When Depression seems like it is kicking your butt....

The other day while on Facebook.. I was looking through some of my older post.. I started to think of the person I used to be... (I hate looking back).. I don't know why that started a train of emotions for me.

I used to go out and enjoy life. I used to be the bell of the ball, The life of the party... When I went out I made it a mission to enjoy it to the fullest.. (In some cases I did make bad choices as well)... Anyhoo my 20's was DA Bomb and my early 30's was as well.

I also reflect on how everyone was always around me. I was still a loner too... I was suffering with my mental disease.. I covered it up big time. I didn't want people to think sorry for me.. I always wanted people to think I had my shyt together.. Little did I know this crap will back fired on your arse once you get older. See all these years of saying I am ok.. I got myself in order.. I don't need anyone.. I am doing just fine... When you go telling people I am NOT ok.. People look at me like I am crazy.. What? "Tracy you're strong, you don't need no one"..

Once that is said to me.. I shut folks out.. I know there are others out there in the same boat or worse... I just feel like some just don't understand.. Granted I know how to push through it.. I have done it for years.. Then the longing for love and understanding doesn't make it any better..
Beside a FEW folks in my circle of friends, and I mean few.. I still keep in contact with.. Keeps in contact with me at least once or twice a month.. About 2 to 3 family members do as well..

This depression keeps me non motivate, misery, and drained.. If you never been through it (everyone have bad days,, Yet when it's days, months, years) you don't know this feeling..

Watching my mom go through all these changes MAN, it makes it worse... Then trying to maintain this household, watch over her, and keep myself up.. I feel like I am at my wit's end.. I keep my faith in God that his will is going to see us through all this..

Me not knowing happiness and what it is that would make me happy is a downer but I am not going to let this defeat me.. I feel that one day something will come through...