Just let it be..

The other day something was brought to my attention... Someone that is close to me is having concerns about someone that has been spending time with me. See she knows our past. I know that she doesn't like him well just because of what he has done to me in the past.
I take her concerns in to consideration but she is unknowing of the extent of me and his relationship.. The last few years since I been taking care of my mom he has been the constant person here. He checks up on us.. He sometimes spend the weekend with us and he gives me money if I need items like personal stuff and food. I have appreciated his company. When every one walked away or barely check up on me I know he will be there..
I'm not quite sure what to call him but my friend.. We been through hayal and back with one other.. True he sometimes make me sick but in other times we have alwAys had each other back.
She too has been there for me. She also helps me out when she can but when she calls and checks up on me it is mostly to find something else out about me or someone else. I love her but just let it be..
I'm ok right now with the dynamic of my life. I don't have time to go out and meet new people. I don't have time to put in for a new relationship.. He knows me, he knows what I like, and I'm willing to put up with him for the time being.
I  don't think anything is going to come out of this but he is my friend that I was once madly in love with.. I have had my life ripped from me so if he brings me some type of happiness and joy can I just enjoy it.. It's feels good to have interaction with a male after just taking care of mom all day. A man's touch had become non existence I'm not perfect nor is he but I'm 25 years of friendship with him. We been through it all and we remain in each other's life.. Just let it be.

No Excuses..

I know I have been going through a lot lately...

Until i saw this photo, it got me to thinking... I have over the years moved mountains for others..

Some one I have cared for and been there for has claimed his love for me..
Over the years I've been dumb to think things would change and he would really be there..
At first things were good.. I saw much of him... Now since I'm in this situation.. I keep getting excuses.. Its like its too hot, i don't have air conditioning in my car..  I'm tired, you know I'm getting old.. I been working more shifts.. I had too many drinks.  Etc Etc Etc..

My whole thought is.. IT YOU LOVED ME, YOU WILL MAKE A WAY...
I'm not happy.. I been in this relationship again for 7 months now.. Silly of me to think this go round would change..

He tells me he has so much going on and he feels he don't know what to do.. He goes on to say Im hard to please.. STFU . Im not..

All i ask of him is to be there.. All i ask is to show me you really want to be a part of my life.. Yes, me taking care of my mother is a strain... I just need to feel someone cares for me.. So no.. I am not hard to please..

I don't know... I do know if you love someone there shouldn't be excuses..

Dear The Love of my Life...

I'm proud of you.. The sacrifices you have made you are extraordinary..I love you.. It used to be a time that I would fight to love you.. It was people all around saying that they loved you but I could Never tell you.. Couldn't figure for the life of why people loved you... You wasn't no where beautiful or deemed perfect..  So many people would come in and out your life. I sat back and wondered how life would be if things were different.. Sometimes you are so cold.. You tend to hide your feelings.. You was just sometimes complicated...

Then more and more I spent alone time with you, I realized the love I have for you...  I love you.. Your height, figure, skin, eyes...  I love your strength, personality, and your loving heart..  It took me some time but I love and adore you Tracy...

The love letter to myself.... ❤

Time on Earth is Precious...

Over the weekend I lost my childhood best friend. It took some time to process.. I knew the time was coming when the Doctors gave up on her. I really thought that she was going to get through this battle.. Cancer left once then it came back with a vengeance. She remained strong through out it all. I was amazed how strong. I know with me I would have gave up at the first signs.. Her saying, I never knew how strong I was until Strong was what I had to be.
Over the years with drifted a little.. She has children, got married, and move to another city.. We would talk and we still had love for one another.  She really didn't want me to really see her because of my ability to handle stuff like that.. I tell you I am a crier and  a nervous wreck when it comes to sickness.. I never really had to deal with stuff like that. I prayer daily for her daughters and the rest of the family. She was the glue and she ran the whole family.
I was asked to be a Flower girl. I agreed even though I am not a funeral person..

I sit back and look at my mother and how things just keep getting worse, I love my mom and I hate seeing her go through this. Sometimes I can't believe I am doing this all alone too. I am going to enjoy my mom while I have her here.. Time on Earth is so Precious and I can't waste another minute not celebrating...

Prayer goes out to the State of Louisiana..

He says I am just a Friend.. A series of stories...

Hi everyone... I have been working on a story and I thought I would share a little of it here with you all..

