Self-Worth... something that I had to learn...

My sister has a few of her friends post our opinions about certain topics like a group blog. It is over there on facebook.  It had be thinking and I asked her not to use my name because MANY people on her page might not know.  I did feel the need to post what I wrote over here on my blogger page.

You might say why in the world would you post this to the public anyway. You told your sister not to post your name. Then you come across and post it to the world over here.. Well my real name will not and has not been in the mix to much over here..LOL

Here is what I wrote. I started thinking back on how I had to learn my worth... It was a long process, I am getting there. I also have my days.. I'm taking it one day at a time...


Discovering your Self-Worth...

I am just now learning this. I don't believe I got the memo back when I was growing up. I grew up fast and learned a lot on my own. I had one of those parents that really didn't talk much about certain things.  All I know I wanted to be loved and wanted by someone.  I had parents that loved me don't get that twisted. I just needed something else. I was the only child and I felt lonely.

 

I wanted to fit in the crowd. I wanted everyone to like me. So believe me I did things that no one on earth would know just by looking at me. I felt if I did those things then I would get all the love I wanted in the world.  Boy was I wrong. I started hearing things about myself from other people. So all the while I am thinking it was an all about me world. Those words hurt. So I started thinking that was who I was.  I started being the person everyone thought I was. I felt that was the only way I would get attention.

 

I tell you those things to this day still haunts me. So I shut my self out from the world so to speak. I barely talk to people. I was once a chipper person with a golden attitude. Now it has became a fear of all people.  You know it was bad when a person would say my name. Then everybody had to put their 2 cents in...  It came to where my world was crumbling down, when someone I loved heard those things. It didn't tear the relationship down. It didn't help it either. It became a rocky one after that.

 

So I began to think I wasn't worth anything. I felt I could never be happy because of what my name stood for. People who I thought cared for me and loved me changed everything. I felt like a worthless piece of crap for a long time. I ended up giving up hope. It even got to a point where I wondered why was I put on this earth. I still have yet to find my purpose in life.

 

It was just last year when I finally learned my self worth. It took 15 years to regain the respect for myself. I had to hit rock bottom. I had to loose a lot of friends to get to this point. I had to put my past behind me and continue to live in this world. I had to start putting my Big Girl Draws on and face it. I am not what others think of me. I am who I am because I love me. I never knew how much loving yourself would give you a bigger vaildation. I no longer need anyone or anything to let me know my self worth. I wake up every morning and look at a priceless gem in the mirrior.  I came a long way baby.. I love myself, a love my family, and I don't need no one else to make me feel other wise.

 

 

 

 

 

My Thoughts of Today... People are flat out crazy...

I've been paying a lot of attention lately to people in general. I am starting to wonder what is really going on. It seems like the older I get, the more I witness people my age just showing out. Is it in the water?

On the news the other day, A woman turned her mobile home into a strip club. It was kids that live there. A stripper pole and alcoholic beverage was found in the living room of the home. They said out of the 20 people there 8 of the were juvenile.  The economy is bad true enough. That is just not the way to go.


On the news today they said a man went to the grocery store and attack meat in the meat case. It was all because his grandmother wanted pot roast for dinner... All I had to do is shake my head.. What in the hell was he thinking? A new way to think of beating up meat...

I swear sometimes watching the news it is amusement to me. How and what are these people thinking?  People trying to take over the government and calling themselves Christians.  People are unhappy about others being able to afford health care.

Teachers messing with their students, police officers beating up homeless people.  I for one am not saying that I am perfectly sane. I just know some people need to think before they react.  Do they know how silly they look. I mean come on now.. I wish I was there when the guy was beating up the meat at the market.. I would have fell in the floor laughing...  Then again,  I wouldn't because he might would have stabbed me. You can never be too careful. People are crazy and they would flip at any giving moment.

Taking the time out for ME...

The last few weekends. I've been going out. I've been hanging with friends. I know in my current situation it is something that is good for me.  I am getting tired of laying my burdens on other folks. I am not in a happy state right now. So why spoil my friends fun. I don't like when people rain on my parade. So I don't want to be the one that does it to them.

