A New Year....

Here comes a New Year.. A time that everyone start fresh.. They make resolutions that most don't keep.. Thanking the Lord above for making it another year.. It is a blessing to make it to another year.. For me anyway.. I never thought I would still be standing here in my right mind...

I am not going to make a bunch of sayings that I am going to do this and I am going to do that.. Nine out of ten.. I might not even do one.. I have gotten so complacent in life. Every time I try  to make a change.. I always fall back into all over again... So I am not making any promises.. Let's just say... I am going to try my best.. That is all I can do.. I am going to try to live better.. I am going to try and make better decisions when it come to my Health, My finances, My Educations, and my Social and Personal life..


I suppose to hang out with my friend's and Heaven tomorrow night... My friend is having a house party to bring in the New Year.. Let's hope that turns good... Until Next Year....

Happy New Year...

Christmas 2010

I hope that you all had a WONDERFUL Christmas... This year it didn't feel like much of a Christmas to me. I was under so much stress and just wasn't feeling up to par. I didn't have the Jolly Jolly attitude.

I worked and just came home everyday and CRASHED. I also had somethings I had to deal with. I am still wanting to clear things up with them. They just haven't called to do so.. I offered my number to them, if they needed to straighten things out.

MY finances also made it VERY hard to buy much of gifts.. So that also dampened my Christmas Spirit..  I am always the one who buys many gifts for people. I am glad they understood... Heck I did make a big breakfast for everyone to come and eat.. It was a small hand full that came.  I bet if I had them a gift they would have came over to the Breakfast.. Some just always expect something. Don't they?

Heaven came by and spent the night with me. I don't know what got into him. You know we haven't been seeing much of each other lately. He said that he has been thinking a lot about me lately. He was talking to his cousin and was saying things about me. He said through it all I have always remained his friend. This whole speech about how I have always understood, stuck by him, and gave him great advice. So he loves that about me. He said in this world it is hard to find a TRUE FRIEND and he believes that I am one of them.  I really didn't jump on that speech much.. Cause he has been the one who has been distant with me.

Anyways it was still good to bring Christmas in with him. I have missed him. I am also glad that he understood what I've been trying to say the whole time.. Although when we used to hang out we would have sex... Well this time it was just us talking and enjoying each others company.. So I believe I got the best Christmas present ever... Having Heaven just hold me through out the night was a wonderful present...

Can you believe that South Carolina had a WHITE CHRISTMAS yea.. We ended up with snow yesterday. I wasn't to thrilled about it. My plans for Christmas night was to Parrrrrrrrrtaaaaaaaayyy..  So I ended up staying at home.. My uncle and his fiancée was suppose to cook Christmas dinner.. Yet they didn't and didn't tell us until late Friday... So we didn't have the big Christmas dinner that I always provide for my family on Christmas day.. Something told me to still cook.. I ended up getting a plate from my cousin.  I cooked tacos and me and my mother enjoyed our evening anyway.  Watched an ass of movies.. So overall Christmas was pretty good.. I have life and family so that all that matters.. Today I think I am going to just enjoy the rest of my time off and get ready for my work week ahead.. I am taking a semi-vacation coming next friday.. I am going to bring in the New Year... Hopefully in the Atl...

Feelings.. whoa whoa whoa FEELINGS....

My emotions is all over the place right now.. I don't know if I should SCREAM or should I CRY... I  don't think today was a day for me.  

I had thought about staying in bed all day today. I want to get some rest and what not. I had got some news yesterday that another one of my family members has AIDS... So I was hurting about that. Just after seeing what Tim went through. I don't know if I am emotionally strong to go through it again.  I am going to try though. I know that once they decide to come back home. I am going to have to be strong for them.


