in one with him either.  He has a lot of mess with him. Overall he is a nice guy, friendly, funny, and has an good attitude.  So this what makes me like him. I think that looking into his eyes I just melt. I have noticed that I am weak around him too..

I like him and he knows it.. He is really feeling me and I know it too.. So you might say, why not get into a relationship with him.. NOT.. I don't want to mess up the feeling that I have with him.

We had a talk last night.. I think all the other stuff that keeps us apart, might be coming to an end.. I am not going to hold my breath. We will see what happens when it happens.. So for right now.. I like him.. I like hanging with him.. I am enjoying it...

Try to do something Positive... Then it turns out.. Negative...

I saw a lot of my friends on Facebook changing their pictures to give Awareness to Breast Cancer Month.. So the picture that you see above is me giving my contribute. I know it is kinda sexy, but I think what better picture to use. I am showing that I love my breast.  Since I posted that picture above, it's been hell on Facebook.
I think I should have put it under my other account. I didn't think this picture would cause a world wind of comments via messages.

I had guys that barely say anything to me say something. I had some that was asking why did  I put the picture up. Was it  just to tease them. The funniest one was from my ex.. "You just posted that picture to get back at me for leaving you"... WTFH? I was like do they not see that it has the Breast Cancer  ribbon on it.. It also states "Love your Boobies"...

I understand that people are visuals beings.. I didn't mean for anyone to get any ideas.. I was just trying to be positive and show people that I support Breast Cancer Research... Those crazy men turned it into something way beyond. It's funny is that these people know I have ample about of breast.. I have worn clothes that revealed more that what that picture shows.. So why me posting a picture on Facebook, cause so much uncalled for comments...

Can we Talk?

It's been months and I can say I miss my sisterhood... We had some good times together, but as it goes.. Good things don't last always.  I never thought in a million of years that ONE man could change everything. See me and the girls got together almost once a month and we had a party.. It was at first just a small group of us. You know the ones that are always together. Then this man comes along and changed everything.

I am happy for one of my girlfriends. I don't care for her choices, but if she feels happy oh well.. This man has made me not even want to step foot in her house. I try to keep positivity around me. I try to be my free spirit and  happy self. It is hard when you feel you are being watched by some creature...  He is the type of guy who is so jealous of his girlfriend friendships. He tried everything to destroy it.. I tell you he has succeed. I didn't want that to be the case. I felt I had no other choice.

I want to sit down and get my group of girls together and just talk. I've want her to know that it isn't that we abandoned her. We just can't deal with the disrespect and the fact that he is so young. What can this man do with 30 something year old women and men..? He is not over 21 as of yet. We have told her we don't feel comfortable around him.

She feels that we are wrong. She feels like we should accept her choices in life. She wants us to respect her choices..  I have, I don't bad mouth that sorry ass, ugly muthafudrucker to her face.. I still call her and we talk about other things.. I don't want to loose the friendship and the bond we have over this young nig... Me and the other girls are just outside looking in.. We only see what is visible.. I don't know what goes on when we aren't around.. We don't know how he treats her.. We just go by what she says and what we saw...

I just don't see how a woman can still forgive a man that wrecks your car, curses you out, and don't want you to interact with your friends.. Yet he checks her phone calls.. He calls back numbers of the last person she talks too..  I remember after he wrecked her car.. She said.. They have good times together.. We only been around when the bad stuff happens.. So we need to lay off him.. So yes this is what I did.. I wish her all the luck in the world..

I just want to say Girlfriend, can we get together and talk....
.. You know this is what friends are for.. We are each others shoulder...

All we need is Love..

Watching the recent events on the news... Where is all this lack of love and respect coming from? When is it ever ok to hurt a child? When is it ever ok to bully someone? When is it being different such a bad thing? My heart bleeds cries with all this. I just don't understand...

I hate for anyone to lose a life just because of their race, sexuality, economical issues. I believe that love wins in the end.. I just wish more people learn how to love.. I wish that more people spread it.. If we all respected and love one another, I believe that none of this would even been happening...

I hate that someone can not live the way they want to. So what if someone is Gay or Bisexual. They aren't hurting anyone. They are living their lives. I hate that some of the young teens are feeling like they have no one to talk to.. I hate that some  have resorted to killing themselves. All because the choose to love someone of the same sex. It doesn't make them bad people.

A person life is the most precious thing. How a person chose to live their life is up to them. I look back on what all has happened. I think about when Tim was growing up. I knew that he was going to be homosexual growing up. I would see how people would pick on him. It even resorted him to quiting High School.. It was so many people just constantly giving him hell. Me being the Big Cousin, they learned how to respect him.  If one person said something about him, I defended him. I just hate that he cried so many night because of people not accepting the person he was.. He was a very smart, loving, and caring person. I didn't even see why people gave him such a hard time.

 People are so cruel and vicious. I can't wait until the day when we can live in a world that everyone is accepted. I can wait for the day when the people who causes people the feel left out get their day...

Receive Love, Accept Love, Give love....