Be Careful of who you tell your problems to... #FamilyRunMouthatrateofSpeedingLight

I tell you... I feel that I can't do anything without someone always got something to say.. If not who they are going back to say it too..

A few months ago I stopped talking to my father. Mainly because he was being an ass.. He really has never done much for me and I was ok with that. My sister and brother has had more of a relationship with him than I ever had.  I am ok with that too.. You all know my mother is my beating heart.

With things being so tight and not able to have extra funds I had to let some of my bills go.. I am behind but I don't care because my mother is important to me. I don't have much of a life that I didn't have much of to begin with. Anyhoo... The light bill has been TOO DAMN HIGH the last couple of months.. So I went without my cell phone and I didn't get my medication..

Well my auntie knows about what is going on and she told my dad.. UGH!  I am totally in a head space to where I still am mad at him. He never called to see if I was ok from my last doctors appointment. That was back in June after he showed his arse on me. Plus I never wanted to say anything I would regret so I walked away from him and didn't say anything else. He calls told getting on my case about my medicine. I was being petty... I asked him why was it any of his concern and why is he questioning me. He has offered to pay for it and I am like I don't want anything from you. I truly don't.. He hurt my feelings very badly and I just don't know if I can deal with him.

My auntie is bad about telling stuff. I love her dearly and I know she might told him to make him pay for it. My aunts have a way of making my dad feel bad. (what I love most about them)... He listens to them and if he upsets me they show their arses on him.
As a child they did more for me than my dad ever did.. I was always with them...

At 40 I never thought I would still have to depend on my parents.. NEVER! However me being my mother caregiver, I wouldn't change nothing.. As I say, she is my heart beat. Hopefully by next month I will be back on track.. Especially with the power bill going down.. I know it is because of it being so hot...

I am Stamping it with a F it!!!

I am on vacation and I am trying to enjoy this time alone.. The time of not having to deal with people and the time just to relax and get my peace of mind..  I am on my second day and everything was going pretty good.. I was just chilling and sleeping.. I really need this rest cause of all of my other emotions that are taking over me...
I am short tempered and I do get pissed really quickly.. I don't know why I just do.. So let me tell you how I went from happy to cut throat pissed in 1.2 seconds... I was trying to have a good day and someone from my past that disappeared for no reason and without a trace.. So a year ago I became his friend via FB.. I put the past behind and kept it moving.. I let everything go..
Just say.. I see and know why me and him didn't get along.. You can't get a freaking word in and he thinks he knows EVERY FUCKIN THING............. Psst next-------------------->

I am not really happy with a situation right now. I am really upset with her right now.. The choices people make are unclear to me. You can see the person aint shyt and then they still have more children with the mf.. I know it isn't my problem. They make it my problem though.. I am always the chicka people come to so they can lay their problems on me.. Why do people do that? I just don't freaking get it.. I know everyone is different and they can handle things a certain way.. I just wish more people you their F'in BRAIN....... Is that too much to ask for.. Geezzz!

Life.. Trying to live it the best way I know how...

I guess this is my week that I am venting and letting some things off my chest..  I am having so much time to think. I am not really happy about it. It is nothing I can really do..  It is that time of year where my Job does the hour cuts. So not being able to work much.. Not being able to go anywhere because the lack of money. It is becoming all too much for this sister.

I haven't talked much on this because it is something I alone have to deal with. I am not in the best of health either. Last month I was in and out of the doctor and I thought it was a waste of money. I am still suffering from it. The medication I am taking isn't working all that well. It is totally making me sicker I believe..  

I am just keeping my prayer line open.. I'm hoping  well I know I will make it out of this.. 

Then it comes to how to handle all the things that is going on.. They say God will not put anything on you that you can not bare.. Well I have been baring a lot.. On top of all my issues, it is people that lay on their issues on me. I try to always help others.. It has become a burden.. I am so far behind on myself that I kept putting people before me.. Now that I am this gone.. I can't even call those who got me in this. 

I try not to be bitter about things.. I am always hopeful and grateful to be at least still living..  Life is just so hard right now. The one thing I still have is my happiness.. It might not seem that way,I am but truly I can't ask for a better family.. It are those who are out here that can't even say that..