He Says I'm just a Friend

By:Mahoganydymond™

Vedda has always been a looker, her spirit, her fashion, and her intelligence is what draws people to her. 

Vedda just has bad pickins when it comes to the men she chooses to fall in love with. She has been dealt bad hands when it comes to relationships. She is going to come across a man who she thought was her everything. He was fun, strong, compassionate, and everything she wanted in a a man, so she thought.

His name was, Andrez.. 

Vedda and Andrez met by passing.. They always knew of each other but never really met..

It was the Summer of 2011 and Vedda was at a friends house for a cookout. She made time for her friends. They always came to Vedda for advice or just to have a great time. Vedda is the life of any party.

While dancing and laughing with a few people Vedda eyes were still on Andrez. Thinking to herself, He has always been attractive to me but his bad boy image was kinda the turn off.  It was just something about him tonight.. 

The sun was gone in and everyone was starting to leave. Vedda stayed on to help her friend out with the clean up. It was more like getting some more info on Andrez. Vedda and her friend Ceisha ended up talking to about 3 in the morning. Vedda headed on home and once she got home she looked up Andrez on Facebook..

Vedda: Hi Andrez, I was noticing you at the cookout earlier.. We have been in passing for years and we have so many mutual friends. I wanted to say hi.. I am going to send you a friends request if you don't mind, accept it.. :)

Vedda gets in the shower and then get ready to go to bed. Church, is in the morning..

As she turn back the covers, the notification goes off and it was Andrez..

Andrez: I accepted your request.. :)  So Miss Vedda, what's up?

Vedda never responded but she stared at that message over analyzing it.. Thinking to herself, did she make an mistake or not. 


Andrez is a guy that don't have all his shyt together, but is a really nice guy. He is in the process of getting his life back on track from being in a little trouble a few years ago. He also getting over a past relationship that he was in for 4 years. 
He is a dark medium built guy. Sorta a loner but is also the life of the party when around a group of people. His growing up is way different than Vedda's.. Vedda's family was loving and free spirit type of family and Andrez was strict and religious..

As this story goes you will find out how Vedda and Andrez connects and how their love for each other blossoms.. You will also find out how both of them become toxic. Especially when there becomes a big obstacle they both face...  

Our Issues...

We both (me and my Bestest) have some major issues that we both have to work on.. 

This is one of the reason why we are still in a stand still about taking our love and friendship further. We've been fighting this feeling for so long.  We both agree that our friendship is more important than anything. I believe that is why we are able to talk about our feelings. 

As I sit an think.. We are so much alike. Our mood swings, Our in search of ourselves.. 

He tells me that he doesn't want to lose me. I believe him.. Even on the days I want to knock the bat shyt hayal out of him...

It's been days that I have been so MEAN and Hateful toward him and he just ignore me. We even stop talking for a few days.. Then when we have calmed down, we talk like nothing ever happened.. 

I love that man.. I have for a very long time. It's just it becomes clearer everyday.. To have a friend that means so much to me is priceless.

Today me and his sister in law (my childhood friend) had talked about US.. She is so team US for some reason. She wants US to be together so bad.. I have to tell her when it is time, it will happen.. We aren't going to rush into anything. We were talking about how he is so crazy about me and how he loves everything about me. She was like Girl, that man has and still is trying to change his ways.. She said the change in him is due to him wanting to be a better man for me. 

It is so weird.. I told him that the song Think Out Loud is really us.. It was a point and time, I just looked at him as just another dude I know.. Then we became the BEST of Friends.. Now we are at the point to where we are so in love with one another but scared of what that Love can do to the both of us. So we got some work to do.. :)

Is it possible to Love someone so much as to the point you don't want to be with them?

This has been a question pondering through my head.. 

As you know that me and my bestest has this deep love for one another. 

We have been there for one another for awhile now. 

Have our ups and downs.. We still manage to be each other comforter..

Then this question gets me. We are sorta toxic toward one another too.. You can feel our chemistry and the passion, yet we don't see eye to eye on things. So from time to time, we might misunderstand one other.. I will be thinking one thing and he will be thinking another. 

Today we had a long and very intense conversation. I know this man loves me.. This man tells me that all the time. What got me in this conversation was powerful... his words..

"I would not hurt you physically and I sure don't want to hurt you mentally. I love you more than you will understand and I want you to be happy. I will not make you happy at this point in my life. You mean a lot to me.. I am not mentally ready for a relationship with you.."