I took yesterday off from work. I will not be back at work until Monday. So I am taking  this time to be by myself.   I don't know what state of mine I will be in once I come out this shell. I just know I need this time. I need to free up space in my mind. I have so much running through it right now.

I am also at the point to where.. I got to stop putting people before myself. It is my many issue right now. I am so tired of not being able to deal with my own problems because of everyone else.  All I want to say now is God, cover me.... Today he called to see how I was doing. Then when I refuse to talk to him. It seemed like he was trying to turn the blame on me.  I am like... Why would I talk to someone who is the reason of my depression?

It's weird that people don't truly understand one another. It is easy for some and hard for others. No one person is alike. Ok, you can get over love. You can move to the next one with no problem. Well for me.. It is not all that easy. Especially when your world revolved around them. So hey, give me time to get through it. I have to just work through my problems alone.

So this weekend, I am going to compile a list of what that can make me happy. I also going to make a list of what I will not tolerant next.

I'm going through some changes...

I was sitting here listening to Ledsi..  Her song song "Goin' through some changes". It could have not came on at a better time. I still going through my issues.  Yesterday was one hell of a day for me. I was so out of my (NEW) character. I promised myself that I wouldn't let things bother me anymore. I suppose to get over it.  I thought that I would be able to handle it.. Lord was I wrong. 

My high spirit went to the ground. I found out that MC is now in a relationship with someone. It is a person I've questioned him about awhile back. So I went to see when all of this could have taken placed.. I went to the BP page, his FB page... I don't believe she is on his Myspace page.. Yea I was stalkerish... I found some things that I didn't want to see.. This OLDER woman even calls him MC like I do.. How dare he let her do that?  She even has a son that is so close to MC's age.. WTFH?

It hurt like hell.. I played it off the best way I could. I told him how I felt about it. Well didn't tell him all.. I gotta keep my cool some kind of way.. Heck he will be reading this pretty soon anyway.  It took close to 3 years before he even acknowledged me as his girlfriend. It took him 4 years to show me to his family. Also to say I was a special person in his life. It took 5 years for him to say he loved me.  So when it only took this woman a few months to get this title I was furious.. Now note that started communicating last year (I think around September).. Just the beginning of this year, I saw where he said she was a special woman in his life..

What the FUCK was I? More and more I think about it.. I wasn't nothing to him. I was just a friend that he kicked with.. I was a person to talk to... I was just someone he screwed..   Hell I didn't work for this relationship for 6 HARD years.. I have nothing to show for it now but a freaking (BROKEN-HEART).. Yea I finally said it.. I am Heart-Broken.. I am upset.. I am dammit MAD... 

I tried to be a understanding woman. I tried to pretend that it doesn't bother me. I was doing all that to keep my sanity. Well all it was doing was bringing me down. Walking around with freaking fake smiles. Telling people that I am ok. Well I can no longer say that.. I am not ok.. I don't know if I will ever be..

Those good times, those memories, the long talks.  I lost myself into this man. My interest with women even came at a halt when I was with him. I felt like everything in the world was so much better, just because he was in it..  He was the one man I can say I ever loved. Too bad, he just couldn't love me the way I needed to be loved..

One day this hurt will soon fade.. Maybe soon, maybe later.. Who knows..!!! I still love that man.. Shyt Hell.... It never took me this long to get over anyone.. I do know I hope that he is happy.. I pray that the woman treats him good.. I also hope he finally knows what love is and how to love someone.. He wasn't too good at doing it with me... I wish you all the luck in the world MC....

(SMH) Shaking My Head...

I have so many questions in my head. It is giving me this form of the shakes.. How can a person sit and say they tell you everything. Then you have to go on the internet and find out something totally different... I am not getting it. I guess I will never get it.

I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I try helping people as much as I possibly can. So why don't anyone be open and up front with me? Hell if I know that is why I am shaking my head in disbelief.

