I'm Smiling....

You know sometimes not giving up is a good thing. I have been silent about someone that has really caught my attention since he was a young guy.  I would never say anything because at the time I was almost 18 and he was 15. I know... Well I thought he was the cutest young man.

So when he got older, every time I saw him I would get all dreamy eyed. I have seen him in countless relationships. I always wondered why he dated them. I kept my mouth shut though. Over the last few years, I started noticing how he would look at me. I would never say anything. He would also ask about my relationship with MC. It was like he was really concerned about how I was.

Then when I told him that me and MC were no longer together. The question of me and him hanging out became more into play. I would kinda push him off. I just didn't see him wanting to hang out with me. So I didn't know if he was just playing or not.

A few months ago, he added me as a friend on Facebook. So every time he was online he would hit me up. I would always get this bright smile when I saw his name. He started asking me what days were I off from work. I would tell him. Then he would say, I am coming over.  When I saw that my mouth dropped. I didn't know what to say or do. I just agreed and said, OK....

Well over the last few days he has been here EVERYDAY... We would sit and watch movies, listen to music, and talk.  I didn't realize how cool he really was. He brought a smile to my face for sure. He has also gave me new train of thought. I am not saying that this is going to go anywhere. It just feels good to have a male coming around again.

I am not going to get my hopes up. I don't really know his intentions. I just know that it is something different about him. I have known him half of his life. He always been a laid back kind of fella.. He sent me a note this morning on FB and told me how much fun he is having with me. He said I am a really good girl and he is glad that he finally said something to me.  So you know I am smiling from ear to ear right now.

He is coming over tonight too.. He said he is afraid that he might wear out his welcome. I told him to let me decide that... I am going to cook and we gonna watch some more movies...

Love is blind.. But we can't be stupid...

Love is so blind. We can care so much for a person to it blinds us as to what is really going on. I hate that someone could go through that. I have been through that so many times. I feel for those who don't know how to get out.

I talked to someone last night that  I feel we have such a warm connection with. She seems to be a wonderful woman. I hate that some days she feels down. I was happy to know that I was able to lift her spirits.

She has been in love with someone for a while now. It is going on some years that they have been together. She said she can't count on one hand how many time her man cheated on her.  At times she gets mad, but then know that she loves him so much. She tends to let it all slide away. It is to the next time she finds out about someone else. Now this can be a dangerous situation. You never know what another person is capable of doing. I just hope that soon she will find away to value herself a lot more. She is too beautiful and such an awesome soul to put up with it.

I've been there. I was with someone for years and they cheated on me constantly. It might have been physical just once. He was just a mental cheater. I forgot what the term they called it. It is like talking to other that you have not been physical with yet have feeling for. I would always put it to the side. It was mostly because I enjoyed being in his company and he was very good to me.

After all is said an done. Are we so blinded to where we can't see the truth. The lies, The deceit, and emotions that come with it all... Love really makes us do and say stupid things. So many of us been blinded by love. I am just glad I have finally learned the signs. So in the long run I won't feel stupid in the end.

This post is all about ME... Who I was.. Part I

I was talking to my cousin (best friend) just yesterday. It used to be a point where things were all about me. How I wanted things to go... How I did things just because I was doing me. It gave me such power. I loved it at one point. I tell you though... The backlash of the lifestyle I used to live. It is not good. I now live in a lonely world now.. My karma has finally set in.

I know that I might put to much of my business out here for the world to see. I am just writing what is on my mind. I am writing because in some ways, it might be other people out here going through what I have went through. I don't regret the things I have done. I just wonder what happened.. What made me do the things that I did. Was I that lost to what I didn't really know what was going on.....

I am about to tell you all some things.. I might get a big ole eye roll.. I might get a maybe that is why she acts the way she does type of comment. I am just going to tell you... This post is all about me.. My life, the way I lived, the way I am now getting over it all..

The first thing is.. I am a total freak. Sex used to be a STRONG part of my life. When I say I have done almost everything there is to do sexually I have done it. I played both roles. I was a freak and at some point I might have been a whore.. I loved sex. I needed sex... I needed that physical contact. It didn't matter if was from a guy, girl, or my toys.. It all started early in my teens... I was masturbating at the age of 11... I started fucking at the age of 12...  I knew I like girls at the age of 9.. So I don't know what in the hell I went through. I don't remember hardly anything on my childhood.