Today was also my first time seeing MC in 2 years. He came down for a party for one of his homeboys.. So he called my mother and told her that he was going to come by to see me today.  I didn't know how I was going to feel or say if I ever saw him again.  I was also shocked to see him. The last vision of him in person was the day he left while I was in North Carolina for a meet and greet. The last words he said to me in person  was " I don't LOVE you the way you LOVE me".. Those words was stronger than any KNIFE...  Yea we are friends via Facebook.. Yet being face to face always have a different effect...  Deep down inside it made me feel happy to see him.. Why can't I let my feelings for him go.. Why do I still LOVE this man?  It felt good to have him hug me once again. It felt good to see his smile once again...

So yea my feelings are all over the place.. Once again I am lost.. All those things I try to put behind me, came back today...

Looking for LOvE....

As I stated before in my last post. I believe that after two years of being single. I am ready for love once again.  I am ready to have a bond with someone that I feel no one else can break. I am ready to put my guard down and be and feel loved.

I was reading my sister's status today on FB. She was talking about those who are in and out of relationship. They don't give themselves time to really search for what it is they want out of an relationship.  I think this is why I took so long to say I want to be in one again. After MC hurt me over and over for 6 years. I didn't think I will be able to love again.  Just last week I broke down to him. I was telling him how it is so hard for me to move on, just cause. I am afraid to let another person take everything from me.  Then after talking to one of my long time friends via the Internet. He told me to MOVE on.. Let all that go. STOP holding on that fear. Let LOVE fill your heart once again.

He also told me to stop taking so much crap off those get into a relationship with. He said that could have been the down fall for me and MC relationship. I must at all times demand respect. I must let them know that I will not tolerant nonsense. That way they might think twice of doing it. He said MC did it only cause he knew he could get away with it...

So I been sitting down writing down what I have to offer a mate.. I feel that love isn't always enough to hold a relationship. I do feel although communication will. I have always been honest and faithful to anyone I've dated. I also when I LOVE you that is exactly what it is. I truly don't use that word loosely.  I am also a understanding, compassionate, and hard working woman.

My only beef I  have at this moment is what do people really want... See I have came across two men in the last 2 years. It seems that they aren't trying to have anything. So I really have to deal with them with a long handed stick. When we talk it is always about the things they want to do with me.. I am not about that anymore.. I want more than that.. I believe I deserve more than that.. I am tired of men and woman always trying to use a jump off... Just like I was blindsided by my crush.. I let the fact that I liked him so much that I let it go there with him.

I am not looking for short term.. I am not looking for just sex... I am not looking for anymore fake relationships... I am ready to find LOVE... If you not looking for the same.. Just please don't approach me..

What this Girl Wants...

I was chit chatting with my friend..  We were talking about my past events of the week.

I am just ready to live my life. I am tired of fooling with the nonsense of others. I don't even want to be bothered anymore. 2011 is my year and I know it.

It started this year when I said I was tired. I started wanting a change in my life.
I saw myself not to long ago about to take another step back down the same road. I had to stop and shake that off. So yea I am thankful right now for standing my ground and getting my life back in order. It took awhile and I still working on it. I have a drive in me.. So I am ready to continue the road to my own personal success.

Although I am in my happy place right now.. I am beginning to want some companionship. I've been single now for almost 2 years now. I am happy to be single but it isn't always a cake walk. Especially around these Holidays, it would be nice to have someone to spend it with. So yea I am ready for a relationship.. A slow, honest, fulfilling, and loving relationship.

Money rules the world. The prices of everything is going up. I sometimes feel that I work just to eat and pay bills. My job isn't really promised anymore. They are still cutting hours and what not. So what I want is out there somewhere.. I've been looking and still trying to land another job.  I don't want to struggle anymore. I want to be able to say, my credit, my bills, and everything else is paid. I need this right now. Just the other week, I told my moms, It's a shame that I will have more when I am dead than while I am living.. Pretty soon, I will no longer be living check to check.. This is what I want.. This is one want I know will come true.