So it had me thinking that maybe we really aren't meant to be in a relationship..  Could we still love one another and never be with one another?  Do love has to always be in a relationship with one another.? Couldn't you love someone and not be with them.. I know people do it all the time, but what good is a love of a person when you can't share everyday together. 

I want more than anything for him to be happy. He has had his share of bad just as I have had.. 

So who knows what our future holds.. We don't know.. I do know that it has been a long time since I have felt love like this.. What makes it even more strange is it is from the very person that knows ALL ABOUT ME... They say Friends make the best lovers.. I am not sure.. In time it might be the best  for us. At this point I don't think so.. 

You know if we go further what if it doesn't work out.. Would we lose the friendship that we once had..?

Time will tell with us.. Right now, it feels good to know someone loves me enough to be honest about their heart...

I figured it out!!!!!!!!

For awhile I was thinking it was me.. I was the reason for all my failed relationships.. Or why so many men see me as just a friend type person... 

I am partly the reason because of the men I attract.. Also the type of men I am attracted too..

See I have no qualms in being single.. I have to work hard and I also have to take care of my mother who is now in 1st level of Dementia.. Yes I haven't spoken on that because I really don't want anyone coming to my mother feeling sorry for her.. She is still strong willed, she just have some good and bad days..  So I think I was just looking for outside fulfillment to get me through the rough part. 

Well anyway the common words I always get from men is :You are too good for me: You are Heaven Sent: You deserve better:... So am I continually going for the wrong men.. YES!!

The light bulb  lit up after talking yesterday to an old internet friend.. He asked me what do I look for in a man (relationship) and what are the type of things I do in the relationship..

He said I all the qualities of a GOOD WOMAN and a GOOD Wife.. He said I just go for the wrong men. He said he doesn't understand how a person like me fall for the uneducated, crazy, temperamental, Childish men.. He said he has watched over the years the different types of men I've dated.. He asked me was I truly ready for relationships... I told him after he put that out there.. I am not quite sure. 

Then I talked to my Life Coach and how I told him about a few things that were bothering me yesterday.. It was my birthday and I tend to go all out with others. The only things I got from my Bestest was a call early in the morning singing Happy Birthday.. :(  I went all out for his.. He even promised to call me back later in the day... He did not.. I even got drunk and called him.. He didn't answer or did he even respond to my Facebook message.. He told me to let that go, squash it, and just do me.. Why am I still drawn to this type of pain.. I really don't know..

I was watching last week Fix My Life.. Another light bulb moment.. Brokenness attracts Brokenness.. I have said before I have Daddy Issues.. Me and my father are some what closer than we ever been once I got older..  Growing up I didn't have a bad childhood I was just one who had to grow up way earlier than most.. I was cooking full meals at 8 years of age.. I had to help my mother take care of my grandmother and when my mom worked I had to make sure my grandmother was set, fed, and cleaned.. 

Then I also have separation anxieties..  Everything I love the most tends to leave me.. I thank God my mom is still here though.. I am somewhat anti social but when I get around folks I feel comfortable around I am good.. I sometimes feel at ease with strangers than I do people I know the most.. That way they don't know the pain and struggle I have on day to day life..

Besides all the emotions I was going through yesterday on my Birthday.. I can say it turned out to be pretty decent.. I got money, cards, balloons, hugs, kisses, and a dinner.. The most important thing was to still be here to share it with those who love and care for me deeply.. I will be having a few friends over on Friday.. :)

It is What it Is!! No Regrets...

I used to think that so many others had an warp sense of what LOVE & Relationships suppose to be like.. I think it might be me with that problem.. (seriously)...  I am starting to think I live in some type of fairytale love life. The KEYWORD is EXPECT a little to much out of relationships. I have read too many love stories, watched too many movies, and saw too many soap operas in my day..

Wanting that perfect love can sometimes kill everything in it's path..

Now you know that me and my friend was trying to see if it would workout between us. We are still cool but for us to maintain that strong bond in our friendship we got to slow it down. He is still in the process of getting his life back to normal and I am just to STRONG willed to wait.. If that makes sense. It has gotten to the point where we would argue because I didn't understand what was going on,, He is one of those types that you have to beat a word out of.  (I didn't hit him)..

