What's in a Letter....

Ive been doing the 30 Days Facebook Challenge... Well today was  A picture and a letter... Today I posted this letter (which was inside a card) from my cousin.. This was back in 2004 when she wrote it. I kept it because it had a lot of meaning...
See I keep things like this...
In the letter she was saying about how I was acting when I first started actually dating MC... It was how she felt she had to start acting like the BIG Sis.. See I always took care of her..
I wish to this day she would read this same exact letter... See the words she wrote is the same words someone needs to tell her... She was saying how she would never lose her self or love another man that didn't love her in return.. A relationship that wouldn't hurt her...  Well guess what folks.. She is doing just that... I do not approve of her relationship.. He has been physical with her.. I feel as if he is using her.. He isn't working, he is ignorant. To top it off he  is young without an education.. She is in college and raising two children on her own.. I just don't get it...
How can you preach something you don't practice? I can tell you that MC wasn't never a bad boyfriend.. He just wasn't ready for a relationship..  At the time of her writing this letter, she was having her 1st child.. She felt that I wasn't there for her when she was pregnant..  I felt that I was but I did have to share time with my man..  Now with the relationship she is in.. I been slowly backing away from her.. I used to hang at her house on the weekends that I am off. Now it is that I really don't care to be there and listen to the mess... I don't approve of them always arguing with each other in front of the children. So what do you do... This person really isn't the person that wrote this note.. I truly believe some where she lost herself... I pray that one day she will once regain her strong, positive mind...

Can I talk to you............. Let's clear the air...

Today I cleared the air with  someone.. It had been a long time coming and I wanted so much to talk to her.. A few months back I got word of her being mad at me... She was thinking that I had something going on with her ex.. Well as you all know I have a few male friends.. No sex just platonic friendship.. I get along with men so much better.. Having men as friends is just so much easier..
Well I talked her via Facebook.. I told her the story of why and how me and him became friends. I don't want me and her friendship to sour just cause her and her man's did.
I try to comfort her and I think it worked.. See I know how her ex is.. He is a insecure man that really doesn't know what he wants.. He is the type that has low self esteem and hasn't quite figured out who and what he wants.. He has NO faith in himself... I hate to see men like that...  I am trying to tell him to work out his problems and stop making mistakes that he will later regret.. I gave her hope.. I also didn't want to mess up either friendships..  So I am glad I reached out to her today.. I hope my words to her will encourage her to look to the stars and reach them... She is such a wonderful person.. He is too.. I just want them both to be happy in life...

I miss my DREADS!!!!!!

I happened to run across my FB photo album..  When I saw one of my pictures back when I had dreads.. I almost fell out my chair... I miss my dreads... I hate that I got rid of them.. 

The only reason why I cut them back when I did was because I got tired of the labels. I got tired of people looking at me all funny.. Here in the south some just don't know.. Yet now since it is a BOOMING in natural hair.. I think more people will STOP with all the looks..  Another reason was because my sister had them.. I did it to be somewhat different....

After trying this fro.. I am not liking it all too well.. It has started getting on my nerves.. I don't know what in the heck to do with it...  I don't know excatly when I am going to start them again.. What I do know.. It is going to happen before the end of the year.... 

Update# I started my dreads back in October 2011 

I don't know what to do.... Becoming Lost...

I tell you when you think you have it all together... I feel that I am going the right path... I just can't grasp the idea of what to do next...

Here is the story....

You know I have been talking about my Heaven...  Well  there is something that I am not really approving of in our friendship. I know that most of it could be my fault. See I don't want a relationship with him. I don't really want anything with him. It is just because it is too much going on with his life. I do know I am getting tired of people coming back and telling me when they see him out.  I think I am going to have to stop seeing him. It isn't because of people coming back telling me thing.. It isn't because they see him out with others.. It is just I don't want to be bothered with him all together.. I think I have gotten bored..  Then when I don't get to hang out with him.. I get upset.. What in the hell is wrong with me? I pray that I am not catching feelings... I seriously HOPE that I am not...  I hate that I get so freaking confused...

Then to me moving.. I've been saving up for awhile to move back out of my mother's house.. Well something else has came up again. So trying to move in June might just take me a little while longer.. I am NOT happy about this one bit.. Why I keep running into pitfalls? I am so TIRED of this.. I want to be out on my own.. I want my privacy again.. I feel I am getting to old to be at moms.. I know I can be here and do pretty much what I want.. I just want to be out on my OWN...

