We're Just Friends... It is better that way....

 

I've been trying to find out a better way to tell a person something. I have tried telling them this before. It seems that they can't grasp the concept of it. I've known this person since 98. He is a wonderful guy and we have similar interest.  The last couple of years, he wants to meet.  All these years we never met. He is a very nice guy. I see him as a friend. 

It has became a little bothersome to me. Everyday him confessing his love for me. Telling me how beautiful I am. It's great... What woman wouldn't like that? I am truly flattered. I just can't see 

beyond the fact we are just friends.

I can't take that next step with him. I am still hung up over my last relationship. I am still dealing with the issues that I have. I need to be clear minded as I continue this process. I can't allow another person in my life. Especially a person I view as a friend. I think we are better that way. I rather have a friend in my corner than someone that resents me.  I have came to the conclusion that I am not the person to have a relationship with. Hey the last one was a friend and look at us now. I don't want to loose what we have. 

I don't know what it is going to take to make him understand.. I really don't want to hurt him or his feelings.

Just Another Day...(In the thoughts and mind of Me)

It is the weekend and I am sitting at home.. I am so trying to find something to get into. I truly do hate this boring life that I live.  I said to myself, I should of just went to work. At least I wouldn't be sitting here trying to find something to do. 

I am starting to really get old.  I know in a matter of time, I might just go senile. Of course I don't want that to happen. I just feel it is cutting close. I sit in the house thinking to much about things. Things that is driving me insane. I believe that I was lost some where between the ok's and the not so kosher.  I guess I want things to go my way so much. So when I can't have my way, I get into a slumber.  I just don't get people anymore. I was taught to stick by family. Help the less fortune, and Pray for those who can't get right.  I tell you I had my share in all of that. Giving up so much of myself in the process.. 

I also been thinking of a new story to  write about. Heck I already know I have 4 stories that I need to finish. I get to the point where I get lazy and don't know how to end them. So I leave them stuck mid-way through the story.  I really want to do this one as a Play.  I see it coming to life as I see myself coming through the doors.  I will be noticed one day. I am so sure of it.

I might make this Saturday and Sunday a day that not only do I get back to what is truly me.  It will also the day I stop thinking so hard of what others will think.  I got to do something. I am tired of living behind a wall.  I need to really stop talking about and just do it.  Now off to find the courage to do so...

For the Love of Family....

 

I Love them... Lord knows I do... If not for them, I wouldn't be the person I am today... 

I was raised by two of the strongest women I know.  My Grandmother was the leader of the pack. My Grandfather died way before I was born. My Granny was the baby girl of a total of 9 kids.  So her BIG brothers was very protective of her... Growing I can remember when she told me to get ready for church... I was like NO... Man she beat me through out the WHOLE house.    I tell you I never told her I wasn't going to church after that... She could never understand why I didn't want to go to church. I told her it was boring.. Hey I was only 5 or 6 at the time. I didn't know what Rev. Cruell was talking about.

I can never really say that My mother never loved me. I used to get mad at her because she was barely at home. It was a time I was going through some really problems growing up. I needed my mother and she was working. Her whole things was she wanted to give me EVERYTHING... At the time, I didn't care about what she wanted to give me. It was simple I wanted my Mother.  As I got older I realized why she did it.  I can't never say it enough.. I LOVE HER... She was always open and honest with me. She told me about life and how people will come in and leave just like they came.   To this day, she is still my best  friend. 

I used to pay attention to my friend's mothers.. I was thankful, I had her. Not to long ago I was going through some papers of hers. She asked me to clean up her shelf... I found the cuties note... It said... I love Tracy....  You know what mommie.. I love you too...

Today I started thinking a lot about my Father.. He is one that I rarely talk about. It is not that he isn't around and doesn't love me. I just really don't have the close bond with him as I would like to have . It seems now that I am Older we are closer than we ever been.  I remember the time I was in the Hospital for a few weeks after Miscarriage #2. My dad was there every single day.  See it was one of those things that I almost died and he was there for me. He knew I didn't want to be alone. So during the day he was there, while my mother stayed there at night.   I am the Oldest of my father's three children.  So today getting a call from my Aunt Neiecy.. She told me that my dad had passed out and fell at work and he was in pain.   See my dad has been sick the last few years. The one thing that drives me crazy, is the fact that he is STUBBORN...  He hasn't been listening to me or the doctors..    So today I have been calling and keeping a close watch on him.. Hey you can only have one father.. I love ya dad....

 

Sand through the Hour Glass... These are the Days of My life....

I don't even know what to say at this point.  I am really a lost for words.  Today wasn't quite my day. It started off Happy to be off from work.   I just knew it was going to be a good day for me. I am trying everyday to look up and smile about the things that matter the most... Me....  Well at least I thought that was going to be the case. Then I get to Wal-Mart and the item that I wanted was there.  So basically  I search around looking for the item.  I ended up finding what I want at Best Buy.  Even that when kinda bad. It seems that they couldn't find it in the store. I told him that on the internet and me calling the store they told me it was plenty.   After getting the item and frustrated at the fact that the service was so horrible.  