I say this all the time. I am a GROWN ass woman.  Be upfront with me DAMN it. Now my whole day is spoiled. I am not going to get any rest until I am able to confront the person at hand. I am not mad at the situation.. I am mad that they couldn't love me enough to tell me what was going on. I am a person who don't like to be left in the dark. (I am nosy like that)..

Living with the Fear...

My mother tends to joke about this with me. She doesn't know why I am the way that I am. I seriously don't know myself as to why.  It is so many things that I want to do in life. I just live in the fear of it all. I know I am capable of doing so much. I just afraid to push ahead with it.  I don't know why I live like this.
See I want to move away. I am even afraid to do that.  Going to a new city and not knowing anyone. It could be a real devastation on my part.

I am so afraid of failure to the point, I won't do it because it may result into that. So I continue to stay in my comfort zone. You know, close to home, same job, and same friends.  I see the world move while I still sit back and watch.  I believe why I stay depressed a lot.

I believe that I have blocked so many blessings. When another come around, it might not even be meant for me.  I hold back on so much. I can't even find my true love just because of my fear of what everyone else would think. 

I know some of you would say... Mahogany, Grow the Hell Up... I even say that to myself sometimes. I had to act grown at an early age than most. So I wonder at times, did I just fear that. Not being able to just be a kid and let life take it course.  Was my upbringing misleading? I have so many questions to why I am the person I am.  Some say because I always got what I wanted. Now that I am older, things I want stay where they are.

I don't want to live in fear.  I want to live to my fullest potential. I just don't know how to get there.  I wish life was an easy button. LOL.. Maybe a magic eraser. It would be able to erase a lot of the things that hinder me. It has came to the point to where I shelter myself from the outside.  I want to break down those doors one day. One day soon.  Life is so short, I never know if I am going to see what the future holds. So I got to start living in the moment and stop being so damn afraid.

My Thought of the Day....... Bills, Bills, Bills....

I don't know what to say sometimes.. Bills can get out of hand. Especially when there hardly any funds to cover them.

It just seem that the price of things are so outrageous. I never thought to watch TV would cost you a grip. Cable runs around 70 dollars these days. Then the telephone is around 80. When you have them bundled then it will get you around 150 dollars a month.

I even noticed that Lights and Gas has risen to high for my taste. Who is benefiting from all these high prices. I know it is not me. I barely watch TV or use my lights. So why would it be over in the 200 dollar mark for it.

The insurance companies are tripping too. I don't even visit the doctors like I should. Heck I pay 47 dollars a week in that. I said this year I better start using what  I pay for. Heck on top of that the doctor bill is going to go up.  You still have to pay what the insurance won't.  I just don't get it.

I am not having such a hard time as I did in the past. I still don't have enough to really do what I want too.. Hoping that one day that lottery (when I do play) will pay off... I am tired of all these bills....

My Thought of the Day... We all go through something.. Sometimes..

As you all know last week was a trying week for me. I didn't know what to do and where to turn. I refuse to let this week be like the last. I am on my way to getting it.  I have noticed though (just by people's Facebook statuses) everyone is going through something. It might be just that time of year. 

Any storm a person goes through, Life can't be that bad.  Sure enough we all have those darkest moments where we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I believe though there are people out there that don't know how to make their lives happy. I am for one that used to be one of those people.  I truly didn't know what would make me happy. Until I finally came to the point that I could no longer lie to myself. Better yet lie to the people that care the most about me.  Holding stuff in can kill you. 

I became more of a listener too. I know that people always hear the things I am going through. I know that they had to be tired of it all. So when a person tells me that something is going on in their lives. I tend to listen without judgment. Who am I to look down on someone. 

Life can be good once you know, what it is you want out of life. We all want money and happiness. That is what makes life easier. I believe if everyone was happy there wouldn't be any problems in the world.  When things go wrong, it is a lesson. We have to struggle and find a way out. In the end we appreciate it more. Life is what you make it. So instead of dealing with all of it. You can talk to someone with a greater power. God listens to us. If you have some type of faith.. It will help you get through all those troubles.

