I'm done... I tried....

It's been a tiring week for me. I am almost surprise I am still able to function. This past week I was getting ready for my party. It turned out to be pretty good.. I was hoping that it was more people turning out. In some ways I am glad that it didn't. I woulda had a mess...

I've been under so much stress lately. I worrying about people to darn much. I don't know where in the world I picked up this habit.

On Tuesday my friend came by. It was good seeing him. I know that things aren't going the way he wants them too. I just wish he understood that I will be there for him. I like him just that much. I haven't heard from him since. Everyone is telling me to give him time. Give him a chance to sort things out. I am one of those people who can't stand when no communication is going on. I like to know if they are doing ok.  So I sent a few text messages just to let him know. It might seems like he has forgotten about me, but I haven't forgotten about him. So I basically am saying that... I am so done with it.. I feel like at least he could send a text back..

I am also sorting out some way to make some extra money. Times are getting really hard. Then I am just tired of working where I am. It is getting old by the years. I spent so much time into that place. I feel like I am in such a rut, I don't know what to do.  My bills are barely getting paid right now.. I keeping the faith though. Hopefully one day this all will pan out.  I am keeping my head up.

It's been awhile... Here's the story....

It has been a lot going on with me the last few weeks. It first starts off with my Friend that I am digging. He has been going through somethings and plus trying to move. So I was dealing with that issue.. Then it was my other friend that is getting on my last nerves. They never call until they want something. So I have been putting him on ignore. Then it all ends with MC and his warped mind.

I enjoy the time I get to spend with Digging Friend.. He is not only nice to look at, but has so much  mannerism, and ugggg I don't know how to really put it into words. I am I just not used to this type of thing. I like it, don't get me wrong. I still feel bad that I assumed the other stuff about him. He really is a nice guy.. Plus we are the same sign.. So I know we are loving people...

Ok,, I made the mistake the other week to tell MC about what was going on with Digging Friend...  I thought that it would be nice that if we was still friends. I mean hey, I am not mad at him for finally moving on in life. I am so... Just that one day he really rubbed me the wrong way with his words. He was telling me not to waste my time on something. I should wait on what I really want.  Well those word broke out a can of ass grease... I was like I can't believe he just said that. I waited 6 years for this man. I still didn't have what I wanted. Then he is going to tell me not to waste my time.,,,

Well so then he felt as if I said that our relationship was a waste.  I never said those words.  I was just thinking how dare he say something like that. Then went on to call me a lil girl... All this other stuff that I will not put on here out of respect. I still can manage to be that.  I just know that my feeling were hurt. 

At that time it was proven that I was just never the woman that he wanted me to be. He wanted someone that was not me. I tell you some men kill me with this. I am a responsible person. I have been taking care of myself since I was 15 years old. I don't ask no one for anything. I work, I pay my bills, and I am at a happy place in my life. All because I feel that a man, if he truly loves a woman... He will ask for marriage, move her in with him, and respect that she is a woman.  If she walking around with the have nots, you would give it to her. .

I tried to make a mends with him. I guess he didn't want it.. So I am still keeping my head up.. I am moving on.. I still in a happy place in life... I love me and that is all that matters... 

Wondering where everything might lead me....

I had a lot of things on my mind today. Then once I got to the point of typing it all here. I totally forgot almost everything I was wanting to say.

I am always focusing on the future. What road am I going to go down. Then I kept getting stopped by the stop sign. It leaves me confused.

I don't know why I am a mental case. People don't believe me and I don't want to claim it. I just know that I am about to lose my mind. I try to find other things to do.. I try to keep my mind together. It just goes all over the place. I can be at work and my mind start wandering in all different directions.  Is this normal. At times I think I even lose sleep over it...  So as I sit and wondering... All these things I am going through... Where is this really going to lead me.

One of my cousins today said he believes he is going to end up being a grumpy old man... You know what.. I believe I am going to be the same way.. Not a grumpy old man of course. Yet a grumpy old woman. I just been in the mood as F it.. I am tired of dealing with people that do not have any conscience. I always respect other people feelings..So why is it so hard for others to do the same.. I swear we live in a world of selfishness...

I also felt the love and the act of kindness come my way.. This lady gave me 100 dollars out the blue. She said God said give it to me. I was just so shocked by it all. I told her to keep it, but she said NO.. It did help me out a lot. I also gave some of it away.

I am so trying to remain positive. I am trying to be the best I can be.. I just hope it doesn't come to the point where I just shut everyone down...

I am digging you...

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mother's out there.. 

Today is such a beautiful day. I cooked for my mother and my auntie.. After all was over and done with, I got to relax.

I was laying on the bed and I started thinking of him once again. I really don't know what the deal is. I don't think we really had a chance just to sit and talk about things. So I really don't know where he is coming from at this point.

I know he likes my company.  I am still sorry for thinking so bad of him the other week. It was just what was running through my head. It was so good to see him yesterday although I think he felt a little uncomfortable because of all the people that start coming into my house. So he left. I wanted him to stay but he wanted to go. So I was kinda let down. In the end I saw why he left. I think I would have too..

I don't want to make the 1st move as far as telling him I enjoy his company and loves having him around. Wishing that it was more frequent than it is currently. I dig him. I have always had a crush on him. So when he finally noticed me, you just don't know. We have some kind of chemistry but I don't quite know what it is right now. I want me some him though...

I will continue to take this slow and try and figure out what he really wants to do...I don't want to end up looking like a fool....

I feel like an Ass....

I really feel like a total ass. I have been through so much with men. I just assumed something about someone. I kinda feel bad about it. When I felt that  guy just didn't want to come over that day, because I denied him sex. Well it comes to the point that wasn't the reason.

I don't forgive him though. I just feel that I was so quick to assume that was the reason. So now I am staring and walking around like a donkey's butt...

I already knew he was going through something. We talked about it a few times. Well he is the quiet type and when he is in his moods.. He doesn't say anything. I did tell him what ever he is going through, he should have called me. I waited and thought it was something that I did or said to him. It hurt me to think that would have been the reason of him not calling me.


Well things are cool for right now.. I just going to stop jumping to conclusions..

You know what.... I don't know what to think...

I am at a lost for words again. I don't know what to think of the events of the last few days. I just know I am not liking it. As I stated in the earlier entry that I am happy right now. I feel that I found someone that would be the right suit for me. Enjoying his company and not rushing anything.

Well the last few times I have noticed him getting aroused when we touch. I have noticed that he looks all dreamy at me. I think it is cute and it is a real boost of confidence for me.  I still want to take this slow. I am not ready for what sex might bring. Sex always seem to damage my way of thinking.

Yesterday was even more awkward.  I didn't stay at home the night before. I hung out with my cousin. So I told him that I will meet up with him later on that day. Well I don't live by myself. So he asked me would I like to come over to his house for a change. I thought about and I was like no.. I can't trust myself being alone with him right now. I am most comfortable at my own home. Well he agreed that it was cool and everything. He said he would hit me up when he is on his way.. That was around 5pm yesterday evening. I haven't heard from ole dude yet.

This morning I saw him on FB for a hot second. I didn't get any response from him or nothing. So I am so dumbfounded. I took a chance to talk to this man and he is acting funny. I have known him all his life but I never thought that he was this type. I might be jumping the gun, but I didn't get no type of call.

So it leads me to believe that because I wasn't willing to give into sex, he is not interested. I could be wrong but what am I to think. My cousin believes he is backing off because he wants it and he doesn't want to get to close right now. I am just shocked by his actions right now. I hope and pray that it isn't what I thought.

I really enjoy this guy. I want to see where this might lead us. I just hope it won't break the friendship that we have now.