Then I was constantly dating older guys. At the age of 16 (which people thought I was like 21) I was dating a guy who was already out of school and had children. I think he was like 22 years of age.. He would pick me up everyday and fuck the hell out of me.. When I say I couldn't get enough. He was a small guy.. Yet I would let him play in my pussy all day if he wanted too.. Well after I would leave him.. I would call up another guy and literally beg him to come over after my mother went to sleep...Now he was a BIGGER dude.. Man I loved it.. To this day I sometimes have flashbacks on how good his stuff was...

It hurt me when I found out #1 was messing around with someone else.. Then #2 ended up going to jail.. So there I was... I was not getting dick for a hot minute... That's when I started kicking it with my best friend.. I knew that she was bi at the time.. We always had similar qualities...  So we got along good.. (whew I miss her)  We ended up having a private thing going on... It was cool while it lasted...

Then back in the mid 90's... I met my match... I met a man that was going to give it to me anyway I wanted it.. I met someone who like my twin soul. He loved sex.. The freakier the better.. I am not going to go into all of the things me and this man used to do.. I will say... It has changed my life forever... So when I say.. Karma is a bitch... I am living it right now...

I am totally scared of severe weather....

I have been hearing about the bad weather that is coming our way. We all know it is Gods work. I will tell you though I am death scared of those things. It is the lighting and the wind that I am most afraid of.  Now thunder way off doesn't bother me as bad.

Spring is the one season that I am not a fan of. The pollen, the Thunderstorms, and Bees... It would be nice just to skip spring all together. The weather man said it should weaken  a lot by the time it reach us. Yet it will be a possible chance of a strong storm that might produce a isolated tornado.

When they say Tornado, I freaks out. I don't know what it is about that.  I pray for those who have went through it. I pray that God covers us all while it is going on..  Southeast I hope that you all are ok... 

When I say I am Spirtual... (my vent on fb)

I want to start this off by saying.. I love my God.. I believe in Jesus.. I am spiritual and I have my own personal relationship with the man above. So what I don't choose to go to Church. I might go on occasions and I may wait years until I step into the building. It does not make me a BAD person. We all are sinners that fall short. I am and you will never see me claimed to be holy than thou. Most Christians I come in contact with are just that SINNERS.. No one is perfect in my eyes. I don't play with my God. I don't have to say a scripture every time I feel that I have to make an impression on someone else.

This morning me and my moms had an argument. She complains because I don't go to Church like I should. She said I need to start going. She isn't the only one who have said that to me...Granted, I do need to go to get the word. It is not the Church I have problems with. I can stay in there all day long and feel great. It is just I can't take some of the people that resides in them.
Like I said before, I am not going to play with God. I know he died for our sins. If we ask him for forgiveness then he has the right to choose whether or not to let us into everlasting life in heaven with him.

I run across many people who claim to be Christian and do not do Christian acts. God is love, so why is it hard for some people not to love one another. They roam the streets screw anything that floats across. They are out in bars drinking (which I love to do) and do who knows what and why. Now I do know that people have the choice to do what ever they like. I just wish that some will spread a little love around the place. STOP TALKING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND WHAT THEY AREN'T DOING.. Sweep around your own front door.. PLEASE...

Do you know putting judgment on someone is a SIN? Do you know that adultery is a SIN? Do you know stealing is a SIN? These are a few things that are posted in the 10 Commandments... So why is it so hard for some just to see... Love is not.. Acceptance is not... Giving another person space to grow is not.. It is not a sin to let people be who they are.. You can not force nothing upon someone that they have to work themselves to get too..

So is being a spiritual being so wrong? I know right from wrong.. I am grown.. I have my personal relationship with God.. I pray, I worship, my body is my temple and God lives there... So back off...

Out with the Old in with the New... My thought of the day....

