I Release You!

To my Past Loves & Lovers:

Today I release the pain that came with involving myself with you.. This is my Open Letter to you all.

Over the years I held on to the hurt, the pain, and the scars. I wasn’t allowing myself to grow pass it all.

I became the product of each and every one of you made of me.  I held on it for so long I myself believe I might never be able to Love again.. I won’t say that some of it never caused me to become a bitter woman. It has, and for that I have to RELEASE you. I thought holding on to it would guard me from falling for the wrong person again. The truth be told, it allowed me to keep falling for it. I was just a girl that later became a woman that wanted to be loved.

I release you because I want to live again. I release you because I want to find the LOVE that at one time I thought was impossible to have. To have the life I envision for myself has to one of Unconditional Love. A love that, every day is a BEAUTIFUL day because my love is right there with me and in my heart.

I won’t say being with you was all bad. We had our good days. I learned from each and every relationship. I want you to know, when I said I loved you. I did.. I was loyal, faithful, caring, understanding, and was there no matter what. I wanted the same from you all.  Even though our relationship ended I still carried the love in my heart.  I no longer hold unto the anger.. I forgive you; this is why I have to release you.

I wish you all well as some of you may be moved on, married, and living the dream. I hope that you too learned something from me as I did with you all. Take care be Blessed and know that I THANK YOU ALL for what we shared.. The Good and The Bad… The woman who once Loved & Cared

Over the last few years..

The last few years I have been dealing with issues pertaining to these two.. Not really but this is how I am going to describe it.. LOL

I can say that it has been a roller-coaster of events.  I blame myself though.. I have allowed it and I don't blame no one but me.  You would think by now I would really have it together with dealing with these two..  One day I think that things are going to get better. Then the next BAMMMMMMMMMMM I am back in the trap. I sometimes think that I like the misery. Sometimes I think that it is going to one day get better.. (Who am I kidding).. NOT A SOUL.. 

Just this week I said ok.. I am not going to deal with it. Especially after the Speech I got with The TIRE MAN.. I was like ok.. I see that this situation isn't going to change.  So you know my words.. FONK it and keep it going.. 

 Since  aunt jemima hasn't surfaced in my inbox and my life in a few months.. I have been doing fairly well with not going off. I think it's only when SHE THINKS she knows what's going on, what gets me boiling..  I hate for someone to THINK they know and don't know SHYT.. Oneday she will see the real for real. So I am going to sit back and watch how she reacts.. In due time. She will become tired like I did. 

You can't change a person and even if you tried, it is what it is. 

I am more focused on me losing those  10 lbs I gain back over the holiday's..

Their crazy life is no concern to me anymore.. I tried to help them but you can't help those who don't want the help. Their issues are no longer mine.. Tire man unhappiness isn't a problem of mine.  

I just like how Karma really does work in the person favor.. She sho did work for me.. I no longer have the time for THEIR foolishness. It doesn't mean that I am going to stop being friend's with Tire Man.. It is just that anything that has to be said about them two.. I can fonking careless.. Like I said it has GOTTEN OLD... 

A Talk with Someone...

The other day I had a talk with someone.. We were talking about relationships.. Also the reason why I am not sure if I want to get into another one. I truly believe I am meant to be single. I don't know if it my choices or is it really me.

Over the years I dated men.. I dated women.. Out of both of those relationship which over the last 10 years I've only been in two relationships.. The one with the guy (which you all know was MC) it lasted 6 almost 7 of those years.. It had it ups and downs.. We had more good times than bad. He wasn't able to commit to me until he thought he was losing me.. That was in 2007 and we started dating in 2004.. His love for me started fading in 2009.. That was when we called it quits.. Well he pushed me to call it quits.. LOL

It took me awhile after that to decide to date or not.

 Then this woman came into my life in 2011 and it changed everything. I mean everything. I felt like that was where I was suppose to be. I felt good. I felt happy. I felt understood. I finally stopped fighting the battle with myself and how I felt. I gave up a lot to be in the relationship.. Friends, Family, Partying, and Men.. For What? I sometimes ask myself. It ended just a few months later in 2012. March 2012 to be exact. When I found out about her lying and cheating ways. I was forewarned but it I was naive to believe she wasn't like that.  Well you all know the story to that too.. I have tried to remain friends with the woman because she is good people but not in the relationship sense. We have our days.. We have our fights.. Well not to long ago before Christmas I went off on her and physically tried to hurt her. So  I had to step back on the friendship.. I saw that she wasn't trying to treat me as a friend. I had to see there is still something in my heart for her too.. So I had to numb them feelings in my mind. Guess what though.. Since I've been acting like who gives a damn, I am getting better at just going along with my life. 

