You can try to forgive.. It is that forgetting is the hardest...

I tried to forget the things that two individuals done to me.  It has been close to 8 years since this had happened. First of all the trust has never been regained.. To this day I haven't even begin to really open up to them again. I don't even like the company of one.

Me and my cousin are playing the game on Facebook. I am helping her do a catering job on Cafe World... Bam.. To my surprise it is my ex sending her a message on FB... See back years ago, I was dating a guy. I did like him a lot. I won't call it love but hey we were close (I thought so anyway).. Well the two of them started sneaking behind my back. Yea they were dating.. I kinda knew and had that gut feeling. I was waiting for the day it all came to light. This had went on for months. The two of them started acting funny with me. So one night she got mad at him. Me and him went out and she couldn't take it anymore. So she told me. I was more mad at the fact that it went on behind my back. You know I felt it, but I feel they should have told me.

Years later me and him became friends via FB.. I mean I have seen him a few times before FB.. It was his cousin that told me he was on FB. Like I said I forgave him. So happens he finds her on my friend's list and added her. He promised me years ago that he would never contact her again. He said it wasn't worth it.

Well I had logged on to her account for her. She wanted me to take the dishes off the stove.  I never snoop. It just so happened to showed the message to the side of the screen.. He was telling her how fine she was and  wanted to know did she know it. All that shyt just popped back up.. I mean seriously. I am really mad. I don't even know why though.. With them it was a sex thing. He had and is never going to leave the woman he is with now. They have kids and I believe he is married. See when he was cheating with US.. I didn't know he also had someone else.  I got played you are right. This was the 2nd time also from him.. We also dated in the mid 90's and he cheated on me then.

So people wonder why it is so hard for me to trust. I can't trust family, friends, even strangers.. I forgave the both of them. Hell I have forgave her more than once. She also did this to me before and after this one I am talking about now..  It is going to take time again to get this off my brain.. Damn, I am never logging back unto that account for her.. No telling what I will witness again..

Being Thankful... My Thanksgiving post....

I know I am kinda late on this. I just haven't been in my blogging mood lately.. I said now I know I need to post something at least.. I had that I go through these motions...

Thanksgiving Day.. It was ok. I had to work all week and plus Thanksgiving morning..  So I didn't even have to cook, that was a blessings.. Although I wish I hadda... I love my family...  It is just some I really hate being around. Especially those who don't even speak to me when I see them... We also have some honorary family members...  It is one I call "JESUS WALKS"... She always make every occasion in to a church sermon..  I understand praying before the meal.  I tell you we had church up in that building. We had singing, testimony, and a sermon.  She even caught an attitude with the parents who kids was running, talking, and walking in and out during the whole thing. That is when I caught my attitude. I wasn't in the best of moods after that. Everyone knows my stands of forced religion.  I also have a hard time believing that this woman is a CHRISTIAN..  She first caught the attitude, then she talks about everyone behind their back.. She thinks that she has a beamer that it is all about her, and she was dancing to the Cupid Shuffle.. LOL
She was even one that said not to be greedy and left out with 5 plates..

As far as that goes, I am thankful for my family. I love my close members that has always been apart of my life. I love my Mother, Auntie, and cousins.. I am thankful for another year in good health (sorta good) and the ability to live my life to the fullest. Having a job that I can go to.. Even though never have money to spend.. LOL

I am also thankful for my friends that have stood by me when I couldn't even stand  with myself..
We all have something to be thankful for and I am glad that I have my life..

Need a Release...

I don't know if this is because the lack of Sex I've been having or what.. My mind and body is going through some major crazy motions.. I never in my life felt like this until the last few months...

I am no long dealing with Heaven, because he just got to much shyt with him. I can never understand where he is coming from, so I walked away..

Now I no longer have a sex partner and I am about to flip my lids... I have my toys and what not, but I am getting sick of it.. I need body to body contact.. I never went this long since I was in my 20's when I was soul searching..

I was talking to my homegirl last night and I was telling her about my lack of sex..  She said she is going through the same thing herself.  She said she wants to meet someone that has the same drive as she does.. She is in a relationship that she isn't getting it as much and they are still in their 20's..
Now me on the other hand.. I am in my mid 30's and I am not ready to slow down... I just hate going through the point of trying to met and date all over again just to get some.. Damn it Heaven, I swear I can beat his ass right now...