You know he started back working all the time.. When it was time for us to spend together he would be just too tired.. So I was feeling as if he just didn't want to be bothered.. So You know me.. I want to know why there is no time spent with each other.. Then that led into TRACY YOU EXPECT TO MUCH FROM ME.. argument.. I know I've done it in the past.. So I just started backing off.. I would go days with out talking or texting him.. Hayal, the last time I actually saw him in the physical was September 13th.. Yea that was the last time.. So this was around October 1st when it was becoming an issue with me. 

So we took the time to have a very long and deep conversation.. We love each other dearly.. We know that.. He said he rather lose me as a lover than to lose me as a friend. He rather have me for a life time than a short time.. I understand where he was coming from.. It is what it is.. I see that once again. Men only love me for my friendship.. LOL I guess that's a good thing and I am not mad at him what so ever.. Some just aren't ready for what and who I am.. 

I am quite sure no one will ever be.. 

I talked to my Life Coach about this.. He told me that is the best form of LOVE... He goes on to tell me, relationships don't always last just like friendships.. Yet to have someone to love you enough to let you go and find what you really need in your life.. Is someone that truly loves you and know you deserve the best.. 

I'll take that.. 

I got Love all over me!!

I know it has been awhile for me.. I am sorry that I have lead my readers astray.. I had to get myself together and figure out what was really going on in my life. 

I think the last time I wrote I was telling you all about the person that was in my life. You know he wanted GOD to lead our relationship..  Been a friend for YEARS! The man that knows everything in my life, from good to the bad.. Yea that man.. :)

Well I have also gotten back into church. The conversation with THE MAN really help me let go of my fears and mistrust in the church. My eyes have been open to so much.. I thank him... I know that it has been on my mind. I had missed the fellowship and going to church to receive my word. It was just so much going on and I didn't know how to deal with it. I am overcame it all though.. I still have my days but everyday Thanking the Lord for allowing me to get it right, is a blessing itself.. 

This man is no where near perfect, yet there are things about him that makes him a great and loving person. We built our friendship years ago by just getting to know each other.. At the time we both were going through some spiritual and emotional issues.. So we would talk and talk and talk.. Sometimes you would have thought we were the only people in the world. He and I would be joined at the hip.. LOL Then we lost contact, not completely but not as we once was.. His girlfriend at the time didn't like me. She didn't won't him to have anything to do with me. I really didn't understand at the time. Now over the years I figured it out.. He told me after that relationship ended.. He said he once told her how he felt about me. He also told her no one and he means no one would break the bond that we had together. (You all know me, I was cheesing)... He also said he is always at his happiest when him and I are together. (that right there made me melt, because I feel the same with him)..

So we been going through it since early April.. We have our days but I know this man LOVES me. As I said that he wants God to lead us..  So we have been chilling and letting things take it's course. Not rushing into anything but getting to know each other on a different level. So we won't sacrifice our friendship. He is my best friend and I truly don't want to lose that part of him. We kid about how we have been through different relationships and we seem to always be there for one another when it fails.. Then we always realize we didn't need those people to begin with.. It seems that our failed relationships always gets us closer and closer together.. He was there for me with MC and he was there for me with that woman I dated.  So whose to say that this might not be the man God has for me. 

I get along I think with his family.. His mother sometimes questions me. I over look it though.. She is just being a mother. I am good to him and he is good to me. I think his mother only see the things I do.. Or she just think that a man should do it all. I cook and I coupon. So she sees the things I give him.. She also think I am making him fat because the way I feed him.. Well that's my man.. I don't mind giving him a meal..  I don't mind giving him free toilet paper and paper towels.. :)

All in all I am in a happy place.. Not cause of him but seeing the change in me. I think it took my best friend to show up and give me the reality check. Yea, you know after me and that woman had broken up.. I was just so tired of love and being let down. I became once again depressed.. He got tired.. He was 100% blunt with me. So it took me a few weeks to get what he was saying. Then I realized.. I have always been a snap back type of woman. So why was I drowning myself. I was a better swimmer in this game of life. So I give him thanks for that..

Anyhoo I am sorry that this BLOG was so long.. I just wanted to give you all the run down on what's been going on with me.. I will be back on Friday or Saturday to give you all my input with the Mike Brown situation.. Until then take care...

Love says, “I am here for you… in the good and bad times. I will love you on our good and bad days. I will love the best parts of you and love you through the worst.”

When there is nothing else but to let God...

I had to just come and write tonight.. Today has been such an amazing day full of hope and promises.. 

I had the most in depth, heartfelt, spiritual conversation.. 

Me and the man I've been calling my Bestest over the years.. 

Let me introduce my Bestest.. 

