Karma....

Karma:which view all human dramas as the will of God as opposed to present - and past - life actions. In theistic schools of Hinduism, humans have free will to choose good or evil and suffer the consequences, which require the will of God to implement karma's consequences, unlike Buddhism or Jainism which do not accord any role to a supreme God or gods. In Indian beliefs, the karmic effects of all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences.

This week I saw Karma for what it really is. They always say Karma is a BYTCH, Well I tell you my Ex is feeling the truth effects of it.  I was so in love with him. I even posted here about how much I love him. MC was my everything at one point in time. It wasn't anything I wouldn't have done for him. Last year in April, I saw that this man wasn't in love with me. We went through 6 years of ups and downs.  I went to NC for an internet group function and also to see him.

While up there I learned 1st hand this man didn't really want to see me. He also told me that he didn't love me the way that I loved him. Right there that was my deal breaker. I said ENOUGH.. I can no longer take this.  Come to find out he was out seeking other women. He moved from SC 2007. He said to better himself. Then later on he said to get away from me. Yet he continued the relationship with me. 

Well back in September of last year, he started a relationship with an Older woman. I mean OLDER.. She is even older than me.. She is in her 40's or near her 40's. She has older kids around his age. See he isn't even 30 yet. Well I found out that they were in a serious relationship. I didn't know cause he was still calling me. He never once mention he was in a relationship. Until one day on Facebook, it said that he was in a relationship with this woman. 

To make this story short. She is moving out of town

. He is so in love with her. He called me upset and he also don't know what to do. He loves her and he wants to be with her. He doesn't want her to move away... The same exact way I felt when he left me. 

So I say, what comes around goes around.. Treat people right...You never know it could happen to you..

I won't be a 5th Wheel...

It seems that people start to get mad when I stay to myself. I have always been somewhat of a loner. I enjoy this time because it helps me stay stress free.  I hate getting my nerves in a ravel. I am not a happy or friendly person when I am stressed.

You know the other week when I was partying up and what not. It was all and good, but I am tired of it to be honest. I just want to hang out with my friends, not my friends and their men.  I am happy that they are dating, but why must I tag along. 

So the last few weeks I have chosen to stay at home. So now I am considered being antisocial and a stupid person. I am single and more than likely I will remain single. When I was dating they didn't feel the need to be hanging around my girls. Yet my friends always want their men to tag along. When I went to Atlanta, it was suppose to be a girls thing and she brought her man. Then thinking that we are just going to chill at the house and have drinks, the man ends up spending the night also. Then mutual friends bring their men. Then there is me sitting watching television or the kids. Just cause I am not socializing with my man.

I just wonder what kind of man feels he always have to be around. It even trips me out. One doesn't even wants to take my friend out. Yet let her say we going out. Boom, all of a sudden he wants to take her out. Then of course women put dick before friends cancels the plans just to go out with him.

I have never been a person like that.  If I make plans, if I am not sick, or my mother is not sick.. Then there are no plans being canceled.. I love my girls, I am going to let them enjoy their fun... I am just going to sit back enjoy life... I refuse to be the 5th wheel... So if their is another night out and you all going to be coupled up.. I choose to stay at home....

I'm sick and it's the weekend... Bummer...

The last couple of days I've been feeling really bad... Went to work and could barely make it through my shifts. This really sucks being sick near the weekend. So I will not have much to talk about this week lol...  My body needed this rest anyway.  I'm still reading Midnight and I think I am going to finish it this weekend.

So I hope you all do it up this weekend for me.. I will be home in bed getting myself back together...

Ice Ice Baby....

Whew I tell you me and my issues are like WHOA right now... Over the weekend I realized that I am not getting enough. I hung out with my friends and we got wasted as always. Then I ended up having someone I've been attracted to give me some of the best oral that I haven't received in a VERY long time..  To bad she claim she doesn't remember.. LOL I kinda glad she claim she doesn't..

I also ended up sorta getting into that situation that I was telling you all about a maybe a week or two ago. I decided just to watch.  It was such a freaking beautiful thing. (I know you all are saying what is she going through).. To be honest, I don't even know. I do know I have been so darn horny lately. I can't seem to get enough nuts..

My crush has disappointed me on reasons I am not going to talk about. I respect his wishes and I am backing off. I did although enjoyed it while it lasted.  He really needs to get his house in order before he gets me to fall for him. I still keep him as my crush, but the time isn't right...

This to your left, I think I am in love with it.. The one that I have is white and it has an suction cup on the bottom. So I am able to stick it about just anywhere and ride the hell out of it..  I tell you this has been my staple for the last few days.. I brought it in May. I just used it yesterday. Man I couldn't even get off this thing.. I would put it on my computer chair. I am riding it while I play farmville, yoville, and cafe world. I can't tell you how many times I have nutted.

