It's been a stressful few months...

I know I rarely come here and I apologized so much.. Well I have been battling depression, a cancer scare, and my mom dementia has gotten worse..

Back in June my Dr said I must get a mammogram and soon.. I didn't feel lumps or knots so I was like ain't nothing wrong with me and i got to keep looking after my mom. She has started becoming violent and it was hard keeping an aide. Also who is going to pay the bill.. Im broke and I don't work..
Well I got a biopsy and it came back to where they needed to remove breast tissue because it came back to having abnormal cells.. So while  I am hear recovering I decided to get on here to let you all know..

I miss those years when this blogging was the bomb...  Now as you all know this is for the birds...
I will always come back from time to time to let you know how things are.
I truly miss those I became close to over the years.. It is sad that Facebook and Twitter has really messed up the internet. I am always on there...

I wish I had something good to say...

I have lost my feel for blogging... I don't think many even read these things anymore... Facebook and Twitter is the blame for that, I think..

I wish that it was something good I could write you all about.. I am still in my feels.. I still feel alone and that no one is here for me. I try to remain positive but when I keep feeling like the road blocks are more constant I just keep losing hope. I cry daily and today I been crying all day long... I even had to walk away from Facebook because I see others living their lives and I am here not knowing where my next meal is going to come from.. It just makes me even more depressed...

Everyone keeps saying you gonna be Blessed one day.. Well I am already blessed but I need HELP..

Every road I go down it is a disappointment.. 

I know that it is hard being a caregiver for an elderly person, most of it is because this Government that we have refuse to help them. I went all avenues I knew of to try and get help for mom.. All have been denied.. Now, we would be able to get back on our feet if I go back to work..  Going back to work is impossible because the money I get would have to go to someone to sit with my mother. She has to have 24/7 care and all the programs I knew to get all gave a deny stamp... 

What I don't understand is Dementia not qualify as a disability? My mom has that, kidney disease, Seizures... She can not cook, comprehend, and take a bath without help.. 

I am just really trying to understand all this.. It is very hard.. 

I keep praying for a break.. Maybe this is God's way in keeping me humble....

One day I will have some good news.. I hope anyway.. 

This humdrum life I live....

Getting mom the help she needs.. Me wanting to go out and do things outside the home... I sometimes feel like my life is just humdrum and doing the daily routine is driving me INSANE...
I have found ways to get her on a schedule to where it is finally working.. However it is making me move on autopilot and man... I want something different to happen..

A couple of weeks ago I went out two weekends straight and I LOVED it... The only problem those who said they would stay with mom while I was out didn't do what needed to be done also acted like it was just a lot of trouble to deal with.. Talk about making me furious.. I don't understand.. When I have family members who say I am going to help you.. You would think that is what they will do.. NOT!

Then these dreams I keep having about this man is making me nuts as well.. See me and this guy have grown up together.. I know that he is bad for me and I am not really interested in his lifestyle but in this dream.. LORD! I want the dreams to stop anyway.. I am going on one year of celibacy (yay me, I did it) and I don't want any drastic changes in my life.. I am happy to say I have overcome my addiction.. So with that being said, I say NO to my dreams.. Don't need it or want it..

I have been trying to keep my distance from Facebook.. It seem that people on my friends list are angry or really in search of a relationship.. I know everyone have mood swings but dang... Is it really that bad.. I know for me it would be nice to be with someone outside talking to my mom all the time.. Yet, I don't have the time, energy, or patience to deal with someone else feelings and time.. I tell you since mom has needed my attention for the last year... I get guys asking me when I am going to make time for them. I am like..  UGH....

I have some much else I want to talk about put my finger tips are killing me right now.. LOL
Have a great day, Be Blessed...

My hiatus from Facebook..

This past Monday I said I would deactivate my Facebook if Clemson won..