I believe the older I get the worst my hormones are. I can be sitting and a random thought comes to mind and boom,  I am about to nut on myself.. I also can just be walking and the same thing happens again.. Just last night I was talking to someone via FB and he was saying things he been wanting to tell me the last few years.. I was so close to telling him to come to my house.. I mean it is getting that bad.. I try to remain hopeful and this should pass and I won't think no more about the need to feel some intimacy...


It seems that since my Sex Life is dry.. My body and mind is remaining overflowing with juices..  I need a release in my near future...

Commitments... Some people don't believe in them...

I don't know what is up with people being afraid of a simple commitment.. The other night I was talking to one of my friends.. I have noticed that he is really not big on long term relationships.. It seems when he get close to a woman he tends to try and end the relationship.. He said that his mother always told him NEVER put just one egg in the basket.. So to me that was the wrong thing for a mother to tell a son.. We have a hard time with men as it is..

Well it is a long the lines, You are not married, you don't have kids, and you have a good job.. You have no right to be trying to be tied down with just one woman.. Now I am looking O_o at him. What mother tells a son that? I see her saying something like "son you will know when the right woman comes along".. I see a father telling a son that...

Then here is my best friend.. Me and her was talking about people and their cheating ways..  Well anyhoo we know of someone that is always cheating on their mate. It seems they try their best to see how many people they can screw... When we get on them about it... It is always... Do you see any rings on my finger?  So we just tend to shrug...

What makes me even mad is those who cheat while married.. I don't get it... The age old question is why people cheat... We will never have the answers to that.. I don't know, but I feel like people need to learn something.. If you are afraid of commitment, don't get into a relationship.. If you feel you need to cheat, leave the relationship.. All these secrets, lies, and lack of trust, will lead a person to become bitter.

So it goes to show.. So having a ring doesn't mean a thing at all...

Am I cursed...?

I know this is strange even for me to write two entries in one night.. I was moved.. I mean seriously moved by the movie.. I finally got to see "For Colored Girls".. I know I read the book back when I was in High School. I wasn't all into books then. So I might have skimmed through the book, just to make sure I got it back to the Library.. Yet after watching the movie and it was so good.. I am going to actually BUY this book. I need to read it.

I swear in almost everyone of those Character's I saw me... I saw a little bit of myself.  The pain, the sadness, and even just my plain existence in this world.. What we as women have to endure. It doesn't make sense sometimes...

My curse is being a BLACK WOMAN in a world that we can never be too sure what to make of.. We are taught to be strong.. We are taught to stand by our own men, no matter what shyt he puts us through.. I think we are the ones who seek love more than any other human in this world. We had to become our own heros because some of the men lost their way.. We are ridiculed, shunned, abuse, yet we keep on keeping on.. I love that about us.. We show no signs of weakness until we are totally broken..  When we don't know our own self worth.. We become what statics says a angry, bitter, used up, ugly woman..  It hurt me just tonight, when I got home and was googling a picture for this post.. I was looking up Black Woman's Pain.. It was not so pleasant photos.. It was porn.. Why do most people look to us as sex objects, and not just a WOMAN.. A Queen is a woman that is treated with the up most respect and love.. What is really happening..?

We grow up thinking that we are sugar and spice and everything nice. At an early age we are to believe that one day our Prince Charming is going to come and sweep us off our feet. We are taught as women we are to get married and have babies..

One once said to me, you are not a woman. No man wants a woman who can not bare a child. You are cursed and you will never be a woman. So if I am not a woman, what am I?  I have been with child as of 3 times..  The 1st time I was a scared girl. I was still in school and I was afraid. I didn't want my life to be what I saw others to be..  In just a few weeks, I lost the baby. The baby I never known.. Then again I was with child. I knew I was pregnant, but when I found out the baby's father just went to jail. I was scared, I was constantly upset.. So one night in the cold ice storm (yea we had it bad one year) I left the house to go see an old friend. One thing let to another and I lost yet another baby in the front seat of the car. Then the last and final time right before the several doctors told me I could never care a child full term.. I lost another baby due to abuse.. It was physical, verbal, and mental abuse. The type that I had to go through, I don't wish on NO ONE. So I am childless. So am I a woman?

As a woman I have dealt with many types of men. I been with the nice, good, ugly, and the bad..  I just never thought that I would be here to this day lonely, sometimes unhappy, and with so much pinned up anger. I always told myself that I would never be a bitter woman. I always try to see the good in everyone. It even includes men.

