OMG!!

Feeling like a rock in a hard place is becoming too much for me. I had high hopes for this month. I just knew that everything was going to fall into place.. Man, was I wrong..

I don't know what to do but a lot of it is at one point in time I was too nice to the wrong people.
I am trying not to be hard on myself and I am also not trying to block the blessings that have already been stowed upon me.

I do want to find some peace in my mind and spirit. It is really taking it's toll.. I know I will eventually be at a point where I need and want to be. Just hoping I don't die before I get there. My stress level is on High Alert..

As far as financial stand point, if I can get a hold of an and extra  200 a  month I will be on the right track as far as bills. I had bill before I had to quit work to take care of mom and they need to be paid.. I am hoping that they can hold on a little longer until/when tax time comes.

All in All I feel things are promising.  I have faith and time on my hands..

My hiatus from Facebook..

This past Monday I said I would deactivate my Facebook if Clemson won..

I tell you their fans will irk the shyt out of you. I live about 15 miles away from there and their FANS are every where.. A lot of them in my family.. When they are winning that's all they talk about. So me being who I am I wanted them to lose.. It would have made my day.. LOL

Now they do have a great team and I am proud of their accomplishments but I tell you them FANS..

They will suck the life out of you. Then watching the news locally OMG... It's every 5 minutes of the news cast they are mentioning Clemson..

I grew up with my father loving them. Then my brother and a few cousins graduated from there.

Through out school most of my teachers went there as well.. (They were a bunch of airheads).. 

I deactivate my account but because a lot of my other accounts are link to them I had to re-activate.. I wasn't happy about that though.. Yet, I haven't read anything on other's timeline. I have even looked at my notifications..

They been having parades,.. Going crazy over the gear and packing out Wal-Mart just to take a picture with the trophy...

I don't think I have missed anything and I said I was going to be away for a month.

Since I haven't been on there I cleaned out my back yard.. I have been reading more..

So taking a break from from Facebook might be good.. 

Especially since I have been going through so much and my depression has been on overload.. I think that breaking away isn't causing me to be took off course..

When Depression seems like it is kicking your butt....

The other day while on Facebook.. I was looking through some of my older post.. I started to think of the person I used to be... (I hate looking back).. I don't know why that started a train of emotions for me.

I used to go out and enjoy life. I used to be the bell of the ball, The life of the party... When I went out I made it a mission to enjoy it to the fullest.. (In some cases I did make bad choices as well)... Anyhoo my 20's was DA Bomb and my early 30's was as well.

I also reflect on how everyone was always around me. I was still a loner too... I was suffering with my mental disease.. I covered it up big time. I didn't want people to think sorry for me.. I always wanted people to think I had my shyt together.. Little did I know this crap will back fired on your arse once you get older. See all these years of saying I am ok.. I got myself in order.. I don't need anyone.. I am doing just fine... When you go telling people I am NOT ok.. People look at me like I am crazy.. What? "Tracy you're strong, you don't need no one"..

Once that is said to me.. I shut folks out.. I know there are others out there in the same boat or worse... I just feel like some just don't understand.. Granted I know how to push through it.. I have done it for years.. Then the longing for love and understanding doesn't make it any better..
Beside a FEW folks in my circle of friends, and I mean few.. I still keep in contact with.. Keeps in contact with me at least once or twice a month.. About 2 to 3 family members do as well..

This depression keeps me non motivate, misery, and drained.. If you never been through it (everyone have bad days,, Yet when it's days, months, years) you don't know this feeling..

Watching my mom go through all these changes MAN, it makes it worse... Then trying to maintain this household, watch over her, and keep myself up.. I feel like I am at my wit's end.. I keep my faith in God that his will is going to see us through all this..

Me not knowing happiness and what it is that would make me happy is a downer but I am not going to let this defeat me.. I feel that one day something will come through...