I tell you their fans will irk the shyt out of you. I live about 15 miles away from there and their FANS are every where.. A lot of them in my family.. When they are winning that's all they talk about. So me being who I am I wanted them to lose.. It would have made my day.. LOL

Now they do have a great team and I am proud of their accomplishments but I tell you them FANS..

They will suck the life out of you. Then watching the news locally OMG... It's every 5 minutes of the news cast they are mentioning Clemson..

I grew up with my father loving them. Then my brother and a few cousins graduated from there.

Through out school most of my teachers went there as well.. (They were a bunch of airheads).. 

I deactivate my account but because a lot of my other accounts are link to them I had to re-activate.. I wasn't happy about that though.. Yet, I haven't read anything on other's timeline. I have even looked at my notifications..

They been having parades,.. Going crazy over the gear and packing out Wal-Mart just to take a picture with the trophy...

I don't think I have missed anything and I said I was going to be away for a month.

Since I haven't been on there I cleaned out my back yard.. I have been reading more..

So taking a break from from Facebook might be good.. 

Especially since I have been going through so much and my depression has been on overload.. I think that breaking away isn't causing me to be took off course..

Settled in....

I never thought that I would ever move out of my childhood home. So many memories...

Besides still going through it day by day.. I am finally settled in...  I think I am happy in this new place.. It is a step up from the old and so much space... I wanted and needed a bigger house and I finally got it.. It still is taking a little to get used to because I rarely in my bedroom like I once was.. (haven't had a lazy day in months)..

I am kinda scared of what my electric bill is going to look like. I'm barely making it as is.. I am hopeful though.. A way will be made some kind of way..

Mom is liking it. Her sleep patterns is so much better than it used to be. She occasionally wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom but as far as that, she is sleeping very well.

I pretty much have all my decorations in order.. My living room is Afrocentic and my Bathroom is too.. My bedroom is a little of Afro, Bohemian, and Glamour.. You can call it eclectic.. My kitchen is red and sunflowers... Mom's room is old country chic..

I hope to make this home a home that I can be comfortable in for a long time. So far it is..

Ready for a blessed and promising new year!!

In my thoughts: When Blogging was the IT thing...

I remember about hmmm, 10 years ago.. Blogging was it.. I had several websites and my own that I would just pick a topic and blog on.. It was the it thing.. You had something that was on your chest, and you blog it.. Now, it seems like just a fad that is passing away..
Yahoo 360, was so fun.. I had all kind of things I would blog about.. I truly hate that they took it away.. Those we the good old days... I used Typepad, I did Greymatter the whole nine.. It was so much fun..
We couldn't wait to see what I friend's post and what not. I met a few good people in my Blogging days.. I think they have been better friends than the ones I just run across on day to day basis.. I swear sometimes I miss this and then sometimes, I don't even feel like typing.. I always got excited when I was requested to do the blog challenges.. If gave me an idea on what to write. Now at times I get to the point to think of what.. I know this is my personal blog and I tend to talk about what goes on in my humdrum life. I know some of you all are like, really.. LOL
I said I was going to try my best this year to do better, I tend to say that every year... So I can only try.. I think the downfall to blogging is Facebook and Twitter.. You really don't have to write paragraphs anymore to express your thoughts and feelings.. You can just sum it up in a few sentences and that will be the end of it..

Oceans, Rivers, Lakes...

Oceans, River, Lakes…

How being used has gotten me this far…

All my life I have been a giver.. The only child I was spoiled rotten and pretty much got everything I needed and I guess wanted..  I had friends but they were family so it wasn’t like I was given the opportunity to just have friends outside of family..

Not until I got to I guess the 3^rd grade I ended up having friends.. I had one particular friend that I used to feel bad for. I think my mom sorta adopted her.. When my mom buy for me I would either ask her to buy for my friend or I would give my friend something of mine.  This went on until High School. Then after that we lost touch.. I still consider her as a friend but we rarely talk or see each other..

