I swear in almost everyone of those Character's I saw me... I saw a little bit of myself. The pain, the sadness, and even just my plain existence in this world.. What we as women have to endure. It doesn't make sense sometimes...
My curse is being a BLACK WOMAN in a world that we can never be too sure what to make of.. We are taught to be strong.. We are taught to stand by our own men, no matter what shyt he puts us through.. I think we are the ones who seek love more than any other human in this world. We had to become our own heros because some of the men lost their way.. We are ridiculed, shunned, abuse, yet we keep on keeping on.. I love that about us.. We show no signs of weakness until we are totally broken.. When we don't know our own self worth.. We become what statics says a angry, bitter, used up, ugly woman.. It hurt me just tonight, when I got home and was googling a picture for this post.. I was looking up Black Woman's Pain.. It was not so pleasant photos.. It was porn.. Why do most people look to us as sex objects, and not just a WOMAN.. A Queen is a woman that is treated with the up most respect and love.. What is really happening..?
We grow up thinking that we are sugar and spice and everything nice. At an early age we are to believe that one day our Prince Charming is going to come and sweep us off our feet. We are taught as women we are to get married and have babies..
One once said to me, you are not a woman. No man wants a woman who can not bare a child. You are cursed and you will never be a woman. So if I am not a woman, what am I? I have been with child as of 3 times.. The 1st time I was a scared girl. I was still in school and I was afraid. I didn't want my life to be what I saw others to be.. In just a few weeks, I lost the baby. The baby I never known.. Then again I was with child. I knew I was pregnant, but when I found out the baby's father just went to jail. I was scared, I was constantly upset.. So one night in the cold ice storm (yea we had it bad one year) I left the house to go see an old friend. One thing let to another and I lost yet another baby in the front seat of the car. Then the last and final time right before the several doctors told me I could never care a child full term.. I lost another baby due to abuse.. It was physical, verbal, and mental abuse. The type that I had to go through, I don't wish on NO ONE. So I am childless. So am I a woman?
As a woman I have dealt with many types of men. I been with the nice, good, ugly, and the bad.. I just never thought that I would be here to this day lonely, sometimes unhappy, and with so much pinned up anger. I always told myself that I would never be a bitter woman. I always try to see the good in everyone. It even includes men.
At a early age I felt something kinda funny when it came to men. I rarely was around any, unless it was my cousins. My first heart break came from my best friend's brother. He did things to me I didn't understand. Some how that changed my world completely. I sought out love from men. Well back then it was boys but I know you all got the picture. I was in relationships after relationships. Even being in relationship with one and doing another one on the side. I was WILD and you would think how did I pull this off. I tell ya.. I was raised by my mother and my grandmother. My grandmother was old and my mother was the partying type. I got away with a lot. I was sneaky.. I felt that even they didn't care. If your child is 16 and is staying out all night and calls home to say she isn't coming home. When you got home, you would at least think to Fuss or be put on punishment.. Well not at my house.. I got fussed at but it was mostly, you are putting yourself out there to be a SLUT...
I was loving the touch of the man.. I felt that I was somebody because my milkshake brought all the boys to my yard.. Then I met him.. The wild and crazy man. The other man that again changed my way of thinking. I sorta felt I was finally in love. Well I was young, dumb, and so full of cum.. I did things that was way out of my character with him. To this day, well lets just say.. It is still being talked about.. I let this man influence me. At the time I didn't care.. I LOVED it.. I loved the way I was so needed.. I loved the way I had them call my name.. I am so glad I am passed that...
Then hooking up with the drug dealers, egotistic bastards, and right out playas.. I been used, abused, torn, and tortured... I allowed these men to come into my life and curse me.. I became NEEDY as some folks might say.. I needed a man.... I felt like a nobody with out one.. After all the mess I went through.. I started being a nurturer.. I made sure any man I was with had everything and anything he wanted.. I became looking for love in all the wrong places. See although I went through shyt.. I was still the bright smile to everyone.. No one knew my pain inside.. See growing up when you were always called ugly. Also called you greasy monkey because your mother wanted to put a curl in your head cause she just didn't have time everyday to do your hair.. I wanted for everyone to LOVE me. So I became everything to everybody..
It is sad because in some ways I am still that. I carry my baggage. I never left it.. I feel that is what makes me.. See all the bad I went through has made me Stronger.. It has put me in the place I feel that I need to be... Do I still feel cursed.. Yes... Because of the baggage I will never fully be the person I once wanted to be. All the things I allowed people to do to me. Is what cause me not to fulfill my density.. As I said, when we are kids we are taught to have a family, the prince charming.. That storybook ending will never be mine.. That little girl fantasy died when I was 12...
So am I woman? Yes.. I am a woman that has lived a life of ups, downs, and turn around's.. My life is a story.. It is made up of many chapters.. Some were good... Some I don't remember.. Of course some was bad.. I know that nothing will hinder me from being happy.. It is a portion of what I am made of. I have learned to live life.. I have learned that what glitters is not gold.. I am me.. I have been scorned.. I have been abused.. Like Whoopi said in Color purple.. "I'm Here"...
It is no more people stealing my joy away..
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