I am back at it with my writing.. It is a good release.. It is keeping me sane..

I love you all bunches...

Neighborhood starting to fall apart...

I been here almost my whole life. Except the couple of times I moved. My neighborhood was not the best of neighborhoods. It was all family though. It was mostly older people. It was quiet not much of traffic and what not.

Well now they are letting whom ever live here. I am about tired of it. There are kids that live on this street. Not teenagers, but little children. If it isn't the Mexican across the street with his loud music and his beer drinking.  It is I wanna be a thug next door neighbor shooting his gun and his friends parking in front of my house.

People just don't have respect anymore. They just don't give a f about the people around them.

This is not the 1st time that my neighbor has done this. Every time he does it the police is called but by the time they get here he is gone. The landlord, I don't  know what to say about him. I am just tired of waking up in the middle of the night listening to all this.

I think he does it to be funny. I don't know what was going on, because I was asleep. I just heard the shots and fell to the floor. I hate not feeling safe in my own house. Bullets does not have a name. What is wrong with these people, I would never understand. I said tonight it better not happen. I have to be at work at 6am and I sho don't want to be awaken.

I have even told him to tell his friends stop parking in front of my house. I don't want people to think that all this commotion is happening at my house.  This world has fell off the deep end. My once quiet neighborhood is falling apart. I am not going to let it happen...

When we got rid of the crack heads across the street. We now have gun toting wanna be thugs...

I'm going through some changes...

I was sitting here listening to Ledsi..  Her song song "Goin' through some changes". It could have not came on at a better time. I still going through my issues.  Yesterday was one hell of a day for me. I was so out of my (NEW) character. I promised myself that I wouldn't let things bother me anymore. I suppose to get over it.  I thought that I would be able to handle it.. Lord was I wrong. 

My high spirit went to the ground. I found out that MC is now in a relationship with someone. It is a person I've questioned him about awhile back. So I went to see when all of this could have taken placed.. I went to the BP page, his FB page... I don't believe she is on his Myspace page.. Yea I was stalkerish... I found some things that I didn't want to see.. This OLDER woman even calls him MC like I do.. How dare he let her do that?  She even has a son that is so close to MC's age.. WTFH?

It hurt like hell.. I played it off the best way I could. I told him how I felt about it. Well didn't tell him all.. I gotta keep my cool some kind of way.. Heck he will be reading this pretty soon anyway.  It took close to 3 years before he even acknowledged me as his girlfriend. It took him 4 years to show me to his family. Also to say I was a special person in his life. It took 5 years for him to say he loved me.  So when it only took this woman a few months to get this title I was furious.. Now note that started communicating last year (I think around September).. Just the beginning of this year, I saw where he said she was a special woman in his life..

What the FUCK was I? More and more I think about it.. I wasn't nothing to him. I was just a friend that he kicked with.. I was a person to talk to... I was just someone he screwed..   Hell I didn't work for this relationship for 6 HARD years.. I have nothing to show for it now but a freaking (BROKEN-HEART).. Yea I finally said it.. I am Heart-Broken.. I am upset.. I am dammit MAD... 

I tried to be a understanding woman. I tried to pretend that it doesn't bother me. I was doing all that to keep my sanity. Well all it was doing was bringing me down. Walking around with freaking fake smiles. Telling people that I am ok. Well I can no longer say that.. I am not ok.. I don't know if I will ever be..

Those good times, those memories, the long talks.  I lost myself into this man. My interest with women even came at a halt when I was with him. I felt like everything in the world was so much better, just because he was in it..  He was the one man I can say I ever loved. Too bad, he just couldn't love me the way I needed to be loved..

One day this hurt will soon fade.. Maybe soon, maybe later.. Who knows..!!! I still love that man.. Shyt Hell.... It never took me this long to get over anyone.. I do know I hope that he is happy.. I pray that the woman treats him good.. I also hope he finally knows what love is and how to love someone.. He wasn't too good at doing it with me... I wish you all the luck in the world MC....

Sand through the Hour Glass... These are the Days of My life....