He is an amazing man who is often misunderstood even by me.. :)

He has been one that even before MC was someone I knew was going to always be in my life. 

He brings out the BEST in me and sometimes the WORSE when he pisses me off. ;) (who doesn't from time to time)..

Well in the past we have always been very close friends.. We have  always been able to talk about anything.. Have a debate and agree to disagree.. He is one man that keeps me in my place.. You know I am someone who always got to control every situation and he makes sure to give me an reality check. 

I LOVE this man to the MOON and BACK..

He is my Ying to my Yang..

I speak highly of him.. I guess you all are wondering why this isn't my husband.. I wonder that myself.. I believe in time he will be the one that walks me down the isle. Until he will ALWAYS be my BEST FRIEND the man I call my BESTEST.. 

Anyhoo I hung out with him yesterday.. I tend to always sleep over from time to time when I need to get away from home.. 

This morning waking up and seeing him, something came all over me. I mean I was feeling some type of way and I had to talk about it.. 

Over the years I have been burned by people.. Whether it was work, church, friends, and family.. So I discussed my concerns.. I have been on this spiritual journey over the last few months.. He has always been a spiritual person himself.. When ever I was in a test of faith mode, he was the one I always had turned to..  

I just say this.. When a person can cry, pray, and laugh together... REMAINS TOGETHER!! 

I never experienced this with a friend or family before..

It was like GOD was really speaking through our conversation today.. We shed tears, amazement, and had a very moving moment.. 

Then to hear Tracy, you are the one.. Never think that you aren't.. I am ready for God to lead me to you and be front and center of our relationship/friendship.. I love you and I know you love me.. So lets let God lead our direction..

(do you all know how that made me feel) I NEVER in my life had a man nor woman say that to me.. 

I started crying again.. Then laughed because I saw how serious he was.. Then I felt bad because I thought he was joking at first.. But this man is serious.. So we are going to see where this road is going to lead us.. Just know you all.. I am Happy to still have my BESTEST in my life.. 

I have learned so much from him and he has learned a lot from me.. It just seems in time.. Our paths or going to be going the same direction.. No rush just enjoying life on my way.. 

Take a Look in the Mirror and don't walk away until you fall in love with yourself!!

This morning talking to one of my friend guys.. He was asking me what was really going on in my life. He had been getting signals from my Facebook Statuses and he wasn't happy about it. I gave him the run down and he said this...
"u don't love yourself enough bc u keep allowing yourself to be hurt from the same type of situation...remember people don't change they just become more of who they really are! So go stand in front of your mirror and don't move until you fall in love with the person u see in it....."

This got to me, because I am one who always say I love myself daily.. I truly believe I love myself. So this got me to question myself.. Do I really?

I think that I am a ok looking woman.. I work hard to provide for myself. I am a loving person. I help people when I can. I don't ask for much. I live day by day with optimism.. So where am I failing? I don't think that I am a failure... I try to live my life right..

I just want to feel.. I want to feel LOVE.. I want to feel WANTED.. I want to feel BELONG to.. I don't think that is not Loving myself. Yes, I have allowed people to continue to hurt me. I think that is cause I am easily to get hurt. I play strong but I am so into my emotions anything can trigger that.

It's a process everyday to learning how to give myself props. I haven't hurt anyone in my lifetime as I know of. So I will never say it is Karma. I just believe when I LOVE someone I LOVE them. Getting over the hurt and pain always seem to live longer than the relationship.. It's the reasons behind it, I believe.. I am a good person. I give my honesty, my Loyalty, and all the respect in the relationship. I am starting to believe it is ME..I has to be. People LOVE me only in spurts. I said this before and I am going to say this again.. I am not CUT out for this. Even though deep down inside I crave it..

So I am going to work on How to Love me More... I must have lost the memo on it..
Have a great and wonderful Sunday.. It is beautiful here in SC..

I Love YOU!!

For a few years I have became really close to someone..  I mean letting this person in my life I was kinda skeptical of him at 1st..  I didn't know how to allow him in there since I used to have a mild crush on him. So I wasn't prepared for it..

So years and years of chatting with him, speaking to him out and about.. Then one day he moved next door to me.. Knowing the person he was living with (my cousin) I was feeling like he is up to no good.. So I would speak but not hold a conversation with him. One day we all were outside and after everyone left me and him sat on the porch at talked... 