At a early age I felt something kinda funny when it came to men. I rarely was around any, unless it was my cousins. My first heart break came from my best friend's brother. He did things to me I didn't understand. Some how that changed my world completely. I sought out love from men. Well back then it was boys but I know you all got the picture. I was in relationships after relationships. Even being in relationship with one and doing another one on the side. I was WILD and you would think how did  I pull this off.  I tell ya.. I was raised by my mother and my grandmother. My grandmother was old and my mother was the partying type.  I got away with a lot. I was sneaky.. I felt that even they didn't care. If your child is 16 and is staying out all night and calls home to say she isn't coming home.  When you got home, you would at least think to Fuss or be put on punishment.. Well not at my house.. I got fussed at but it was mostly, you are putting yourself out there to be a SLUT...

I was loving the touch of the man.. I felt that I was somebody because my milkshake brought all the boys to my yard.. Then I met him.. The wild and crazy man. The other man that again changed my way of thinking. I sorta felt I was finally in love. Well I was young, dumb, and so full of cum.. I did things that was way out of my character with him. To this day, well lets just say.. It is still being talked about.. I let this man influence me. At the time I didn't care.. I LOVED it.. I loved the way I was so needed.. I loved the way I had them call my name.. I am so glad I am passed that...

Then hooking up with the drug dealers, egotistic bastards, and right out playas..  I been used, abused, torn, and tortured... I allowed these men to come into my life and curse me.. I became NEEDY as some folks might say.. I needed a man....  I felt like a nobody with out one.. After all the mess I went through.. I started being a nurturer.. I made sure any man I was with had everything and anything he wanted.. I became looking for love in all the wrong places. See although I went through shyt.. I was still the bright smile to everyone.. No one knew my pain inside.. See growing up when you were always called ugly. Also called you greasy monkey because your mother wanted to put a curl in your head cause she just didn't have time everyday to do your hair.. I wanted for everyone to LOVE me.  So I became everything to everybody..

It is sad because in some ways I am still that. I carry my baggage. I never left it.. I feel that is what makes me.. See all the bad I went through has made me Stronger.. It has put me in the place I feel that I need to be... Do I still feel cursed.. Yes... Because of the baggage I will never fully be the person I once wanted to be. All the things I allowed people to do to me. Is what cause me not to fulfill my density..  As I said, when we are kids we are taught to have a family, the prince charming.. That storybook ending will never be mine.. That little girl fantasy died when I was 12...

So am I woman?  Yes.. I am a woman that has lived a life of ups, downs, and turn around's.. My life is a story.. It is made up of many chapters.. Some were good... Some I don't remember.. Of course some was bad.. I know that nothing will hinder me from being happy.. It is a portion of what I am made of. I have learned to live life.. I have learned that what glitters is not gold.. I am me.. I have been scorned.. I have been abused.. Like Whoopi said in Color purple.. "I'm Here"...

It is no more people stealing my joy away..

I can officially say I am ADDICTED...

I have noticed this just today.. I am officially addicted to Facebook.. I never thought that I would be. I join when it was all brand new and never really logged on.. Now a days I have noticed that I am on there ALL DAMN DAY.. This is the main reason why I don't blog much.. It is also the reason why I am now in my writers block. I can't even get my creative juices flowing because, I am playing those freaking games all the time.  I don't even socialize with many people on there.. So what is the freaking problem..

I tell you it first started off with me and Yoville. I wanted all the nice things in the house. I wanted to own as much as I possibly could. Then Farmville, I tell you that is what consumed a lot of my time on there. My farm now is so big to I can't even buy more land.. LOL.. Now here comes Cafe World.. I am so busy cooking and trying to open so many different recipes as I can.  I seriously need a life now..  As of last night I spent 6 hours completing a job on Cafe World. Then when I woke up this morning, my stupid ass started another one.. Damn...

I like Facebook and all cause I get to connect with people from my past, present, hell it is one I want in my future.. I also have tons of family and co workers on there too. I don't know what or where my world would be without Facebook now. I am being very entertained.

My only dislike about the whole site is the privacy and these people who are on this It is all about me... They are big and bad and no one better F with them... People trips me out on their status messages.... I gots to go and check my dishes....

Life.. Trying to live it the best way I know how...

I guess this is my week that I am venting and letting some things off my chest..  I am having so much time to think. I am not really happy about it. It is nothing I can really do..  It is that time of year where my Job does the hour cuts. So not being able to work much.. Not being able to go anywhere because the lack of money. It is becoming all too much for this sister.

I haven't talked much on this because it is something I alone have to deal with. I am not in the best of health either. Last month I was in and out of the doctor and I thought it was a waste of money. I am still suffering from it. The medication I am taking isn't working all that well. It is totally making me sicker I believe..  