Okay, the conversation I had.. I was saying how I don't know if I could be with another man again. I would like to just cause I still feel that I am attracted to men.. The issue is that I believe that I am only physically attracted to men. I don't know if I have the emotions to connect with another man anymore. MC put me through the ringer mentally... My friend goes to say, Female on Female relationships are about just SEX.. If they don't have a great sex life then there is nothing else for them.. I was like huh?
My last relationship with a woman was NO INTIMACY!! Yea time to time we might did something but not often.. We had more of a caring, talkative, cuddling relationship. I was able to talk to her about everything.. Now I will say when it came to my feelings, she might dozed off. LOL I think she listened to other stuff.

I really don't know what either relationship suppose to work.. I don't know one from the other. LOL
I just know I don't think I am ready to go down that road anymore. I am not one that picks up pieces quickly. When I go into a relationship I give my all and then when it ends, I don't know what to pick up or what to leave crumbled.

As 2014 keeps on going and I keep on moving.. I might be at a better place this year.. I started getting it right toward the middle and also sought help for my anxieties.. I am still trying to maintain a healthy way of living.. I hope and pray that in time I will know what's right for me and what is wrong.. Right now a relationship will just crowd my space.. I am aiming for the BEST ME POSSIBLE!!!

Free!!

Today I am Free

I am free to be me

I held on as long as long as I could

Today I let go, as I should

No more lies behind lies

No more looking in your face while you lied behind the smiles

You took my heart while it was up for grabs

I can’t believe it was the one thing would stab

I gave you everything I had to offer

I refuse to be the one who sits here and suffer

You go on with your with your life

Cause today I got to see the pictures of your wife

For that I no longer doubt myself

You go on and take care of yourself

I can walk with my head held high

I can take to the sky and Fly

Cause today I am Free

I am free to be me

©2012

Mahoganydymond ™

To thee be over..

You chase me…

You said yourself; you wanted to get to know me…

At first I didn’t want to start anything with you…

I saw you around, but I never knew of you..

You weren’t my type and It was so new.

After all the weeks of talking,

I started falling…

You promised that you would never hurt me, I was the one that made your life complete.

Cards, hugs, kisses, even date night were so special…

Came close to moving in with you, by that time I knew it was official.

I fell in love with you… Flaws and all….

We shared laughs, we shared cries.. We shared secrets and from my part they were never lies..

Months started passing…. I started to feel comfortable… I told most of my family about you..

I was happy I came out with you…

You started to change, things wasn’t the same..

It became too complacent… The things you used to do, you stopped doing…

You would do things with me not included. Going out of town on trips…

It was a time where we were inseparable. The loneliness I started feeling was unbearable.

My world came crashing down all in one month… You said, “ I don’t have time for this relationship”…

I couldn’t believe… How could this be true.. You said you Love me and you know I love you..

All the changes, all the sacrifices that were made just to make you happy.

You wanted us just to be friends no longer soul mates..

Now I stand here alone with nothing or no one. Missing out on doing things I used to do and facing the world.  I can’t get up enough energy and too embarrassed to face it.

You HURT me in ways you once said you wouldn’t..

I know that things aren’t promised to be forever.. I just can’t forget those words you said, WE WILL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER…

Yes, I fell in love with a false sense of a person.. You weren’t completely honest with me. I know this to be true..

I can say, although we aren’t together in the relationship sense of the word. You have been there for when I was sick and down.. Is it that you still care? I’ll never truly know..

I can’t keep going on this rollercoaster emotional ride. You already have another woman by your side.

You say it isn’t like that… I know it is.. It is a true fact…..

I would never be able to trust you again after all the pain you caused me. If that time comes again when you say you want me…

So now that we are friends, it seems you still have a hard time dealing with me. It’s like when I say things about me wanting another, you get so agitated.  When I bring up your relationship with the other, you get so defensive..