I don't even know what to say at this point.  I am really a lost for words.  Today wasn't quite my day. It started off Happy to be off from work.   I just knew it was going to be a good day for me. I am trying everyday to look up and smile about the things that matter the most... Me....  Well at least I thought that was going to be the case. Then I get to Wal-Mart and the item that I wanted was there.  So basically  I search around looking for the item.  I ended up finding what I want at Best Buy.  Even that when kinda bad. It seems that they couldn't find it in the store. I told him that on the internet and me calling the store they told me it was plenty.   After getting the item and frustrated at the fact that the service was so horrible.  

I came home to try and get my thoughts together.  I started to clean out my fish tank. I had brought them some new rocks and so forth.  I waited a few hours and tried to return my fish back to the tank... The unthinkable happened.. They both die.... I was like what in the freaking hell is going on here.  I was upset and I just didn't know what had happened. I feel they died cause they didn't like that I changed their surroundings.  Some of it could be cause of me having such a stressful day.  I don't know, but I am truly going to miss Frick and Frat.... I had gotten so used to them. I know I should have waited and cleaned the tank out tomorrow. 

On top of all that mess. You know a few days ago, I talked about how I was getting rid of some ungrateful ass. Well today became so CLEAR that I truly need to hurry up and exit this man right out of my life. He was just so TOXIC to my well-being.  I seen myself going down the road that I once was in.  

As I said I had been there for him. To let him tell it, I was never there.. I don't know where in the hell this was all coming from.. I just know, I am on the road to healing myself. I don't need a selfish, unworthy, and untrustworthy alcoholic...  

I hope that tomorrow has better things in store for me. I can not go through the crap I went through today.. It seems I am always the one that get the rough end of every stick that is thrown at me.  I have tried and tried to be honest with myself. I am really at the point of asking where and when do I catch a break...

My Thought of the Day.. Friends with Benefits...

My thought of the day has been on my minds for years. I can not quite get the point of some people. The conversation I had with a good friend from the past triggered me. It fired me up last night. So then this morning I went to ask a few more men about the subject.

I am talking about men and maybe some women who wants only sex and nothing more. Come on people, where is the respect in that. I am so FREAKING tired of that lifestyle. Who in the hell ever came up with it? It is on the same lines of this Independent Woman shyt. I don't like it what so ever.

In my early 20's, I went out with a few dudes. I kicked it with them and maybe one or two I screwed. It came a point where I had to put a stop to it. I wanted more and they was saying crap like it is better just the way it is. I was like huh? How is it better? Is it better because you can go out and screw whom ever you want and not have to answer to anyone else... Well to those who are willing to suck themselves on that and taking a chance of catching something, go right the hell on. My door will not be opened for you...

So back to a friend of mine, he was saying that he was wanting to find someone that he can screw from time to time. I told him to go out and find a girlfriend. He was like Hell Naw, I don't want that. So I was getting confused. Cause who is just going to screw a man and her not being his girlfriend? He said I want... A Friend with Benefits... I said, what woman wants to be in that type of relationship.. I told him go out and find a steady WHORE... He just better make sure he has more money in his pocket.. A dick aint just enough when it comes to that type of relationship. He said he can't handle the more that a woman wants. He don't want the drama that comes with a relationship. He likes his own space and freedom.. I think those type of men are COWARDS.. They don't know how to be a real man. He lacks how to treat women with respect. So whore hurt him in his past and he don't know how to get out of that rut..

So once I got up this morning I call the King of I don't want a relationship... I asked him what is it with men and not wanting to commit themselves to a woman. His big answer was, I am scared... I was like how in the hell a grown ass man can be scared? He said if his feelings get hurt he gonna cry or something. I asked him he don't want to get hurt but he is constantly hurting the females. He said he aint doing such, because he told the woman before hand he didn't want one.

I think men and women need to stop playing these games with one another. If you don't want a relationship, then don't pursue that person. If you just want sex go buy a crackhead or whore... I am so tired of the mixed signals. I am so tired of the saying, Friends with Benefits. I am a woman who wants and needs more. I want a friend, a lover, a companion, security, and commitment. I don't need a man on the side.. I don't need a booty call. I want a man to be mine and all mine.
So I say no... to this...