During those years I found myself taking always being the go to girl. If it was with friends or with Boyfriends.. I was the one always giving.. Just give give give.. It could been money, time, skills, even sex. It became addictive.. If I wanted their time, I knew what I had to do..  It seems like no one likes to be around me unless I were doing something for them.. (It might have been the case, but it sure did seem that way).. 

My 1^st Boyfriend… He liked me mainly because I would bring cakes and candy bars to our 4^th grade class..

My 2^nd Boyfriend… He liked me because He needed me to pass high school and after I started wanting time with him, he walked away because he didn’t want to really be in a relationship with me.. He never finished High School..

My 3^rd Boyfriend… Used me for sex.. I wouldn’t hear from him unless he wanted sex.. Then wouldn’t hear from him again until he was ready again..

My 4^th Boyfriend.. I paid his rent, I took care of his son, I gave him sex anytime he wanted, I cooked, washed his clothes… I left him when he started using me as a punching bag…

My 5^th Boyfriend… I was just used all the way around.. Money, Food, my Friends… He ended up sleeping with 3 of my friend girls I am no longer friends with…

My 6^th wasn’t even a Boyfriend yet it seemed like we were… I did EVERYTHING for this man.. EVERYTHING.. I have yet to hear from him…  SMH!

In all this I didn’t include MC.. I felt like he was my best boyfriend I ever had.. It was just I could never make him happy because he was looking for the Perfect Person with a Perfect Past… I know I am not that person..  So as you see why it is so hard for me to trust ANYONE… As of the last few months… When I was out of work and so forth.. Do you think I had anyone to have my back? NO! I had a few call and ask for money.. I have a few call and ask could I buy their groceries.. Yea, it’s me who is ALWAYS there for others..  Now, going through my health and my moms health (dementia) It has taken all my energy from me. I have no strength to get out of the bed half of the time. I know the last few years I haven’t been the best person… I have built up so much bitterness… All in the process of just trying to be a better me.. It has caused me to really shy away from folks.. I think I have an addiction to helping other until I have nothing but the truth that I shouldn’t have.

I’ve crossed Oceans, Rivers, and Lakes for others.. I don’t even get a puddle… I know I will be Blessed in years to come.. So I am not worried… I am just letting it be known, there is no more of me to give.. I am all out of resources, energy, and time..

Is it possible to Love someone so much as to the point you don't want to be with them?

This has been a question pondering through my head.. 

As you know that me and my bestest has this deep love for one another. 

We have been there for one another for awhile now. 

Have our ups and downs.. We still manage to be each other comforter..

Then this question gets me. We are sorta toxic toward one another too.. You can feel our chemistry and the passion, yet we don't see eye to eye on things. So from time to time, we might misunderstand one other.. I will be thinking one thing and he will be thinking another. 

Today we had a long and very intense conversation. I know this man loves me.. This man tells me that all the time. What got me in this conversation was powerful... his words..

"I would not hurt you physically and I sure don't want to hurt you mentally. I love you more than you will understand and I want you to be happy. I will not make you happy at this point in my life. You mean a lot to me.. I am not mentally ready for a relationship with you.."

So it had me thinking that maybe we really aren't meant to be in a relationship..  Could we still love one another and never be with one another?  Do love has to always be in a relationship with one another.? Couldn't you love someone and not be with them.. I know people do it all the time, but what good is a love of a person when you can't share everyday together. 

I want more than anything for him to be happy. He has had his share of bad just as I have had.. 

So who knows what our future holds.. We don't know.. I do know that it has been a long time since I have felt love like this.. What makes it even more strange is it is from the very person that knows ALL ABOUT ME... They say Friends make the best lovers.. I am not sure.. In time it might be the best  for us. At this point I don't think so.. 

You know if we go further what if it doesn't work out.. Would we lose the friendship that we once had..?

Time will tell with us.. Right now, it feels good to know someone loves me enough to be honest about their heart...

I figured it out!!!!!!!!