I came home to try and get my thoughts together.  I started to clean out my fish tank. I had brought them some new rocks and so forth.  I waited a few hours and tried to return my fish back to the tank... The unthinkable happened.. They both die.... I was like what in the freaking hell is going on here.  I was upset and I just didn't know what had happened. I feel they died cause they didn't like that I changed their surroundings.  Some of it could be cause of me having such a stressful day.  I don't know, but I am truly going to miss Frick and Frat.... I had gotten so used to them. I know I should have waited and cleaned the tank out tomorrow. 

On top of all that mess. You know a few days ago, I talked about how I was getting rid of some ungrateful ass. Well today became so CLEAR that I truly need to hurry up and exit this man right out of my life. He was just so TOXIC to my well-being.  I seen myself going down the road that I once was in.  

As I said I had been there for him. To let him tell it, I was never there.. I don't know where in the hell this was all coming from.. I just know, I am on the road to healing myself. I don't need a selfish, unworthy, and untrustworthy alcoholic...  

I hope that tomorrow has better things in store for me. I can not go through the crap I went through today.. It seems I am always the one that get the rough end of every stick that is thrown at me.  I have tried and tried to be honest with myself. I am really at the point of asking where and when do I catch a break...

My Thoughts of Today... Too Blessed to Be Stressed....

This saying has been going around for years.  I have heard people add their own little rendition of they saying. It was a couple of years ago, when I started living by these words.  It was a friend from the Group Sexiest BBWS on the Planet.  Her saying was 2 Blessed 2 be Stressed and 2 much Lady to deal with BS.... I tell you that is exactly my point.

God had delivered me from some major BS. So I know I am blessed.  I don't know how I still have my right mind. It was because God told me not to stress it anymore.  I try to tell the same things to my mother. She worry about bills and money all the time. Hey we all are going through this patch of dismay.  We just got to keep on believing that God is going to make a way.

I even put this into my relationships now.  I used to worry why this man couldn't get it together. I tried and tried to make him see me for a good loving person. Well as you all know I had to let it go. It was one thing that was stressing me to the point, I didn't know who I really was. So I looked back and said "I am too Blessed to Be Stressing this BS..."   I don't even let my so called friends worry me no more.. 

So I feel that when troubles come my way. I have to realize that I am living, got a place to stay, I have family, and a job. It is all I need, because I am blessed.

(...Love...) How Sweet it is? Happy Valentine's Day....

Tomorrow is the BIG day of LOVE... As far as Elementary school. I never was a big fan of the day.  As a kid it was nice. In school we all got cards and candy. You just hoped that you got that special card from the boy you were crushing.  When you did you became all excited. 

Then as I got older it became just another day. I think I had only one real Valentine and it was a disaster.  The guy that I was involved with gave me roses. I was sick for weeks. It was when I learned that I was allergic to them.  I was this day is really an bad day for me.  Most of the time I am not dating anyone. 

So it became a day I regretted. I am not all into the mushy stuff. I felt that if you love me, Valentine's shouldn't be the only day you show me.  I've been hurt, used, and brokenhearted so many times. I still feel like I am a Soldier of Love...  I still yearn for that feeling of being loved.

Besides my closest friends and my family, I sometimes wonder who really Loves me. My mother is such an awesome lady and I am so thankful to God that I have a person who loves me like she does. She puts a smile on my face when I am down. She gives me hope when I think all is gone. When I am in my moods she turns and give me space. 

So I am wishing all the LOVERS in the WORLD  a Happy Valentine's Day...  Don't fret when  you don't have an significant other The Love of friends and family are the ones who loves you most....

The Things I have Learned...

The last few years to months I have learned so much. I feel like I can say I am finally grown.
I have not been writing because, I am living my life. I didn't even know where to begin when writing. I let go of the website, mainly because of it. It would be one way to save on money too.

I am still in the process of trying to find a home and a purpose. There are so many things I want to do with the remaining part of my life. I want to feel that I did do what I was set out to do. I want to own my first home. I want to open my own business (either cater or restaurant). I think that my drive is finally here.

In the life lessons I also realize that loving someone is not a reason to let go of your hopes. For so long the love of him was keeping me down. I've learned how to love from a distance. I still think of him, yet he is not my reason for living. I am glad that I got the courage to let go, but not forget. Love of self can be the most rewarding love of all.

Then it come to a person I have kinda adopted. It was an old friend that I promise to be there for to help him get through it all. I think I can't no longer do it. It has cause me some stress. The stress of feeling like I am being taken advantage of. I helped this man and even tried to build up his confidence. It seems like he isn't even listening to me. I learned, a person who is down and out, they have to want to do better for themselves. You can't heal a person. You can't tell a person to believe in themselves when they don't.

I even learned somethings to help me at work. If I just listen and talk to my manager, she will be a whole lot better to deal with. Over the last few weeks. Just listening to her babble about life and her family. She has been so much better. I still don't like the way my schedule is, but it has been some improvements.

So as I continue to ride this life. I will continue to learn things. I will continue to grow. It is not the age you are that gives you the title of GROWN. It is how to handle the lesson in it all.