Oceans, River, Lakes…
How being used has gotten me this far…
All my life I have been a giver.. The only child I was
spoiled rotten and pretty much got everything I needed and I guess
wanted.. I had friends but they were
family so it wasn’t like I was given the opportunity to just have friends
outside of family..
Not until I got to I guess the 3rd grade I ended
up having friends.. I had one particular friend that I used to feel bad for. I
think my mom sorta adopted her.. When my mom buy for me I would either ask her
to buy for my friend or I would give my friend something of mine. This went on until High School. Then after that
we lost touch.. I still consider her as a friend but we rarely talk or see each
other..
During those years I found myself taking always being the go
to girl. If it was with friends or with Boyfriends.. I was the one always
giving.. Just give give give.. It could been money, time, skills, even sex. It
became addictive.. If I wanted their time, I knew what I had to do.. It seems like no one likes to be around me
unless I were doing something for them.. (It might have been the case, but it
sure did seem that way)..
My 1st Boyfriend… He liked me mainly because I
would bring cakes and candy bars to our 4th grade class..
My 2nd Boyfriend… He liked me because He needed
me to pass high school and after I started wanting time with him, he walked
away because he didn’t want to really be in a relationship with me.. He never
finished High School..
My 3rd Boyfriend… Used me for sex.. I wouldn’t
hear from him unless he wanted sex.. Then wouldn’t hear from him again until he
was ready again..
My 4th Boyfriend.. I paid his rent, I took care
of his son, I gave him sex anytime he wanted, I cooked, washed his clothes… I
left him when he started using me as a punching bag…
My 5th Boyfriend… I was just used all the way
around.. Money, Food, my Friends… He ended up sleeping with 3 of my friend
girls I am no longer friends with…
My 6th wasn’t even a Boyfriend yet it seemed like
we were… I did EVERYTHING for this man.. EVERYTHING.. I have yet to hear from
him… SMH!
In all this I didn’t include MC.. I felt like he was my best
boyfriend I ever had.. It was just I could never make him happy because he was looking
for the Perfect Person with a Perfect Past… I know I am not that person.. So as you see why it is so hard for me to
trust ANYONE… As of the last few months… When I was out of work and so forth..
Do you think I had anyone to have my back? NO! I had a few call and ask for
money.. I have a few call and ask could I buy their groceries.. Yea, it’s me
who is ALWAYS there for others.. Now,
going through my health and my moms health (dementia) It has taken all my
energy from me. I have no strength to get out of the bed half of the time. I
know the last few years I haven’t been the best person… I have built up so much
bitterness… All in the process of just trying to be a better me.. It has caused
me to really shy away from folks.. I think I have an addiction to helping other
until I have nothing but the truth that I shouldn’t have.
I’ve crossed Oceans, Rivers, and Lakes for others.. I don’t
even get a puddle… I know I will be Blessed in years to come.. So I am not
worried… I am just letting it be known, there is no more of me to give.. I am
all out of resources, energy, and time..