I no longer try to read you.. I no longer even care about the other.. I just hope that the way you did me, you won’t be that way with her..

I don’t hate you.. I am disappointed in you.. You broke my heart when that was the last thing you said you would do from the start.

I made a vow to forgive you.. I figured it out you wasn’t the right one for me. I need someone to understand, love, cherish, and inspire me…  I wasn’t right for you.. So as I close this and remember the times that we shared… The good, the bad, the ugly is not going to make me sad… It was an experience that I needed to go through… After all is said and done… Life goes on.. New memories need to be made.. You was a person I loved.. Now, where do we go from here?

I was lead to believe that "YOU LOVED ME"...

I am getting better folks... I am so proud of myself... This week I tried to stay busy and focus on the good things. I know that I was in such a world wind of emotions and I was truly thinking about giving up.. I just hate when MY FEELINGS aren't taken into consideration.. 

She took me out of my comfort zone.. I was happy and content in the place I was... I was single.. I had my friends... I even remained in the closet. That was how I kept my sanity.. I didn't have to worry about nothing.. I took care of me.. I was ok with that.

Then she came along and seemed like everything was changed. All I really wanted was love and I thought that she loved me. Every waking day she expressed how happy I made her. Everyday was like a breath of fresh air as long as she was in it. I lost my friends because they didn't understand how much this woman meant to me. They talked about me, ridiculed me, even stopped dealing with me.. I took it because in my eyes I didn't care cause she gave me EVERYTHING...

Yesterday I was cleaning.. I am still trying to get my stuff back in order since I came back home.. I was procrastinating. I was still in disbelief. Yea this woman had me out of my normal character.. 

I came across all my letters and cards that she gave me... I was like DAMN how things change in a short period of time. I vowed not to cry.. So I didn't... There is no more crying over this shyt.. I will never understand and maybe it a reason that I don't..

One of the cards stated that she was so glad I was finally in her life. How much she loves me and want to spend everyday with me.. How much she wanted to take care of me.. How much she would move HEAVEN and EARTH for me. Even telling me how lost she would be without me.  BULLSHYT!! As I think of it more and more.. I was LEAD TO BELIEVE THAT SHE LOVED ME.. 

If you LOVE someone you don't leave them when they are at their lowest... (i didn't leave her when she was having trouble with her daughter, mother, or the death of a family member)... You don't become distant and ill  with a person who just want to spend time with you.. If you LOVE me when you see that I am crying you comfort me and tell me everything is going to be ok.. If you LOVE me, you would work through your issues and try to make things right... 

She wants us to remain friends.. How? I am still in love with her... She calls and I still do her hair.. I think the type of friendship was lost when she started dating me.. I can't go back to where it once was... 

I blame no one but myself...

I guess this is going to be one of those depression blogs.. I felt the need to write it all out.. I've been holding it so much it for years and years.. It is the time to release it again.. When I think I am getting better, I fall right back into the trap again.. What is WRONG with me? I am starting to feel I do need to seek professional help. I don't believe in hurting anyone or myself... I just hate this rut...

After MC, I said I wouldn't give my heart again..  I haven't either... So I do feel like I am missing out on something. 

Over the last few months, I have been seeing someone.. I was seeing him to see if I am totally over MC.. I think I am over him physically... Some part mentally... All the years of not trusting and emotional strain.. I haven't forgotten. 

So here is where it all falls apart.. Me being the emotional attached person that I am.. I can't see myself being in a relationship... I have tried being patient and optimistic about it all..  I see myself going down the same path again.. You would think after almost of 3 years of being single and not really dating.. I should be able to move on and move past it all.. 

I am starting to see the change in him.. I am starting to see sneaky ways.. I also see that I will be more into it than he would be. So I am letting it go.. Just this morning I almost flipped and lost it.. I was getting a feeling that something was not going right inside his home. He wasn't answering my text.. I even heard a noise that I believe I shouldn't have heard.. I really didn't want to become the crazy and deranged woman.. So I had to come back home and calm down.. I had to come home and wooosah!!

This is it.. My heart is to damaged.. I can't love.. No matter how much I try... It is OVER!!