It has been months since I last went out anywhere.. Well I am ready to get back to the social scene I once had. I remember I was the life of the party at one point of my life. I even would have parties at my house. I am ready to let my hair down again. Me and some friends are going to Atlanta for New Years.. I really can't wait for that. I am in need of a GOOD TIME.. I just pray that my girls are ready.. Cause I know I am...

So at this point all I want is a Good Relationship, More Money in the bank, and Have a Good Time.. Is this too much to ask.. I don't believe so...

I am doing me.. Bye Bye to you..

Last night I took a long look at myself.. I even evaluated everything and everyone who has been in my life.. Yes thanks to the #'s game.. I sit back and realized a lot of things about myself..  In every single relationship I gave my all... It could have been family, friends, even associates.. I literally gave too much of myself. 

I am no where near a evil person. So people come and go out of my life.  I have always been the person who would give the only shirt off my back to warm up the next person. As a child my mother used to fuss at me. She would buy me things and I would give them all away.  I felt that I don't need those things. So I would give it to a person who did. I never expected anything in return. 

Well that went on and on even in my adult years. I just give, give, give. I would make the next person feel like a million dollars and they would make me feel like I was less than a buck.. I put up with it. I just never wanted them to feel bad. Sometimes I was happy to see them happy. Yet have you ever met a person who was never satisfied with anything. No matter what you gave them or did for them.. You still wasn't  shyt to them. 

Well I can no longer go through this cycle.. I can't help that I have a giving heart.. I can't help that I am not a bitchy person. I am a genuine human being.. If I like you I like you.. If I don't like you I don't deal with you.. If I love you I love you..  This is just the person I am.. I don't gossip, I hate it.. I feel like people who do, just don't like something about themselves. I don't even care to hear it to be honest.  I am straight forward.. If I have a problem with you that I feel the need to be addressed.. I go for it. Why not? I am a grown human being that I've been dealt many hands.. I don't have to hide the person I am..

This is what I am going to say from this day forward.. I don't have time to play games... I don't have time wondering when you are going to come around.. I don't have time to think about the what if's.. I am going to do me.. I can tell that most of the time I am the topic of other people conversations.. It's cool, keep talking.. It makes me popular and hell that is a form of love and flattering..  

I am one that don't care what others think of me.. I barely come out the house.. I don't fool with too many people.. So what ever you think of me.. Majority of it is fabricated..  

I can no long hold on to the pains of my past.. Some might call me bitter when it comes to certain things.. I am no way near it.. After my trust is gone.. It is GONE.. After you shytted on me.. I cleaned it up and kept on walking.. I no longer need you in my life... I now say Deuces to you.. I no longer need you to make me feel less than nothing.. I am more now than I was with you.. Deuces 

Then to those who think you are going to get over on me.. I gotcha..  Never worry I am ahead of you.. I also don't want to fool with those who lie so much they get depressed when you catch them in their little story telling.. You aint shyt either.. I am about tired of your fucking game.. 

I don't want no ones Mineral Oil, Muddy Water etc etc... I got fucking problems of my own.. 

In closing.. Remember the bridges you burn.. You can never cross them again...

Peace...

Men aren't too clueless...

Facebook today we were playing the Number Game.. It was very enjoyable I might add.. The thing starting to make me think.. It were a few guys that I let slip away from me. It brought up the " what if's".. I hate those "what if's"...

I started to think about the type of men I came across also. I don't think men are totally dumb anymore.. A man seeks out the type of woman he wants.. Men know about us before we can really know about them.

So I am no longer trying to be everything to a man. They all want what they want at that time.. Like MC when we were dating I noticed he always was looking for the easy freak.. Someone to give him some type of quick satisfaction.. The times he cheated on me with a few women, it was always women he knew he wouldn't have a life with. He wanted a gang of women to boost his self esteem..

Then when I dated ZV he told me I was wifey material and that was something he wasn't ready for.. I was like ok.. I was so confused for a long time by that comment.  We dated for a very long time. So I was like why are we still together if it isn't going to be something between us.. He could never answer..


