I'm tired of being the friend... I am ready to be a wife...

I know that I am not totally over my S.O.S at this present time.  It is going to be a healing process I must go through to get over it.. I can say, I'm doing fairly well with it.. I took my grieving time to clear my head. I am welcoming the change.. 

This time around though.. I am ready to be a wife. I don't like dating.. I don't like going through the constant changes it put one through.. I never been the type to date several people. I date one, then I end up in a relationship with that person. If I fall in love I hurt.. If I don't see myself falling in love with them. I move on to the next one..

Now I am getting older. I am also in the fear of growing up being my mother.. She never married.. She never experienced the whole wedding. I know for me.. It is something I want to do. I want to spend the rest of my life with just one person. Someone that loves me unconditionally..  So I am working on me. I am getting myself self in order to find my Mr or Mrs Right. I am no longer going to waste my life on someone who isn't going to give me that walk down the isle. 

When I meet people, they always say... You are such a good person.. May we be friends.. I tell you this.. I know that is in my character. I treat everyone with such kindness. Even people I don't know.. I try to be compassionate and so friendly.  I don't know if this is what keeps my potential mates away or what. I used to sit back and watch other people relationships.. I see how some women dogged the man out or vice verse.. Then I am like how those two people get married. As for one I don't know what it takes to be wifey material. I do know an ex in my past once told me.. You are a wifey material, and I am not ready for that.. What did that mean?

My past relationships has taught me that some people can't handle what I can offer.. I am very creative.. I am very loving.. I am very caring.. I am also a great cook.  Growing up, I heard stories that is the making of a good wife. So growing up.. I learned all the things.. I taught myself how to cook. I learned how to clean house. I learned how to manage money.. Heck I even learned how to sew, and decorate. In my relationships, I have even learned how to comprise.. In which in a lot of cases it is what MARRIAGE is all about. 

I know they say that you have to wait on God to bring the right person that is right for you. I understand the whole 9 of that. So maybe I have been carrying myself wrong. I am not to sure as to what and how to.. I have been thinking as to how and why I am not married yet. It could be in the choices I have made in life. I could be the type of people I gave my heart to.

I have always been afraid to tell a person what I wanted up front. I always thought it was the man that suppose to ask you in marriage. I want to know how do you go and say... I am looking for marriage and if you aren't ready then we can't be together.. How do you do that? Especially if you are having such a great time with that person.You are enjoying the company with that person.. I am so in disarray... I don't know how to set myself up for this.

Most of the time when I meet people. I just go with the moment.  When things don't quite work out. I become their friend. Either that or we end up as friends from the jump. Well I am tired of being a friend. I am tired of always being the HOMEGIRL.. I am ready to say I am a Mrs.. I don't want to grow old and be a Miss.. Like I said. I want to grow old with someone.. I want to wake up every morning and feel the love in the household. I want to say this is my better half.

So as I am working toward my goal.. I am getting my life in order.. I have to show the next potential mate what I have to offer.. Be able to show what I can bring to the table.. I will leave my past where it sits. I am going to be a great wife one day. I was made for it. I was molded to be one. I am getting a little old not to want anything else, but to share my life with an AWESOME person that we can complete each other..

I don't mind having friends.. Don't get me wrong... I am just ready for a new chapter in life.. I want to experience the walking down the isle and sharing my life with Some One Special....

Am I cursed...?

I know this is strange even for me to write two entries in one night.. I was moved.. I mean seriously moved by the movie.. I finally got to see "For Colored Girls".. I know I read the book back when I was in High School. I wasn't all into books then. So I might have skimmed through the book, just to make sure I got it back to the Library.. Yet after watching the movie and it was so good.. I am going to actually BUY this book. I need to read it.

I swear in almost everyone of those Character's I saw me... I saw a little bit of myself.  The pain, the sadness, and even just my plain existence in this world.. What we as women have to endure. It doesn't make sense sometimes...

My curse is being a BLACK WOMAN in a world that we can never be too sure what to make of.. We are taught to be strong.. We are taught to stand by our own men, no matter what shyt he puts us through.. I think we are the ones who seek love more than any other human in this world. We had to become our own heros because some of the men lost their way.. We are ridiculed, shunned, abuse, yet we keep on keeping on.. I love that about us.. We show no signs of weakness until we are totally broken..  When we don't know our own self worth.. We become what statics says a angry, bitter, used up, ugly woman..  It hurt me just tonight, when I got home and was googling a picture for this post.. I was looking up Black Woman's Pain.. It was not so pleasant photos.. It was porn.. Why do most people look to us as sex objects, and not just a WOMAN.. A Queen is a woman that is treated with the up most respect and love.. What is really happening..?

We grow up thinking that we are sugar and spice and everything nice. At an early age we are to believe that one day our Prince Charming is going to come and sweep us off our feet. We are taught as women we are to get married and have babies..

One once said to me, you are not a woman. No man wants a woman who can not bare a child. You are cursed and you will never be a woman. So if I am not a woman, what am I?  I have been with child as of 3 times..  The 1st time I was a scared girl. I was still in school and I was afraid. I didn't want my life to be what I saw others to be..  In just a few weeks, I lost the baby. The baby I never known.. Then again I was with child. I knew I was pregnant, but when I found out the baby's father just went to jail. I was scared, I was constantly upset.. So one night in the cold ice storm (yea we had it bad one year) I left the house to go see an old friend. One thing let to another and I lost yet another baby in the front seat of the car. Then the last and final time right before the several doctors told me I could never care a child full term.. I lost another baby due to abuse.. It was physical, verbal, and mental abuse. The type that I had to go through, I don't wish on NO ONE. So I am childless. So am I a woman?

