My Top songs of 2012...

As most you you all know.. I LOVE music... So I was TRYING to narrow down my top 12 songs of 2012... Well it didn't end up that way.. :( 

So here is my list!!

You will have to click the link to get the rest....

I tell ya!!

I tell you over this last week... I have learned a few things.. It is some sneaky ass people floating around..    I think that it's crazy and to me it doesn't make sense.. I don't bother anyone.. I also try to be upfront with everyone too.. This is just WAY to much for me.. Let me tell you all about the 3 scenario's I've had to encounter..

The 1st one starts off this way.. I have 2 mutual friends we both know each other very well.. One is a guy and one is a girl.. Y'all know a couple of weeks back when I was telling you all about how someone from my past wanted to get with me.. You know the one that keeps lying about how he is changing.. You know wants me and loves me and wants to marry me guy..  (I knew his ass was lying in the 1st damn place).. Anyhoo around this time last week.. My friend (girl) hit me up and said.. You wont believe who is trying to holla at me.. So I was like Who? She told me.. I was like WOW.. Oh really.. She goes into detail about what he says to her.. I was like hmmmmmmm he does me the same way.. So I CONFRONTS him.. He tries to say it was just flirting and so forth and he truly does want to marry me. I was like go F yourself. So the next day she was like, Did you say something to him? He wont talk to me anymore.. I was like Yes cause I don't like messy shyt.. So how about she was going back telling him everything I was typing to her.. I was like.. You dumb ass.. So you must want to still get with this liar... He was trying to get a attitude with me.. So be it.. I cut that whole thing off.. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT..

The 2nd one comes after damn 10 years... I used to chat with this guy.. I believed that me and him were going to really be together.. After chatting for 2 years via Blackplanet and Yahoo.. We became very close.. I think I was about to fall for the guy.. He was a trip and I considered him to be my boyfriend and I think he thought of me as his girlfriend.. We would get ont he camera every day.. We would talk on the phone for hours when we had a chance to talk to each other.. We were planning on meeting each other and I was going to move where he lived.. This was how much I enjoyed this guy.. We never got to meet..We were suppose to though but at the time I think he got cold feet.. Ok.. Me and him both have friends via yahoo.. One I think highly of.. The other one I thought we were close.. Oh well.. Come to find out this week.. She was putting salt in my game the WHOLE time..  She knew we were going to be an item.. I was told that she was talking MAD SHYT about me over the years.. She was also confessing how much she liked this guy.. Now note... I am not sure how true this is, but it is all coming together in my eyes.. The chic barely speaks to me.. When we do, she is short.. When I found out the two of them were dating.. I was like oh well.. I wasn't mad but now knowing that the reason why they started talking was because the stuff that was said about me.. This could have been a really good relationship for me.. Cause we got to know about each other before meeting.. I mean 2 WHOLE years of conversations.. When I used to talk to her she would tell me that he was talking nothing but mad shyt about me.. Then what he was telling me she was talking mad shyt about me.. This is my MAIN reason why I don't trust NOT A NAN MUDDERFUDDER.. I think that was some trifling shyt.. Well it is now 10 years later and I am just finding this out because he wants to reconcile our friendship..  Its cool but it was his lost and hers too..

My 3rd has been weighting on me for quite some time now.. You know some of the reason why me and my EX are no longer together because of her roommate. Yea.. found out his ass was telling her daughter that I was talking about her.. So this made the daughter not like me and so forth.. That's not the only reason but it played a major role in it.. You know if the child don't like you the parent isn't gonna like you too much either.. Well over the last few weeks.. I am hearing all this shyt this jealous ass man been saying about me.. I am so ready to confront him.. I know it is jealousy of me.. He is just mad I am a woman and he have to have surgery to become one.. What irrks me the most is that he smiles all in my face.. I mean ALL the time.. Even though me and my ex aren't together we still live in the same town.. So I see him from time to time he comes to my job. Smiles and says how much he misses me.. Then boom say something totally different behind my back.. I tell you.. That shyts fowl..

This is why I have a hard time trusting people.. I don't bother anyone and I stay to myself a lot.. Yet this shyt has gotten me on F a friend.. A fake one anyway.. I rather you hate in my face than behind my back..

What you go through can HUMBLE you!!

As you all know.. I've been going through this forgiveness process.. It is becoming easier the more I practice what I preach.. I am so THANKFUL for that.. I was holding on to so much that was hurting or hurt me. To where I couldn't go forward in life..  I am so trying to move forward to the BETTER ME.. So yes, forgiveness was on my #1 list of priorities.. 

In the midst of it all.. I was contacting some of the people that I didn't have any closure with. It's been years since I last talk to one of the people that I thought I would never be able to live without.. Let's just say.. I am happy that they too is going through a forgiveness project... They are so humbled and thankful for being able to go through what they have been through and still are standing...

Over the weekend I had a lot of time to think and I cleansed my heart.. I got drunk in the process too.. hehehe. Thanks to my friends for the night out and the laughs.. It was great..
I am getting stronger and stronger.. I accept the things I can't change.. I have learned to let go over things that might once cause me pain..

I know that this is going to be a long journey cause of the years and years of holding things in. I never learned a easy way of letting go. So I was turning into a bitter and unhappy woman.. I saw that that wasn't me and not the person I wanted to be.. This is also humbled me.. I am so thankful for the experiences.. I am on the right track..  I am going to make it... :)

It is Christmas time again.. The year is almost coming to an end.. I am not in the place that I was in this time last year.. I was floating on CLOUD NINE last year.. I in a place of pure bliss and I was living my dream life.. Yes that life turned out to be just that a DREAM!!  

Once the new year came everything went down the drain.. I became again.. A NON Factor in a person's life that I fell in love with. I sure know how to pick em.. Right?  Well this Christmas I am not only not in the mood for Christmas.... Christmas is such a giving and joyful time of year.. Well me... I have nothing to give.. I am also not in the joyful state of mind. 

So far I have only brought my mother, god daughter, and my auntie a gift.. Even my mind is at an stand still.. I used to know what to buy people.. I used to be on top of my gift giving.. Heck I have the tree up and have yet to wrap a gift.. 

I hate the mood I am in.. I wish I didn't go through these emotions and feelings... I just want to be in a great state of mind mentally and emotionally... In due time a guess..  I am going to try and make that one of my priorities for the new year.. I don't want to go down the same path again.. I am so ready to live life and stop it from passing me by..

Although I am a loner and I tend to isolate myself from the world.. I hate the feeling of loneliness.. When the holidays come around..  I think of having a special love... Today I was telling my moni that I am angry.. I am mad at myself.. I am mad at the fact that I was blind sided.. I am getting older.. I want that intimate family..  Me and that special love of my life.. The kind of love that their main reason for waking up everyday is me.. 

I will continue to be patient though.. I will also keep in mind that I am truly blessed to have loved in my life if it doesn't come my way again...

I am wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.. If I don't post anything else this month..