He didn't come for me, He came for her!

Last week I got some news.. I mean news 5 years ago would have been exciting to me.. It hasn't phased me much since I heard the news..

MC told me last week that he was moving back to Greenville for Good.. For years I wanted him to move back, just to see if there was something still between us. After the last couple of visits he made down here, he promised to meet up with me.. He never came.. Beside about one time, when I went up there I never saw him.. He was either busy or just didn't have time. So they you know the way I felt about him, I felt that it's a lost cause and just move on.

I think he has been in town for the last  3 days and I haven't heard a word.. I know when he was dating someone else from this area they broke up because she wanted him to move back down here. Well I know how much he loved her. Yea, he would call and talk to me about their problems. He felt that he was getting the Karma for the way he treated me. In which that could be so.. LOL Anyhoo, I don't know but I do know when he comes here he does see her..

I used to wonder, How can he love her? She has several kids, she is materialistic, she thinks everything suppose to be about her.. Then I got to see her once.. She is gorgeous.. She is a redbone (high yella almost looks mixed). She is a heavy girl but big in the right places.. You know big hips and booty.. Me... Darkskinned, Out of Shape, Flatbooty, and Dreads.. Now I know I am cute, you can't tell me I am not. I do know these men around here I am not appealing too.. I posted before how the light brights and the white chicks get all the men around here. Also me being a woman who loves black men (darkerskin) I get over looked..

Even my bestest still lusting over his ex girl. So I decided to just stop fooling myself with him. We are friends and we have been friends for years.. I am not going to taint that relationship with him, because I love him. So I don't want to lose what we have. So we are going to remain that, nothing more.
Even me and MC have grown to respect each other as far as being nice to one another..
So he is back, and it really doesn't matter.. I can say I am finally moved passed that and going to continue to live my life..
I wish him well...

Don't like this feeling...

Even though I have embraced being single and not getting involved with anyone else.. Today I got slapped in the face... I miss it.. I miss the feeling of love.. I miss being in the arms of someone.. 

I was washing dishes and I got a whiff of a smell that reminded me of a man. OMG I thought I was going to fall out.. That scent took me to a place where I was remembering what it felt like to be in the arms of a man. To smell his scent when we were on our way out for the evening.. 

Why does things have to be this way? Trying to grip of things.. I broke down and started balling.. These emotions these emotions.. I am getting so TIRED of them.. I know the other night when I was writing my entries for my series My Journey.. I broke down and started crying about how hard it is for me to love.. 

I just want to feel the REAL LOVE.. I have people who want to go out with me.. Then it seems that they only want what's comes in between my legs.. So I have to back away from them.. I wish I had an admirer that would go the distance just to notice I just want to be held. You know laying on the couch watching a good movie and I am in their arms feeling safe and secure.. That was one of the things I missed about Cooper.. He had his ways but he never mind just being there to hold me. 

Being home on the weekend after working hard all week.. I come in the house and rarely go out.. There is hardly anything to do anymore.. I am seriously at the age where I want to settle down.. I just don't know what it will take to find someone to settle with. 

I feel that I am a very loyal and understanding woman.. I am a great catch.. I can say I am a little picky but we all have our preferences.. It's not that I have a long list... I want a Loving, God Fearing, well Groomed, Humorous, Working man.. Is that too much to ask? I can bring Love, Understanding, Commitment, Loyalty,  Humor, and Honesty to the table.. 

My friend today had a status on his Facebook about how men and women over look the good women and men because of their looks and financial status.. I believe that is true in some cases.. I am not the best looking (although I am quick to say I am the finest thing around) person.. I might not be rolling in the dough either.. I live mostly paycheck to paycheck.. I have had people in the past break up with me because of my lacks of.. 

So as I embrace the single life.. Deep inside I miss the companionship of a relationship.. The rest of my life might be living alone and I have come to deal with it.. It just at times I really would like to feel that I am a pleasure to be around.. I still dream of the day that I am the 1st and last things someone thinks about.. A dream that I am never gonna stop having.. .

Day 11...... I thought you Loved Me!!

Day 11~ Whom (no names, if you prefer) did you love, who didn't love you back?


It looked like a relationship.. We acted like we were in a relationship.. We shared everything together like a relationship... I said "I loved you".. He acted like  he loved me back...  Maybe he did... Maybe he didn't...


I never could understand the whole thing.. His actions at the time was as if he loved me.. It was the reason why I fell so hard for him.. He was a wonderful person.. Our life seemed like it was going to move forward.. We made plans to be together FOREVER.. If it wasn't in marriage, it was going to be in friendship.. 