I am just keeping my prayer line open.. I'm hoping  well I know I will make it out of this.. 

Then it comes to how to handle all the things that is going on.. They say God will not put anything on you that you can not bare.. Well I have been baring a lot.. On top of all my issues, it is people that lay on their issues on me. I try to always help others.. It has become a burden.. I am so far behind on myself that I kept putting people before me.. Now that I am this gone.. I can't even call those who got me in this. 

I try not to be bitter about things.. I am always hopeful and grateful to be at least still living..  Life is just so hard right now. The one thing I still have is my happiness.. It might not seem that way,I am but truly I can't ask for a better family.. It are those who are out here that can't even say that..

I am back at it with my writing.. It is a good release.. It is keeping me sane..

I love you all bunches...

Suffocating....

I can not Breath.. 

I feel that everything around me is closing in.. 

My brain in filled with thoughts that I can't shake away...

It is so much I want to release. I keep holding my breath in 

fear of feeling being hurt. 

I wish oh do I wish I could break free.. 

The thoughts are trapped. It is weighing me down..

I literally feel like I am walking with a plastic bag over my head. 

Not only are the thoughts keeping me from breathing peacefully...

It is what I am  living through. 

It is so hard when people rely on you. It is hard when you seem to be the rock

to so many people. They expect you to always be there in their time of need

I don't know and never really learned how I became this strong..

So I am continuing to pray in hopes that all this will come to an end.. 

Tracy, I just can't believe you are "SINGLE"....

I don't know what is wrong with people... Can a woman just be HAPPY by herself...   I swear people are starting to wreck my living nerves... My Co-workers, my friends, and even some strangers... When they ask, "Are you Married?" I say... "No"  Are you dating anyone? "No".. I just can't believe you are "SINGLE"...

This guy that I reconnected with kept saying this to me over the weekend.  Was going on and on about it. Telling me it is so strange. I am a good person.. I am nice looking and I can cook my ass off. He just don't understand why a man just can commit to me.. I don't know the answer to that just like he doesn't but it doesn't upset me one bit...


I am about tired of explaining myself. Do someone have to be in a relationship when they get a certain age? If so that is something my mother never told me about.. My mother is a single woman. She has been single for a few years now. She tells me, I have dated and came close to marriage so many times that I am just happy to be alive. She told me when it came to marriage, even my father ended up doing something to want her to break it off.

 I think the same has been in my life too.. I have been engaged twice and I am 35.. Once was with someone right after high school.. He gave me the ring and made me feel special.. He was a good man.. Then one day while at his house. I find something that belonged to a woman. Comes to find out, she was a young girl. She too was in High School.. I think she was a few years younger than me.. I was like o hell no.. This man was dating little girls.. He was like 19 and I was 17.. This girl had to be 15.. So I broke it off.  The next one was good until after I got the ring.. He became very very abusive. So I had to get out of that relationship too..

Then it goes to good old MC.. I just knew he was gonna pop the question to me.. We had a relationship of 6 years. Then after all that bullshyt.. The drainage, the wasted time, I am finally free from all that. As I keep saying, I am in my happy place.. So why people can't be happy for me? I just don't get it..  I will wear my SINGLE HOOD PROUD....

I love me some me... 

Tyler Perry... I don't care what anyone says... I love this man...

I have heard all kinds of stories about Mr. Perry..  I know that he has people criticizing him from left to right... I don't know why.. Just today I was reading a blog entry via Facebook.  He was saying how bad his movies are etc etc.. He feels that Mr. Perry should learn to make movies outside the box.

I don't think he should change.. It is what he does best. I don't feel that his movies is showing anything that we all ourselves have lived or seen. Isn't this what made him famous in the 1st place.

I haven't went to see For Color girls just yet.  I am waiting on the new new to rub off so I can sit back and enjoy the movie.. I am hearing that this is his best one yet. Then it is a slim few that doesn't like it and said it is like all his other movies.. I can say one thing.. I love his plays, I love his movies.. It was just one that I wasn't that happy with and that was The diary of a Mad Black woman.  I understood it, I just wasn't that fond of it. The play was so much better to me.

Mr. Tyler Perry is an awesome man for what I have saw. He is a giver and a humanitarian. He is also a Successful Black man that made it. Listening to him and watching him on the Oprah show.. Some people can have that type of life and never make it out. They end up on drugs, homeless, or dead.. He was a survivor of the ghetto and bad childhood. So whatever Mr. Perry wants to do.. Why do he have so many Naysayers...? I get a kick out of it.. I am also glad that he is not affected by it.. He keeps on doing his thing...