Those who know me know that I had a major crush on Blu Cantrell...  Well as of the last few months I have caught myself googling eyes on Khole Kardashian.  Blu will be in my heart forever but I have been truly keeping up with the Kardashian's.. LOL

Now Now I am not a Stalker in any means. I just see I like her style, her feisty ways, and her beautiful thick curves.  I know she is married. All in all we all have crushes every now and again right....

I know some of my friends are going to clown me.  She has black in her (Odom). Plus she is a descendant of Armenian people... So she is still in the ethnic category.
So you might catch me from time to time talking about her. All things Khloe...

Da weekend run down.

Over the weekend me and my friends got together again for our Seafood Party... The picture above is from the last one we had.  I will tell you this one was our last one that we are going to have. It was fun but this time we had entirely too much seafood. It was several people who didn't show up too.  I enjoy the time that I get to spend with my friends. Especially since my mood has been so down.

So after eating and have a few drinks.. We all decided to go out for the night. We did have someone that remain sober.  We hit up a bar that my ex works at. It was good seeing him. He seem to always put a smile on my face with his silly self. After that we rode around checking to see what things are open.
I tell you the funniest part of that night was we ended up at a Mexican Strip club.. I still can't get over the things that I saw.  I am so LOL on the whole thing.

I went to the Anderson Jockey Lot on Sunday. I am not a big fan of that place, but I did buy a few things. When I finally made it home. I tell you I was so beat out. I think I ended up sleeping the rest of the day away. So getting up this morning getting ready for work, it wasn't a good look...I want to crawl back into bed...
 

Tell me before it is too late...

I was sitting here thinking about when my cousin Tim had passed.  It was hard for the whole family because he was so well liked and loved. Friends we didn't even know he had packed out the church that day. I mean our BIG church had people even in the balcony. We ran out of programs twice. I was happy to know that a lot of people showed up.  Even it was to be nosy. I knew they loved him or he touched their lives in some kinda way.

When Tim was getting sick and I knew he never would come back home. I felt as if I was losing my best friend. I raised him, but still he felt like my younger brother. I help take care of him at an early age.  I think he got the Diva attitude from me. LOL... When they sent him to hospice, I just could never go. I didn't want to see him suffer like that. I knew he was ready. I knew he just wanted to keep on moving. Someone had told me, that he told them. If he ever found out he had AIDS he no longer wanted to live. He just wanted to die and get it all over with. One day (before he passed) he begged me to come and see him. I just couldn't I tried to explain to him why my heart was just to heavy to see him like that.
He was dying and I know all I would do was cry. He didn't need to see me like that. So he told me to put it all into writing. See he know that I always write down my thoughts. I am not good at telling people things face to face. I can write a letter in a heartbeat though.  So I wrote him a letter and I was going to take it to him.  

That early morning around 12am Hospice gave us a call and said that he had passed. I was relieved and sad at the same time. I ended up rewriting the letter to put in his obituary. He got the letter that he asked for. I am glad that he knew I loved him. I told him that all the time. I am also glad I got the chance to have known such a wonderful person. Although at times he was a mess to deal with.

So what  I am basically trying to say is, don't wait until I die to tell me how you felt about me. Don't come to the funeral just to say how wonderful I am.  I want to know now while I am alive and can understand. I am at the point to where, life is to short. I don't want to die and not know how that person felt. You know the saying.. Don't wait until I die to give me flowers.... Give them to me while I am alive. I believe that it goes the same for words.

I want to know how I impacted a persons life. I want to know if that person cared or not..  So tell me... What do you think of me? How do feel about me?  What kind of person do you see me as? Am I a good friend?  Do you see my loving and caring heart? What do I mean to you?

Those are some of the things I would like to know.. Hey just call me nosy... You never know what just a few words would do to a person... Everyone wants to feel special and loved...

Just one of those days......

I don't know what I am feeling right now.  This morning I woke up to get ready for work and I just felt like blah. Seriously people I am trying to so hard to be happy I am trying to get myself over this. 

See the other day one of the people I had to cut out of my life called. She said she missed me and wanted me to accept her apology.  I did but I told her I always took up for her, stood by her, and was a friend when no one else wanted to be. So I told her that she has to learn how to deal and talk to people. I am not going to let her sit and treat me any kind of way. I am not going to tolerate that.