Even the men that I liked and my crush.. I started playing in my head the type of women they date.. It isn't anything wrong with me. I am perfectly normal. Men choose not to date me because I do have my right mind. The type of men I come in contact with aren't ready for what I have to offer.. I am a good, loving, and honest woman. I try not to sleep around. I don't hang out in the clubs.. Plus I say what is on my mind at all times.. I believe that they just can't handle that. I am just a little too much for them..

So men are smart.. They know getting with a woman like me.. You have to give me 100 and I wont accept anything less than that...

It was a matter of time...

Tonight folks.. I had to hear about something that really has been on my mind a lot lately.. It was just a matter of time. So I am sitting here hurting for my cousin/friend..  I've might have posted about her boyfriend.

I had stopped hanging around her, because I could not deal with all the mess he has put her through and she refused to listen to any of it.. It began from the 1st time they started dating.. I didn't care for him. He was to young and she has a lot going for her..

Then I found out about him and his abusive past. I knew it when I 1st laid eyes on him.. I tried telling her. I've been with his type before so I recognized the signs. Yet she kept telling me he isn't like that.

A few months later me and him got into it because he wrecked her car. I told her then.. LEAVE HIM ALONE. She wouldn't do it. I didn't know what hold this man had on her but I didn't like it. They would argue all the time and it just wasn't healthy for her or her kids. She didn't even know this man that long and he was already turning her life upside down... It became that me and a few of her other friends just stopped coming around. I knew we would catch a charge if we had to be around him.. She told me that she had been tell him that she needed for him to leave. She wasn't happy with the way the relationship was going. He even started accusing her of things..

So tonight she told me what he did to her. It broke me down. Cause it wasn't something I wanted her to go through. I've been through it myself...  I am going to be there for her.. I just pray that she doesn't take him back again... Love is suppose to be kind and loving.. A person you suppose to care about is not suppose to hit you.. A person that claims to love you suppose to make you happy.. I wish this type of thing would end..  No person suppose to lay a hand on their wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend.. It is just not right..

I am just glad that she finally saw what so many of us have been telling her.. I just hate that it came out this way..

I tell you...

It seems like almost forever since I've last been here...  I been wanting to post an entry, but really didn't feel like writing one.  Nothing has really changed in my life. I am still struggling for hours at work. When I get them, they are over working me. So Ise be tired once I get home. 

It's is one thing that I can say.. The person I call Heaven is a piece of work.  How about I found out the reason to him not coming around or texting? This fool had went out and got a girlfriend.. It was posted on his facebook relationship status. It was on there for a few hours and then it was gone. I am not sure if the girl posted it and he deleted it. I didn't even bother to ask him any questions. I have said that what me and him could have had is now over. I am not even interested in him anymore. He has to much shyt floating around him.  Plus he is now back on the texting me again.  He is saying that he is going through so much he doesn't know what to do..  My whole thing is, why are you telling me?  I guess he think I care at this point. I haven't seen him since the week after my Birthday, which was 2 months ago. I didn't talk to him since Thanksgiving.. Then this past week, everyday. He said he is minimizing  his "DIRTY WATER".. I didn't know how to take that. I was think he was considering me as part of his "DIRTY WATER"..  He was saying that I am not part of it. He just need to sit back and think things over. It is always something with him. If it isn't his "DIRTY WATER". He is saying he don't want to "PUT HIS MINERAL OIL" on me.. What da hell?

Have you ever talked to someone who just doesn't call? I mean all they do it text, text, text?  Also always begging for you to send them a picture.. Why do you insist this? I have been out with this person. We had a few times we met up for dinner or drinks.. I am just not quite sure as to why he is getting on my nerves with this picture situation.  So I am close to going off on him even more.  I might end up hurting this man's feelings.. 

Also this week we had a Tornado come through town. I am just thankful that no one was hurt. I am thankful that it was a F1 and nothing higher than that. My church had some damage and also a few businesses in our downtown area. 

Until next time... Be safe and Be Blessed...