As a woman I have dealt with many types of men. I been with the nice, good, ugly, and the bad..  I just never thought that I would be here to this day lonely, sometimes unhappy, and with so much pinned up anger. I always told myself that I would never be a bitter woman. I always try to see the good in everyone. It even includes men.

At a early age I felt something kinda funny when it came to men. I rarely was around any, unless it was my cousins. My first heart break came from my best friend's brother. He did things to me I didn't understand. Some how that changed my world completely. I sought out love from men. Well back then it was boys but I know you all got the picture. I was in relationships after relationships. Even being in relationship with one and doing another one on the side. I was WILD and you would think how did  I pull this off.  I tell ya.. I was raised by my mother and my grandmother. My grandmother was old and my mother was the partying type.  I got away with a lot. I was sneaky.. I felt that even they didn't care. If your child is 16 and is staying out all night and calls home to say she isn't coming home.  When you got home, you would at least think to Fuss or be put on punishment.. Well not at my house.. I got fussed at but it was mostly, you are putting yourself out there to be a SLUT...

I was loving the touch of the man.. I felt that I was somebody because my milkshake brought all the boys to my yard.. Then I met him.. The wild and crazy man. The other man that again changed my way of thinking. I sorta felt I was finally in love. Well I was young, dumb, and so full of cum.. I did things that was way out of my character with him. To this day, well lets just say.. It is still being talked about.. I let this man influence me. At the time I didn't care.. I LOVED it.. I loved the way I was so needed.. I loved the way I had them call my name.. I am so glad I am passed that...

Then hooking up with the drug dealers, egotistic bastards, and right out playas..  I been used, abused, torn, and tortured... I allowed these men to come into my life and curse me.. I became NEEDY as some folks might say.. I needed a man....  I felt like a nobody with out one.. After all the mess I went through.. I started being a nurturer.. I made sure any man I was with had everything and anything he wanted.. I became looking for love in all the wrong places. See although I went through shyt.. I was still the bright smile to everyone.. No one knew my pain inside.. See growing up when you were always called ugly. Also called you greasy monkey because your mother wanted to put a curl in your head cause she just didn't have time everyday to do your hair.. I wanted for everyone to LOVE me.  So I became everything to everybody..

It is sad because in some ways I am still that. I carry my baggage. I never left it.. I feel that is what makes me.. See all the bad I went through has made me Stronger.. It has put me in the place I feel that I need to be... Do I still feel cursed.. Yes... Because of the baggage I will never fully be the person I once wanted to be. All the things I allowed people to do to me. Is what cause me not to fulfill my density..  As I said, when we are kids we are taught to have a family, the prince charming.. That storybook ending will never be mine.. That little girl fantasy died when I was 12...

So am I woman?  Yes.. I am a woman that has lived a life of ups, downs, and turn around's.. My life is a story.. It is made up of many chapters.. Some were good... Some I don't remember.. Of course some was bad.. I know that nothing will hinder me from being happy.. It is a portion of what I am made of. I have learned to live life.. I have learned that what glitters is not gold.. I am me.. I have been scorned.. I have been abused.. Like Whoopi said in Color purple.. "I'm Here"...

It is no more people stealing my joy away..

Self-Worth... something that I had to learn...

My sister has a few of her friends post our opinions about certain topics like a group blog. It is over there on facebook.  It had be thinking and I asked her not to use my name because MANY people on her page might not know.  I did feel the need to post what I wrote over here on my blogger page.

You might say why in the world would you post this to the public anyway. You told your sister not to post your name. Then you come across and post it to the world over here.. Well my real name will not and has not been in the mix to much over here..LOL

Here is what I wrote. I started thinking back on how I had to learn my worth... It was a long process, I am getting there. I also have my days.. I'm taking it one day at a time...


Discovering your Self-Worth...

I am just now learning this. I don't believe I got the memo back when I was growing up. I grew up fast and learned a lot on my own. I had one of those parents that really didn't talk much about certain things.  All I know I wanted to be loved and wanted by someone.  I had parents that loved me don't get that twisted. I just needed something else. I was the only child and I felt lonely.

 

I wanted to fit in the crowd. I wanted everyone to like me. So believe me I did things that no one on earth would know just by looking at me. I felt if I did those things then I would get all the love I wanted in the world.  Boy was I wrong. I started hearing things about myself from other people. So all the while I am thinking it was an all about me world. Those words hurt. So I started thinking that was who I was.  I started being the person everyone thought I was. I felt that was the only way I would get attention.

 

I tell you those things to this day still haunts me. So I shut my self out from the world so to speak. I barely talk to people. I was once a chipper person with a golden attitude. Now it has became a fear of all people.  You know it was bad when a person would say my name. Then everybody had to put their 2 cents in...  It came to where my world was crumbling down, when someone I loved heard those things. It didn't tear the relationship down. It didn't help it either. It became a rocky one after that.

 

So I began to think I wasn't worth anything. I felt I could never be happy because of what my name stood for. People who I thought cared for me and loved me changed everything. I felt like a worthless piece of crap for a long time. I ended up giving up hope. It even got to a point where I wondered why was I put on this earth. I still have yet to find my purpose in life.

 

It was just last year when I finally learned my self worth. It took 15 years to regain the respect for myself. I had to hit rock bottom. I had to loose a lot of friends to get to this point. I had to put my past behind me and continue to live in this world. I had to start putting my Big Girl Draws on and face it. I am not what others think of me. I am who I am because I love me. I never knew how much loving yourself would give you a bigger vaildation. I no longer need anyone or anything to let me know my self worth. I wake up every morning and look at a priceless gem in the mirrior.  I came a long way baby.. I love myself, a love my family, and I don't need no one else to make me feel other wise.