For awhile I was thinking it was me.. I was the reason for all my failed relationships.. Or why so many men see me as just a friend type person... 

I am partly the reason because of the men I attract.. Also the type of men I am attracted too..

See I have no qualms in being single.. I have to work hard and I also have to take care of my mother who is now in 1st level of Dementia.. Yes I haven't spoken on that because I really don't want anyone coming to my mother feeling sorry for her.. She is still strong willed, she just have some good and bad days..  So I think I was just looking for outside fulfillment to get me through the rough part. 

Well anyway the common words I always get from men is :You are too good for me: You are Heaven Sent: You deserve better:... So am I continually going for the wrong men.. YES!!

The light bulb  lit up after talking yesterday to an old internet friend.. He asked me what do I look for in a man (relationship) and what are the type of things I do in the relationship..

He said I all the qualities of a GOOD WOMAN and a GOOD Wife.. He said I just go for the wrong men. He said he doesn't understand how a person like me fall for the uneducated, crazy, temperamental, Childish men.. He said he has watched over the years the different types of men I've dated.. He asked me was I truly ready for relationships... I told him after he put that out there.. I am not quite sure. 

Then I talked to my Life Coach and how I told him about a few things that were bothering me yesterday.. It was my birthday and I tend to go all out with others. The only things I got from my Bestest was a call early in the morning singing Happy Birthday.. :(  I went all out for his.. He even promised to call me back later in the day... He did not.. I even got drunk and called him.. He didn't answer or did he even respond to my Facebook message.. He told me to let that go, squash it, and just do me.. Why am I still drawn to this type of pain.. I really don't know..

I was watching last week Fix My Life.. Another light bulb moment.. Brokenness attracts Brokenness.. I have said before I have Daddy Issues.. Me and my father are some what closer than we ever been once I got older..  Growing up I didn't have a bad childhood I was just one who had to grow up way earlier than most.. I was cooking full meals at 8 years of age.. I had to help my mother take care of my grandmother and when my mom worked I had to make sure my grandmother was set, fed, and cleaned.. 

Then I also have separation anxieties..  Everything I love the most tends to leave me.. I thank God my mom is still here though.. I am somewhat anti social but when I get around folks I feel comfortable around I am good.. I sometimes feel at ease with strangers than I do people I know the most.. That way they don't know the pain and struggle I have on day to day life..

Besides all the emotions I was going through yesterday on my Birthday.. I can say it turned out to be pretty decent.. I got money, cards, balloons, hugs, kisses, and a dinner.. The most important thing was to still be here to share it with those who love and care for me deeply.. I will be having a few friends over on Friday.. :)

Take a Look in the Mirror and don't walk away until you fall in love with yourself!!

This morning talking to one of my friend guys.. He was asking me what was really going on in my life. He had been getting signals from my Facebook Statuses and he wasn't happy about it. I gave him the run down and he said this...
"u don't love yourself enough bc u keep allowing yourself to be hurt from the same type of situation...remember people don't change they just become more of who they really are! So go stand in front of your mirror and don't move until you fall in love with the person u see in it....."

This got to me, because I am one who always say I love myself daily.. I truly believe I love myself. So this got me to question myself.. Do I really?

I think that I am a ok looking woman.. I work hard to provide for myself. I am a loving person. I help people when I can. I don't ask for much. I live day by day with optimism.. So where am I failing? I don't think that I am a failure... I try to live my life right..

I just want to feel.. I want to feel LOVE.. I want to feel WANTED.. I want to feel BELONG to.. I don't think that is not Loving myself. Yes, I have allowed people to continue to hurt me. I think that is cause I am easily to get hurt. I play strong but I am so into my emotions anything can trigger that.

It's a process everyday to learning how to give myself props. I haven't hurt anyone in my lifetime as I know of. So I will never say it is Karma. I just believe when I LOVE someone I LOVE them. Getting over the hurt and pain always seem to live longer than the relationship.. It's the reasons behind it, I believe.. I am a good person. I give my honesty, my Loyalty, and all the respect in the relationship. I am starting to believe it is ME..I has to be. People LOVE me only in spurts. I said this before and I am going to say this again.. I am not CUT out for this. Even though deep down inside I crave it..