From that conversation we have built one of the best friendships ever.. This guy is so understanding, loving, honest, and just a breath of fresh air to me.. In so many ways, we are just a like.. We go through some of the same things when it comes to people and how we want to be treated.. He is genuine and I LOVE that about him...

When he goes through something I am there for him if he needs me.. If I am going through something he is there for me.. Lately you all know that my depression reared its ugly head once again.. Guess who was there.. Yes, my Bestest!! We ended up staying up all night talking about life, what we want to do to move forward.. Plus even learned that the Wright Brothers could possibly been BLACK.. We always have a great time with one another.. 

Everyone always saying that it is not possible for man and woman to be friends.. That is truly a DAMN lie.. The best relationship I have had thus far is the one with me and my Bestest.. Right now he is getting his life back on track and I standing behind him 100%... I am so proud of him at least trying to focus on himself, because for so long he didn't have the drive to do it..  

I LOVE this man..  

I really thank you for everything.. Just listening to me and being the shoulder and my strength.. I will never turn my back on you.. You are a Blessing and NEVER forget that..........

It is me!!

I tried to let go.. You wouldn't allow me.. I tried to forget you.. You wouldn't allow me.. Now as months passed and I still can't forget what happened in the past.

I've been searching for other outlets to share my scream.. I believe it is me... 

It's me who won't let go.. It is me that keep the good times afloat.. 

How can't I get my mind off of you, when I still love you..

I am not in love with the cheater.. I am in love with the liar.. 

I am in love with the person that you made.. It is me..

When I found out the reasons to what broke us apart...

It didn't matter.. You still holds my heart.

I know I am foolish.. I know I am crazy...

But you made this girl life so amazing..

The little things that you still do..

The comfort you give me when I am blue...

The words you give me to make me smile..

All the bad stuff I try to hide...

Now future is so different.. 

I feeling like I am just stagnant.. 

What we once had is now non- existent..

I just wish what happened did not..

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel that way..

Being around you seems to always make my day..

Even if we fussed and fussed until we fought..

Now we are in the friend role..

It still doesn't make me whole..

I wish and I wish I was the one that you would have forever to hold..

It is me.. I got to learn that things don't last forever...

Who am I kidding when I say I would never..

If it was a time I could of had you back...

I would have took you back in a snap..

It is me who has to learn to let go.. 

It is me who has to stop letting my feelings show..

In time I will get over you...

It is up to me who has to know how to do it soon.. 

Mahoganydymond 2012

I'm Cool with it!!

At first I didn't think I could handle everything going on... It was this time last week, I asked the question (via text) to my SOS about our relationship... I my mouth dropped open when I saw the words... "With everything going on with my family, I have no time for this relationship anymore..."  I was hurt at first.. I went into my SELFISH mode... How dare she do this to me? I have sacrificed everything to be with her..  

I know the last few months things were changing, because she had so much on her plate... I respected that.. On days that I was mad at her.. I didn't say anything cause, we all go through the motions... 

So for about a week, I wasn't getting much of an understanding... Just couldn't figure out... 

So today, I had my talk with her.. I let her know how I felt... She finally told me the real reason behind it all.. 

So now I am good... I am moving past this.. I am good with this... I will be OKAY!! I still love her.. Since this breakup wasn't on cheating and lying... I think I can be friends with her...

I can't get back anything I've lost.. But I still have my sanity... That all that matters.. LOL

I am thankful for the experience...

Love at it's Best!! Daily Kisses!! Makes a Brighter day!!

Being with someone can sometimes be overwhelming.. I used to say that I didn't want to fall in LOVE again... Then when I met SOS things CHANGED.. This person is not typically be the type I would date.. So off... So when I looked past her flaws.. I found LOVE .. I finally found what it was ment for me. I can't ask for a better Companion... I am LUCKY... To others they might shun what we have.. Believe me I have heard all the going to hells... So if I am going... I am glad I found Love that I am HAPPY with.. I got my HEAVEN here on EARTH.. Every kiss, every hug, every I LOVE YOU.. Is worth it...

Do you believe in LOVE with all that it can do for you? Do I believe in Unconditional Love?

Day 13~ Do you believe in unconditional love?

The greatest gift a parent can give a child is unconditional love. As a child wanders and strays, finding his bearings, he needs a sense of absolute love from a parent. There’s nothing wrong with tough love, as long as the love is unconditional.