I have been there.. I have live it.. Now I am so ready to enjoy it... Life

Had a WONDERFUL weekend.. I so deserved it...

 

It was a rough week for me. So when I did decided to hang out with my friends on Friday night.. I was more than happy... After dealing with work and then coming to the realization about myself. I needed to be with those who I am closest too.  Although I had to work Friday and Saturday.. I got by with no sleep and still had one helluva time. 

We had a seafood party. I mean SEAFOOD.. Crab Legs, Crawfish, Shrimp, Catfish, Hushpuppies,  and Salmon. I also made a punch. I think we also got really Tipsy.. We stayed up until I know around 4. I had to get back up cause I had to be at work. It felt good to just sit, eat, and shot the breeze. After I told them about the step I am getting ready to take. I was happy that they plan on supporting me 100% of the way.

After I got off work on Saturday, we did it all again.  It wasn't just Shrimp this time. We threw in some Steak..  I got even more busted than the night before. I believe it was because of no sleep and nothing to eat. I ended up texting one of my old friends. I had to ask him did he believe that I was a bad person. I hate I did that though. It became an hour long back and forth conversation. He was trying to tell me that a good man will one day come to me and love me the way I need to be loved. After hearing that I had to just say.. Goodnight, we will talk later.  (I didn't want to hear that mess).. It is getting so old.

I came home today. I am so restless. It is a good thing that I am off tomorrow. I really believe I am going to get some rest. We said, that it might happen all again come this weekend. I can't wait. It feels so good to get out.. I love my best friend.. I thank you so much.. My gray cloud turned to white clouds toward the end of the week. It was all because of the people I am most closest too...

My Thought of the Day.. Whatever.. I just don't care...

I went to my (second) daddy Father's Funeral today.  I've known this family for half of my life. I also dated/ friends to one of the family's closest family friend.  It is funny how the day progressed. I talked to him early in the day. He told me that he will not be alone. He is taking a very good friend along with him. Also that he will see me later.  I said ok.. You know. I am not thinking anything about it. I don't like him like that. We cool right now.. 

It seemed kinda funny when I was over the family house. I don't know if it was because they were in mourning or what.  My (second) dad didn't even act like himself. It has me worried about him right now. Well anyway my  friend got there. I spoke and acted like my normal self. It was for some reason I didn't like the vibe, but I was ok. Everyone was looking at me. Was they worried that I was going to flip or what. I don't know why because I don't care... They both were looking at me from time to time. I felt like I had something on my face. 

I wish people really understand that I am no longer the person I once was. If I was still in my twenties.. I might would have showed out. Now that I am older and really in my I don't Care mode.. It doesn't mean a hill of beans..  If that's why people that are close to me thought...  I don't care a rips ass about it...

My Thought of the Day.... Hopes & Dreams...

Make your Hopes and Dreams become a reality. I once thought that it would never be possible to have everything that you wished for yourself. I am still at the point of working on what I really want out of life. Yes, being in your mid-30's you would think one would have it together.  It just taking me a longer time to get in the place where I felt I needed to be to get it.

Never let anyone take your dreams from you. Dreams are what keeps us believing in God and ourselves. When you hold on to them and make them happen. The feeling can be so rewarding.. I have a lot on my list of dreams. I am going to make sure I get at least half of them. They aren't all that far fetched. If I keep believing and keep working on myself. The sky is the limit. If you want something so bad enough you are able to find your way to it.


So keep on believing. Keep God first,then anything is possible...

My Thoughts of the Day... When I go....

I was reading one of my friends status messages today on Facebook.  He was talking about how some people dress at funerals. He wants a gong and Apollo boos, if someone is dress inappropriately.    It had me thinking about how I want my remembrance delivered.  

I have told that to my family anyway. They really are not liking what I want to have.  First of all my family don't believe in cremation. They think burning my body is going to send me to hell.  I thought they were religious enough to know that My body holds my Soul.  My Soul leaves the body once I die.