So I am going to work on How to Love me More... I must have lost the memo on it..
Have a great and wonderful Sunday.. It is beautiful here in SC..

It doesn't matter anymore...

Happy October Folks... I hope all is well for each and every one of you.  You know I normally give this big Hoopla about my Birthday every year.. Well this year I am keeping it low key and laid back.. I think I am the only one who has ever made a "BIG DEAL" about birthday's anyway. It seems no one around me really gives a rip about birthday's...

This years is the 1st year in a LONG TIME that I will not be doing anything..  Yes, I am kinda disappointed but you know... I am a big girl and I will get over it.. People tell me.. It's just another day.. So I guess I better get used to it.  It was a few things I wanted to do to celebrate. It looks like I will be doing alone. 

I have shut so many people out of my life.. I thought I did what was best for me. I had to remove myself from the negative folks in my life. Since I did that over a year ago.. I have found myself ALONE. Then those who I would allow in my life.. I am afraid to because of my trust issues. I believe no one around me would have my best interest at hand. 

It's so weird... This time last year, I was having the time of my life. I felt that everything was looking up in my favor.. I was also in love. I was extremely happy.. I am still Happy.. I might not be the jumping up and shinning happy.. I am more on the thankful happy.. I am happy to see another year alive... I thank God for that..  

So as I see another year.. I accept things and people that I can not change.. 

So I am accepting this lonely life I am leading.. I'm relying on God.. I have too.. I believe if I don't will truly go crazy.. 

So come Monday... I will be a 37 year old woman... Older and wiser... 

My Happy SINGLE Awareness Day.......

I didn't think today was going to be a good day for me.. You know everyone is ALL so MUSHY.. I took it is stride though.. I got a Happy Valentine's Day Text from Heaven.. I also had a few other friends do the same.. They know I never celebrate the day... The last Valentine I did was back in elementary school..  So  I thank them and made the best of it...

I don't knock anyone down about being in Love.. Love is such a wonderful thing when you are with the right person.. I caught all kind of crap when I posted a status on Facebook about Love Fades.. It is the truth.. Someone can love you for years and that ends.. You get tired.. I know I did.. Love always turned to hate on my part..

I called a few friends and wish them the same.. They all are going out tonight to celebrate with their mates.. So I sit here at home thinking and also pampering myself.. I gave myself a facial and a pedicure.. I took the time out to do something for ME.. I LOVE ME so much that I had to do something for myself.. Since right now my life is in such a bind and money is so short.  This is the part that has been getting me down lately.. I don't have money to do anything anymore.. I do know next month.. I am going out of town and I am going to enjoy myself..

My cousin  (my daughter) she brought me some flowers by the house.. I thought that was sweet of her.. She said that I am her Valentine.. I almost shed a few tears, but I held it back.. It is nice to feel LOVED.. It is nice to feel you are on someone's mind.. I appreciated that very much Missy..

I am off the rest of the week because I got jury duty..  Something I was praying that I wouldn't get. So I am taking this week off to be good to myself.. I will also get to see Heaven on Wednesday..  I am loving that and I can't wait.. I hope that everything goes the way it should...

So to all the Single folks out here.. Happy Single Awareness Day...!!!! It isn't so bad...  To all the Lovers in the world.. Happy Valentine's Day to you... I hope that this will continue on and on...

I just Love me so ME...............

A New Year....

Here comes a New Year.. A time that everyone start fresh.. They make resolutions that most don't keep.. Thanking the Lord above for making it another year.. It is a blessing to make it to another year.. For me anyway.. I never thought I would still be standing here in my right mind...

