I can't believe...

 It has been this long since I last posted here. Nothing really has changed but my mentality.. I truly believe that I've gotten wiser and more stabled in my thought. 

I'm not forcing anything. I am going with the flow of life. Mom is still doing the same. I really glad i put my life on hold to take care of her. Its been so worth it..

Da Rona is still wrecking habit.. My best friends have lost one of their parents due to it. It is sad to witness their heartbreak. This virus needs to be done away with. I just hope that those that insists on not trying to follow the rules will one day wake up. 

Me and Kong is still dealing. dealing is all.. At this point my focus has really been of my self care and my mom. Plus he is sometimes moody.. He understands why things are the way they are, just he wishes I could do more with him. I guess he will stick around, heck he has been here now for almost 5 years...  So only time will tell and if he is strong to surive.

How have you all been? Do any one still read blogs? I think back when I would promote this blog and now it is what it is.. So much to do not enough time to do it in. 

I got here today just because I decided to log on to my laptop (I need a new one by the way)...

Enjoy your Sunday and be safe everyone...

Looking at my Blessings with the side eye on my life in general..

I am thankful for everything. I am one of the most humblest people in the world. I have always known how to survive and make the best of everything. I have learned over my years on this earth that most of the time there are things you really don't need and a want is just a want. You can go without it and you can find ways to something equivalent to what you want.
So I am blessed. I am also blessed to still have my mother here. Although daily her health and mind is not the mother I once knew.. It breaks my heart but I know this comes with age. As I said before, been down this road before with my grandmother Bernice.

I almost peed in my pants this morning when I called my doctor office and was said that I have a zero balance. I just knew they wasn't going to see me any longer because I can't afford insurance anymore and I was making monthly payments until the move... I stopped paying around August because of finances.. I was ready to start back paying them and when they said that I was like Look at God.. Won't he do it.. (insert praise)

(side-eyeing Life)

This past year I have felt so lonely. I have felt that no one really cares about me or what I am going through. I know over the years I have pushed people away but that were some I wasn't really close to.. Since I have moved into this new home and been going through the motions with mom and my health.. It's like no one calls, no one writes, and no one stops by... I don't even get inboxes on Facebook asking how am I doing.. It is the little things that would perk me up.

It amazes me when you are always there for others when you just need a conversation no one has time to just be there for you.. People do have their own lives and I know some don't know what to expect from me time after time.. My emotions and my moods be all over the place.. I just want a good gut busting laugh.. Something that lets me know life still exist..

When Depression seems like it is kicking your butt....

The other day while on Facebook.. I was looking through some of my older post.. I started to think of the person I used to be... (I hate looking back).. I don't know why that started a train of emotions for me.

I used to go out and enjoy life. I used to be the bell of the ball, The life of the party... When I went out I made it a mission to enjoy it to the fullest.. (In some cases I did make bad choices as well)... Anyhoo my 20's was DA Bomb and my early 30's was as well.

I also reflect on how everyone was always around me. I was still a loner too... I was suffering with my mental disease.. I covered it up big time. I didn't want people to think sorry for me.. I always wanted people to think I had my shyt together.. Little did I know this crap will back fired on your arse once you get older. See all these years of saying I am ok.. I got myself in order.. I don't need anyone.. I am doing just fine... When you go telling people I am NOT ok.. People look at me like I am crazy.. What? "Tracy you're strong, you don't need no one"..

Once that is said to me.. I shut folks out.. I know there are others out there in the same boat or worse... I just feel like some just don't understand.. Granted I know how to push through it.. I have done it for years.. Then the longing for love and understanding doesn't make it any better..
Beside a FEW folks in my circle of friends, and I mean few.. I still keep in contact with.. Keeps in contact with me at least once or twice a month.. About 2 to 3 family members do as well..

This depression keeps me non motivate, misery, and drained.. If you never been through it (everyone have bad days,, Yet when it's days, months, years) you don't know this feeling..

Watching my mom go through all these changes MAN, it makes it worse... Then trying to maintain this household, watch over her, and keep myself up.. I feel like I am at my wit's end.. I keep my faith in God that his will is going to see us through all this..

Me not knowing happiness and what it is that would make me happy is a downer but I am not going to let this defeat me.. I feel that one day something will come through...

I need some serious motivation...

I must admit that I have wasted a lot of my years... I wasted doing absolutely NOTHING.. What I mean by nothing, is something worth my wild.. I been working so hard the last 6 years... I really don't have nothing to show for it but, maybe my credit score.. lol
I wasted on men... I wasted it because of fear.. I wasted it because I no longer have motivation...
I believe a lot of it has been the stress I've been under.. I believe a lot of it where I am not getting much time alone.. I am always doing something for someone.. I am always paying bills, to where I don't have money to save up.
I really want to do something for me.. God willing, I want to save up enough to take a trip (alone)... I am still in the process of looking for another job, so that is motivation ( a little lol)....My dreams of my own business is still my main focus and I haven't given up.. It just seems that folks don't wanna pay for catering...  In this area anyway... Man, if I had the money to play the lottery and win... Then that's all the motivation I need..
The seasons are changing now too, I want to get back out.. I want to take walks, eat right, and get back on my healthy kick.. I think that would help my motivation.. I will have the energy..
I was talking to my friend guy on Sunday and he was telling me, I am no longer the Tracy he once knew. He said I was so much of a social, outgoing, fun person.. Now, he says I am complacent, moody, and drabby..  Damn, really? I think it is my age.. Things I used to do I don't do anymore.. It's not that my interest has changed.. My mindset has.. All of the friends I used to hang out with.. Married, Engaged, and kids..  I am the only one in my circle that has yet, to meet a man, worthy..
So yes, I no longer do the things I once did.. I don't think I am drabby (whatever that means).. hehehhee
Being with depression for the last 6 months, people really don't understand what it is to feel this way.. Yea, some say they are down, but a lot of folks don't know.. My diagnoses was my answers I needed.. I didn't understand why I kept feeling the way I did.. It wasn't anything going wrong in my life, I just feel like I had no motivation to even get out of bed sometimes. I didn't want to face people.. I didn't even wanna get up and put on clothes.. (even got to the point,  I didn't want to bathe).. Depression is something I don't wish on anyone. It puts your life at a stand still.
I can't  believe that I have wrote two blogs in two days.. I guess walking away from Facebook, has given me a peace of mind.. Now, hopefully motivation is next.. :)

In my thoughts: When Blogging was the IT thing...

I remember about hmmm, 10 years ago.. Blogging was it.. I had several websites and my own that I would just pick a topic and blog on.. It was the it thing.. You had something that was on your chest, and you blog it.. Now, it seems like just a fad that is passing away..
Yahoo 360, was so fun.. I had all kind of things I would blog about.. I truly hate that they took it away.. Those we the good old days... I used Typepad, I did Greymatter the whole nine.. It was so much fun..
We couldn't wait to see what I friend's post and what not. I met a few good people in my Blogging days.. I think they have been better friends than the ones I just run across on day to day basis.. I swear sometimes I miss this and then sometimes, I don't even feel like typing.. I always got excited when I was requested to do the blog challenges.. If gave me an idea on what to write. Now at times I get to the point to think of what.. I know this is my personal blog and I tend to talk about what goes on in my humdrum life. I know some of you all are like, really.. LOL
I said I was going to try my best this year to do better, I tend to say that every year... So I can only try.. I think the downfall to blogging is Facebook and Twitter.. You really don't have to write paragraphs anymore to express your thoughts and feelings.. You can just sum it up in a few sentences and that will be the end of it..