Mr. Tyler Perry, No matter what people say about you... I think you are one Awesome man....

My Observation... The difference between White and Black People...

I know that many people have written a blog about this subject... I agreed and some I disagreed with some.. As of last night... Things became more clear for me. So this has been something that has been on my mind all day today...  Today I broke down and said WHAT THE HECK I am going to go ahead at write this....

Now this is just my only day to day on how I observe the two races.... W will stand for White and B will stand for Black.. duh...

W: They will go to the club before 9 and get drunk and leave around 12...
B: Do not show up to the club until after 11 and get mad because the price has went up...

W: When they get drunk they are all lovey dovey and wants to grind on you (anybody).
B: Gets drunk wants to fight and gets mad if you look at them wrong..

W: Will talk your head off.. They mostly talk about themselves or their relationship..Especially Married women talk about their husbands all damn day..
B: Will talk about someone behind their back. Also white people, how a person is dressed, and how bad they are having it in life...

W: Will go out their way to prove you are wrong.
B: They are NEVER wrong because they heard it from so and so...

W: Will complain about the littlest things...
B:  Will complain about the big things...


These was just a few I think you get the point of it all.. We all are Human Being and we love one another. (at least we should) So at the end of the day we are still crazy in our own way...

Just going out for a little while makes a difference... :)

I wasn't planning on going anywhere tonight. My plans was to stay at home and watch the good movie line up on TvOne. Then my home girl Shay the one in the middle of the photo.. She was your sister's girl friend birthday is coming up and she wants us to come out and have a have few drinks...  Well we head on to Clemson.. My sister works at this bar and she was got off early..  So we stay there and ate some pizza and had some drinks..

I don't know what it is but I always get these drunk white girls always getting attached to me. So this woman was drunk out her mind dancing with me and spitting in my face.. I was like go on.. Her and her boyfriend was rapping every song that came on.. It was so funny I couldn't stop laughing...

Then we stayed around for a second or two... I can say I had a good time even though it was for about an hour or so... I always like being around people who can make fun just by going out for a few drinks....

I love you girls...

I CAN'T give anymore of me...

Yesterday I took the time to really get deep into myself.  It was something that I've been meaning to do as my process to stay in my Happy Place continues...  I had to block my communications to a few people.. I am even limiting who I will be chatting with via "social networks"...  I got to get to a better me.. I got to clear my head.. No distractions needed..

Sunday night I got a call from a former user... He used me.. It is that time of year.. See I would always fall back into his trap.. I used to care about this guy.. I mean A LOT if you all knew the things I went through and did for him.. Yall would have slapped me over and over until I got the clue..

His Birthday is coming up and you know what.. He wants me to show him how much I love him..  Every year he comes around during his Birthday and Christmas.. He spends a lot of time cause he knows how I feel about Birthday's and Christmas..  He thinks he is gonna get an ass off gifts and all the coochie he can get..  I learned last year... It was no way I was going to allow this to happen.. I was stupid, dumb, and naive to think this man was real anymore. Word got back to me once, "Ahh Mah will get me anything I ask for".. He would go to his friends and brag about how much I would give him. How I didn't everything he asked.. He would say, It is because she LOVES me..  To be honest folks.. I didn't love him.. It was mostly feeling sorry for his ass.. I am a sucker for a charity case..

One year I brought him a lot of gifts.. It was nice seeing the smile on his face.. When everyone came to me and say, "what did he get you?" I was really ashamed to say... NOTHING.. I mean even saying that brought tears to my eyes. I did more for him than I did myself. He is not the only man who has done this.. Out of all the men I've dated, only one ever brought me a Christmas gift.. It is only a few that went out the way for me... So after the Holiday's he would disappear.. I wouldn't hear from as much.. He wouldn't even come around.. See I allowed myself to put up with this shyt..

Well now I am done.. I am closed.. I can no longer give anymore of myself to anyone.. I am drained. I can't help NO ONE.. I am at a point where I am struggling with life, health, and money.. Where are all these people that I gave my time, my heart, and money too.. Like they are always... No where to be found...

It was a lesson learned...

Blah, Blah, Blah....

I am NOT in the Mood.. Seriously I am NOT in the Mood... I woke up this morning and I tell you.. Work is the last thing I wanna do.. I want to be alone.. I don't want to get out the bed, much less get out of my room... I hate when I go through these motions. I just feel that I can not offer anyone anything if I have this gloom over me.. I pray that the Lord be with me...