I am not going to make a bunch of sayings that I am going to do this and I am going to do that.. Nine out of ten.. I might not even do one.. I have gotten so complacent in life. Every time I try  to make a change.. I always fall back into all over again... So I am not making any promises.. Let's just say... I am going to try my best.. That is all I can do.. I am going to try to live better.. I am going to try and make better decisions when it come to my Health, My finances, My Educations, and my Social and Personal life..


I suppose to hang out with my friend's and Heaven tomorrow night... My friend is having a house party to bring in the New Year.. Let's hope that turns good... Until Next Year....

Happy New Year...

Life.. Trying to live it the best way I know how...

I guess this is my week that I am venting and letting some things off my chest..  I am having so much time to think. I am not really happy about it. It is nothing I can really do..  It is that time of year where my Job does the hour cuts. So not being able to work much.. Not being able to go anywhere because the lack of money. It is becoming all too much for this sister.

I haven't talked much on this because it is something I alone have to deal with. I am not in the best of health either. Last month I was in and out of the doctor and I thought it was a waste of money. I am still suffering from it. The medication I am taking isn't working all that well. It is totally making me sicker I believe..  

I am just keeping my prayer line open.. I'm hoping  well I know I will make it out of this.. 

Then it comes to how to handle all the things that is going on.. They say God will not put anything on you that you can not bare.. Well I have been baring a lot.. On top of all my issues, it is people that lay on their issues on me. I try to always help others.. It has become a burden.. I am so far behind on myself that I kept putting people before me.. Now that I am this gone.. I can't even call those who got me in this. 

I try not to be bitter about things.. I am always hopeful and grateful to be at least still living..  Life is just so hard right now. The one thing I still have is my happiness.. It might not seem that way,I am but truly I can't ask for a better family.. It are those who are out here that can't even say that..

I am back at it with my writing.. It is a good release.. It is keeping me sane..

I love you all bunches...

All we need is Love..

Watching the recent events on the news... Where is all this lack of love and respect coming from? When is it ever ok to hurt a child? When is it ever ok to bully someone? When is it being different such a bad thing? My heart bleeds cries with all this. I just don't understand...

I hate for anyone to lose a life just because of their race, sexuality, economical issues. I believe that love wins in the end.. I just wish more people learn how to love.. I wish that more people spread it.. If we all respected and love one another, I believe that none of this would even been happening...

I hate that someone can not live the way they want to. So what if someone is Gay or Bisexual. They aren't hurting anyone. They are living their lives. I hate that some of the young teens are feeling like they have no one to talk to.. I hate that some  have resorted to killing themselves. All because the choose to love someone of the same sex. It doesn't make them bad people.

A person life is the most precious thing. How a person chose to live their life is up to them. I look back on what all has happened. I think about when Tim was growing up. I knew that he was going to be homosexual growing up. I would see how people would pick on him. It even resorted him to quiting High School.. It was so many people just constantly giving him hell. Me being the Big Cousin, they learned how to respect him.  If one person said something about him, I defended him. I just hate that he cried so many night because of people not accepting the person he was.. He was a very smart, loving, and caring person. I didn't even see why people gave him such a hard time.

 People are so cruel and vicious. I can't wait until the day when we can live in a world that everyone is accepted. I can wait for the day when the people who causes people the feel left out get their day...

Receive Love, Accept Love, Give love....

Wondering what's going on....

Yall just don't even know the things that are running through my head right now. I am at a stand still with my thoughts. I try to think back to the particular day and I can't get a grip on it.

It was about 14 years ago and 3 miscarriages later. That I had 2 doctors tell me I can not have children. If  I do have kids, my body will not let me carry a child to full term. Well that has haunted me for years. I always thought I will not be able to have kids what so ever.

The when I was with MC we used protection for the first few years. I even got on the shot to make sure I wouldn't be able to even get pregnant. I don't trust doctors all that well and maybe they needed so type of excuse to just why I kept loosing children.