We also talked about MC. How me and him was together and him being her daughter's Godfather. That got me to thinking about him all over again. How I miss him so much and we no longer communicate. How he is so able to move on and I am still stuck in this fucking rut. How he is giving this older woman so much he wouldn't even give me.  I still feel like shyt. It really makes me feel like that. Its like I wasn't good enough for him.

So while I was at work my attitude and emotions was being really tested. My crackhead cousin came in the store. I already thought to myself, he is in here trying to steal something. I was getting furious. Then he had the nerve to come up to me to talk to me. I don't even like his ass like that.  My manager asked me did I know him. I didn't lie. I said yes that is the crackhead of the family.  So he was like I can't prove that he stole anything. I do want you to tell him that he better not think about stealing from our store. In ways that made me look bad. I also felt bad, cause it was at my job. So when we eat down my aunties house tomorrow. I have a few choices for the crackhead.

I am at the point to where, I just want to be left alone and shut the phone off. I need time to get back on track. I feel that people don't want to be around me until they need something from me. I think it is high time I get them all tole off.  It's just one of those days, that I go through. I hope people don't take it too personal...

When people are bullshyters....

I can't tell you how much a person piss me off more than a BULLSHYTER... I have ran across a few and I tell you, I think they are surrounding me.  I am about tired of it all. Then people always wondering why I act the way that I do.. It is them and maybe a little bit that has to do with me. I do know, I want them to back up off me.

Today at work, I got madder than I ever had. Today was my day off. So one of my co workers want to help out in another department. She didn't like the person who was working with her today. So I told her once she got done, take over and finish the shift. I told her I would work until she was done. How about she tells me that she was going to stay until 2. I was like ok, but if you leave early I will be mad. I was the one that came in on my day off. So I take a bathroom break.. That heffa had left. Yea I am working for her on my day off and she leaves.. So once I see her on Monday... I will have a few choice words for her..

You remember the guy about the Cell phone.. He has the nerve to beg me to get it cut back on. I told him, I don't even have money to live off of and he makes more money than me. So no I am not cutting it back on. I feel he needs to give me something on the bill. Heck it might just get cut off this week anyway. 

I hope this weekend really turns out to be better for me.  Last weekend was a blast. I was blind drunk...  Now I can't drink this one because of work.. So I have to deal with the bull shyters...

My Thought of the Day.. Judging Book by the cover...

I tell you that people are really a mess. I have friends on FB that seem to let their truth colors come out. I have been letting things pass over me. I try not to get to mad at people. Some just don't know what in the world they be thinking.  They speak before using their words wisely.

I saw something that my old classmate said on FB today. One of the news group posted something about a man who shot and killed his mother in law and kidnapped his wife. Well I pray that the daughter is ok and I wish the family well at this time. People are just plain crazy. You don't know when a person is going to flip out.

Well her comment was he must be uneducated, no job, with 20 kids in 5 different states... Now Blog readers, what does that have to do with the crime he committed?  I feel like it was all because of the face she was judging this black man. This is the same person who HATES Obama with a passion. When Obama passed the Health Reform she had all kind of racial, ignorant comments.

I think that people should be careful what they say about people. Never judge a book by it's cover. That person might just be a person you need one day. I am a firm believer of that. I don't know what that guy was going through that committed that crime. I do know he will one day have to face his creator. So me or no one else have the right to judge...

My Thought of the day... Don't add a person to your account...

I should have learned my lesson a long time ago. It is just you try and give a person the benefit of doubt. I always think people are like me. I see that they aren't. My 1st cell phone I had, I added my uncle to the account. It came to the point where he wasn't playing his bill, so it was all left up to me.  So eventually I stopped paying it. I was like I can't keep paying this bill, when he can't even pay his. So I said I would never get another phone for no one else.

A few years later. My dad needed a phone. So I went ahead and got him one. Now he was a good account holder. I loved that my father always paid on time. If he didn't have all the money, the next time he would pay mines.  Then he started having financial trouble. So he asked me can I let his account go. It was up for renewal so it wasn't a big deal to let it go. I respected the fact that he waited until the contract was about up.