I just don't know what to do... Maybe in time I will figure it all out.. I hope I get some answers soon...

My Erotic Thoughts.... Strapped and ready to stick...

I wanted to try something new.. Since I will be blogging more now.. I tell you that this entry and any other of my entries for my Friday Erotic Thoughts are NOT meant for the children.. No one under the age of 21.. lol  I hope you get the point...

The other day I put on my strap on for the 1st time.  I was trying to get the feel of the whole thing. I see why men are the way they are. I felt some type of power. Don't ask me why but I truly did.

Walking around with a Long and Thick bulge of hard rubber. It made me want to truly find someone to use it on.  The whole point of me to get one is to live out one of my fantasies...  Which my fantasy is to have sex with a man.. I had someone that didn't mind letting me do it. Then turned around and had a change of mind.

Back to my point. I think men walk around with their stick waiting to stick into any female they choose.  As I graced and stroked my big rubber.. I pictured myself thrusting my favorite girl. (She doesn't know she is).. I was hearing her sweet voice telling me to give her more and more. I ended up nutted on myself. I gave myself pleasure just by being strapped and ready to stick it...

Who am I?

Ambitious, Emotional, Great Friend, Honest, and Sincere..... 
I sent out a mass text message to those who know me all so well.. I asked them to tell me how do the see me.. What kind of person do they think I am...

Is this how people view me? I know these are some qualities that I have.. I am very emotional.. Almost everything touches my heart... When I feel strongly about something.. I can go all the way out with it.. This is what makes me so human...

I don't know too much about Ambitious.. I know this year I am going after everything I want... Before it wasn't so much as Ambition than it was lazy.. I would have so many opportunities to be great... I just sat back and let others do it..  Now since I am on this I am going to LIVE my life now.. I am so ready to start living.. Once I get that all settled.. I am going to be at my GREATEST point..

Honest....  I tell you sometimes I am a little to honest... You all read my blog.. I will tell most of my daily life on here.. If I am a friend I will always be upfront.. I hate when those don't do the same.. If I don't approve of something... I will let it be known...

Good friend and Sincere.. I am try my darnest to always treat people the way I want to be treated.. I care about people feelings so sometimes I might hold back some things... I wish everyone a happy and well life... So this is the person that I am.. Add full of life, inspirational, and crazy then you will get the total package.. I am so glad I am still living and well.. I will one day impact someones life..

The Summer Heat.......... I really DREAD it...

Ok the Calendar says it is Spring Time... The last few days... NOPE.. It hasn't felt like Spring.. It has be HOT close to HELL HOT here in South Carolina.. Just today it reached 90 degrees... See  I truly don't do well with Summer months.. It seems there is NOTHING can cool me off... I have been sweating like crazy...

Just last night the air was on BLAST even the ceiling fans BLASTED...  It still didn't help.. I said I must be going through the change or something..

So I said today.. I will not leave out the house unless it is for work or after mid night..  I think the perfect temperature is 72... I thought that is what Spring suppose to be like..  I tell you the South and it muggy heat...  So I can't wait until fall...  I know I can't control the heat.. Yet this Big Girl doesn't like it...

Putting all things aside...

Today has been very emotional for me.  A person that I still love and care a great deal about. Someone that I have talked about here on MC....

He told me today that he lost his mother.. Something went through me. I know that me and him have had some rough patches. I know he is hurting..

He was a Momma's Boy... They talked everyday. If she didn't like something he didn't like it either. They was so close. Although she had 14 children. She was a mother that made sure ALL her CHILDREN was taken cared of. She also made sure all of them went to college and made something of themselves.  So I respected the woman. She didn't think I was the right fit for her son in the beginning.  After she noticed that I loved him unconditionally and knew I wanted the same from him. She begin to understand.

My prayers and thoughts go out to his family. I know how hard it is to loose someone very close. A person that raised you and nurtured  you. When I lost my grandmother.. I thought the world was ending.... So I see him trying to be strong. I am putting all things aside now...

I am opening my arms wide. I am going to be there if he needs me. It will not mean that I am forgiving him for all the things he has done.. I am just being a friend that cares... I have to give him that.. We spent almost 7 years of our lives together....

When did love become Magical?

