Fear of what is to become....

"Fear is the highest fence.  ~Dudley Nichols"




This quote is so true... I live in fear.. It is my defense mechanism.. I fear of what is to become of my life. I have found myself the last few years of keeping myself from getting hurt. When I need to reflect on life I shut down everyone else out. 


I also hold a lot of my emotions and concerns to myself. I really see  what my future may be like and what I have seen, It doesn't look to good. I pray that it won't end that way. Only God holds it in his hands.  I remember a few weeks ago telling my mother, she might out live me. She totally flipped out. She was like stop thinking like that. 


I try not to think that way.. Yet what do you do..? I don't truly want to live my life a lone.  I am living in my happy place but still I feel like I am going to die a lonely soul. This is one fear that scares me so much. I have even set aside insurance that will pay for me to live in a retirement/rest home. Some say that right now that would be a waste of money. I looking into the future and I truly want to be prepared... I don't believe that I am going to have anyone to be here for me, if I take ill. 


If I live to see my golden years, I don't want to be in a state to where I can't take care of myself. I don't want to depend on no one.. I want to keep living my independent life. 


 I remember back when my Granny was living. When she took really ill. She developed dementia. I saw she had to depend on us more. It became a burden to my mother.. Although my moms didn't mind. It was to the point where she worked a full time job, then came home to work another full time with my granny.. After my Granny had 3 strokes back to back and having epilepsy too.. She was living partially paralyzed. 


I would hear my mother cry to God at night. It was a lot of stress and it seems that her other brothers and sister didn't want to help out. It wore my mother down.. So I always said if I ever get to that point, I don't want to be a burden on my friends and family. 


So I will continue to live in the "NOW"..  So when this time comes..I won't be to fearful to face it....