I sacrificed a lot for him. I lost friends behind him. I didn't care, I finally had LOVE like no other.. I was with a man I loved.. My life revolved around his.. It seemed like my life was revolved around him too.. 
Then one day while out on a trip.. He had moved to North Carolina a few years earlier.. So I thought he would have been happy that I came up there.. My online group was having a meet and greet.. He seem at 1st to be happy.. The he started acting really funny.. I came all the way out of town just to spend time with him and my online group... I barely saw him at the time. When I did get to see him, he was short with me.  Even when we had sex that night he was really off.. That morning he leaves really quick..  I called one of my online friends to go downstairs with me.. I proceed to see him eating breakfast with a group of women he just met.. I was getting really pissed, but didn't say much.. I waited for him to finished.. Me and my friend walks outside.. I went to confront him... I could have dropped dead right there.. In front of my friend he goes to say.. "TRACY, LEAVE ME ALONE... I DON'T LOVE YOU the way YOU LOVE ME!!!" 
Six fucking years... Six MUTHERFUCKING YEARS... I thought I had him figured out.. I wasted SIX YEARS.. 
You can go back and visit what I had to say back then...I still love this man.. Too bad he didn't love me back.. I'm slowly getting over it.. I came to the realization, Love isn't for me.. So I deal with it..  

Day 9.. The night I fell completely in love...

Day 9~ Tell us about the first time you ever made love (not had sex)..


The first time I made love.. It was the first time doing it with someone that I truly thought I loved.. It was a magical and the most passionate night of my life.. The whole thing is still embedded in my brain.. 


It was May 5th 2004.. My feelings for MC was getting stronger.. It was the night we had a cookout at his place with his roommates..  It was the first time he really had me around his friends (although I knew his friends first).. Yet they finally knew me and him was an item.. 
We partied until late night.. Everyone went into their rooms and knocked out.. Me and MC went into his.. This wasn't the first time we had sex, but it was the first time we both felt our hearts mend together.. He was so passionate, slow, and kind.. He explored my body in ways no man or woman had ever done..  It felt so right.. It felt so good.. It felt like heaven came all down me.. It was also the first time I saw pixie dust and rainbows.. I don't know what that man did to me.. I just knew the first time we kissed and made love.. It showed me I was more in love with the man.. 

Day 3~ My Last Relationship... I believe somethings were worth it...

3~ Last/Most Recent Love...what they meant/mean to you...




My last LOVE, I have talked about him on here many of times. I was in another world with this man. He was out of my norm, but ended up being like the rest.  We had some good times. It lasted for 6 years and I fought so hard to make that relationship with stand the end of time. I tried everything I could to make it work. Sometimes I felt that my trying so hard is some of the reasons why we aren't together today...


He is still my love of my life. I haven't gotten over him totally. I think in the back of my mind I am still holding out in hopes that one day he will come back and make it official. I know it is a bit far fetched. I can still dream. He is trying to move on and I am respecting that. I try to keep our conversations limited. When he calls me I keep it simple and short. The feeling is still there even thought it is going on 3 years now since we broke up.. Yea it has been that long. You would think I would have gotten over it by now.. I don't know if it is me being scared or the limited choices in men...

It's been awhile... Here's the story....

It has been a lot going on with me the last few weeks. It first starts off with my Friend that I am digging. He has been going through somethings and plus trying to move. So I was dealing with that issue.. Then it was my other friend that is getting on my last nerves. They never call until they want something. So I have been putting him on ignore. Then it all ends with MC and his warped mind.

I enjoy the time I get to spend with Digging Friend.. He is not only nice to look at, but has so much  mannerism, and ugggg I don't know how to really put it into words. I am I just not used to this type of thing. I like it, don't get me wrong. I still feel bad that I assumed the other stuff about him. He really is a nice guy.. Plus we are the same sign.. So I know we are loving people...

Ok,, I made the mistake the other week to tell MC about what was going on with Digging Friend...  I thought that it would be nice that if we was still friends. I mean hey, I am not mad at him for finally moving on in life. I am so... Just that one day he really rubbed me the wrong way with his words. He was telling me not to waste my time on something. I should wait on what I really want.  Well those word broke out a can of ass grease... I was like I can't believe he just said that. I waited 6 years for this man. I still didn't have what I wanted. Then he is going to tell me not to waste my time.,,,

Well so then he felt as if I said that our relationship was a waste.  I never said those words.  I was just thinking how dare he say something like that. Then went on to call me a lil girl... All this other stuff that I will not put on here out of respect. I still can manage to be that.  I just know that my feeling were hurt. 