Well right now. I feel like living crap. SERIOUSLY.. I don't know why I am late. I am thinking that it is stress. Although being broke right now is killing me. I am not stressed over it.  I am also thinking, maybe I am going through the change of life. My mother went through it in her early 30's. In October I will be turning 35.. So I don't think that I need to be going through anything like this right now.

I am LATE.. I am going on a MONTH LATE. I been so tired. I have been so constipated. I even feel bloated.. I don't normally feel this bad when my period is getting ready to start. I just cramp. Well man, I hate this feeling of not knowing. I said I would buy a test if it doesn't come on within this week.  Me and my best friend always have our cycle down pat.. Mine always come on a week before hers. So when hers come on mines is going off.. Well hers has already went off and I still don't see blood...

My crush would be devastated if this happens. I will feel bad for him. It is just because we did use protection. We did see the mishap..  He knows about what I was told from those doctors. He does know that there is a chance of pregnancy it was just a 65 percent ratio.  It just not the time to have a baby with him or anyone else. He is just now getting back on his feet. I tell you hot passion will get you in trouble everytime.. LOL
 
For years my titled uterus and my suffering with endometriosis was the culprit. So if this is possible, I don't know what I am going to do. I am not upset.. I will not cry.. I am just wondering.. Could I finally be Pregnant?


"Update"

I was just starting a new cycle... :)

So tired of fighting...

The last few days of my vacation has made me sour...  I am tired.. I mean really tired... This time off work got me a few days to collect myself.  I figured out what is really wrong with me. I am really and truly an emotional wreck.  I can't handle the things that I thought I could.  Growing up I always got my way. Now it seems that any slight thing I want for myself doesn't even happen.

I fight for love, I fight for respect, I fight for my dignity.. It seems all of it fails. So why am I here? Why am I standing here with nothing but the ground and me?  For so long I tried to show myself as a loyal and happy person. Yes sometime my mood does come out. Overall I am always the happy go lucky person.. A woman that don't show her weakness or feelings. In act as if I am a storm that never gets defeated.. 

Boy was I wrong. Everything came over me yesterday. Dealing with the bull my crush laid on me. I swear I tried with him too. I believed that he really did want the same things that I wanted. Oh well, his lost I say. I don't regret anything though. It was all good while it lasted. I've known him all his life.. I will know him for the rest of my life. He help me see where I need to be.

Then going back to where I felt was a turning point in my life.. Wondering what went wrong and so forth. It is coming down on me. There is something missing.  It is A LOT missing in my life. I don't dwell on it though. It just makes me wonder, what did I do that was so bad.  I have people in my corner but it still seems like I am the only one standing.

Just today I broke down and cried most of the day. I woke up this morning with a call from someone that I told to leave me alone. I don't believe he got the message, so I had to lay it on him again. When you treat someone as badly as he treated me, why in the world would you want to remain friends with them.  I just don't get his logic.

I am hold on to my faith now. They say trouble don't last always. So maybe one day.. I will see the beauty in all this. I don't know if this trial is a strengthening tool. It seems like I am so weak right now.. I am giving up.. It is what it is... It will be what it will be... Whatever happens, I just got to deal with it and not run away or sugarcoat it...

Life... what many lessons it teaches us...

Taking the time out for ME...

The last few weekends. I've been going out. I've been hanging with friends. I know in my current situation it is something that is good for me.  I am getting tired of laying my burdens on other folks. I am not in a happy state right now. So why spoil my friends fun. I don't like when people rain on my parade. So I don't want to be the one that does it to them.

I took yesterday off from work. I will not be back at work until Monday. So I am taking  this time to be by myself.   I don't know what state of mine I will be in once I come out this shell. I just know I need this time. I need to free up space in my mind. I have so much running through it right now.

I am also at the point to where.. I got to stop putting people before myself. It is my many issue right now. I am so tired of not being able to deal with my own problems because of everyone else.  All I want to say now is God, cover me.... Today he called to see how I was doing. Then when I refuse to talk to him. It seemed like he was trying to turn the blame on me.  I am like... Why would I talk to someone who is the reason of my depression?

