Going through much of what I am dealt with.. I think my BIGGEST problem is trying to understand the WHY... I don't know if I am equipped for this. Years on Years of disappointments really draining my soul. I always have said if people really KNEW me. People would really understand why I feel the way I do.
Just this week I had 2 people to tell me I am a negative person. I always think the worst in things. I don't see myself as a negative person because I always try to see the good side of things. It are those I trust and there are those I don't. Nothing really good has ever happened to me. Then the things that I thought was great, in the longer run it turned out to be not so great. You know after all the abuse mentally and physically that I have endured just takes me to a place of empty space.
I truly do need to get lost in something. Something to take my time away from my thoughts. My mind is the very thing that is slowly killing me. Just the other day I was taking a walk and as I felt the air, listened to the birds, all I could do was cry. I mean cried so hard until I had to stop where I was and just look all kind of crazy. Cars passing me looking at me like I lost my dog or something. It was so bad when I got home I went to sleep and slept for about 3 hours before I got up to go to work.
I am on Vacation this week and I think there will be a lot more thoughts to come my way.. I just hope that they will soon become HAPPY thoughts.. Enjoy your weekend if I don't hear from you then..
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