Then just today I kept pulling this bad boy out.. All I can say is Ice Ice Baby.. It has been my stress reliever... I just had to tell the world about my ICE... It is really addictive...

Letting it all reflect...

 

It was back to work for me today. I did end up having a great weekend. It took me pushing myself out of the house on Saturday.  I never did make it to my father side of the family cookout. I really did want to go so I can see who else I am kin too. It seems like they are floating every where. I told my dad onetime his family is a bunch of whores *the men of course*.. LOL

I went out with my bestie..  Then another one of my friends from Georgia came up.. Went out to party and I can say we had a GREAT time. The only thing that was bothering me was the fact that my Georgia friend man was working my nerves. It seemed that he wanted and felt he needed a play by play of her where a bouts.  I tell you I wanted to curse him out so bad. Then he gets mad because her phone lost signal.  She did come back to where they were staying at a certain time. I tell you I am so happy I am single right now. That made me really not even want to be in a relationship. I even posted on my Facebook page, Thank you Jesus I am single.  What was so funny is that he commented on it... I was like go ahead stupid ass.. This man has cheated on her so many times until it is pathetic.  I guess they have an understanding.. I sure hell don't... 

Then Sunday went to two Cookouts. One just went and ate. Then other one just stopped by for a few drinks and chit chat. I was glad that I did get out the house. So good to be around good people. I can't wait until the weekend. I think I am going to do it up.. I want to go get so wasted.. LOL

Then I had one of the best conversations. See I am a closet freak. I love hearing things that has to do with sex. Hell I am a sexual being. I just can't help it one bit. We were talking about somethings. About over hearing someone have sex. Hearing the moans and groans just make ya moist and wanna masturbate or even join in the fun.. LOL  The only problem is one of the people I don't think I could get down with. They aren't my cup of tea.  Yet they want me to join on in.  I want to because it will get me a chance to be a little closer to someone I really really enjoy being with. So who knows.. You might get a play by play on what happens, only if I let it happen. 

I also FINALLY got to see my crush. It was almost 2 weeks since I last saw him. He came over last night after dropping his daughter off. He took her to see the fireworks. I was so happy to see him. He seen my mother at church yesterday and he asked about how I was doing. I don't know why he did such a thing, because I just talked to him the day before. My mother loves him to death. She likes that he has so much mannerism.  I told her I believe he is just scared of her. LOL

Well anyway, we laid around watch tv and talked. I wanted him to stay the night but, he felt that since I had to go back to work in the early am. It would be best if he left.  I ended up not sleeping. Fireworks and gun shot consumed my night. Even thinking about my crush kept me up half the night. He is just so freaking awesome. I just wish he think the same. He don't believe in his greatness all that much. 

I am starting to see golden skies. It is a wonderful feeling right now. I am reflecting on it. I might go through a lot of storms but in the end, the sun always shines on me.  I love it.. I hope that is more to come. 

So tired of fighting...

The last few days of my vacation has made me sour...  I am tired.. I mean really tired... This time off work got me a few days to collect myself.  I figured out what is really wrong with me. I am really and truly an emotional wreck.  I can't handle the things that I thought I could.  Growing up I always got my way. Now it seems that any slight thing I want for myself doesn't even happen.

I fight for love, I fight for respect, I fight for my dignity.. It seems all of it fails. So why am I here? Why am I standing here with nothing but the ground and me?  For so long I tried to show myself as a loyal and happy person. Yes sometime my mood does come out. Overall I am always the happy go lucky person.. A woman that don't show her weakness or feelings. In act as if I am a storm that never gets defeated.. 

Boy was I wrong. Everything came over me yesterday. Dealing with the bull my crush laid on me. I swear I tried with him too. I believed that he really did want the same things that I wanted. Oh well, his lost I say. I don't regret anything though. It was all good while it lasted. I've known him all his life.. I will know him for the rest of my life. He help me see where I need to be.

Then going back to where I felt was a turning point in my life.. Wondering what went wrong and so forth. It is coming down on me. There is something missing.  It is A LOT missing in my life. I don't dwell on it though. It just makes me wonder, what did I do that was so bad.  I have people in my corner but it still seems like I am the only one standing.

Just today I broke down and cried most of the day. I woke up this morning with a call from someone that I told to leave me alone. I don't believe he got the message, so I had to lay it on him again. When you treat someone as badly as he treated me, why in the world would you want to remain friends with them.  I just don't get his logic.

I am hold on to my faith now. They say trouble don't last always. So maybe one day.. I will see the beauty in all this. I don't know if this trial is a strengthening tool. It seems like I am so weak right now.. I am giving up.. It is what it is... It will be what it will be... Whatever happens, I just got to deal with it and not run away or sugarcoat it...

Life... what many lessons it teaches us...