I wish I had something good to say...

I have lost my feel for blogging... I don't think many even read these things anymore... Facebook and Twitter is the blame for that, I think..

I wish that it was something good I could write you all about.. I am still in my feels.. I still feel alone and that no one is here for me. I try to remain positive but when I keep feeling like the road blocks are more constant I just keep losing hope. I cry daily and today I been crying all day long... I even had to walk away from Facebook because I see others living their lives and I am here not knowing where my next meal is going to come from.. It just makes me even more depressed...

Everyone keeps saying you gonna be Blessed one day.. Well I am already blessed but I need HELP..

Every road I go down it is a disappointment.. 

I know that it is hard being a caregiver for an elderly person, most of it is because this Government that we have refuse to help them. I went all avenues I knew of to try and get help for mom.. All have been denied.. Now, we would be able to get back on our feet if I go back to work..  Going back to work is impossible because the money I get would have to go to someone to sit with my mother. She has to have 24/7 care and all the programs I knew to get all gave a deny stamp... 

What I don't understand is Dementia not qualify as a disability? My mom has that, kidney disease, Seizures... She can not cook, comprehend, and take a bath without help.. 

I am just really trying to understand all this.. It is very hard.. 

I keep praying for a break.. Maybe this is God's way in keeping me humble....

One day I will have some good news.. I hope anyway.. 

When Depression seems like it is kicking your butt....

The other day while on Facebook.. I was looking through some of my older post.. I started to think of the person I used to be... (I hate looking back).. I don't know why that started a train of emotions for me.

I used to go out and enjoy life. I used to be the bell of the ball, The life of the party... When I went out I made it a mission to enjoy it to the fullest.. (In some cases I did make bad choices as well)... Anyhoo my 20's was DA Bomb and my early 30's was as well.

I also reflect on how everyone was always around me. I was still a loner too... I was suffering with my mental disease.. I covered it up big time. I didn't want people to think sorry for me.. I always wanted people to think I had my shyt together.. Little did I know this crap will back fired on your arse once you get older. See all these years of saying I am ok.. I got myself in order.. I don't need anyone.. I am doing just fine... When you go telling people I am NOT ok.. People look at me like I am crazy.. What? "Tracy you're strong, you don't need no one"..

Once that is said to me.. I shut folks out.. I know there are others out there in the same boat or worse... I just feel like some just don't understand.. Granted I know how to push through it.. I have done it for years.. Then the longing for love and understanding doesn't make it any better..
Beside a FEW folks in my circle of friends, and I mean few.. I still keep in contact with.. Keeps in contact with me at least once or twice a month.. About 2 to 3 family members do as well..

This depression keeps me non motivate, misery, and drained.. If you never been through it (everyone have bad days,, Yet when it's days, months, years) you don't know this feeling..

Watching my mom go through all these changes MAN, it makes it worse... Then trying to maintain this household, watch over her, and keep myself up.. I feel like I am at my wit's end.. I keep my faith in God that his will is going to see us through all this..

Me not knowing happiness and what it is that would make me happy is a downer but I am not going to let this defeat me.. I feel that one day something will come through...

I blame no one but myself...

I guess this is going to be one of those depression blogs.. I felt the need to write it all out.. I've been holding it so much it for years and years.. It is the time to release it again.. When I think I am getting better, I fall right back into the trap again.. What is WRONG with me? I am starting to feel I do need to seek professional help. I don't believe in hurting anyone or myself... I just hate this rut...

After MC, I said I wouldn't give my heart again..  I haven't either... So I do feel like I am missing out on something. 

Over the last few months, I have been seeing someone.. I was seeing him to see if I am totally over MC.. I think I am over him physically... Some part mentally... All the years of not trusting and emotional strain.. I haven't forgotten. 

So here is where it all falls apart.. Me being the emotional attached person that I am.. I can't see myself being in a relationship... I have tried being patient and optimistic about it all..  I see myself going down the same path again.. You would think after almost of 3 years of being single and not really dating.. I should be able to move on and move past it all.. 

I am starting to see the change in him.. I am starting to see sneaky ways.. I also see that I will be more into it than he would be. So I am letting it go.. Just this morning I almost flipped and lost it.. I was getting a feeling that something was not going right inside his home. He wasn't answering my text.. I even heard a noise that I believe I shouldn't have heard.. I really didn't want to become the crazy and deranged woman.. So I had to come back home and calm down.. I had to come home and wooosah!!

This is it.. My heart is to damaged.. I can't love.. No matter how much I try... It is OVER!! 

Taking the time out for ME...

The last few weekends. I've been going out. I've been hanging with friends. I know in my current situation it is something that is good for me.  I am getting tired of laying my burdens on other folks. I am not in a happy state right now. So why spoil my friends fun. I don't like when people rain on my parade. So I don't want to be the one that does it to them.

I took yesterday off from work. I will not be back at work until Monday. So I am taking  this time to be by myself.   I don't know what state of mine I will be in once I come out this shell. I just know I need this time. I need to free up space in my mind. I have so much running through it right now.

I am also at the point to where.. I got to stop putting people before myself. It is my many issue right now. I am so tired of not being able to deal with my own problems because of everyone else.  All I want to say now is God, cover me.... Today he called to see how I was doing. Then when I refuse to talk to him. It seemed like he was trying to turn the blame on me.  I am like... Why would I talk to someone who is the reason of my depression?

It's weird that people don't truly understand one another. It is easy for some and hard for others. No one person is alike. Ok, you can get over love. You can move to the next one with no problem. Well for me.. It is not all that easy. Especially when your world revolved around them. So hey, give me time to get through it. I have to just work through my problems alone.

So this weekend, I am going to compile a list of what that can make me happy. I also going to make a list of what I will not tolerant next.