I know that no one wants to think about the day that they die. I think it will be a little easier for the family to know how you want it to be done. It would be less pressure on the family all together. First of all, I want a 3 day celebration. People that are close to me, know I am a funny and crazy person. 

I don't want anyone to cry. Why cry? I feel that I will be in a better place. I want them to celebrate the person that I was. I never showed them my weaknesses, so I don't want them to morn me. Just be happy that they knew me.

So, it would fall on a Friday. I want a party. I mean drinks, food, music, and dancing. Hey that would be what I would be doing if I was still alive. 

Then that Saturday, I would like a BIG OLE BBQ. I want them to be in a backyard or a park putting ribs on the grill. I want to have my cousin Rickey to deep fry some fish.  See a family reunion type of deal. Have fun, play cards, shoot the breeze.  That night have a memorial in my honor. Candlelight, mellow music, Steak Dinner.. Something for the calm side of me. Have some friends read some of my favorite poetry. 

Sunday have Sunday services as usual. After church have them view my body. Have Robin (she can sang) singing Trouble of the World. I want my cousin Cedric to sing, Never would have made it.. The a choir to sing a up beat version of Amazing Grace.  After that is all said and done.. Have a Big Feast... I want them to enjoy a Soul Food meal...

I told my mother that is what I want. I also don't want to be buried in the ground. I want to be Cremated and then flown to the West Coast and drop my ashes in the sea... 

She turned and looked at me... "now who is going to pay for all this".......  My mother.. You gotta love her...

Just another thought.... Repeat offenders.

 

I was talking to one of my friends today. They told me about another mutual friend of ours.  They had said they got locked up over the weekend..  I am like "WHAT"!! They just got out a few weeks ago.   

Do you know of some people who seem that jail is all they know? I know sometimes people go for different reason.  I just don't know of people who go for every reason known to man almost. 

I really hate it for them. They are nice and has very good mannerism. I just wish that one day they can stay out of trouble.   

It makes me think that they truly believe that they are invincible.  You know your record stays with you the rest of your life. If you got locked up for it the 1st time. Why don't you learn from that lesson? I tell you, me personally, I couldn't go to jail. I would die if I can't do what I wanted to do.

My Thoughts of the Day.. Loving a Woman...

Yesterday I was thinking about a few things. What brought it to my attention was first reading a Blog.  Rippa's blog was talking about how the media is talking about why there is so many Black Single Women.  He touched a note about Black women should start dating other women or animals. Rippa is funny like that. He makes you think about a serious topic in a different light. 

Later in the evening I watched Desperate Housewives. Katherine started having dreams about her new roommate. As she was trying to kick the woman out of her house she confesses. Then when the show was about to end, they are in the bed together.

So I started thinking could this be? I have always been attracted to women. I just kept a lot of it to myself. Mainly because I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how my family would react to it. Although my family are so cool and understanding. I already feel that I have let them down in some ways. I don't want it to become a BIGGER issue.

Is it the reason behind all my unsuccessful relationships with men? I first noticed my attraction to women when I was 12 years old. In high school I secretly had a relationship with a girl until 3 years after high school.  It was a very loving and passionate relationship. Then when she felt that it was wrong she left me. Even stopped being a friend to me. I still love her. A lot of times I catch myself thinking of her.

I wonder am I being true to myself? I know I am one that tries so hard to make relationships work, even if I am not happy. It is not a sexual thing. I had enough of that no one (until now) really knows. I truly feel I need a woman's emotional embrace.  I don't want people to think this is just a phase that I might be going through. I have been living with this over 20 years. I learned the art of suppressing the feeling. Deep down inside it kills me.
I am starting to think it wasn't the men that drove me to feel like this.  I just understand that it wasn't what I was truly looking for. I wasn't being fair to them or myself. You just don't know How Many Times, I have asked God to deliver me from those feelings.  It upsets me that people are so hard on Gays& Lesbians. They deal with so much and then having to deal with the way people talk about them.

I still love men.  I still want that family. I just wonder where I suppose to turn. With whom is my heart going to lead me? I am so confused right now.  I just hope that one day my mind will be fully clear to know.