Our Issues...

We both (me and my Bestest) have some major issues that we both have to work on.. 

This is one of the reason why we are still in a stand still about taking our love and friendship further. We've been fighting this feeling for so long.  We both agree that our friendship is more important than anything. I believe that is why we are able to talk about our feelings. 

As I sit an think.. We are so much alike. Our mood swings, Our in search of ourselves.. 

He tells me that he doesn't want to lose me. I believe him.. Even on the days I want to knock the bat shyt hayal out of him...

It's been days that I have been so MEAN and Hateful toward him and he just ignore me. We even stop talking for a few days.. Then when we have calmed down, we talk like nothing ever happened.. 

I love that man.. I have for a very long time. It's just it becomes clearer everyday.. To have a friend that means so much to me is priceless.

Today me and his sister in law (my childhood friend) had talked about US.. She is so team US for some reason. She wants US to be together so bad.. I have to tell her when it is time, it will happen.. We aren't going to rush into anything. We were talking about how he is so crazy about me and how he loves everything about me. She was like Girl, that man has and still is trying to change his ways.. She said the change in him is due to him wanting to be a better man for me. 

It is so weird.. I told him that the song Think Out Loud is really us.. It was a point and time, I just looked at him as just another dude I know.. Then we became the BEST of Friends.. Now we are at the point to where we are so in love with one another but scared of what that Love can do to the both of us. So we got some work to do.. :)

I'm NOT STUPID.. By all means, I see the pattern..

Over the last year I have been tested in so many ways.. People already know how short tempered I am.. So for someone to try and test me, they just want an reaction out of me. 

I have been trying to change my ways and the devil still trying to keep his hold on me. 

One thing is the in an outs with a certain person. I know their habits and I have seen their pattern. Then they look to me like I am the dumb and doesn't have any sense. When in all it is them.. 

I get a text asking why I haven't responded to them.. HAHAHA! I have been the one texting and not getting a response.. smh..

Then I goes to call and get sent to voicemail.. 

I aint got time for this mess.. I am so over it. 

Then yesterday, I found a mice in my kitchen and if you know me.. I CAN STAND RATS OR ANYTHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A RAT..  I freaked out and I was so scared to go into the kitchen.. I didnt eat at all yesterday... I had called, text, the bestest and his arse didn't response until after I had already found someone to come move the stuff out the kitchen so I could bleach and sanitize everything to put down the traps..  That pissed me off too.. Because I am always there for him.. (about to be a change in that too).. I know I am too nice to people but that's just my nature.. I just don't understand how people can just treat someone that is good to them like crap shyt.. 

Anyhoo.. I am fed up and I thought I would share this with you all...

Have a wonderful Sunday!

Update: The Mouse is gone.. I am no longer freaked out.. Plus the Bestest phone was broke.. All good in the neighborhood now.. Well I havent seen the mouse  and I hope I scared and ran it away.. 

Is it possible to Love someone so much as to the point you don't want to be with them?

This has been a question pondering through my head.. 

As you know that me and my bestest has this deep love for one another. 

We have been there for one another for awhile now. 

Have our ups and downs.. We still manage to be each other comforter..

Then this question gets me. We are sorta toxic toward one another too.. You can feel our chemistry and the passion, yet we don't see eye to eye on things. So from time to time, we might misunderstand one other.. I will be thinking one thing and he will be thinking another. 

Today we had a long and very intense conversation. I know this man loves me.. This man tells me that all the time. What got me in this conversation was powerful... his words..

"I would not hurt you physically and I sure don't want to hurt you mentally. I love you more than you will understand and I want you to be happy. I will not make you happy at this point in my life. You mean a lot to me.. I am not mentally ready for a relationship with you.."

So it had me thinking that maybe we really aren't meant to be in a relationship..  Could we still love one another and never be with one another?  Do love has to always be in a relationship with one another.? Couldn't you love someone and not be with them.. I know people do it all the time, but what good is a love of a person when you can't share everyday together. 

I want more than anything for him to be happy. He has had his share of bad just as I have had.. 

So who knows what our future holds.. We don't know.. I do know that it has been a long time since I have felt love like this.. What makes it even more strange is it is from the very person that knows ALL ABOUT ME... They say Friends make the best lovers.. I am not sure.. In time it might be the best  for us. At this point I don't think so.. 

You know if we go further what if it doesn't work out.. Would we lose the friendship that we once had..?

Time will tell with us.. Right now, it feels good to know someone loves me enough to be honest about their heart...

A New Year!!! Let's see what's in store..

I know it's been a long minute.. Sorry about that.. I've just haven't been in the mood to publish anything. 

A new year is finally here.. I'm glad to see another year as always.. This year I will be turning 40... :( I can't believe it's been 10 years since I was 30.. So I have been doing a lot of reflections as of late. 

I am almost 40 and to say, I haven't accomplished anything that I am totally proud of. 

I am still at a job that I have been working for 21 years... I still home with mom, because of her illness.. I am still single.. with one prospect but he can't get right.. I am still childless... For some reasons I will not display on here...

Just the average Jane that works and comes home.. I have another blog that I talk about my boring life.  I posted on my facebook the other day how I need to find something to do. The ones that I call my friends, they are married with kids, have kids, or still partying.. I am not one who likes to party the way I once did. 

I am in the process of getting my life back on track. I am still in a spiritual journey that I am putting all my faith and worries in God's hands. I see that life with him is so much better than trusting in man. I also being trying to restore trust in people. 

The weight loss journey is about to start all over again. I pray that I will be able to succeed and keep it all off this time.. Also going to try and stop smoking.. They are raising my insurance an extra 125 a month just cause.. No one have that kind of money to blow.. Even if they did I am not sure they want to pay that much..