George W. Bush

Yes I do believe in it.. I think only God and our Parents gives us unconditional love. This day and age I don't see NO ONE willing to give another human being Love without a condition. I am only talking about my experiences.. So I don't want you all to go haywire lol...




I know what it means and I know what it consist of. I am the giver of unconditional love. I except people for their flaws. When I care and love for someone I don't want anything in return. I value them as a person. If anything I try to help motivated them for greatness. 

Day 10... A Shout out to my Love Ones.. I (heart) y'all!!

10~ List 10 people you love and explain what they mean to you..
People come in our lives for a reason or a season.. Some leave footprints... Some leave scars... Yet these are the people that I love most of all....

1. God ( without him I wouldn't know where I would be)
2. My Mother (A woman that I wouldn't trade anything for.. She is my rock, my stone, my heart, my life.. She is the one person that has never hurt me.. Never told me anything wrong.. I love her so much..)
3. My Father ( He  helped create me.. We don't always see eye to eye.. He is always there when I need him though.)
4. My Granny ( I miss her.. She was the rock of the family... She made us get along even if we wanted to kill them)
5. MC ( I miss our talks... We were friend's first and it hurts everyday that we can't get that friendship back.. He was the first man that gave me hope to one day love again..)
6. Nang ( My friend for life.. My 1st boyfriend and one of my best friends ever... He rocks, although I need to slap him for not calling me back.. LOL)
7. Brian (A person who was just always there.. A person who accepted me for who I was.. A person who has never tried to change me.. A person who has always understood me.. My life long friend.. He is a wonderful Husband, Father, and Angel..I am glad to have him and his family in my life.)
8. Kim ( My living Angel.. She helped get me through some storms.. She SAVED me from making  a very big mistake.. I am forever grateful for her.. Get Well Soon...)
9. Shunna ( We have our ups and our downs.. We even go through the motions.. I can say this no matter what f'ed up things she has done.. When I needed her, she was right there..)
10. Monica, Kali, Doreen, Elizabeth, Heyward, Toshiko, Lawona, Quina, Latonya, and Tiffany... ( I consider you all to be close friends that have came into my life for a reason.. I look up to most of you just because I see the things that I lack in myself.. I love you all for helping me see the person I can be, inspire to be....... Yall are a bunch of people who ROCKS.....

Day 9.. The night I fell completely in love...

Day 9~ Tell us about the first time you ever made love (not had sex)..


The first time I made love.. It was the first time doing it with someone that I truly thought I loved.. It was a magical and the most passionate night of my life.. The whole thing is still embedded in my brain.. 


It was May 5th 2004.. My feelings for MC was getting stronger.. It was the night we had a cookout at his place with his roommates..  It was the first time he really had me around his friends (although I knew his friends first).. Yet they finally knew me and him was an item.. 
We partied until late night.. Everyone went into their rooms and knocked out.. Me and MC went into his.. This wasn't the first time we had sex, but it was the first time we both felt our hearts mend together.. He was so passionate, slow, and kind.. He explored my body in ways no man or woman had ever done..  It felt so right.. It felt so good.. It felt like heaven came all down me.. It was also the first time I saw pixie dust and rainbows.. I don't know what that man did to me.. I just knew the first time we kissed and made love.. It showed me I was more in love with the man.. 

Day 8~Torn in between the two....

8~ Do you think you can be in love with two people at the same time?


Do I think I can be in love with two people at the same time... Sure back then... (well if it was even love)... I was young then so I wanted who I wanted and was with who was good to me...


I Loved D but he was boring. He was a good person and a good provider.. He made sure I had everything I wanted. Well he did cheat on me so I vowed not to give this man my all.. I still loved the things he did for me.. 

Well once I met J.. OMG he was everything I wanted at the time. He was handsome, tall, jet-black, sexy mouth, and neck... He was also fun to be around. He kicked it with me daily. It was either after school or before work.. So as time pasted I was intertwined with both men.. The days that D work long hours.. I hung with J.. So I started catching feelings for J.. I just knew I could never be with him totally.. He was the guy that I couldn't settled down with.. 


So for a few years I was loving them both and didn't know how to let go of either one of them.. I did cry many nights asking God what to do.. Especially after D found out about it.. I don't know why he was so mad.. He ended up cheating on me again with a mentally challenged girl.. 
So I let him go but I still thought about him.. I even stopped talking to J because he got locked up. 


Now that I am older.. That is too much problems.. I am so set in my ways.. I am so over trying to find the love of my life.. I am content of not dealing with all that foolishness..