Well now here is the BIG issue I have. A few months ago, I had a friend that was using a pre paid phone. They was wasting so much money every week on phone cards. So me being the NICE person that I am. I agreed to add them to my account. You know they were having health issues and so forth. I felt that putting 40 dollars a week on a phone card when you can just pay 60 a month... I was saving this person close to an 100 dollars a month.  I mean come on that was a good deal.

Six months has pasted now. This person still has yet to give me a freaking dollar for the bill. I was paying 129 dollars a month for both phones. This person also acts as if they can't even call or answer my calls. So the thing I did was suspended the phone. I had to. Now I know until December I still have to pay the bill.  I rather pay the bill and them not able to talk on the phone. Than to let them talk for free...

Every time I ask for money they had some kind of excuse. Granted we live in separate cities. They are not even far apart. I say 20 minutes tops. Even when in their town they can't even make it to pay me. So ya know.. I did what I felt was right. I don't care even if they are freaking mad.. I stood my ground and I am going to continue to do so....

I've learned my lesson.. I will never add someone to my account EVER... I mean it this time...

My Thoughts of Today... Happy Easter and Church Folks

Happy Easter to everyone.. Today is the day we celebrate Jesus resurrection. Also the little kiddies go out in their Easter outfits and find eggs... It is also a day that the church houses are packed out.

I am not so big on the church. I am spiritual and not religious. I have said that so many times, people just don't understand. I believe and I worship Christ.  I love Jesus. It is just hard right now finding a church that can really deliver me the word.

This morning my Mother was fussing at me because I wasn't going to Church. I told her I would be just like most of the hypocrites that will be there today.  When I used to be in the church, I always wondered why so many people where there on Easter Sunday. As I got older I think I have it figured out.  It is because it is an Holy day and also people want to show off their new fits..

I am thankful for the grace of of Jesus. It is because of him, I live. Believe me I have lived with demons all my life. I don't have no one to thank but him for keeping me out of the storm. My body is my church. I pray that one day I will be able to find a church that I can call my own. I do want to be a frequent member of his house.

The things that made me stray a little from attending the church was the people. My family's church the people are not what they appear to be. I mean I have seen some do all kind of things. Then on Sunday you would think they had a twin. They are the total opposite.  Once I went to a church and the woman pastor literally called me out. It was because I had on makeup. I thought that was something that was so uncalled for. I see people that speak to me at church. Then when out on the street, can't even say one word. I am like how Christian of you to do such a thing.

I am not saying that the Church folks are keeping me from attending. It just that I am searching for a loving and deeper congregation. I want a deeper connection with the Lord. I want someone to move me and make every Church experience to be meaningful and a lesson learned.

I don't want to play with the Lord. I know he forgives and he died for our sins. I just don't think that sinning all week long and going to Church on Sunday being holy than thou is the right road. I sometimes wonder how a person can live with themselves by doing that. 

I wish each and every one of you all again Happy Easter...

Having Fun sometimes comes with a cost....

I went out last night with my sister and her friends. I invite my cousin/BFF to come along also.  The night started off great. I really enjoyed my night. Although not being out in a long time. I really showed myself up...

I can tell I am getting older now. I can no longer hang out get drunk and not have anything to eat. At my sister's cousin house, I had Rum and Coke. Heck before I even left the house I was drinking Gin and Juice.  So by that time I was starting to feel pretty good.

We get to the club and that is when it all started. Drinks, Drinks, and Mo Drinks.. LOL..  I went in there with 80 dollars and I came out with 20... I said I brought that many...  I like the club because drinks are cheaper...  I just have to say no more will I do that many mixing..  I had Tequila Shots, the Lemon Drops, and some drinks called Silk Panties...

I am  also glad that I went. I had another one of my Revelations...  I used to like someone. It was cool for a minute or two.. Then I asked them a question once and they turned me down. Well now they are back on the Mah Train... I am no longer feeling them. I am more interested in their friend.. I know dirty right... So I am kinda thinking of the friend now...

I lost train of thought.. I ended up getting sick on the bar... It just kept coming out.. LOL Today I been sick on the stomach still, tired, and with a slight headache. So yea.. You can have a good time.. It just sometimes you have to pay for in later....