It's weird that people don't truly understand one another. It is easy for some and hard for others. No one person is alike. Ok, you can get over love. You can move to the next one with no problem. Well for me.. It is not all that easy. Especially when your world revolved around them. So hey, give me time to get through it. I have to just work through my problems alone.

So this weekend, I am going to compile a list of what that can make me happy. I also going to make a list of what I will not tolerant next.

Sand through the Hour Glass... These are the Days of My life....

I don't even know what to say at this point.  I am really a lost for words.  Today wasn't quite my day. It started off Happy to be off from work.   I just knew it was going to be a good day for me. I am trying everyday to look up and smile about the things that matter the most... Me....  Well at least I thought that was going to be the case. Then I get to Wal-Mart and the item that I wanted was there.  So basically  I search around looking for the item.  I ended up finding what I want at Best Buy.  Even that when kinda bad. It seems that they couldn't find it in the store. I told him that on the internet and me calling the store they told me it was plenty.   After getting the item and frustrated at the fact that the service was so horrible.  

I came home to try and get my thoughts together.  I started to clean out my fish tank. I had brought them some new rocks and so forth.  I waited a few hours and tried to return my fish back to the tank... The unthinkable happened.. They both die.... I was like what in the freaking hell is going on here.  I was upset and I just didn't know what had happened. I feel they died cause they didn't like that I changed their surroundings.  Some of it could be cause of me having such a stressful day.  I don't know, but I am truly going to miss Frick and Frat.... I had gotten so used to them. I know I should have waited and cleaned the tank out tomorrow. 

On top of all that mess. You know a few days ago, I talked about how I was getting rid of some ungrateful ass. Well today became so CLEAR that I truly need to hurry up and exit this man right out of my life. He was just so TOXIC to my well-being.  I seen myself going down the road that I once was in.  

As I said I had been there for him. To let him tell it, I was never there.. I don't know where in the hell this was all coming from.. I just know, I am on the road to healing myself. I don't need a selfish, unworthy, and untrustworthy alcoholic...  

I hope that tomorrow has better things in store for me. I can not go through the crap I went through today.. It seems I am always the one that get the rough end of every stick that is thrown at me.  I have tried and tried to be honest with myself. I am really at the point of asking where and when do I catch a break...

The Things I have Learned...

The last few years to months I have learned so much. I feel like I can say I am finally grown.
I have not been writing because, I am living my life. I didn't even know where to begin when writing. I let go of the website, mainly because of it. It would be one way to save on money too.

I am still in the process of trying to find a home and a purpose. There are so many things I want to do with the remaining part of my life. I want to feel that I did do what I was set out to do. I want to own my first home. I want to open my own business (either cater or restaurant). I think that my drive is finally here.

In the life lessons I also realize that loving someone is not a reason to let go of your hopes. For so long the love of him was keeping me down. I've learned how to love from a distance. I still think of him, yet he is not my reason for living. I am glad that I got the courage to let go, but not forget. Love of self can be the most rewarding love of all.

Then it come to a person I have kinda adopted. It was an old friend that I promise to be there for to help him get through it all. I think I can't no longer do it. It has cause me some stress. The stress of feeling like I am being taken advantage of. I helped this man and even tried to build up his confidence. It seems like he isn't even listening to me. I learned, a person who is down and out, they have to want to do better for themselves. You can't heal a person. You can't tell a person to believe in themselves when they don't.

I even learned somethings to help me at work. If I just listen and talk to my manager, she will be a whole lot better to deal with. Over the last few weeks. Just listening to her babble about life and her family. She has been so much better. I still don't like the way my schedule is, but it has been some improvements.

So as I continue to ride this life. I will continue to learn things. I will continue to grow. It is not the age you are that gives you the title of GROWN. It is how to handle the lesson in it all.