"Love isn't a decision, it's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved it would be much more simple but less magical...."


This quote above cause all kinds of debates today on my friend's Facebook Page...


There were just a few that agreed with me.. I believe that Love is a decision.. I think so in so many ways.. Granted you can't choose who you fall in love with.. Yet you can choose who you want to spend your life with. See my thing is.. I can love someone. If this person isn't right for me.. Then I would make the choice to love from a distance... It is like this.. If I start liking someone.. He shows all kind of traits that I don't want in a man.. I MOVE on and not continue to see him knowing I might fall in love with him...


Well the other thought that I was some bitter woman.. They think I never been in love... Well we all know that that isn't true.. See the MAGICAL part got to me.. When did love become MAGICAL? What magic happens? I've been in love and I never saw pixie dust... I've   been in love and it wasn't a magical carpet ride.. When I think of Magical I think of Disney World. I don't believe in fairytales... I live my life in reality... 


Why would someone set themselves up for disappointment? I really don't believe in doing that to myself. I LOVE the idea of LOVE.. I am a loving person.  I know everyone is human and they have flaws and all.. So why would I look to someone to be my Prince Charming? Why would look for that Knight in Shining Armour?  I am just looking for someone to make me HAPPY... This person doesn't have to be PERFECT... He must meet my requirements... If I can laugh with him.. If he is respectful..  Also must have a job and a car... We good... He doesn't have to give me the world... Just make me happy.. It is that simple.. 


One of my friends says that Magical to her is can't wait to see that person.. She wants to spend all her time with that person.. The person even gives her butterflies when they are around...  I got the point... I still didn't see the magical aspects of it...   I just say this.. What might be magical to some, isn't magical for others....

When you are tired of shyt!!!!

I tried to look over things.. I have tried to see things half empty.... I have witness people do things... I have also watched people put up with shyt they don't need to... I wonder why... A fear of loneliness... A fear of of not being accepted by others. Well I am sick and tired of shyt.. I want to be able to hang out with my friends... I want to be able to live without added drama...

So since I deal with other people drama most of the time... I will now STAND alone.... I hate that it has came to this... I am just tired of being the shoulder and the listening ear.. Especially if they aren't going to listen to what I have to say.....

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Choices...

Sometimes I wonder about myself... The choices that I made and why I made them.. We live and we learn... Although I am not living with regrets.. I just wonder where my life would be if I made different choices...

Finishing school... I had so many things I wanted to do in life. I wanted to go to college.. I was determined to be a Lawyer... Hell I wanted to be the 1st Black and Woman President... Yet when I got to college.. I bullshytted around. I got tangled up with bug.. He was the bad boy this good girl wanted... So I slacked off and quit college.. He ended up going to jail.  I was devastated when that happened... So I failed and never went back. Hell he is no longer my man either.. We still friends but that is about as far as it goes...

Having kids and a family before I was 25.... That was another goal I truly wanted. It could of happened..  It was just a point in my life I got tangled up with a very abusive person. He lead me to the point where I hate I ever went.. I made a BIG mistake when I was a teenager.. (I will not tell you what it is).. Just know that might be the reason to why God punished me with the fact I can not have children.  See that was a choice.. I made my bed.. I lay in it EVERYDAY... So when  I met the guy I thought I was going to marry.. Everything was good in the beginning. Then it all hit rock bottom once we found out I was pg.. He beat me, cursed me, even told everyone he didn't want me to have children.. So that stress lead me to loose the baby so I thought.. So I stopped trying after 2 failed miscarriages...

Staying at the job I hate so much... Another choice I am making... See the benefits are good... Plus it is a job, I have to have.. So I stay there just cause... In my neck of the woods.. It isn't much to choose from.. So I make the choice to stay there and deal with the crap... One day I will leave if anything better ever comes.

Being Happy.. This is a choice I had to learn.. Yea I was one of those stupid females that felt having a man would make me happy.. Boy, after me and MC broke up FOR good..  I found myself... I learned to love myself.. I had to learn and enjoy life.. I am single for a reason.. I am not ready to give my life to someone unless I KNOW it is going to be a everlasting love..

So you see.. The choices I made in my life.. Makes me human.. I am not perfect and we all have to go through the bad and the ugly just to see the good.. I was off to a rocky start... For now on.. All the CHOICES I make is for the good of me..