At that time it was proven that I was just never the woman that he wanted me to be. He wanted someone that was not me. I tell you some men kill me with this. I am a responsible person. I have been taking care of myself since I was 15 years old. I don't ask no one for anything. I work, I pay my bills, and I am at a happy place in my life. All because I feel that a man, if he truly loves a woman... He will ask for marriage, move her in with him, and respect that she is a woman.  If she walking around with the have nots, you would give it to her. .

I tried to make a mends with him. I guess he didn't want it.. So I am still keeping my head up.. I am moving on.. I still in a happy place in life... I love me and that is all that matters... 

"You let go and I'll let go too"

Over the weekend I got the reality check that needed to be cashed a long time ago. It was the fact that MC truly doesn't believe in OUR future. I had hope that the man I love would one day see that we could be good together. I was hurt but I tried not to let anyone see my pain.

Hearing those words... Tracy, I don't love you like you love me... It felt like a knife shot straight to my heart. I couldn't believe those words. All these years he claimed to love me. All these years I dealt with the emotional pain he put on me.

He really had me on a emotional roller coaster from the start. I would just look to the left and say, He loves me though. We would break up many times and still end up back together. He would have a change of heart, but my heart was still beating for him. It makes me think of the EX-Factor song by Lauryn Hill.. A few of those verses was really me and MC.

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will


No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

I don't know what is to become of us. I truly don't know what is going to become of me. I do know. I never saw him act this cold until this past weekend. I saw the look of I am through with you. I saw the look that I can't keep on living this lie with you. We never been so disconnected in the whole time we been together. So yea... He let go.. I am going to let go too...

My Thoughts of Today... Being Patient

I been here thinking.. I have been up and down with the love of my life. I have always been patient with him.

My past with him has been so so. I do know that even at the worst of times I still loved him. I promise him I would practice being even more patient.

He is one that hasn't had many women in his life. He was sorta of a shelter and shy boy growing up. He witness the relationship between his mother and father not be so good. So sometimes I think it is a deeper issue as to why a relationship is so hard for him. His father wasn't always around and when he was he wasn't there for his kids. Yet the love his mother had for his father never changed. If he did wrong she still was there for the man.

I kinda feel like his mother in some way. I wouldn't have put up with the things his father did. I do know my love for him is even stronger as we aren't together at this moment. I have learned in my past, that a man isn't always ready when the woman is. You can not force it just let it flow into place.

I have over the last 5 years been letting things fall into place. I think today was one of the days that my patience has paid off. It hasn't gotten the results that I wanted. It is still shows some progress. Today I heard the words that I been wanting to hear for the longest... Tracy, I am happy to have you in my life... It was weird and I had to wait for a second to let it all soak in.

The most ironic thing was those words was told to me by his mother in a dream last night. I had a dream that me and him got into it at his mother's house. She said, You better stop acting like that. She is the best thing that ever happened to you. You outta be happy she is still with you. So when he told me this I was so dumbfounded.

I am still being patient and I am not jumping back into to something with him. I am going to wait and see how things pan out. He is and I feel will always be the love of my life. Have you just ever found someone that you can feel totally comfortable with? I have that with him, even if we aren't in a relationship..

I am letting things fall into place. I was blessed when God gave me the gift of patience. Good things always come to those who wait.. I am willing too...

My thought of Today...MC

I don't know if you all over here know much about this guy. I do know all my online friends have been here with me. It has been good times and not so good times when it came to this man. Just the other week I wrote a blog on my website about my Love Addiction.

I am seriously in love with him. I know that he loves me back. It is just at times I know I am the root to the problems. I have been one of those women who can be demanding in a relationship. I know that one day it is going to lead me to being alone for the rest of my life.

He deals with it and sometimes I don't even know why. I guess I have the good good. Well right now we aren't together, but we remain friends. Sometimes I think that is better for us. We get along more now, hehehehe..

There are so many reasons why I love this man. One of them is the fact that he actually listens to me. I can go on and on about something. He will know what I am talking about, he never tunes me out. He accepts me and my flaws. I have issues and he has dealt with them pretty good. Also he is like on of the best motivators when I feel bad.

Our problem is that we are too much alike. I am moody and so is he. Sometimes we can get on each other nerves. I mean LITERALLY. I am older than he is by 6 years. I can understand some of the stuff he says when he needs to explore life. He had a pretty sheltered life in a very small town. Me on the other hand have done almost anything you can name. I also have traveled many places and seen many things.

So at this time that we are apart we are going to see if we really want to be together for a life time. I made this playlist that makes me think of him.....










Know that I love you MC... If it is meant to be it will be...