I embrace it all..

Going through much of what I am dealt with.. I think my BIGGEST problem is trying to understand the WHY... I don't know if I am equipped for this. Years on Years of disappointments really draining my soul. I always have said if people really KNEW me. People would really understand why I feel the way I do. 

Just this week I had  2 people to tell me I am a negative person. I always think the worst in things. I don't see myself as a negative person because I always try to see the good side of things. It are those I trust and there are those I don't. Nothing really good has ever happened to me. Then the things that I thought was great, in the longer run it turned out to be not so great. You know after all the abuse mentally and physically that I have endured just takes me to a place of empty space. 

I am truly scared to get close to people . Then I keep running to the people that have hurt me because I am so uncomfortable to be around strangers. I don't like living in misery, I just don't want to put faith in people for them to show me that they are all in the same. It was one point I was in my HAPPY place and then It disappeared. WTF?

I truly do need to get lost in something. Something to take my time away from my thoughts. My mind is the very thing that is slowly killing me. Just the other day I was taking a walk and as I felt the air, listened to the birds, all I could do was cry. I mean cried so hard until I had to stop where I was and just look all kind of crazy. Cars passing me looking at me like I lost my dog or something. It was so bad when I got home I went to sleep and slept for about 3 hours before I got up to go to work.

I am on Vacation this week and I think there will be a lot more thoughts to come my way.. I just hope that they will soon become HAPPY thoughts.. Enjoy your weekend if I don't hear from you then..

A weekend to myself..

Yea one of those weekends I could have been out doing something.. Yet I opt out.. This weekend has been full of medication and too much time to think.. I hate thinking.. It really causes so much grief.. 

The one thing I really did do was write and clean.. I should have called my Diva and went and spent the weekend with her.. Maybe I wouldn't had this time to deal with all these thoughts running through my head, because I would have been drunk.. LOL

I don't know why I constantly get in my feelings.. I guess because I normally hold them in for so long.. I said that I can no longer hold things in. So I have took a lot of it into writing.. I keep allowing people to used me up. Not in that sense but as far as my emotions go. Then I withdraw for awhile. I come back out then I withdraw again.. Then you wonder why I am a mental case.

I have a new celebrate crush.. I realize this after I started pinning her pictures.. Lupita Nyong'o.. she is so BEAUTIFUL!! I also congratulate her on all her success.. She is the new IT girl.. 
I am now here doing what I do best.. In the Kitchen.. LOL

Randoms for 2/17/2014

Over the last few week even more so over the last few days.. I have been thinking about trying about relationships and how sometimes you miss having one.. As you all know, I had a wonderful Valentine's and even the two days after.. It was nice and I was glad to have that time with her. It seemed like things were coming together. As this week comes, I am not sure how it is gonna go.. I am going to be optimistic though. 

This right here is gonna be one of my TMI moments. I made a vow last Valentine's you know in 2013 that I wasn't going to have sex anymore. I had said the next person I have sex with will be the person I marry.. It has been a bumpy ride.. I just knew that this was a decision I had to make. I stop falling for temptation. This was also the way to help me continue to work on a Better Me without the distractions. Anyhoo... I had a ritual in which I think most females have.. The I am not going to shave my legs until I know I am about to have sex.. Well, I had to break down and shave.. I felt like an ape.. I am a very hygienic person so I was like this might cause some issues if I don't.. I had to stop because I was getting tired (yes I had that much hair lol).. So I am going to do part two today and finish it up. It was a MESS! Ok I have gave y'all the run down.. #icantbelieveijusttoldyou

I think I just got off subject too.. Well I am getting ready to weight my options and re-evaluate what type of person I want in my life. I am not living for the moment anymore.  I am going to live for the future.. The first step I got to do is get back on track mentally and physically.. I took a break because my job was starting to stress me out... It is about to get even more stressed soon. I just know my Vacation starts March 1st and Ise be ready.. LOL

A day Late but Yea...Valentine's!!

Y'all know that Valentine's is not one of my fondest Holiday's.. I guess you say, Do you like any Holiday's.? 

I do but this year was a little better for me.. It was that I wasn't really expecting much and my heart is tired. This past week I have worked so hard just because the snow storm.. I work at a supermarket and we don't close... 

My Valentine got me a pair of Nike Shox's, A Big ole Bear, some Bath & Body Works, Twix, Linder's Chocolate,A Carton of Smokes, and treated me to dinner.  I thought that was a sweet jester.. I got her a speaker for her Ipod, card, Balloon, a mixed cd, and a Big Ole Bar of Chocolate. It was nice.. It turned out to be a decent night... Until I got pissed.. Y'all know my mood change with the quickness.. LOL I didn't act out this time though. I was really sucking in back it.. It took everything in me, but I did.. (I was so proud of myself)

Then once getting home and settling in to watch a few movies, (in which I fell asleep).. Then a big rumble and the house was shaking.. We had an earthquake. Yes something South Carolina rarely get.. It would have been nice if that earth shaking was actually me having sex.. (i am in a drought.. lol) 

I hope that you all had a wonderful Valentines Day... Remember Love one another Everyday!!!!!!

When will this really stop? How can we prevent it? How can we save our youth?

I know half of my reading feel some type a way about this. I watch the news all the time. It sickens me that half of the news cast is about some Black Teen did something or a Black Teen has been killed. Today on the news was a 19 year old teen was murder (shot in the head and was left on a gravel road) was found Saturday. He graduated last year and was about to become a father.. Hearing his mother cries made me cry.. Now most of the time, when I see stuff like this, I ball out too.. Everyone interviewed was saying how much of a good person and sweet kid he was. How he never did anything wrong and was always polite. WHY? What is it with Today's youth? Now I know a few people will argue about the music. Yet, in my time, We had NWA and countless of others and it wasn't as bad as it is now. 

So over the past week was murder a double homicide in a few counties away which they believe was drug related.. Now that too is such a sad thing.. Do people just don't value a life anymore? I have so many questions to this situation.. Is there anything or does anyone care? We got to solve this problem. It has gotten to the point where I never really want to go any where.. Heck I don't even like where my house is located sometimes. I have a crazy neighbor who gets drunk and he sometimes will shoot his gun.. For what reason I don't know but I do get frustrated. You never know the day where someone will flip on you for no apparent reason. 

Some might say that it is poverty... 

I agree to a point with this. People watch to much television.. They see all this glamorous life spending money left and right. Then a child whose mother and father make less than 20 thousand a year, thinks they need that stuff.. I tell you although my childhood wasn't bad, it were things that I wanted and felt I needed.. I did learn that I didn't need everything I wanted. I also believe that so many Parents want to be their kids FRIEND and not the parent. I really think the parents need to put a STRONG hold on their kids.. I think that is what the real problem. There are parents out here enabling their kids from becoming great.

People see violence and drugs in our communities and some turn the blind eye. I really wish their were more programs set up to help these kids. This madness really needs to STOP and STOP now before this becomes the end of our children being the future.. Dead, in Jail, School Drop Outs isn't going to lead us in the direction to our youth.. I want to see Law Makers really put the effort in Education, Mentors, and getting parents in a position that will improve our children lives..