I am just as confused as Alice in Wonderland...

I fight EVERYDAY of my life to fight away my temptations.. The thoughts that run in my head, I am sometimes so afraid to share with ANYONE.. I find myself going into a world that only I can control.. I've been dealing with oh I don't know how long. So it just becomes a part of me. I go into my secret world on the daily. I get pleasure from it. I go to that place where there is nothing but extreme pleasure. It is the perfect world for me. Just cause my reality sometimes get the best of me.

What is so funny about the whole thing is..(don't think I am crazy because I really don't feel that way) When I try to bring it into reality, I am not happy with it.. I don't get it.. I like women, I have tried to be with women. I guess this is why I never really fully came out.  In my fantasy world it is all wonderful.. Everything is just happy, happy, happy..

A few years ago, After me and MC broke up one time.. I approached this woman that I messed around with time to time. I am not going to say mess around.. It was like a friendship that sometimes went a little deeper. I asked her to be my girl. She agreed, so there it was.. I was dating her.. Keeping it to myself.. I didn't want anyone to know. Everyone that saw us didn't think anything.. We hung out a lot so they knew we were friends.. A few weeks pasted and I was about SICK of it.. It was like I felt disgusted. I didn't want to be near her. I didn't even want to touch her.. Heck.. I didn't even call her in a few days.. I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with her.. (it was an WTH moment)... I couldn't handle the shame I felt.. I couldn't deal with others finding out about it.. It was just too much stress on my part..

I started sheltering myself. I isolated myself and even became more anti-social than I already am. I didn't want to deal with people altogether.. I started back going into little world again.. The place where I like and I know that my worries are of someone else's...

It has been times that I wanted the female touch.. Then there are times where it makes me sick to my stomach.. I tell you this girl got some serious issues... I am now at the point to where I want to find out what is really going on. I tried talking to someone about it. They tell me it is suppressed feelings.. It stems from the fact that I care what others would think of me.. It comes down to where I was raised and the moral issue of it all.. I don't think that is the case.  Hell I don't know what in the hell it is.. I just know I am living a confused LIFE...

Just this pasted Saturday.. I went out with my friend girls.. She is actually a friend of my sister's  We call her Diva.. She is so cool and her spirit is sorta like mines.. We like to have fun and drink.. I see a lot of myself in her.. Back when I was her age I was so full of life... Well she is in a Lesbian relationship.. So I decided to hang out with her...  Well we goes to the spot.. It is a gay hole in the wall..It is cool.. I just have a problem looking at the men.. There are some fine men in there that shakes their ass better than I do.. lol

Right now we all know how the Gay community is suffering with all this bullying going on in schools and internet.. It is like being Gay in America is worst than being Black in America.. What is up with that? So at times I think this is why I am having these anxieties... Growing up I always knew I had a problem.. Then when I started watching my sister grow up.. I knew that she was.. Although I am still a prissy and so full of myself..  So what does keep me together is the fact that I see my sister living her life the way she wants. She struggled herself so many years.. She lived a lie just so everyone else would be pleased.. When she came out.. She really did struggle.. For awhile her mother was so disappointed.. My dad nearly flipped but always thought she was..She was even shunned out of her church...

So once I finish finding myself.. I will no longer have to escape into my fantasy world.. I will be able to live life to the fullest..  I will be able to know what it is I want.. I can go on in life and know that I will be ok..  I believe this is why I haven't gotten into another relationship with a man.. I love men.. I love sex with men.. I just don't think I connect well with men.. Only time I do is when we are just FRIENDS nothing else nothing more.... So who knows what road I am going to turn.. I just wish I can stop being so freaking confused by my feelings...